THE GOODBYES

There is never a reason to be rude to someone, sweetheart. You understand this when you truly become mature.

***

CHAPTER LX

*****

SEVEN DAYS LATER, I found myself waiting outside the car that would be driving Emma away to whatever institution she needed to go to. The sun was setting, but I was too busy worrying about how she would cope.

I had spent a lot of time with her in the last week and I could only hope that at least she had people to return to that were hoping to see her again.

I was standing beside Daniel and even though we still weren't talking, we were communicating. Just little gestures towards each other that we both understood to say something without words until we were finally ready to talk it out like adults. He had his arm around my waist and I was happy because I wasn't sure how well I would've been able to hold myself up without him.

Pablo was on my other side, shifting his weight from one leg to the other while he anticipated Emma coming out. Lucien had gone on a business trip, thank God, but unfortunately Celeste was still with us. A part of my wondered why she was still here if her wedding to Daniel wasn't going to take place. I kept my mouth shut.

Emma came walking down the path towards the black cat where we were all waiting. She started with Celeste and hugged her gently as Celeste returned it. They shared words, but I couldn't hear them and I didn't want to.

After that she went to Pablo and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a tight hug. He wrapped his around her, holding the back of her neck and pulling her close so he could bury his head in the crook of her neck. They both stayed like that for a couple seconds before she pulled away and looked him in the eye with tears brimming in her own.

They didn't say anything to each other. They didn't have to.

She then turned to me and, taking me by surprise, she pulled me in for a bone crushing hug. She buried her head in my neck and pressed her face into my skin as I slowly returned it after coming out of my shock.

She pulled away and gave me a small, wobbly smile. “Take care of him while I'm gone,” she said, her voice low so Daniel wouldn't hear even though we both knew he did.

I returned the smile and wiped away the tear that rolled down her cheek. “I will.”

The last person was Daniel, but the hug she gave him seemed to be the biggest and it lasted the longest. He wrapped his arms around her, really hugging the life out of her too because I think in that moment he realised he wouldn't be seeing her for a while.

It's not like he wasn't allowed to. It's just the place he had chosen was one of the best in the country so it was far out. I planned on forcing him to visit at least every month with me.

She pulled away from him and placed a hand on his face. “You'll be fine.”

He didn't say anything. He only nodded and placed a kiss on her forehead before stepping to the side so she could get to the car. She gave us all one last glance before getting in.

The driver zoomed off seconds later, hardly waiting for her to put her seat belt on as he sped down the gravel road leaving dust in his tracks. I turned to Pablo and pulled him in for a hug, not knowing just how hurt he was feeling. He didn't have the strength to hug me back, but I didn't let go of him because I wanted him to know that I was always there for him.

“You should get some rest,” I said softly, pulling away as he looked at me with tired eyes.

He looked behind me at Daniel who hadn't said anything before nodding his head and scratching the back of his neck. “Okay.” He tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace and he gave up halfway.

With a loud sigh, he turned around and started walking back to the house. It was just Daniel, Celeste and I, but after a minute of hateful glaring at her feet, she spun around and marched back to the house too.

Daniel didn't take notice of the things happening around him. He stared in the last spot we had seen the car before it took a sharp right and the trees covered it. His eyes were glassy and held a faraway look in them.

I gently placed my hand in his, turning his attention to me. “Come on,” I said softly. “Let's go inside.”

He let me drag him into the house after me, not saying a word to acknowledge anything or anybody. I felt that maybe he was there physically, but mentally he was wherever Emma was.

I shook my head. It didn't matter where he was. I knew it was painful to have to stand by and watch all the things he watched. To hold your own sister in your arms, thinking that she was dying because she didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't imagine how I would react if it was Pablo in the situation, or Anna, or even my mom.

It was bad enough that it was Emma. Emma that looked up to me. Emma that I saw as that annoying little cousin that had the best comebacks and was amazing company in family gatherings. She didn't deserve it.

She didn't deserve any of it.

Daniel sat down in his armchair as soon as we reached the privacy of his room. He stared at me as I sat on the bed, but his eyes were unfocused and I knew he wasn't actually seeing me.

Suddenly, he stood up. He walked over to me, making me watch him cautiously because of his sporadic behaviour. Instead of walking to the bathroom or his closet like I had expected him to, he made his way straight towards me.

