M A N I K

She found the colours to paint me when the world had left me grey,
We are strange in love, she and I,
Too wild to last, too rare to break.

"Excuse me, sir?" The knock on the door rescued me from drowning into the sad world.

"Manik!" Her voice played in my ears and I took a deep breath as a magical smile appeared on my lips.

"Yes Nandini!" I smiled at her as she walked inside and sat opposite me. There were dark circles under her eyes, her hair were tied in a nest above her head and she had made no effort at wearing the most fashionable clothes or at her appearance like her usual self.

"Please be mad at me!" She begged in a whisper, her voice drained of all emotions. She was tired, tired of fighting the war with herself, of punishing herself of trying to cheat on me. And I was watching all of this helpless, just like a stranded soul watches the waves passing by, helplessly.

"Nandini. This is the third time I'm telling you, I don't want to be mad at you. You were making a mistake, you realised it, you didn't do it. That was it!" I tried smiling as I engrossed myself back in work and she took a helpless sigh.

"This isn't you Manik, this isn't us. You're pretending to be fine but deep inside I know you're hurting. I know you're doing this to make me feel better, but this isn't making me feel better, it's just making me worse!" She whisper shouted and I chose to be silent.

I was a mystery, a monster to the world but it was beautifully strange how she could still read me like an open book, as if each line of my book was learnt by her, as if this was her possession that she wouldn't ever let go.

"Manik! Please look at me. This makes me feel so distant from you. Look into my eyes Manik. Shout at me, be a monster, don't talk to me, punish me but don't stay silent, your silence haunts me Manik please!" She begged sitting near my knees and I held the file tighter.

I couldn't look at her, because if I do, I will keep imagining that fucking Jerkshad trying to kiss my girl and I surely loose all my calm. And I don't want to shout at her for no mistake of hers.

She has suffered enough because of me, I couldn't hurt her more. Neither do I have the power to look into her eyes, nor to lie anymore.

"Manik, I know I have made a mistake and I am sorry for that. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still your princess. I know I was going to make a crucial mistake yesterday, but I really, really was going to do that out of vulnerability. And what's important is that I didn't kiss him, right? I slapped him instead. Talk to me Manik, please say something. Don't distance me this way from you please!" She begged and I closed my eyes as her hand held mine tightly.

Just as much as I wanted to hold her close, I wanted to push her away. And I couldn't decide which one to go with.

"Nandini, we have professional commitments to meet, and I hate mixing professional and personal lives. Get back to work, everyone out there needs you!" I tried sounding normal.

"You need me more Manik, you need me too...", she whispered as she got up.

Her petite frame wrapped around my body as she placed a long wet kiss on temple and I shut my eyes feeling her cold lips on my warm skin.

It had been an entire night now that I hadn't held her tightly in my arms, kissed her cute cheeks, teased her lips and hugged her to sleep.

I missed her warmth, I missed her cuteness, I missed the way her hands wrap around my body, the way she bites her lower lip, the way her eyes widen, the way she smiles, the way she defends Aryamman, the way she fights with me for the smallest things. I miss sitting with her under the stars and drinking beer, I miss making her learn how to play guitar. It's been just a day and it seems like an eternity without her. Fuck, I miss everything about her.

And I wasn't doing this on purpose. I wasn't giving her the silent treatment on purpose. Every time she came to me, images of she kissing Harshad flashed in my mind even though the kiss never happened and I never witnessed it. The way her hand holds mine must be the way he was holding her. The way I hug her will be the way he was hugging her yesterday.

Every time I see her I question myself if he made her feel the same way I make her feel. I question if I wasn't really enough for her, if she actually deserved someone who'd love her more.

I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her that we'd be okay but that wasn't happening. I wonder how she must have dealt with her feelings when she saw me hugging Soha, at my house; when I hurt her again and again to trap Soha, when she insulted Nandini on national television and even as I think all this, I know that her love for me is much, much more selfless then what my love for her can ever be.

She had practically seen me with Soha and yet managed to be calm, and the only thought of she being with someone else was making me mad. I was losing all my calm but I wanted to be okay, okay for her.

She was my dose of inspiration, she encourages me to be someone better than I am, just for her. Because she doesn't deserve the monster, a princess like her deserves a Prince Charming.

Irritation ran through my veins along with a hundred different emotions making me feel mad. I hated emotions, I hated feelings. I hated this feeling when I want to do so much, but I helplessly watch things happening in my life, as if I have no control left over it.

Picking the fallen files back, I buried my head back at work. This was my only distraction from the living poison named Nandini.

It was night when I realised I had slept while working, and I was shocked to see the sun below the horizon. The office was completely empty, including Nandini, of course which made me a little hurt, since I expected her to wait, and this pushed my insecurities back to me.

