The start of this story popped into my brain and rattled around all day bothering me. It prevented me from focusing on any of my prior stories. I needed to write it down and get it out of my brain. So it is...

I wasn't ready.

I'd waited over three months for this night. Hell. Who was I kidding? I'd waited over three years for this night. But now that it arrived, my courage was nowhere to be found. So I looked for it in the bottom of a shot glass. And it burned.

"Another, please. Better make it a double."

Paul, the bartender, set down a larger rocks glass and filled it halfway with the same cinnamon whiskey. This time it didn't hurt as much going down.

I threw a twenty on the bar and looked around. It was still early on a Thursday night so Hennessey's was mostly empty at the moment. Better to stake my claim. I shirked off my camel pea coat and hung it on the back of my stool.

A frigid December gust blew in as the front door opened, and there he was - Alexander Miller.

Alex to most. Xander to some. Everything to me. My Lex.

Goosebumps.

I still wasn't used to him wearing contacts. His glasses reminded me of when we were younger and dorkier. I missed them now, even though I knew he didn't miss how they always fogged up when he came inside on a cold night.

As soon as he saw me, his hazel eyes lit up, and I realized that I didn't miss his glasses as much as I thought I did.

A giant smile spread across his face. It burst through the gloom of the dark paneled room and warmed me more than the whiskey in my stomach ever could.

His dimples only came out when he was truly happy. Like when he'd won the championship basketball game in 8th Grade, or when his parents gave him his truck for his 18th birthday. Those divots were in full effect just then.

He literally skipped across the bar floor to me as he sang, "Skip, skip, skip to my Lou... Skip, skip, skip to my Lou!"

He was such a doofus. But I loved it. I loved him. I was uncomfortably aware of this fact for quite some time. Although I was too afraid to tell anyone else about it, least of all him.

As soon as he was in front of me, he threw his arms around me, picked me up, and twirled me around. "Louise Abbate - God how I missed you! I have so much to tell you!"

My feet connected with the floor again but I felt like I was still spinning in the air. My cheeks were hot. "Stop exaggerating Lex. We texted everyday and talked at least a couple times each week."

He shrugged as he took off his coat and hung it on the stool next to mine. "Not the same thing as our face-to-face, heart-to-hearts."

Just him mentioning our hearts being together in a sentence sent mine fluttering. Maybe this was the perfect opportunity to lead the conversation where I knew I needed it to go for my own sanity's sake.

But then Lex was handing me another shot. "Hey Lou, where'd you go? You look about as far away as I was yesterday. Something on your mind?"

I smiled and shook my head. "Not quite as far as Ireland, but you know me.... It can wait."

He lifted his glass. "Slainte"

I lifted mine too. "Welcome home Lex!"

We clicked glasses and he said, "It didn't feel like I was home until just now."

Straight whiskey, no cinnamon this time. I downed it with a grimace.

Alexander laughed. "I have something to turn that frown upside down. A gift."

Lifting the hat off his head, I said, "It had better be this gorgeous Irish tweed flat cap."

His thick dark hair was a mess. It could only be described as hat-head. He ran a hand through it, sparking my desire to do the same with my own fingers. I bit my lip to stifle the urge and pretended to inspect the label inside that declared it 100% Pure Donegal Wool.

Then with a smirk I popped it into my own head backwards. I waggled my eyebrows at him.

Alexander shook his head as he removed something from his back pocket. It was the size of his palm, wrapped in lite green tissue paper, and sealed with a shamrock sticker. "As great as my hat looks on your head, I think this will look better on you."

I tore off the wrapping to see a Celtic knot, carved in some dark wood, with a small stick beside it. I looked back up at him. "It's so pretty."

Lex lifted his cap from my head, set it on the bar, and then took the wooden items from my hand. He stepped closer to me. Close enough that I felt his warmth. I wanted so badly to rest my cheek on his chest and shoulder. But he smelled foreign. Maybe he'd brought some new cologne or perfume from Ireland too.

But I needed to talk to him. Pressing myself against him would not be conducive to conversation. Pleasant yes, but not wholly appropriate. Not yet at least.

He reached around to my back, gathered my hair in one hand, before twisting it gently, and then swirled it up onto the crown of my head. Next he placed the knot across my new hairdo and ran the stick through the knots of both wood and hair, securing everything in place.

"There. It suits you," he said with a twinkle in his eye. "I knew the dark wood look great against your honey colored hair."

My lungs forgot how to breath for a minute. I felt fuzzy from the lack of oxygen and too many shots in rapid succession.

Lex waited for me to say something, standing so close to me still. He brushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

It felt like it could be the right moment. I took a deep breath, readying myself.

