February 2019

"Luce, you can't stay in bed for the rest of your life." Ricky's voice was muffled through the duvet I had over my head. I'd point blank refused to leave the house for the past week, I knew I was acting on a whole new level of petty, but I couldn't help it. Hayden had been home for just over a week now, and I was doing everything in my power to avoid even catching a glimpse of him.

"Leave me alone, Rick. You and the girls can go out; you don't need me to come out with you. I'm fine here in bed."

"Lucia Price, I'm not above tearing this blanket of you and dragging you out with us. You're not a hermit, stop acting like one."

"You know why." I whisper "what if we bump into him? I'm not ready to see him yet, and it's still too painful." The last two months had gone by abnormally fast; I still hadn't decided what I was going to do regarding myself and Hayden's relationship and seeing him would just add to the confusion, I wasn't ready for that just yet. "I know sweetie; it's completely up to you. Think about it and let me know, you've still got a while to decide. You know I've been talking to him, right?" I felt Ricky lower himself down to sit on the end of the bed.

I pull the blanket back slightly and nod my head. "Yeah, I kind of guessed. How's he doing?" I couldn't help being so invested in his progress, not when I'd witnessed the man he could be when he was clean. "Not to sound biased but he's doing great." Ricky began "he's agreed to visit a counsellor twice a week, along with agreeing to regular and random drug testing at the hospital."

I was pleasantly surprised that he was going to these lengths to prove himself. I still hadn't spoken to Ricky about the text I'd received a month earlier. I hadn't replied to it, even though I'd typed out several different ones over the last few weeks, sending one however was a different story.

"I think I might have something to do with that." I murmur "here, take a look." I grab my phone from the nightstand, unlocking it and opening the message feed, I hand my phone over to him. I say nothing as Ricky reads the message, anxiety was rolling me in waves, but I hadn't a clue why.

"Can I be frank with you?" He asks after a moment.

"Of course. You know I always value your honesty."

"I honestly believe that you're that boys saving grace. He's gone about this the wrong fucking way don't get me wrong, but you're keeping this boy alive. Even when you weren't here, and he was in that awful place, your memory was keeping him here. Without you, I can honestly say I don't think he'd be with us."

I hadn't a clue what to say. Whether his words were right or not that was another thing, his brutal honesty was what'd rendered me utterly speechless. "I'm scared Rick," I confess after a while. "I'm scared because I still feel something for him even though I know I shouldn't. Christ, I should fucking hate him for what he did to me, but I can't rick. I love him so much it hurts. That's what scares me the most."

The confession makes me feels like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but it also made me foolish. No woman in their right mind would want to stay involved with a man who'd put her through so much trauma, yet here I was my heart still pining for the one thing it shouldn't.

"You can't help who you fall in love with, stupid." Ricky chuckles "you both loved each other, so intensely it's only natural that feelings are still there. It's how you act on them."

"I know, how I act on them is the thing that's gotten me all confused. Half of me wants to run for the hills and never speak to him again; the other half wants to run into his arms and never let him go again."

"Maybe you should talk to him? Seeing him again might put things into perspective for the both of you."

Damn you and your fucking logic. "I guess you're right." I admit after a while "I think it'll do us both some good to talk things out. We're both grown adults, and I guess we need to start acting accordingly."

"Good girl." He replies "now; the big question is, have I convinced you to come out with us tonight?"

I think for a moment, and for the first time in a long time, a smile appears on my face. "Yeah." I laugh "I think you have."

Two hours and many cocktails later all the anxiety of the earlier conversation was non-existent. The atmosphere in the club was electric and due to the level of alcohol in my system I was fully immersed in it. It was nice to be out and spending time with the girls too; our jobs made our get-togethers few and far between, so every meet up was something to be treasured.

"I'll get the next round of drinks," Ricky announced over the loud music. We all just about catch what he says, and the girls and I nod our heads furiously. Thankfully after just over an hour of dancing we'd managed to snag one of the booths, giving our feet a much-needed break.

"How are doing?" Kiara asks, "I know it's been rough for you for a while."

"Honestly, I feel so much better." I reply, "there's still some stuff I need to work out, but I'm a million times better than I have been."

Out of nowhere, she pulls me into a bone-crushing hug. I return gesture immediately; the girls and I have been through some shit, but I'm so glad I've still got them in my life. "Don't you ever scare me like that ever again." She says, holding me at arm's length. "You're not going anywhere; you're back where you belong now."

The sudden affection from Kiara stuns me slightly; she was never the one to be open with her emotions, choosing to bottle them up instead. "I'm fine, Ki." I reply, "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

My answer seemed to pacify her, and she released the death grip she had on my shoulders. Ricky came back with our drinks moments later, and we all pounced on them like we'd spent the last month in the Sahara without a drop of water. I was glad I'd chosen to spend the night out with everyone, I'd forgotten how good spending time with them all felt. After draining the last drop of my porn star martini, my bladder begins to scream. "I'm just popping to the toilet," I say to no one in particular, just hoping that either one of the girls or Ricky were paying attention.

The line for the club toilets moved fast after I'd washed my hands I took a little time to puff my hair up in the mirror. The buzz from the alcohol had a permanent dopey smile on my lips. At least I was smiling, even though it was due to the alcohol.

