Byun Baekhyun
_ Nyxessa _

Seasons are a universal symbol of change and renewal, which repeat themselves over and over again, unstoppable and without mercy. Starting with winter comes a time of calm and reflection, a period of regaining strength and recharging your batteries which is then replaced by spring, where everything starts anew, new life, new beginnings, and new opportunities. Everything blooms, flowers, bushes, people...spring is a season full of hope.

Those new things then morph and grow into their full potential, shine in their full brightness during summer, presenting themselves from their best sides and you harvest what you planted during spring, you follow your dreams, you practically chase after them. You cash in all the results of the hard efforts you made until nothing of value is left until you are tired of hunting.

Everything that has a spark of life in it has to die. That is just how life is. You get born, then you pursue your dreams, chase after the stars that you long for, and eventually one day you die. And that's what autumn is, a season of slowing down, a season of stepping back a bit, a season of death.

It's the season where Mother Earth decides that it is time for a break, so leaves turn from green to yellow to red to brown and eventually, they fall to the ground, animals prepare their hibernation for winter, the temperature drops, fog spreads itself over the with morning dew sprinkled meadows, which glitter like stars in the early sunlight and humans retreat into their homes, onto their couches with a cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate while they watch the world turn colorful first and then grey.

In the past, Baekhyun used to loved autumn a lot. He thought that the way nature managed to always renew itself was beautiful, so death, to regain strength and come back stronger from that than before, was something he truly admired and tried to implement into his own life. Besides that, the way the world turns colorful and calm used to make him melancholic and content, kind of dreamy and philosophic, but all of that lies in the past.

Now, he doesn't like autumn anymore. He hates it.

Every time the last third of September comes around Baekhyun can feel, how he turns more and more dead inside, unable to appreciate any of the change the fall season brings because autumn robbed him of the only thing that he didn't want to live without, robbed him of the one thing that had made his life whole.

Chan.

Baekhyun feels a lump in his throat as he continues to walk through the streets of his district, Mapo, the breeze quite fresh against his face as it already late in the afternoon. His eyes wander over the trees that are growing on the left and right side of the street he was currently walking on right now, their leaves glittering in the golden September sun. Some of them already changed their color, which is not a surprise if you consider the time of the month if you consider today's date.

Baekhyun would love to not think about September 29th. If he could, he would love to burn this day out of his memory. Or rather what had happened today two years ago.

Today, two years ago he lost his best friend, his partner, his lover, his first true love, his husband in a car accident. Since that day, Baekhyun's life never had been the same again.

It's like time never did continue from that day on. The world around him had moved on, the season had come and go, people had come and gone while he was trapped in this bubble where everything had remained the same since that day.

Baekhyun still can't speak about what had happened that day and he can't articulate how he felt from that day on. It's like the world that once was full of color, full of wonders, full of surprises, had turned grey and lifeless, mum or maybe it was just like that for him? He only could watch things fly by, doomed to sit there, and watch as they pass, unable to participate or interact with.

It is like his heart stopped beating that day. Probably because that day, when Changnam died, Baekhyun's heart died alongside with it.

At least that's how he feels. He has been numb from that day on, a big empty hole in his chest, no warmth left in his body, his being cold like frozen lakes in winter, unable to feel any emotion besides pain and sorrow.

At the beginning after Chan died, everybody had been understanding towards that feeling but after things didn't change after multiple months they started to worry about it, which is why Baekhyun had moved to hide it behind a facade of emotions, pretended that he slowly managed to move on when in reality he was not able to any of this.

Nobody noticed that it was an act though, everybody just was relieved that he seemed to get better, and eventually they left him alone, which was probably better anyways. Well except two people, his only friends, Jongdae and Minseok, but he probably would have lost faith in the world if his best friend since childhood days and the best detective in whole Seoul weren't able to look through that play of his.

Baekhyun chuckles bitterly and shivers slightly as another cold breeze hits his body and he moves to wrap the coat of his tighter around his small petite body. He left work early today, which was a wonder but today was an exceptional day.

Normally Baekhyun spends all of the time he is allowed to in his laboratory, drowning himself in work in the hope it could fill the void in his chest somehow even though he knows it is a hopeless case. Today, September 29th is the only day in the year where Baekhyun allows himself to live in the past and mourn and the only day he finds the strength to visit the grave of his dead husband.

He remembers that day like it had been yesterday like someone etched it into his brain as acid etches itself into any surface, which is a wonder in his opinion because he barely remembers anything that happened afterward, but that's on the coma he fell into after the accident.