I know I am too much to handle, sometimes I become a complete monster, I throw tantrums, but that is only because I love her. Was this actually getting too much? Was she also losing hope on me?

It was weird as though I wanted to push her away from me to make myself fine for her, and i wanted to hold her close for her to heal these newly wounded scars; and both at the same time.

Entering my mansion, I was welcomed by pin drop silence. It was unusually dark, without even my friends jumping here and there and watching some stupid movie as if they didn't have their own home.

It was as if each single thing happening marked the dark day in my life.

Getting into my room, I took a refreshing bath, changing myself into black jogger pants and vest along with a blue denim jacket.

I missed the way Nandini used to sit on the kitchen slab while I cooked dinner in spite of having so many cooks and we both had it together, with she making me eat and then sitting under the stars, surrounding myself with two things I loved the most.

It was weird how my life had become a spiral that started and ended just with her.

I wasn't even hungry to eat the best Mexican dishes made by my cooks, and I simply ignored the first love of my life for a simple reason~ her absence.

All I needed was the stars and music, the only healers of my life except her. Grabbing my guitar, I made my way to the terrace, just to meet a sweet shock.

The terrace wasn't dark with fairy lights like it usual times. It was completed lighted with lanterns hanging everywhere, and there was a huge purple mattress with transparent decorations everywhere.

A not so big sticker note lied there, 'because you love stars, and I love you!'

I didn't realise how the smile took over my face, as if I was really smiling after one complete day.

"Nandini!" I called with a smile and she flipped, showing off her beautiful hair as they fell on both her sides and her face shined under the moonlight.

"Yeh sab-.....", I said stammering as I looked around.

"I was saving some time from your busy schedule... for us!" She smiled as she pulled me inside along with her, making me sit on the mattress as she pulled the pasta plate hidden inside.

"I have eaten food!" I lied with a smile and she giggled.

"I know you haven't!" She giggled feeding me the first bite and I sighed. I was never going to win over her, and that's how it will always be.

Reversing the fork, I fed her a bite as I tuned my guitar and she ate it without hesitating.

"Manik! Sing me a song na, please!" She smiled. I couldn't turn down such a sweet request made by her, so I simply nodded.

"Little do you know,
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep;
Little do you know,
I'm still haunted by the memory;
Little do you know,
I'm trying to pick myself from piece by piece;
Little do you know.......,
I need a little more time"

I stopped feeling her intent gaze on my closed eyes. Out of all the songs in the world, I had to chose a song that will hurt her, didn't I?

I opened my eyes but was shocked to see her smiling face gazing at me as if I was the most beautiful art work in this world.

"It was a beautiful song, Manik, but I haven't heard it, kaunsa gaana hai yeh?" She asked enthusiastically and I released the breath I didn't know I was holding. Tears in her eyes were the last thing I wanted to see after such a miserable day already.

"It's-.. Its not a song yet. I have made it up!" I confessed.

"Really?" She asked, her eyes twinkled and I nodded. "Then I know the perfect lyrics to these!" She smiled and asked for my guitar which I happily gave away.

She was trying to be fine for me just the way I was trying to be fine for her. Underneath, we were both breaking apart, but we were still trying to hold us together.

"Little do you know,
I know you're hurt while I'm sound asleep;
Little do you know,
All my mistakes are solely drowning me;
Little do you know,
I'm trying to make it better piece by piece;
Little do you know....,
I, I love you till the sun dies..."

She opened her eyes waiting for a response but I couldn't utter a word as I just kept staring at her. It was weird how music flew just in tune with our lives.

"Manik!" She whispered as she kept her hand on mine and I jerked it away in response and she looked taken aback as I immediately looked at her with an apologetic face.

I didn't want to do that, it was just reflex, as if I had re built the walls around me that she had once broken effortlessly.

"I'm sorry Manik....", she cried as she held my hand tighter for me to not pull away, "....will you ever be able to forgive me?"

It broke my heart to see her cry and the reason was again, me. And the worst was even when I wanted to help her, I couldn't.

"If you can forgive me for all I've done, why can't I?" I smiled wiping her tears with my thumb and her eyes fluttered.

"I have already forgiven you, it's just the matter of forgetting it!" I smiled and she weakly smiled.

"So you mean there is hope?" She asked with so much expectation that I just couldn't break her heart.

I nodded positively and she jumped into my arms, hugging me for her life and before I could stop my hands, they made their way to her back, faintly patting it as she smiled and snuggled closer to me.

The stars witnessed everything just like they have been doing. They've seen me and Nandini talking our hearts out near the sea waves, me breaking Nandini's heart, me kissing her in her house, Nandini leaving me, our patch up, our dates and all other kisses.

And like everything else, stars will be the witness of how Nandini's love heals my scars.

~All wounds leave scars. Wounds can be treated with ointments, but scars can be treated only with love~

~•~