M A N I K

Life gives us tough decisions to make, always. There are points when you just stand between crossroads, having no idea what to do ahead and where to go; no idea what to feel and what not to. You just go where life takes you, leaving everything in God's hand, or whoever directs your life.

And this was one such moment of my life. I had no control over it. I was just going where the road takes me, walking till my feet agree to, ignoring the stares of people seeing a vulnerable super star on the road, and before I knew, I was at the hospital at which Nandini was admitted.

All my roads led to her.

Just to her.

She was my home. She was my peace, she was my everything.

And she asked me to leave her?

She wanted me to let her go?

Walking inside aimlessly, I think I collided with someone.

"Manik?" I heard Mukti almost whisper scream as her confused eyes met my lost ones. "Tu yahan kya kar rha hai? Why were you not with Nandini? Aur tune yeh kya halath banake rakhi hai? Will you care to explain?", she bickered.

I just sighed in returning, as I walked ahead, leaving her shouting behind.

What was I doing here? I myself don't know.

Why am I not with Nandini? Because that selfish girl wants to be alone with her kids.

Meine apni yeh haalath kyu banayi hai? Because I feel vulnerable. That's exactly what I am without Nandini.

And she still wanted to leave me. Alone. Alone with my darkness.

Reaching outside her room, I plainly stared at white long doors when I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Andar jaa, she needs you," he cooed and I negatively nodded.

"She doesn't, she just needs her babies. What am I to her?" I laughed dryly and he stared at me in disappointment.

"Why're you always so understanding just towards your own point of view. Years down your marriage Manik, you still don't understand my Nandini. She's doing all this for you!" He whispered.

"I know that. I fucking know that." I whispered back closing my eyes, an unknown anger and irritation creeping inside my nerves.

"It's she who needs to understand. We can have ten more babies as long as she is by my side. I know she thinks this will make me happy, holding my children in my hand and being a father will make me happy, but what she doesn't know is that I would never be what I am without her, my family would never be complete without her. She's doing all this for me, by breaking me down slowly," I felt helpless and vulnerable, suddenly feeling a lump in my throat that made me feel fucking weak.

"I need her Cabir, I just need her. As long as I have her, I need no one else. She's my world, my everything," I tried saying but my voice faded away slowly and his grip on my shoulder increased.

"No one said you're wrong, Manik. You're right. But so is she. She's a wife Manik, and being your wife, being your lover, all she wants is to see you happy. And she's seen the happiness that reflects in your eyes by just the mere thought of being a father, we've all seen that. And you ain't a father yet, but she's already a mother. She's the mother of her kids since the last eight and a half months Manik, and no mother can kill their own children. Just try thinking her way as well," he explained and I nodded, gulping in deep.

"But don't forget, she's the same girl that you first fell in love with, she's the same girl whom you bickered being your personal assistant, the same girl you vowed to marry, the same girl you promised many things four years back. Times change, relations don't. You're the same, she's the same, everything's still the same. She's still your Nandini , and all I want to say is, don't let this go. Don't let this change Manik, don't let this time go away; just grab what you have, go!" He almost pushed me inside and though he tried putting it in the best words, I still understood a lot of things that he tried hiding.

What he meant was that I shouldn't waste the time I had with her, cause that could be the last few moments, the last few days, the last few everything. Maybe the last time I hug her. The last time I hold her close. The last time I look into her eyes. The last time I hear her voice. The last time I see her breathe. The last time I hold her hand. The last time I and her will be together. The last time of everything.

Walking inside slowly, I saw her resting, her eyes closed.

Her eyes closed. That was the thing I had started fearing the most.

I didn't want her eyes to close, ever again in front of me. It dreaded me in a way that is unexplainable, haunted me more than my nightmares ever have.

Sitting beside her, I just stared at her face for a long time, looking at how different she looked. Even while sleeping, she had frowns, her eye brows creased. She looked weak and pale, unlike my girl and that made me feel like crying so miserably.

Caressing her forehead and sticking the lose and flying hair back to her bun, I left a long kiss there, which made her slowly open her eyes and I wiped away the lone tear before she could see it.

"Manik," she whispered weakly trying to get up and I couldn't, just couldn't hold in any longer. I was much more stronger than this I knew, but I couldn't take anything any longer.