He remembers that it had been already dark, the interior only illuminated by the devices on the dashboard and he remembers how he held Chan's large hands, while the other had been driving, focused on the street. Music had played quietly in the background while Baekhyun had watched his husband's concentrated expression on that handsome face of his, softly caressing the back of his hand with his hand. Chan had thrown a glance at him as he had felt the other's eyes on him and his plumb lips had twitched up into a crooked smile, saying something naughty. Baekhyun still hates himself for not being able to remember the last words his lover had said to him. He still can see that last clear picture of Changnam before his inner eye, his silver hair, those large, brown eyes full with tease and confidence, the black shirt that fitted perfectly around his well-shaped body, and those beautiful lips that where tempting Baekhyun to just ravish them every time he was too close to him.

What happened afterward is not much more than a big blur. He remembers a loud bang, the sound of breaking glass, screams, blurry blinking lights, indescribable pain all over his body, and then just...silence. As he dropped into a fountain, everything had turned dull as he had sunken deeper and deeper into that what seemed like water to him until he had lost continuousness and lost himself into that pitch-black darkness that seemed like it is infinite.

Sometimes he wishes that he died that day too, that he didn't have to live without Chan, that he didn't have to continue this macabre joke of life, but he knows that he would judge him hard for thoughts like this.

Changnam always had been the chaos to Baekhyun's structure, the optimism to his pessimism, even though he used to insist that he is just realistic, which always had brought him a sarcastic comment from his husband. He had been the light to his darkness, the dreams to his rationalism, the creativity to his logic. Chan had been the extrovert to his introvert, the adventurer to his homebody, the impulsiveness to his calculating nature, he had been the man that pulled him out of his shell when he found himself drowning in his worries and thoughts again, he had been his protector, hype man, and biggest supporter. The alpha to his omega. The Ying to his Yang. His missing puzzle piece.

And fate had decided to just take him away.

Just like that. Like someone had just snapped with his fingers. Like it was the most natural thing to do.

Fate is cruel. It always has been.

The next thing Baekhyun remembers is how he had woken up in a hospital room, all those tubes applied to his aching body and the piping sound of devices that secured his life in his ears. Everything had been a blur, one huge mess but even then with his brain being fuzzy and his body hurting all overall he could think about was his husband. And when he had looked around in the room and hadn't found Changnam anywhere, an uneasy feeling had crept into his system, had taken a hold on his in fear running heart and he had felt like it was crushed under the weight of the terrible premonition that slowly dawned on him. He had tried to hold himself onto every little straw of hope, every little bit of believing that Chan was fine but it was all crushed when...

When...

Baekhyun tries to gulp down the gigantic lump that had built itself in his throat and he lets out a shaky breath. He does not want to think about it. He does not want to torture himself even more. He does not want to suffer more than he already does.

He is nearing his destination. Finally, you could say. Baekhyun stops before the flower shop where he had put his order down before he went to work today and his heart stings a bit, but it does that all the time. He is used to it by now.

He did it last year too when it had been the first anniversary of the accident. He bought flowers and drove out of the city with public transportation to visit the death bed of Changnam. It had been a horrible day. He hadn't been able to stop crying the whole day, even though he normally does not cry a lot and he had just sat there for hours, silent, staring at the cold, simple marble gravestone in front of him which was covered with colorful leaves that had fallen from the trees around him and mourned. Mourned his lover, mourned his loss, mourned his own life, that seemed to find pleasure in torturing him.

This year he seems to be able to cope with it better though, maybe because he just simply tried to not think about it more than necessary and did his best to drown himself in work as much as possible. He took in every little assignment he could get last week and his boss had looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, concerned that Baekhyun would overwork himself, but he had been able to assure her that he is fine. He got good at lying at the people that were around him.

Baekhyun enters the shop through the door and a tiny ring of a sweet bell announces his arrival to the owner of the shop. The air in the small room is sweet and fresh from the plants that are stuffed everywhere and the various shapes and colors create a calming and kind of comforting atmosphere. He walks up to the counter, where he is greeted by an elderly woman, whose face is adorned by small wrinkles and her eyes twinkle soothingly at him.

"Hello, young man, how can I help you?" She asks, her voice a bit croaky but soft. Baekhyun puts on a small smile.

"I placed an order this morning, on the name 'Byun'." He answers and the lady nods understandingly before he moves to the back of the shop.

A few seconds later she reappears, a huge bouquet of various flowers in her hand which she places onto the counter. It is beautiful, a variety of reds, blues, and violets mixed with white ones and he is happy to also spot some lilies in there. Those always had been Changnam's favorite.

"That would be 20,000 won please." She says kindly and Baekhyun pulls out his wallet to pay, quickly finding the requested sum and handing it over to her.

"Thank you." She replies, a soft smile on her face before she continues. "I'm sure she will like it."

Baekhyun's heart aches a bit about the comment and he has to try his best to not grimace. He knows that she probably just tried to encourage him and tried to take away the look he wore on his face, which she probably interpreted as nervousness, but he can't help but feel his heart crack a bit about the comment. He forces himself to put on a small smile, takes the bouquet, and nods at the woman in front of him.