Pulling my phone from my clutch, I check my phone for any messages. Without warning my body collided with what I assumed was a brick wall. However, I was proved wrong when this 'wall' sprouted arms to stop me from falling.

"Shit, I'm so sorry I wasn't looking where I -." My voice faltered as my eyes connected with the person who I'd walked into. Hayden was stood in front of me looking like he'd just been pealed from the pages of Vogue. He looked healthy, and his eyes were glowing, and it wasn't because of the fluorescent lighting in the club.

I couldn't help, but stair, this man in front of me was a god and regardless of the inward conflict in my heart. His hands were still on my arms, and my whole body felt as if it was on fire. I wanted to move away, but my brain was having trouble relaying the information to my feet.

"Are you okay?" He asks, "I wasn't expecting to see you out tonight."

"Umm, yeah I'm great. I didn't think I'd be out tonight either; it was kind of a last-minute decision."

"If it's not to forward I think you look beautiful." His words made my whole-body shudder, I'm sure he felt it and I was thankful for the muted lighting in the club, or I'm sure I'd be beet red.

"Thanks." I murmured, not sure how to reply. "Who are you here with?" I was genuinely curious, but the jealous side of me hoped that he wouldn't mention a girl.

"Just a few friends. I figured I could do with a night out and relax a little."

"That's fair enough." I replied "do you think we could meet up sometime in the week? We need a chat."

"We could go now?" He suggests "the guys won't care if I leave."

I thought for a moment, was I ready to talk to him now? Or did I need some more time to plan out what I was going to say? "Sure, why not." I reply, "let me just go and tell everyone I'm leaving." I walked over to the booth where everyone was thankfully still sat at. "I'm going to head off, Hayden and I are going for a little chat. Will you leave the door unlocked for me, Rick?"

"If she comes back with even a hair missing from her head, I'll fucking castrate you." Kiara spat.

"Kiara, shut up." Ricky said rolling his eyes "that's fine sweetie, just give me a text to let me know you're on your way home."

After the minor confrontation, I give Ricky and the girls a quick hug and then Hayden and make our way to the front of the club. As we walk towards the door, I feel his arm snake around my waist. I keep my eyes on the door; I didn't want to look at him. I knew if I did my resolve would crumble and everything I had planned to talk to him about, would become null and void.

We both walked in silence to the 24-hour McDonald's that was in the middle of town. Thankfully it was relatively empty for 11 P.M on a Saturday night, we sat down in the nearest booth, and for a while, we were both silent. "Do you want anything to eat?" he asked after a while. Even though the thought of a box of 20 chicken nuggets and a large portion of fries would undoubtedly make me feel better, I needed to keep my head in the game.

"No, I'm okay. Thanks though. How've you been?" I asked, no point delaying the inevitable conversation. "For the first time in a long, while I can honestly say, I'm doing good. Mentally I'm in such a better place than I have been, I know I joked about it before, but those councillors have helped. I feel like me again, and it's fucking amazing."

I couldn't help smiling. This is all I'd ever wanted for him since we'd reconnected, maybe this was his turning point. "I'm so happy for you, Hayden. I am, I'm glad you're on the right track. I always knew you could do it; you just needed to believe in yourself."

"It's an ongoing process, I'm going to be meeting with a counsellor twice a week, and they're going to be carrying on what I was doing in rehab."

He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. I knew what was going to come. Next, it was the apology for what had happened before he went away. "I know you might not want to hear this but, I need to say this. It's been eating me alive ever since I went away. I'm so fucking sorry for what I did; I can't justify my actions. I can only hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I don't expect it to be straight away. But I need you in my life, Luce. You're my everything; I just hope that one day you'll feel the same way again."

"I appreciate your apology. However, it's not needed. I've realised that if you weren't for your illness, it wouldn't have ever happened, you'd have never of put me in that position, or yourself for that matter. I can't hate you for what you did, even though I tried. It was this illness that was corrupting the real you. I don't think I have it in me to hate you."

I unfolded my arms and placed a single hand on his arm; I knew he needed the confirmation that I wasn't just saying it to pacify him.

We sat there together and spoke about anything and everything for over two hours. It was as if nothing had ever happened; our conversation was so fluid and natural. This was the Hayden that I loved, the cheeky and cocky man that was so sure of himself. But now there was a side to him that was more cautious.

I yawned as I glanced at my phone. "I think it's time I headed home. It's getting late." I said as I stifled another yawn. Thankfully there was a taxi bay right across the road, so I wouldn't have to wait for hours for one to appear.

Ever the gentleman, Hayden waited for my taxi to appear even though I told him it wasn't necessary. Thankfully a few moments later the taxi appeared. Just as I was about to climb into the black Mercedes, he grabbed my arm. "I was serious about what I said, Luce. I will win you back; I'll bet my life on it. I love you too much to let you go. It'll be better this time I promise. It might take some time, but from the moment I knew I was in love with you, I knew you were mine."

He kissed my forehead and helped me into the back of the taxi. As it drove off my mind was awash with thousands of different emotions. I did not doubt that he would do everything in his power to win me back. I just didn't know how long I'd be able to resist it.