This day is made for smiling.
So why aren't you?
I don't actually know. Today truly is a beautiful day, though. The sun is turning my beige walls gold, as the birds' symphonic chirps of harmonies cascade through my window. I lie there, perfectly still, It's quiet in my house and I rub my feet together in warm bliss. This day is made for smiling,but getting out of my bed this morning is the hardest thing in the world. I don't know why I'm sad. The sky is blue enough on its own without any of my help, and yet, all I can think of is how much I want to die.

It's debilitating and humiliating to constantly be dying on pause. It's quite horrible, not having any control. Some days are better than others and you never know when those days will come. Not to mention all the work it takes into wanting to die. A full time job you work 24hrs of the day. You're suddenly a starring lead in a tightrope act of your life, balancing on whether you should keep going or jump. Most days I daydream of jumping. But then, there's this cold guilt of leaving all the ones I love behind, and that's enough to make me stop those thoughts- just for the cycle to repeat again. And when it's really rough, love really isn't enough. Or at least, until I remember my mom's laugh or my dad's stupid jokes, and suddenly I can't bare the thought of never hearing that again.

I don't remember when my depression started. During the day I seemed uninterested. My friends and family call it laziness and maybe it was, I lacked all ambition to do anything. I gave myself all this pain because I thought I deserved it. My own worst enemy. I let my pain take the reins to wherever it wanted to go.And It was never anywhere good. It was loud, dark, and ugly. I was missing from me. I felt like my soul was constantly bracing for impact.

In the light of my best friend's death, that feeling was stronger than ever. When it first happened, all I could do was question my existence. How can I drink tea? or eat frozen-chocolate covered bananas without completely falling apart? How can I listen to the Jonas brothers again?Or drive by her house to get to mine? How can I be me without her? Or look her mom in the eye knowing that the essence that brought us together was gone? Am I supposed to act like this is normal? How can I stop time for a moment longer in between the space where she and I existed? My heart had long left my chest, leaving an empty shell of all the love that I had for myself. I didn't want to be here. I was in so much pain, getting hit by a bus would probably hurt less.

My depression wasn't something that can just be swept under the rug or with time forgotten about. There are no band aids for a broken heart. No cast for the forgotten dreams. No stitches for the mental agony I've endured. Sad is sad and I didn't always need a reason to be it. That's what prompted me to write my book, Saving Everest,on Wattpad. A book filled with the late night notebook sessions, relieving the pressure in my head. I was able to break free of my mind this way, writing about the mental horrors I've faced. It shows me that I'm still here. And that if I can face the things that keep me up at night, I can conquer anything during the day. That's what I have to keep reminding myself, on the days that don't look too beautiful.Every day is a new battle, but I welcome them because I now have the weapons to defend myself. I wouldn't; if it hadn't been for art, therapy, family, and most importantly- deciding that I'm worth it. There's a lot of work into wanting to die, but there's even more to want to live. And I'm doing the work. I won't always feel capable. I'll want to put off my determination for a day when I'm prettier, when I'm smarter, skinner or taller but I won't. I'm strong today, because I say I am. And I'm worth it today because I said I am.

One day, I won't need to remind myself to be brave, and it's okay that that day isn't today. It will happen soon enough, because as long as I get out of bed I already won half the battle.