'Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.'

-Edna St. Vincent Millay
***

Hayworth Estate;

Geoffrey had never thought the day would come when he would be setting foot in Hayworth Estate again.
The place was a reminder of his recurring nightmare, a memory so profoundly painful that it never managed to evade him even for a second.

But he had been grossly mistaken, for there he was, witnessing another agonising moment. The woman he had considered no less than his own mother, was lying cold beneath the ground.
She had left the world, taking with her the last vestiges of hope that he had buried in some obscured corner of his heart. It did not matter that she was a gentle and kind soul, never having hurt anyone in her life; she had been like Saya- too pure for this wretched world.

For the first time in years, he felt sympathy for the man who had once been one of his dearest friends. They had hardly spoken a single word to each other since Saya’s death. But now, seeing Zachary standing with the most defeated look he had ever seen on his face, Geoffrey felt the need to comfort him.

The man had lost his mother. He knew well enough how much Zachary had cared for Lady Margaret. Since his father’s death, she had been Zachary’s world. No matter what had transpired between them over the years, Geoffrey knew that her death must have been devastating for him.

He found himself moving towards his bent figure, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Zachary gave no indication of hearing him. He continued to gaze at the freshly covered grave, his eyes devoid of any life.

“She wished you were her son. I could see it in her eyes.”

Geoffrey frowned at his words. He did not know the extent of animosity between the mother and son. He only knew that Lady Margaret had never forgiven Zachary for abandoning Saya.
He himself, could never blame her for that; for, his own hatred for this man- one who so callously discarded the woman who deserved to be loved wholeheartedly- knew no bounds.

“You know that is not true. She is- was your mother. She was disappointed, but would always love you.”

Geoffrey’s words held no warmth.
They stood side-by-side; their eyes fixed ahead.

Zachary gave a rueful smile.
If only he knew…

“I failed her, Geoffrey. I failed too many people in my life, people I should have cherished. My father, my mother, my wife, my friends, my children…”

His words choked as he bit back a bitter laugh.

“I might be deemed as the most miserable man. Remember how I boasted about being the best Knight in the entire Kingdom? The most honourable and courageous?”

He looked at him then. His eyes were still blank.

“I was an imposter. Look at what I am now.”

Geoffrey’s frown deepened. There was something in those eyes- something he couldn’t decipher.

They stood there for a few more moments, a morose silence floating around them.
Geoffrey did not say anything. Years ago, he would have held him, embraced him and told him to be brave in this time of loss. But now, they were nothing more than strangers.
He had once thought he knew this man, but he had been wrong- bitterly wrong.
__________________________________

Emma held Maya’s hand as she cried.

She was seeing her friend after months, had just found out that she was soon to be a mother, and she couldn’t even display any happiness.

Her heart clenched as she thought about the grief that Maya and Brandon had to suffer all their life.
To someone else, they had seemed perfectly happy. They were the eldest children of Lord Hayworth- doted upon by their family and fortunate to have more wealth than most could imagine.

But Emma had seen the longing lingering behind their eyes. It had always been there. She had realised, quite late, the mask of indifference that Brandon had donned to hide that. Whenever he boasted about his conquests, or teased her in the past, she had failed to notice the emptiness in his eyes. But now she knew.

They had been denied the one thing they craved- their mother’s love.
It was hard to comprehend that they longed for the love of a woman they had never had a chance to know.
It seemed unreasonable.
Some might even reason that they should be perfectly happy with the love that others- their grandmother and aunt, even Lord Berkeley- showered upon them; but those people would never understand.

The love Maya and Brandon felt for their mother was a sacred one; it was the love that could only be felt for a woman who carried you in her womb, nurturing you with her own blood, loving you unreservedly- one who was ready to give up her life to bring you in the world. It is undeniably hard to replace such kind of a love.
And so, Emma had never questioned their longing.

And now, they had lost the one woman who had been able to soothe the ache of losing their mother. Emma knew Maya was hurting. They all were.

She cast a glance at Brandon, his face an unreadable mask. He stood with Averey and Robert, along with Lady Eleanor and her children.
Everywhere she looked, there was sorrow.

The preparations for the funeral had been done in a numb monotony. She was there, not leaving Maya side for even a second, trying to make her eat something; but she had been unsuccessful.

Even after Prince Edward’s arrival that morning, Emma had stuck to her side, and he had not shown any displeasure.
Seeing his patience and love for Maya, Emma was convinced that she did not have to worry after her. But as long as she stayed here, she had to be the support that her friend needed.

