❝It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.❞
-William Shakespeare

***

I can still feel Maya's cold lips against mine, reminding me this isn't a dream. Reminding me she really isn't here, reminding me that I've got to go on the great endeavor of life alone. I've got to do all the motions of living, while living without her. I don't want to be alone, I want to be with Maya. I want to have her next to me laughing and telling me jokes that are utterly terrible. I want to watch her talk, admire the way her whole body moves while she tries to get the words out. I want to sit next to her, feel the warmth her body gives off as we sit on my balcony, under the layers of blankets, while admiring the stars above us. Just the reminder of stars, causes me to search through my backpack when I get home and find my phone. I find my phone to find the picture of her, her hands pressed against the screens of stars. She looked magnificent against the colors of the galaxy, for that's where she belongs. Maybe, I won't be able to watch her in her rocket as she flies across the universe, but that doesn't mean that's not what she's doing right now. Perhaps, she's not in heaven, but perhaps, God's let her fly among the stars before she enters heaven. I would like to think that, I would like to think her dream came true, even if it wasn't me who helped make it true.

"Clark," my mom whispers as she walks in my room, only to find me sitting on the edge of my bed, my one hand holding my phone with her picture, while my other hand holds onto the letter she wrote me. "You need to go to sleep, it's late."

"I'll be okay," I whisper in return. "It's not that late, either."

"It's almost one in the morning, Clark, you've been in here for hours."

I want to tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about, until I take a second glance at my phone and see that she's telling the truth. It really is almost one in the morning.

"I didn't know," I admit, before turning off my phone and setting the letter on my dresser.

"It's okay, Clark, after all, you are going through a really tough time," she reminds me, as if I need to be reminded of what I'm going through. I don't need to be reminded of the hell that's around me. The hell that I know I'll never be able to wake up from. I don't want to be told I'm sorry for your loss or crap like that. I just want to be left alone now, to mourn properly. I still can't believe she's gone, I can't believe this is actually real. I can't believe I have no tears left to cry, my cheeks completely dry. I don't know what to do, for I don't remember the last time I had to do something without Maya. She's always there, she's always been there. She's always —

"I'm going to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day," I sigh, not knowing how I'm going to be able to get through absolutely anything without Maya. I don't know how I'm going to be able to survive life. I once said that I couldn't live without her, and as I stand here in the middle of my room, my body completely numb, I think that I was telling the truth. I can't live without her, for I don't even remember life without her. She's always by my side, laughing and smiling and brightening up my world. Without her, I'm not me.

"Okay, honey. Goodnight," she tells me, before kissing my head and walking out of my room.

I don't even bother to change into my pajamas. I don't even bother to brush my teeth. I just walk out onto my balcony and lie down among my blankets and pillows, before curling into a ball and trying to get some sleep.

My blankets still smell like her.

**********

I wake up to a police officer at my dinner table, and my dad telling me Maya's funeral is tomorrow. He also tells me we're paying for it, that the whole community is chipping in. Apparently, everyone feels bad for Maya now that they know her story. I don't want them chipping in, though, for they don't deserve to give their money, I don't care if we need it. They didn't care about her when she was alive, they don't deserve to care about her when she's dead. I tell my dad this, and I can see in his eyes, he thinks the same way I do.

"We arrested her parents," the officer at my table tells me. "All your evidence checks out. They're going to be held in a court case, and we'd like it if you would come to it. If you would be a witness."

"I've just lost my best friend, officer. Last week I lost my uncle. I don't want to have any of this shit forced down my throats anymore. Besides, I'm not a witness, I only have hearsay. I've never seen them abuse Maya, I just remember her showing up at my house with bruises all over her body. I just remember calling the cops. I just remember her. She's gone, officer, and I don't want to talk about this any longer. I don't want to pretend I'm not hurting. I hurt. Talking about all of this makes me hurt even more. I can't bring her back, I can't change anything at all that has happened. I'm just her best friend. I'm just the person she was in love with," I stop to take a breath, trying not to lose it again, but also not caring. "I loved her. I loved her the way she should have been loved. I loved her the way she needed to be loved. I loved her the way she deserved to be love, but talking about all of this makes me feel guilty as hell. What if I did take her from her family? Would she still be here? Would she still be with me? I don't want to see her parents, court or not. If I see them, they may not come out alive," I threaten, not caring about how my words may sound. Her selfish prick of a parents took the best thing in my life away from me. They only cared about themselves, not about their child that needed them. They didn't care about her pain, only about their own gain. It was all for them, it was never for her.

I walk out of the kitchen and back up to my room. I even find myself crying again as I lay down onto my blanket-less bed and try to forget everything. From Maya's letter to her death, I just want to forget. I don't want this pain, for I've done nothing to deserve this pain that is beating down upon me. This pain that is tearing me apart inside and out. I don't need this. What I need is her. I need Maya to hug me, to kiss me, to love me right now. To whisper in my ear, to tickle me, to make me laugh, hell, to even make me cry. I just want her back. I just want her here. However, I can't get her back and I can't have her here. Reality is cruel, and it's the biggest hell around. Even bigger than high school.