*unedited

M A N I K

"You had a miscarriage!" I whisper shouted and immediately regretted every word I spoke looking at the colour of her face drain away as she took a step behind.

Her hand reached the bed for support and she looked devoid of any emotion. I was never supposed to tell her this. How could I?

"No Manik— you— you're lying! I couldn't be a mother again... tum— tum jhoot bol rahe ho na?" She sobbed, looking just as shocked as I was when doctor informed this to me.

"Yes! Yes, I am lying... I'm sorry I'm lying!" I lied again as I sat, leaning in front of her.

I tried holding both her hands in me but she pushed me away, nodding negatively.

"Nahi, Manik! You have to tell me. What miscarriage? How can I be a mother again?" She was hyperventilating and I felt so guilty to hurt her this way.

"Okay... shhh, calm down!" I held her in my arms as I sat beside her and she kept her sobbing head on my chest.

How I wish on times like this that I could hold her close and make every pain of hers disappear in thin air.

How I wish I could hug her broken parts until she mended again.

How I wish only the best for her but always end up hurting her in an irreparable way.

"Bolo na Manik! Tum chup kyu ho?" She cried holding my tee and I realised I had zoned out again.

"Haa!" I agreed slowly, knowing what I was going to tell her might break her the way it broke me for months.

"You know, few months back... I had arranged a date for both of us—....," I smiled thinking of all the arrangements I had made, I was returning back from my music tour after a month and although I missed my children more than anyone, I knew I miserably needed a 'me and Nandini' time because only she could give me the warmth I require and take away all my tiredness in a few seconds.

"And you cancelled it saying you had a business meet which was supposedly more urgent then me! You left me at the place alone, Manik! You know I neglected I felt?" She pouted sobbing and I wish I could tell her how sorry I was until now for what I had done but I had no other option.

"Yes, And that it is because the doctor called me up! She said—.... that you were pregnant!" I whispered and she sighed, a tear rolled down her eye and she clutched me tighter.

"I was as shocked as you were so I immediately went to the doctor's clinic, she told me not to tell you about it because it was complexed and there was hardly any chance that our miracle baby would survive, so there was no point giving you fake hopes!" I told her and I could just wonder how it would be for her to know all this like a story when in real the baby was inside her for two whole months before it disintegrated.

"She said this was nothing less than a miracle, only one in million cases happen this way. You know you and the kids go for daily check ups every six months right? So co-incidentally, your check up was just that month and she could see the egg inside you, it was small and just one month old, but she wasn't sure so she waited for the rest results and called me instead, and left it upon me to tell you," I whispered.

Ever since my kids were born, Nandini and both of them go for regular check ups every six months because of their complex case, the doctor checks if there is any cyst formation in Nandini's ovary and a normal check for the kids to know they're all okay and normal. But that very time, instead of cysts, the doctor saw a fertile egg.

"And I couldn't tell you! How could I say? What would I have said? That there's a baby inside you that's going to be dead in a few months? That you're a new mother for a while so enjoy it as you can?" I let a tear drop fall off and she sobbed louder.

"I couldn't tell you, because there was no chance of the baby to survive more than a month. But still it survived for two months Nandini, our baby was a fighter!" I held her hand and she cried silently.

"Manik, did I kill my baby?" She whispered and I nodded negatively. What had got inside her?

"See, this! This is the reason I wasn't telling you! I knew you'd blame yourself for it when it's anything but your fault. How can you be held responsible?" I wiped her tears, holding her face in my hand.

"But Manik, you took all of this alone and here I was, making stupid assumptions about our distance. I'm so bad Manik, mein kitni buri hu!" She cried louder and I hugged her.

"I was selfish, Nandini. I should have stayed by my family to let those wounds heal but instead I chose to distance myself, I chose this. I'm sorry, baby!" I kissed her forehead and she nodded negatively.

"You should sleep," I told her, her eyes were droopy and she looked too worn for the day for anything else.

She didn't refuse, she simply crawled to her bed place and I covered her with the blanket, switching off the light.

Before leaving the room, I kissed her forehead. "I love you, okay?" I whispered and she nodded, kissing my hand as an answer as I slowly walked out of the room.

Standing by the lawn of our house and staring at the night sky, I let out all those tears I had been hiding as I remembered every bit of my past few months.

How could I have let her fall weak when I was so weak myself?

Every bit of my last few months, it killed me to stay away from my family, my children.

I tried reminding myself that I had two children whom I loved more than anything in this world but it simply wouldn't help, the idea that I and Nandini could have had a third child.

The idea of not having more children never mattered to me or Nandini because we already had Myra and Aarav and we wanted to give them all the love we had.