"I hope so. Thank you very much."

He then quickly turns around and rushes towards the door, the feeling in the room suddenly more a pressing one in comparison to before and once he steps out of the shop, feeling the cold air hit his face, he takes in a deep shaky breath in an attempt to calm down his hurting heart, tries to return into the state of numbness that he tries to keep himself in all the time. It is less painful this way. It is less torturing to feel nothing than to feel pain every second you breathe.

As he looks down he sees his hands are shaking and so are the flowers he holds in them. Baekhyun takes a closer look at the bouquet he had just bought. The Lillies, Chan's favorite flowers, are embedded into a variety of smaller ones, surrounded by leaves and little decors. It looks not like a gift for a grave, but that's how Baekhyun had wanted it to look like. He does not want to let his surroundings know that he was mourning, he does not want to be pitied, because it doesn't help him with solving his sorrows. Also, he knows Changnam wouldn't want that. He would not want to be remembered for his death rather than for the things he did before that, the good moments they shared, the wonderful time they had together. He would want Baekhyun to celebrate the time they spent together rather than sink into endless grief and he feels bad for not being able to fulfill this probably last wish of his dead husband. He hopes that Chan can forgive him for not letting go.

He remembers the funeral like it had been yesterday. Restoring Chan's body from the car crash had been a struggle, so when Baekhyun had woken up out of his coma a month after the accident, he had the duty as the living partner to organize his husband's funeral while he still had no time to process what had happened so far. That was why Jongdae and Minseok had helped him with arranging the ceremony because they saw him struggle so much, unable to do anything else but crying his eyes out. In retrospect, they had done an amazing job at it.

The day he buried Chan will forever be edged into his brain, even though he barely remembers details. Everything had been a big blur, like a horrible nightmare that didn't seem to end and Baekhyun had been completely out of it, full of grief and pain as he still had tried to progress the loss he experienced. What he does remember though is how he let down the coffin into the grave on a cloudy October afternoon in a small group of friends, barely able to stand upright because he had been so weak after laying in bed for a month that he had needed support from his friends to hold him.

Tears had rolled down his face during the entire ceremony and he had held his head low as the guest had approached him to address their condolences. He hadn't been strong enough to actually look at their faces and genuinely believe what they told him, because it had felt still so unreal to him and he didn't want to hear the truth. The truth that Chan was gone. After everybody left he had been the last person to say goodbye to Changnam. He had stood there for a while and just stared at the wooden coffin-like time had stopped ticking and the moment a new tear had started dripping down his face, he had let go of the Lilly he had held in his hand, Chan's favorite flower and the symbol of pure love towards the person that died, to drop it on top of the coffin. After that, they had started to bury it and Baekhyun just had stood there and had watched how his lover disappeared more and more into his last resting place.

Baekhyun's heartaches once again as he reminiscents those moments in his memory before he begins to move again. If he wants to visit Changnam's grave he really should get going now so he begins to move towards the nearest train station to get to him. He yawns as he speeds up his pace and now that he is jumping over his shadow and is going to visit Chan he can feel how tired he is, his feet, and hands heavy as if the lead had been tied to them. No wonder he feels like that. He barely slept those last days. He can't sleep well around the anniversary, nightmares continue to haunt him so he just prefers to drown himself even more in work than he normally does. It is just easier that way but he still has to do something against that tiredness of his if he does not want to fall asleep on the train.

Just at that moment, he happens to walk past a small café, which looks quite lively from outside. Baekhyun never noticed it before, but he barely comes around this area, it is more a district that is visited by students than people who have to work. The door opens as two young women come out of the shop and walk past him, holding cups in their hand and the bitter scent of coffee deliciously wafts into his nose.

It won't hurt to get one, right?

Baekhyun decides to give it a try and he enters the small coffee shop. The instant he gets in he feels the warmth in the room which is so contrary to what he feels on the inside, the smell of coffee and food wafting in the air deliciously and inviting to stay a while.

Baekhyun lets his eyes wander around the room a bit, the walls are painted in a soft yellow and the tables and chairs with soft, emerald green cushions are organized neatly all over the room, young people sitting on them, their chattering filling the air and creating an atmosphere of liveliness. On the back wall in the center is a counter, painted in the same emerald green and a young man is standing behind it, organizing something, a big blackboard with the offered products behind him. To Baekhyun's satisfaction, everybody seems to be served, because there is no waiting line, so he steps forwards in the direction of the counter and inspects the things written on the blackboard.

