Burdens are intangible and immoral. The weight of burdens is often insufferable. Yet, an omnipresent being saw it fit that one bears them from time to time. The desired outcome is that one learns and grows from the experience, but what if one cannot? What if as a proxy for growth, one withers? What if the soil that one must carry their burdens across is seared of water? What must one do then? Does the omnipresent being, whisper to the rain to have mercy? Does the omnipresent being tilt one's head up to balance out the weight? One has to ask because these insufferable burdens are truly hard to bear.

I reach for him.

I touch him.

I feel him.

He is not there.

I see him.

I do not recognize him.

A shell of a man has come in place of the man I know. The man has consumed him and transformed him. He no longer smiles with his eyes. There is no warmth in his embrace. He is detached. He is a recluse. He is a stranger.

For the past few weeks, I have attempted to be the Coretta Scott to his Martin Luther. I have played the dutiful wife, the empathetic partner, and the present mother. While he prepares for battle I stand adjacent to him holding the plans for the mission. I am attempting to be everything he needs me to be and more.

On the other hand, I am breaking. I am torn. I am irate. The whole gamut of emotions I feel cannot be left to just simple words. I am adrift on a boat in a sea of discomposure. All I desired was for us to finally be untroubled.

No fears.

No doubts.

No burdens.

We were to wed, be merry, and disappear into the emeralds of Ireland before returning home to prepare for our little one. This is how it was planned. This is what it was supposed to be.

Despite us being deserving of such desires and the fulfillment of them, we have been faced with yet another misfortune. A new plague from the past one for which it has three names: Jordy, June, and Evan.

I hold guilt for their return as I had promised my lover that the chapter was closed - they would never return. I convinced my lover to pay for his own innocence. I truly believed I was protecting him. I selfishly believed I did.

The seeds I have sown have caused my lover to walk around as if to be another. The seeds I have sown have reaped an evil that even the dark angel himself would hesitantly participate in - the defamation of an innocent man against a child.

I glance at him with a wary smile. A scarlet flannel hangs off of him in confusion midnight trousers unbuttoned mirroring the relaxed state of the flannel. He seems at peace for the first time. Moments ago he was in a shouting match with his lawyers and media advisors.

The objective of the meeting was to find out when we could return home and if it was even wise to do so if possible. With so many voices and opposing opinions, I understand why Michael would become submerged in his own emotions. Too many voices were in that room and they were loud and demanding.

I was merely a spectator and even I was becoming flustered with the grown men bickering like children over what to do with one man's life. It was sickening to witness.

Therefore it came as no surprise when he finally detonated.

He asked me politely to leave the room as he tore into the men. I obliged but remained close enough to be able to recall every word that he shot at them. It is becoming the norm for Michael. Consistently reminding the people who are here to aid him that they are there for just that - to aid him.

When he finished I waited for a moment of silence before I returned to collect my lover and try to steep a bag of love in his boiling cup of rage. Eventually, that brought us to where we are now: him finally at peace and me in a state of disquietness.

I turn away from the man and glance at my reflection across the room. I am four months - nearly three months away from meeting our little one. It is a blessing that is beginning to feel like a curse. I am due to bring a child into a world where their father is soon to be painted as a bastard who harms children. This notion alone has caused regret to shower over me.

Although I am appreciative of having the ability to carry a second life, I regret it is happening now. I understand that we were blindsided by this plague, but I cannot shake the feeling of remorse for adding to this burden.

I feel as though I am a burden.

The dampening of my cheeks began before I could even register that sorrow has embraced me. I glanced at the reflection but no image surged in my brain. My eyesight is now hazy and the streams are relentless.

Soon my knees give in and when they buckle, I allow myself to slip onto the ground sliding against the wall for support. Once on the ground, I coddle my abdomen and silently weep with my head tilted toward the ceiling.

"Why?" I whimper under my breath.

"Why? Why? Tell them that it's human nature..." He croons arms spread wide towards the crowd a cheeky smile spreading his lips. "Why? Why? Does he do me that way?" He continues sneaking a glance backstage.

I quickly blow him a kiss knowing we only have a couple of seconds.

He simply smiles bashfully returning his gaze to the crowd. When he opens his mouth to continue serenading the crowd, a bit of laughter can be heard before he snaps back.

I giggle at his embarrassment. He always wants me to remain in his eyesight but warns me not to be too distracting. I cannot help myself though. Seeing him break character one second only to snap in the next is truly mesmerizing.

Within minutes the serenading is over and the quick taps of his loafers cause my heart to flutter in glee. Our surroundings have muted the visuals of the stage and crew shuffling for the next set is just a blur as he approaches me.

"You're such a tease." He breathes with that beautiful boyish smile of his.

I clamp my hands behind my back teetering on my tip-toes with a sheepish grin.

"I have no idea what you're talking about sir." I play coy.

He shakes his head playfully rolling his eyes not buying it.

"Yeah, ok. c'mere." He says tilting his mike upward before leaning into me.