But we were so close to having another baby. It was right there, in her womb, struggling to live.

Our child was struggling every day to survive inside her and there was nothing I could do.

The fact that it lived and died in a few months killed me from inside.

Of course Nandini became sick over the few months. She felt everything that she was feeling during her first pregnancy but she never thought that it could be because there is another life inside her because we always knew that was impossible.

Only if she knew how difficult it was for me to keep lying to her that it is food poisoning and keep changing her medicines with the ones prescribed by the gynaecologist.

And I knew I was being selfish to distance myself from all the three but I was all alone and it broke me from inside to be lying to them.

It broke me to lie to my wife.

But how could I tell her that she has a child inside her that was never coming to life? That we were just one step away from holding our third child in our hand?

It's been so difficult to wait in office until I know she's going to be asleep because I couldn't look at her in her eye and still lie to her.

I couldn't go to my children with a worn and tired and sad face and still pretend to be happy for them.

They made me happy, but the last few months had been a roller coaster and looking at my two children didn't help me but make me remember of my third kid that I had lost.

Nandini didn't know she was a new mother again, but I knew I was a father.

How many times I crawled in bed at midnight and talked to my third child while Nandini was asleep because I knew that was the only time I had.

I know I have been selfish.

But inside, it was breaking me.

I told nobody except Mukti and Zubin about this because I couldn't hold it inside me anymore and I cried in front of them, I broke down completely and they held me when I needed them the most.

And they were with me at two pm or two am, and I cried and moaned the death of my third child.

It was terrible how I could miss somebody I have never seen, never held, but she felt around me a hundred times and whenever I did, I knew it wouldn't be there for long but i couldn't help but let that hope in me stay that maybe, just maybe, it could happen again.

I told myself a thousand times to not keep hopes, to not feel anything as if I didn't know this happened and just let it pass away.

But how could you be a father and not love your child?

Even warning myself a hundred times did not help me and I got attached to that little baby growing inside my wife.

I couldn't help.

I became selfish.

And the secret that I kept inside for months now broke off.

And it made me crazy how I hid it for months and one stroke of anger and I let it all out.

I told her what I promised I couldn't.

I didn't want to do that. I didn't want her to know the truth, ever.

But was I selfish to not want to tell her the truth?

Was I selfish to not want to break her?

I don't know if I was wrong or if I was right but what I know is that I have been hurting miserably and trying to keep her away has been hurting her too but that pain was much lesser than telling the fact that she's lost her third child.

And I felt crazy. I wanted to take her pain away but how could I if I have given her the pain myself?

Walking into my kids room, I saw they were sleeping peacefully as I leaned in between their single beds.

Stroking Myra's hair away I slowly kissed her forehead and then did the same to Aarav.

"I'm sorry, babies!" I whispered and a tear drop left my eye again. I hated crying but all of this has made me so weak and strong at the same time. Weak because just the thought could make me cry and strong because it felt that if I could take this, I could take any pain in this world.

"It's okay paapaa!," I heard a whispered and I opened my eyes to see Myra sitting on her bed with that angelic smile on her face.

"Are you not asleep, badmaash!" I tried sounding happy as she crawled into my arms and I carried her outside, to not disturb Aarav.

We sat on the couch, and she sat on my lap, as she slowly wiped the tears off my face that had dried and kissed my cheek. Paapaa's princess!

"I know paapaa, you are crying because you missed us na?" She asked and I nodded.

"We missed you too paapaa!" She said hugging me, as she kept her small head on my chest and I pursed my lips, hugging her back tightly.

I was mad to ignore this love all the time.

I felt stupid to cry for the lost and ignore what I had with me.

I had the best children in the world and so much to celebrate about then why was I stuck behind something lost?

I looked at Myra and found her sleeping again. I chuckled, she had weak sleep but she could return to her sleep just as quickly.

I smiled, carrying her back to her room and placing her on her bad and covering her with the blanket, I went back to my room.

Nandini was fast asleep, I leaned beside her on the floor and stared at the dried tears before softly wiping them away.

I'm sorry, baby.

I have hurt you a lot, I know.

I carried the alarm clock from her side to my side. She's been through a lot and she's done everything for all of us she could.

It's time for me to be selfless now and let her be selfish for a while.

"I'm sorry Manik—... I—.. baby...," she whispered in sleep before snuggling into her blanket and falling asleep again.

I know you're hurting, baby.

I know I've been selfish.

But it's time for you to be selfish. And time for me to be selfless.

I'm sorry, darling. But things will change from tomorrow, and I promise you I will love you again, I will heal you again.

The dark night was over, we'd let the light shine over us again.

~•~