Present day October 2018

The suspense was killing me , neither of us made a sound as we waited for the door to open. Hundreds of different thoughts were running through my mind , what if he doesn't open the door ? What if he doesn't want to talk to me ? Ricky must have sensed my unease because I felt him give my hand a small squeeze , I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths and that's when I heard the door begin to open. I wanted to run but I couldn't , it was like my feet were glued to the ground. I willed myself to calm down I was not having a panic attack right outside Hayden's house. "Rick , it's like 11 am. I was still asleep." His voice was like warm honey and still husky from sleep and it sent a deep shiver through my body. My eyes roamed over him , he still looked the same after all these years but I could tell something wasn't right , the bags underneath his eyes were prominent and his eyes were dull void of the mischievous sparkle that had ones resided there.

"I've brought someone to see you." Ricky replied , though the way he spoke to Hayden confused me slightly it was like he was talking to a small child.

"H-Hayden , it's me. It's Luce , do you remember me?" I spoke softly , trying to mimic the tone that Ricky used. He stood there and I watched as his eyes roamed over me , he was looking at me as if he was trying to decide if I was actually there or not as if I was a figure of his imagination. I took a step forward and then another , closing the gap between the two of us "it's me , Hayden. I'm home." I reach out and place my hand on his cheek just to confirm to him that I was actually there , his eyes closed momentarily and he muttered something to himself before his eyes snapped open again. "L-Luce?" He murmured , he sounded so unsure of himself as if this was all some cruel prank just to spite him.

"Yeah , it's me. I'm here." I ran my thumb over his cheek slightly and felt his body shudder slightly under my touch , his gaze travelled over me once more and it was as if something had finally clicked in his brain and I was pulled into a tight embrace.

"Jesus , Luce. Where the fuck have you been?" He murmured into my hair. I was stunned , my whole body was in shock. All I could do was wrap my arms around his neck and burry my face into his chest. It was all so familiar to me but so alien at the same time , he still smelt like Hayden that deep musky sent that had embedded itself into my mind all those years ago , it was like I was finally home. "It's a long story , but I want you to know that it wasn't my idea. I'd never leave any of you without a somewhat decent explanation."

"I thought I'd never see you again."

"I'm so so sorry" I began " I can explain everything if you'll let me , I know it won't ever justify the disappearing act I pulled but you need to know what really happened."

"I've got all the time in the world. I'm never letting you out of my sight again." The possessiveness in his tone was enough to make me shudder again , don't get a head of yourself Lucia remember you were like a little sister to him , the voice in my head chided.

He led both myself and Ricky into the house , the whole place was exactly as it was 5 years ago and memories of the both of us stumbling in through the door after a party flashed through my mind. We all walked through to the living room and Hayden motioned for both of us to sit , it was like something out of a dream I was back inside Hayden's house sat on the same sofa we always used to sit on , it was somewhat like a sensory overload. "I guess I should start my explanation." I say and for the second time today I launch into the story of why I disappeared of the face of the earth.

"But you're back now, right?" Hayden asked

"Yeah I'm back now , I'll figure something out. I'm not leaving again."

"Luce" Ricky began "I've got to leave for a bit. One of the kids I work with just called , he really needs to talk to me. I shouldn't be too long , an hour at the most."

"Don't be silly Rick , just go. I'll see you soon."

Being in the house alone with Hayden was slightly more awkward than I remember , neither of us knew what to say to each other a problem we'd never had when we were younger. The elephant in the room was making it even more awkward , I wanted to ask him why he was still taking drugs and why he'd denied all the help he was offered from his family along with Ricky and the girls. "Spit it out , Luce. I can tell you want to ask me something , you were never good at holding your tongue." I weighed up the pros and cons , talking about his problem could either save him or cause a catastrophic argument between the two of us but the thought of Hayden finally getting clean was what made me speak up. "Ricky told me that you're still using." I hated the fact that my voice sounded so small and nervous.

"Ugh." He groaned " not you as well. I'll tell you like I told them , I am fine and I don't need any help. I've got it under control."

"Did you have it under control the night of that party?" I shouted back "the night that I thought you'd fucking died." He tried to pull me towards him but I pushed him away "You're not well Hayden and you need help."

"Luce , I'm fine you're just being dramatic."

"Dramatic?" I screech "you're the reason why I got moved away , why I had to go to rehab and why I ended up losing my whole life here because I was too young and dumb to realise what you were doing was stupid."

"Boo hoo , the princess was shipped away and told not to talk to her friends again. Did it ever cross your shallow little mind that you were the problem? That you were the one that made it impossible for me to get help." The bitterness in his voice scared me , I'd never seen him this angry before.

"W-what do you mean." I stammered

"After I'd left the hospital and learnt that you'd disappeared , I searched everywhere for you but it was like you'd never existed. For a whole month I drank and took whatever I could get my hands on at the time and that's when you'd come back to me. Every time I crashed you were the only one that was there , sometimes it was just your voice but other times I could see you and it was like you had never disappeared but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't really you so I just drank more and got higher to block out that little voice that was telling me that you weren't real and it worked for a while and I was left blissfully unaware that you were actually gone , but it wasn't the same as having you here with me. When you left it was like you took the better half of me with you and all that was left of me was a husk of a person and the only thing that seemed to fill the void was the drugs and alcohol."

The only thing that was going round in my mind was that all of this was my fault , I was the reason he wouldn't get help and I was the reason he was still using. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I made quick work on making sure that he didn't see me cry , I had no reason to be upset , guilty maybe for contributing to someone trying to ruin their life but I wasn't allowed to feel upset. "So all of this is my fault then?" I laugh humourlessly

"Luce , no I didn't mean it like that." He replied "I needed to see you and I'd have done anything to get you back but none of us knew where you'd gone so I just stuck to the next best thing."

"That doesn't make anything better , Hayden. I missed you too , more than you realise but I got help and I moved on with my life. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere ever again. I just need you to try , I don't want to ever go through what I did the night you overdosed ever again it was the worst night of my life. I went all night without seeing even a glimpse of you to then being told that you've overdosed , I don't think I'll ever be able to get over what happened that night." He pulled me into him for a second time and this time I didn't fight it , I needed to feel his arms around me and I needed to smell the familiar musky scent of his aftershave. I just needed to pretend for a few moments that this situation wasn't totally fucked up and that everything was just completely normal.

A/N

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