I pause my teetering and do as instructed meeting him in the middle. Once our lips meet my abdomen churns in delight.

Every time we kiss I feel electric currents flowing through me and scorches of fire on my skin. It is the most mythical experience - this love we share.

"Fuck, Jess." He breathes against my lips deepening the kiss.

I mew into his mouth enclosing the remainder of space between us. A new fire has lit inside of me and I am more than willing to have him extinguish the flames.

I presume the feeling is mutual as his palms slide across my bottom pausing to squeeze a hefty amount. I moan in delight pushing my hips forward against his leotard. I just want to feel him.

I am sporting a high neck long sleeve midnight tee and plain caramel skirt which means easy access for him to fulfill my need.

"Michael, baby..." I moan lifting one leg to cling around his waist our lips still locked.

He chuckles but does not protest.

Instead, he slides a hand up that leg traveling to the top, stopping at the valley.

Right, where I need him.

"They can see us, Jess" He murmurs sliding his slender fingers over the lace.

"I know. Don't care." I whisper slipping fingers through his curls. "I need you." I break our kiss moving my lips to his ear and then neck.

I can feel him shutter this is his favorite spot. I smile against his neck and drag the tip of my tongue up to his earlobe.

"I need you," I repeat against the tender skin.

He groans adding pressure to the lace one finger swirling my pearl. I gently bite down on his neck in response.

"I need you to hold on, mama" He suddenly stops, his breathing shallow. "I gotta go."

I stifle a groan as he slowly detaches from me. He offers that heartthrob boyish smile before pecking me on the cheek.

"Don't be like that. I'm the one who has to fight an erection while on stage." He says with a chuckle pointing to his very erect partner. "Fuck, Jess." He sighs defeatedly as if the realization finally settled.

I cover my mouth laughing with closed lips as he shifted his charcoal high-waters this way and that trying to tame himself. He eventually settles himself giving me a feigned annoyed glare.

"You know I'm tearing you apart later, right?" He steps toward me with dark eyes.

I drop my hand and stand at attention meeting his gaze.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"I love you so much, Jess." His voice softens. "I'm gonna give you the whole galaxy, pluto, too." He whispers taking my palms in his.

Those flutters in my abdomen fire up again when he kisses my knuckles tenderly.

"I love you more. I'll give you the unclaimed phenomenons of our world and beyond." I propose watching our hands fall to the center of us.

"I gotta go now." He sighs with a smile.

I nod in accent reluctantly releasing his hands.

He turns toward the entrance of the stage inhaling and exhaling before stepping out and disappearing into the darkness the essence of his presence leaving with him.

I am so proud to watch this man become whomever he desires to be. I am honored to have a partner that never ceases to show his adoration for me as we go on this journey. He watches out for me and I watch out for him. A true partnership.

I will never take this for granted.

"That boy still sleep?" A deep cultured baritone joins me.

I nod glancing down at the little angel. Bottom propped in the air teddy bear misshapen by a tight tiny fist. A mint green plush blanket covers most of him, but the evidence that he is truly his father's son remains unsheathed - His gorgeous face.

"I decided to let him. There's too much going on to let him roam around." I exhale reaching down to caress his cheek.

I give the angel one last smile before turning toward the man. He offers a knowing glance and a heavy sigh.

"I really hate-"

I shake my head and motion toward the door ushering us out.

"Not around Noah," I explain once we are out of the room.

A woman emerges from thin air a smile on her face adorned with simple attire: Navy dress slacks, cream princess cut button-up, and midnight flats. Her hair is tucked away into a bun bringing out the soft features of her deeply melanated face. She always dresses so nicely.

"Hello, Mrs. Jackson. " She nods to me. "Mr. Bray" She nods to Bill.

Bill offers a small smile and a nod.

"Hello Jasmine, he's sleeping now, but if he wakes up can you keep him in the playroom for a while?" I ask stepping aside for her to peep inside.

Jasmine is our new nanny. With everything going on I convinced Michael that we are going to need extra help. He was very reluctant in the beginning as was I rightfully so, but we had to make a decision that was best for the family. Right now that means having an extra pair of hands aiding in Noah's care.

The vetting process was short and perhaps we could have been more extensive in our search, but Bill knew a woman who has an amazing track record when it comes to maintaining confidentiality for clients, experience with autistic kids and being age-appropriate enough to not be completely starstruck by the Michael Jackson. 

We trust Bill, so we conducted an interview, and now weeks later here we are.

She turns to me with that infamous smile.

"Yes, Mrs. Jackson, I will make sure he is well taken care of. "

I nod and turn to Bill to make our exit.

He nods at her one last time before guiding us down the hall. As we walk I can feel the heaviness of the air. The tension of words is unsaid. I do not have to ask if everything is okay or if there is any good news because I know the answer. Nevertheless, I wait until we find the kitchen to let him inform me of the next chapter of this nightmarish book.

"It's not gettin' better, Jesse. They just issued a search warrant of Neverland." He exasperates leaning against the marble island. "They are gonna try and raid the place tonight." He adds removing his cap to scratch his head.