“I cannot believe she is gone.”

Maya’s voice was soft and unbelieving.
Emma embraced her at the first sob.

“Hush. She is with the Lord now. She would never want to see you like this, Maya. Please.”

Her own voice was hoarse.
She herself had been unable to believe that the kind woman, who had never failed to treat her like a family member, was gone. She would never be visiting her again; never seeing her bright smile as she reread Maya’s letters to her.

“Oh, Emma! I cannot understand! She was just fine. You told me so. What happened? How did it come to this?”

Emma evaded her gaze as she searched for an answer. She did not know what had happened; only that something terrible had been said by Lady Hayworth, causing Brandon to leave the Estate and Lady Margaret to be taken ill.
As much as she had tried to speculate at the time, ridden with the need to see Brandon, Emma had never gotten to know the reason behind the altercation.

She knew the history of the family; knew the reason for the undercurrent of animosity that Brandon had carried for Lord Hayworth for years. She even knew the reason behind Lady Margaret’s cold demeanour towards her own son and daughter-in-law.
But she could never grasp the new-found hatred in Brandon’s eyes- one that had intensified since his grandmother’s death.

However, she dared not tell all this to Maya. She was already in a poor condition. Her woes did not need an increment.

Keeping her voice steady, Emma replied in an empathetic tone,

“It was sudden, Maya. No one could understand.”

Maya face contorted with emotion, her jaw tightening with the effort it took for her to control another burst of tears. Her grandmother.
One who had promised to be there for her at every step of her life. Gone.
She would never be feeling her warm embrace again; would never have the chance to see the pride in her eyes as she showed her another painting.

She had often imagined, over the past few weeks, the moment she would tell her wonderful news to her. She had envisioned her grandmother’s angelic smile as she held her with joy.
But she was never to get that.

The Lord had finally decided to punish her for feeling as fulfilled and content, as she had. She knew it had all been too good to be true.
__________________________________

Brandon saw his sister as she cried in Emma’s arms, looking thoroughly distraught.

He saw his Prince Edward standing a few feet away from them, looking at his wife with a helpless expression in his eyes, not knowing how to abate her sorrow.

Brandon understood his plight perfectly. He had been unable to placate her when she had sobbed endlessly in his arms that morning. He knew nothing he did would be able to help her. They both had not only lost their grandmother, but also the only mother they had known in their lives.

He for one, had lost the ability to shed any more tears. All that was left now was a blinding void and white-hot rage- at himself and at the man who had been the root cause of all the misery in his life.

But he could not let Maya see that. She was hurting enough already.

He took one look at his father, standing with his wife as they attended to the departing guests. The funeral was long over. And as far as Brandon was concerned, so was the façade of being a one, big family, united in their loss.

He could not bear another second of it. The faces of Zachary and Scarlet Hayworth, etched with grief for something they themselves had been responsible for, filled him with fury.
He could not go on with this.

They had seized from his grandmother, even the last few moments of peace. His heart bled as he thought of the guilt and remorse on her face as she took her last breath.

He clenched his teeth, stalking towards his sister.

“Emma, take Maya upstairs to her chambers. She needs her rest.”

Emma was startled at the severity of his tone.
Maya was too absorbed in her grief to notice it. She let an apprehensive Emma lead her by the hands.

They were soon joined by Prince Edward, who pulled his exhausted wife in his arms, sighing heavily as he followed Emma.

Brandon waited till they were out of sight before stalking off to his father. The last of the guests had left, leaving only the closest of their family together.

“I hope you are happy now.”

Zachary blanched as he turned to him.
He had been dreading the moment he would have to face the severity of Bran’s feelings.

He knew that the hopes of seeking forgiveness from his son, if any, were lost forever.

“Bran-"

“No. Do not take my name. I just came to tell you to stay away from Maya. Fortunately, she is unaware of your horrific actions. But it would do you good not to take undue advantage of her ignorance; for then, I would not hesitate to disclose the truth to her.”

He turned around abruptly, not bothering to spare a glance at Scarlet.

Zachary kept his eyes at his son’s as he joined Geoffrey, who was leaving.
He saw his son embracing his friend, both of them seeking comfort and consoling each other like it was a shared loss. For someone who did not know better, they could be easily mistaken for father and son.

How had it come to this?
Was this how he was being punished? But how could this be the mighty Lord’s justice?

His son was hurting because of his misdeeds, losing his childhood and youth to his anger.
His mother had never had always thought in the best interests of everyone. He was the one who had been selfish and inconsiderate.
Why then, did she have to bear this pain?
Why were his family members being punished instead of him?