Putting my hands across her shoulders, I pulled her towards me, her head crashing against my chest and I cried silently, kissing her head all over her hair.

My girl.
My wife.
My Nandini.
Safe.
In my arms.

She's still there with me.

No one was going to take her away from me.

No one. Not even death.

"I'm sorry Manik, I'm so sorry," she whispered repeating holding my tee tightly as she sobbed silently too.

We both needed each other, always.

"I've been very selfish, isn't it?," she cried pulling away from me and I nodded negatively as she wiped away my tears.

"I can't live without you, Nandini. You're my life, I can't even imagine a day without you. I can live without oxygen, but not without you. Please don't leave me, please, I'd die as well," I whispered wiping her tears as well and I didn't care how vulnerable I sounded, begging her to stay.

"I-.. Manik-... we...the babies-... I-...selfish...," she just cried, speaking coherently in middle and hiccuping after every few words, and she was just as bad and vulnerable as I was.

Holding her close to me, I realised how wrong I was. She was my girl. My wife. My Nandini. We can defeat anything together, we always have been, and here I was questioning her own love for me?

Kissing her temple, I still didn't let her go and she just hugged me even tighter, and we sat in silence.

It wasn't the deadening or uncomfortable silence, it was rather a beautiful one, the one which was very necessary. We both needed this, to absorb each other's presence, to let our hearts know that we're still together, safe; and no one was breaking us apart.

I kept kissing her temple and crown every few minutes and she, my heart.

I have never been a science student and never understood what the heart was actually made up of, I always found it so complicated. But now, at the moment, I knew that the heart was very simple. My heart was just made up of one single word, Nandini.

Holding her hand in mine, we slowly entwined it.

"So...," she whispered, biting her lower lip.

"We'd let them go...," I kept my hand on a bump and she closed her eyes, silent tears flowing away.

I know it's difficult for you, wifey. I know that.

But it's not easy for me as well.

Let's just hold on for a little longer.

Let's just have faith in us.

I promise I will make everything fine soon. I promise.

"We will let them go...," she repeated after me, and I hugged her tighter. My strong girl, I loved her so much.

"You see how life will change back na Manik, again you'd go to work early in the morning and come back late at night, I'd go to office to complete my work, come home and wait for you and then we'd both sleep. All that excitement, all that difference will just wipe away. And I already feel this emptiness inside me, Manik; a very different hollowness in my heart. Not that I am complaining or anything, but I feel as if there's some big burden on my heart, as if I'm losing a part of myself," she whispered and I wish I could tell her I feel the same too, but I knew I couldn't.

I had to be strong, to let her be weak.

"Who said life's going to be boring? I've planned a lovely trip for us. Tell me where do you want to go, hmm? London? Paris? Or wait, wait... how about Australia? You always wanted to go there right. We can have a little honey moon again...," I winked, "tell me baby, where should I take you?" I tried sounding just as happy as I could.

"Home, just take me home Manik...," she whispered and dig her head more in my chest and I sighed, kissing her forehead.

"I promise you'd go back home again soon and happy, baby," I whispered back more to myself.

"You don't need to pretend. I know, deep inside, this is breaking you as well. And we'd fight through this together, being stronger than ever...," she managed a small smile and I was so proud of my girl to even try smiling in a situation where any other girl would just cry and throw tantrums.

"I promise I'd love you for an eternity, you'd never feel anything missing in life. Just don't talk about leaving me ever again, okay? I love you so much," I kissed her cheek one last time before pulling away.

"I love you too," she hicupped, being as cute as ever and I felt like gobbling her up as I got up to bring some water for her.

And just as I turned behind, pouring some water to her, I felt her almost jump in her place, terror striken.

"MANIK!" She shouted holding her lower womb, gave full of pain and the water glass left from my hand.

"You need to abort the baby out before her water breaks, orelse it can be absolutely dangerous to the life of all the three, and the chances of Nandini's survival become less automatically along with the babies," the doctors words recalled in my mind.

I felt a sudden hole in my heart as I held her in my arms and I it was as if I felt something stab into me. Was I going to lose my everything?

~•~

Want to read more? You know where to find it. Link in my account, PM me incase you are finding any difficulties with the app.

Thanks and lots of love till the next time.