I grab a barstool and use the marble countertop to aid in guiding me into the seat. I knew things were descending for the worst, but I did not think it would be so brisk.

I suck in my lips and cast my gaze at the ceiling water brimming in my eyes.

"How?" I whimper eyes still searching the ceiling.

"It's a criminal investigation with serious accusations, that's all they need." He replies solemnly.

I blink once and the threatening tears begin their rain down my cheeks. I bow my head wiping the tears as they come.

"That's our home." I whimper violently rubbing my eyes. "That's our fucking home, Bill!" I wail pounding one fist into the marble.

Heavy footsteps approach before a presence is felt.

"I know. I know." He whispers sliding one arm around my shoulders. "I'm going to protect you kids. Alright? They ain't gettin' away with this." He continues now rocking us back and forth.

I bury my face into his shoulder and fall apart. Everything I have been withholding I release onto him. I will allow his words to be enough for now. I will allow someone else to bear this burden for me if only for the moment.

I need this.

"I have this whole vision for it. Thriller, but more film-focused. A musical film." He construes kneading my arches. "A true short film slash music video."

I nod smiling foolishly tranced by his creativity. He has been gnawing on the idea of a short horror film. He does not want to recreate Thriller but upstage it.

"What do you have in mind" My eyes close his slender fingers working the exhausted still hanging on to every word.

"I don't want to be remembered for Thriller alone. I can do better than that." He continues his words hollow.

He is not saying it, but I know he has been battling with this self-imposed competition to beat the iconic Thriller album. From BAD to Dangerous, he has been at war with himself to outdo himself.

What was once a grand accomplishment has now become a nightmare he cannot seem to escape from the shadows.

"Baby, I believe in whatever that heart tells you." I open my eyes glancing at him.

His eyes are focused on my feet but I know he is listening. His mangled curls only hide so much of his face. I can see the somber expression through the curtain of curls.

He has this reverberating pressure that he cannot shake. It has debilitated his confidence. I wish I could make him see. 

"My heart says do it, but they keep comparin' everything I do to Thriller." He stills his fingers around my ankle. "Everything" He breathes his fingers move again.

I place warm palms on his forcing his gaze to meet mine. Once our gaze connected I offered him a small smile - silent faith and reassurance.

"You are a powerful man when you fall down. You are an incredible force when you stand back up." 

His eyes search mine as if confirming the authenticity of my words. He searches my eyes until his falls onto our entangled palms.

"Only if you are by my side."  His voice is sweet like honey.

I smile and lean into him inhaling him.

I love this man.

"Always and forever."

"Now again, Mr. Jackson we have to limit what you say as anything can rebound adversely." The man forewarns hands on hips face stern.

I scan the room growing uncomfortable with every passing minute. 

There's a heaviness settled in the pit of my stomach. The pressure in the room is unbearable. Testosterone is also another constituent in the gamut of reasons why my anxiety is at an all-time high. 

Preceding the raiding of Neverland just a few days ago, Mister Cochran offered a proposition to host a press conference with the entire Jackson family. He argued that it would present Michael as a family man and his family as a united front.

He emphasized the importance of optics during this investigation. With an array of media outlets becoming vultures in a fight to publish the play-by-play of this nightmare before their counterparts, Michael's innocence and reputation have taken a significant amount of damage. 

Thus, I stand here amongst three men attempting to outline a press conference in hopes of rescinding the negativity surrounding our innocent family and especially my innocent husband.

"Now, I understand that the matriarch and patriarch of the Jackson clan have agreed to participate?" Mister Cochran continues scanning the room for confirmation.

Heads nod but nothing is uttered.

This is routine for these meetings. Mister Cochran presents and spews out information and everyone deafly obliges. It has been a crucial change to the former meetings with Michael bellowing out his disapproval of the mechanics regarding the way the former team operated.

"Good-good. Look, I'm not trying to be the Hugo boss, but this is a problem that I am well equipped to fix. I know the law like the back of my hand. Hell, I can do it in my sleep." He proclaims stuffing one hand in his pant pocket while the other caresses his chin. "I need to know if everyone in this room is capable of the same?" He frees his hands crossing them over his chest as his eyes scan the room. 

I may not ratify every argument this man has presented, but thus far, he has been a valuable asset to this investigation. The silence of the room only confirms this.

Warm slender fingers entangle with mine a warm body follows. The scent of Black Orchid is a confirmation of the responsible party infiltrating my space. The scent is inebriating. The words of the others are trivial and muffled.

Here I stand attempting to be a symbol of peace for him, yet he manages to be one for me.

"I'm scared Jess." He whisper's dejectedly giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

I spare him a knowing glance.

How I wish I could take this all away.

"You're not alone, Michael." I search his eyes wondering if he believes me. "I'm right here with you." 

He sucks in his lips and nods mutely. 

Whether he believes me or not, I meant every word. I will make it a mantra for us if I have to. For as long as I draw breath, Michael will never be alone.