"Welcome to the Firelight Café, what can I get you?" The man behind the counter asks with a deep but sweet voice and Baekhyun quickly lets his eyes flicker over the tall young man in front of him. Objectively speaking he is handsome, his soft brown hair falling prettily into his face, his big brown eyes matching beautifully with his bronze sun-kissed skin which is kind of a rarity to see. His plumb lips are adored by a cute smile and there is a twinkle in his eyes that somehow suggests purity and innocence. He chuckles a bit bitterly to himself. Others would probably say that he is the most handsome man one has ever seen in his life, but nobody will ever be as beautiful as Changnam in Baekhyun's eyes.

"A black coffee large, please." He answers politely after he decided and the young man in front of him nods understandingly, turning to someone else, that Baekhyun just notices now. He is standing with his back to them and he is very tall with soft brown locks that adore the back of his head.

"Chanyeol, one large black coffee, please. And can you settle up the customer too, I have to take care of desk 5." The waiter asks the unknown man and he just nods in response. The waiter leaves the counter and Baekhyun places down the bouquet to get the wallet out of his pocket.

"That would be 4,000 won, please." A deep, velvety voice says, sticky like honey, and Baekhyun can't help but feel like he knows that voice. It's like a deja vu from a far distant memory that he barely can remember. He softly shakes his head to get the thought out of his mind and he huffs at himself annoyed, the whole death day incident making him paranoid apparently. He takes the money out of his wallet and looks up to give it to the person behind the counter.

"Here you-"

The moment he looks up into the face of the staff before him, he feels his heart stop beating.

He looks up into big chocolate brown eyes, that he used to drown into whenever he got the chance to. He sees the perky, big ears that he used to tease because they made the other look like Yoda. His eyes wander over the wide nose that is adored by the mole that he used to kiss every morning and which then used to scrunch up in silent protest upon being woken up. He flickers over those plump pink lips that he used to nibble at, that used to trail down his neck and suck at his skin beautifully while they made love to each other, that used to mumble inappropriate words into his ears.

He can't breathe.

This..this...

This is not possible.

Before him, behind that counter, dressed in a soft sweater with an apron, stands Changnam with brown hair, which is the only difference from when he had last seen him two years ago. Alive. Breathing.

FUCKING.

ALIVE.

"Y-You..." He whispers out hoarsely, panic swinging in his voice, his eyes ripped so wide open that they probably look like they are going to fall out of their sockets every second. His mind is running, his hands are shaking and his heart is burning in shock and pain, making waves of shiver run through his body.

Changnam before him furrows his eye upon the sudden change in the expression of Baekhyun, curiosity, and confusion wafting in his eyes as he tilts his head a bit to the side and Baekhyun can't decide if he wants to slap him, scream at him or break out in tears here and now.

"Th-This...is im-impossible." Baekhyun stutters out, eyes still burning into the other's face before him and Chan looks even more puzzled. "Y-You are d-dead."

"Excuse me, what did you say?" Changnam blurts out, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips plucked in confusion, and Baekhyun who had been frozen in shock before feels a new emotion starting to build up inside him and it quickly takes hold of him.

Fury.

Is this a joke? Is someone playing tricks on him?! What is this bullshit?!

He is shaking visibly, his knees are weak and his head hurts as someone had just stuck thousands of needles into his brain. He lets out a rattling breath in an attempt to calm himself down but it is useless. This can't be true. Changnam is dead, what is this, a bad joke? Is he a ghost?

"I said.." He croaks out and there is something dangerous wavering in his voice as he forces himself to spit out every word. "I said that you are dead."

The Changnam imposter's or ghost or whatever he is looks still puzzled and there is also annoyance lingering in his eyes, nearly invisible, but Baekhyun had been married to that man for years for fucks sake, he notices every little change of emotion in him, but he nevertheless stays polite. "Excuse me, sir, we never met befo-"

"STOP LYING!" Baekhyun screams out and Chan jolts a bit in surprise, apparently not having expected such an outburst. Baekhyun trembles in fury and he feels angry tears well up in his eyes, whimpering a bit as they stream down his face in hot streaks.

This is so unfair. Why, who, what, why did someone decide to punish him like that? Especially today?! Who is that cruel?!

His heart is aching and it feels like it slowly ripped into pieces, but somehow it is also fluttering, breathing, living. For the first time in two years, Baekhyun truly feels alive and not just like a living undead punished to walk the earth without goals and feelings. His eyes bore into the man before him and he lets out a shaky breath before he continues, his voice more of a hiss which is dripping with venom.

"I fucking buried you two years ago, so don't you dare to pretend that you don't know me, Changnam."
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Author's note 📝

- ✨🤍

Hi dear readers,

It's me, Nyxessa. I hope you all had a nice day and enjoyed the chapter I wrote for you! Let me know what you think in the comments! Please stay tuned for what happens next as it is my dear friend blue_eyed_diamond's turn. Stay healthy and safe, wear your masks, and see you soon!

Author-nim Nyxessa 🤍✨