But then his phone rang, and we both jumped apart. Erin's name appeared on the screen.

A hysterical laugh burst from my throat. I tried to stifle it, but it only made me feel nauseous. So I let it loose along with the silly question that came to mind, "When did you learn how to do hair?"

But since the alcohol was kicking in, it came out mildly slurred. "When'd shoo learn how tajoo hair?"

Alexander furrowed his brow, looking a bit concerned as he answered the call. "Hey. What's up?"

He picked up his cap and put it back on his head, shading his eyes. "Yes, I'm with Lou now. I told you I was meeting up with her at Hennessy's. I know she's your friend now too."

I couldn't tell if he was annoyed with me or Erin.

While he listened to whatever she had to say on the other end, he sighed and rubbed his face. "I mean I guess. If you really want to come here, it's a free world, so who am I to stop you?"

Then he hung up and turned to me. "Louise, I need to confess something important to you before Erin gets here."

Was Alexander Miller about to admit that he felt more for me than friends should? Could he love me the way I loved him?

My head was spinning and my heart was pounding. I took his hands into mine and stared into his eyes. "You know you can tell me anything Lex."

"I'm not proud of what I'm about to tell you." He frowned and look down at our joined hands.

I squeezed. "I know what that feels like."

He had serious girlfriend for over a year and yet my feelings for him had only grown stronger during that time. When he asked me to hang out with Erin one-on-one for the three months he was studying abroad, so she wouldn't get sad while he was gone, I'd agreed.

In truth, Erin was a really nice girl. She'd actually become something of a friend to me over the time she was with Lex and then those three months made us grow closer than I'd ever imagined we would become when he first introduced us.

Yet every single night I still had wet dreams about Lex that always began with him dumping her.

I was officially a horrible person.

He took a deep breath. "While I was away in Ireland, my feelings for Erin changed."

He paused and my heart stuttered in my chest. "Changed how?"

"I didn't miss her. I should have. But I didn't. That was the first thing I realized."

"Well, you talked to each other every single day while you were gone. Did you really even have a chance to miss her when you were constantly calling and texting each other?"

"But you see that's the thing. She always called or texted me first. And I realized I didn't miss her the way I missed you. Not at all."

Lex did tend to always initiate our calls or texts. Usually he would call me at six in the morning our time, eleven Ireland time. There were a couple instances when he called me at one in the morning. Which meant I was the first person he thought of when he woke up those days. I was glad that I wasn't too drunk to do the mental math.

There went my stupid heart again, making me feel breathless.

I still couldn't say anything yet, because I was trying to clear my muzzy drunken brain enough to memorize everything about the moment. It was a little bit annoying that he was finally choosing to admit his feelings while I was drunk in a local dive bar.

Lex continued to ramble, "It was supposed to be like that old saying - absence makes the heart grow fonder. But with me, towards Erin it didn't. Really, I think it comes down to the fact that I've fallen in love with somebody else."

I gasped and covered my mouth, like I was a character in one of the soap operas my Nonna used to watch.

Then he let out a huge laugh. "God that felt good to say!"

Despite trying to remain somewhat composed, I started to laugh too. "Oh Lex! I'm so happy you told me..."

"Me too! I mean, I feel terrible that I cheated on Erin. And I know it's going to be hard to break her heart. But I didn't go over to Ireland thinking that I was going to meet someone while I was over there... I've never felt anything like this before. Anna is just so..."

I pulled my hands from his and signed for a timeout. "Pause! What? Who?"

There was no way I could have heard him correctly. The bar was getting noisier the more crowded it got. Leaning closer to Lex I practically yelled into his ear. "Backup a minute. Repeat what you just said. Who's Anna?"

He put one hand on my shoulder and one on my knee, steadying himself as he spoke back into my ear. "She's another Fordham student that was studying abroad too. She's from Jersey. She's amazing Lou. I can't wait for you to meet her."

I recoiled back and looked at his dimple-filled smile. "And... You love her? Just like that. You know her for about eleven weeks and you love her? What about..."

"I'm gonna breakup with Erin right after Christmas." He gestured to Paul for two more drinks. "Anna and I agreed it would be too mean to do it right before the holidays. Isn't she amazing to be so kind and understanding?"

"Amazing."

I grabbed the shot from Paul, raised my glass to him, drank it down, and then slammed it onto the bar. "Another one."

Behind me I heard Erin's voice as she burst through the door with two of her friends. "There's my Xander!"

Lex didn't even need to ask me to not tell her. He knew I wouldn't.

Paul raised his eyebrows as he refilled my glass. Once more I held the glass aloft in a toast. "A-fucking-mazing!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~