He grabbed and pushed me further up onto the bed and lay me flat on my back. In shock, I could only watch as he crawled between my legs and wrapped them around his waist while his hand groped my body. I only snapped out of my trance once I felt his lips on the skin of my neck.

“Daniel, we shouldn't—”

“Help me,” he said, his voice sounding much more broken than he let anyone see he was. He peered into my eyes and I felt my resolve break. “Please.”

He needed a distraction. And I had said it many times before, but only because it was true. I was willing to do anything just to make sure he was okay.

So I let him use me.

***

I had sex many times before in the past. I had done many questionable things with many questionable people, but I had never felt as much shame as I had felt in that moment in Daniel's bed.

I lay there on one side, miles away from him as I stared up at the ceiling before rolling onto my side and staring at the far wall. I couldn't deal with myself in that moment.

I hated myself for what had happened. Why did I have to go and sleep with him even though I knew he was mentally not in the right place? After knowing that he had just witnessed something that would make an average person collapse onto their bed in tears?

Instead of me to let him properly handle his emotions, I just...

I sighed, letting the hateful thoughts run through my head as I pulled myself out of the bed and went around to gather my things. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried so I was going to take the tried and tested method of sleeping pills. Once my clothes were on, I slipped out of the room silently, not bidding my goodbyes to Daniel even though I knew he was still awake.

I padded down to my room, hating the fact that it wouldn't be mine for long. Since two maids had gone, they were probably going to hire a replacement soon and she would have to take my room.

It reminded me that I really needed to talk to Daniel about the plans with the baby. I gathered from Isaac that he was probably going to marry me to keep me safe - because that was just how organised crime worked. People favoured families.

I stepped into my room and closed the door shut behind me before walking over to my trusty medicine bag and pulling out a bottle of sleeping pills. I checked the date, making sure that it hadn't been over twelve months that it was opened or expired before popping off the cap and swallowing two dry.

I was a hypocrite.

I laughed at that thought, but it died down seconds later and soon I was staring far off with an emptiness in my heart. Suddenly, blinding anger at myself and the world ripped through and before I could compose myself, I had picked up my pillow and chucked it at the wall to take out my pain and frustration.

But after the pain and frustration was gone the only thing left was sadness. I couldn't even make it to the foot of the bed (because I couldn't call it mine) before I collapsed onto the floor in a heap of tears. I tried to keep my sobs quiet because other people were sleeping and who was I to cause other people pain just because I was upset?

I just wished that somebody noticed I was upset. I wish someone would just look a little harder or catch the smile slip off my face when no one was around. But who was I to wish that? Help only came to those who sought it out and I was too prideful to do so.

I would die with my pride.

For once, I actually began thinking about my baby. And I meant really thought about it.

I didn't know what I was planning to do with the baby. I was only twenty-one. I could barely take care of myself. Not to talk of an infant.

I'd have to feed it and dress it and change it... and stop referring to it as 'it'.

I wondered how I would've coped if Daniel wasn't in the picture. Maybe if he had decided that he didn't want to be with me or he didn't want to be a dad. Where would I have taken myself? What would I have done? Would I keep the baby or would I give it out?

My confusion with the matter showed just how little I had planned about my life. When I was fifteen and I began working in the house, I didn't think about a future. I just thought about where the food I was going to eat tomorrow was coming from.

I couldn't get into college without a high-school diploma. But even if I was to get into college, who would pay? Where would I stay? How would I toggle a baby and studying and working?

I realised that my life was on pause. I had stopped it ever since I started working here and forgot about my dreams and aspiritions. I had no goals; I had nothing to work towards - nothing to keep me motivated and to ensure I was a better person tomorrow.

No wonder I was always sad and overthinking. Who wouldn't be? Especially when the only thing I did each day was sleep and wake up.

I had been stationary for six years, but it was time to wake up. I had to do something. Get a different job, travel the world, own my own house and car. I had to do all of that.

I had to live again.

I sniffled and rested my head on the mattress and sitting in that position, I cried myself to sleep.

*****

Araceli better not get married to Daniel and have that baby or else the kinda dysfunctional family they'll become like I'm not even joking.

I think the best scenario for them would be co-parenting. Kinda idiotic of them to not use protection but apart from adoption and abortion (and throwing yourself down a flight of stairs) what else can you do?

Tf? Here I am talking as if I'm not well aware of what happens next. Anyway, see yall in the next one.