If he had a choice, he would have gladly given up his own life, in the place of his mother. His family needed her more than him.
Yet, the cruel fate had snatched that choice away from him, and there she was- lying cold in the ground.

Perhaps, this was what the Lord intended for him; perhaps dying would have been too little a punishment for the sins that he had committed.
He would have to live a bitter and meaningless life. He would live to regret each mistake.

His mother’s face swam around Zachary- her smiling, kind eyes as she embraced him as a child. He could see her holding his bruised leg as he fell from his horse for the first time, frowning like she was the one who was hurt; how she had supported him after his father’s death- never swaying in her faith on him.
And what had he given her for her priceless love?

He had seen the disappointment in her eyes for the past twenty years. No matter how hard he had tried to compensate for that, she had never truly forgiven him.

And then, he had delivered the fatal blow.

The last time he had seen her, she did look at him with disappointment, but rather shame. That had been the worst he had ever felt.
His own mother, being ashamed of him!
And he had been a coward as always, not having enough courage to visit his ailing mother.

As he remembered her resigned expression when she took her last breath, he had a horrible thought- perhaps he had shamed her thus, that she was more inclined towards leaving this world…

“Zach…”

Eleanor’s distraught face pulled Zachary out of his misery.
His sister.
How many years had it been since she last visited her own home?

And now that she was finally here, he could not even be happy about that.

“Eleanor.”

Her brother’s voice sent a wave of longing through Eleanor.
He looked absolutely miserable. She had never seen him like this, except for the day that Saya died.

As she looked at him, she felt a twinge of regret. He looked like he had aged beyond his years.
Though his face was still as handsome as it had always been, there were defined lines around his mouth and marring his forehead. His shoulders were stumped like he carried the weight of ten men on him.
But it were his eyes that had aged the most. They did not shine with life as they had once used to, making him look much older than his seven and forty. They almost seemed dead, causing Eleanor to shudder.

She could not help the sob that escaped her. This was not how it was supposed to be.
They had been a happy family. They could have been an even happier one.
The years after her brother married Saya had been the best for Eleanor. She had not only had her brother and mother, but a sister too. But she should have known that such happiness only exists in dreams. Life was too cruel for such a feeling to persist.

Eleanor’s gaze fell upon the still figure of her brother’s wife standing behind him. She had not heard her speak a word since she came.
Though, she would never complain about that; the last thing she needed was to hear the voice of the woman who destroyed her family.

“I-I have to leave tomorrow. Maya needs my care right now, so I would leave after her. I-"

Eleanor stopped as words escaped her.
Why was it so hard to talk to her own brother?
There had been a time when she ate his ears off with her incessant chatter.

He was looking at her expectantly, almost too afraid to interrupt. But she could not find anything to say, not without lashing onto him the years of anger and frustration for turning their family like this.

“I should go see her.”
Her tone was clipped.

Zachary’s face abandoned the hope it had carried as he nodded.

Yes, this was better.

He was not ready to lose his sister forever. And after she knew what his mother had come to know, there was no doubt about the fact that he would lose her forever.
__________________________________

Scarlet felt her spirit sagging away.
A bone-deep exhaustion crushed her. It was night time. The entire manor was quiet. She knew no one was sleeping.
How could they?

They hadn’t even had a grain of food since yesterday. It all seemed trivial in front of their great loss. Hunger and thirst had evaded them all.
Even the children were uncharacteristically quiet and spiritless. Young Philip hadn’t stopped asking about his grandmother.

She was most concerned about Maya. It was imperative in her condition, to have some food in her belly. But she had been refusing it. It was a good thing that Eleanor and Emma were there to persuade her.

Scarlet had wanted to console her; tell her that she should be worrying about her child. She had wanted to embrace her and feel the child- her grandchild- beneath her palms; he was the only ray of hope in the gloom surrounding them.
But her own guilt had stopped her from venturing more than a few feet towards her.
How could she even face her?

Scarlet felt her knees weaken as she neared the balcony. She looked around for the nearest bench, but stopped short when she saw the lone figure sitting desolately on it.

“Averey?”

Her voice caused her son to turn towards her, his face stricken with grief, causing her heart to clench with agony.
He had not talked to her since the day the awful truth had come to light. She herself had been too ashamed to face him. But seeing him like this, she could not stop herself from approaching him.

Taking a few measured steps towards him, she began in a cautious tone,

“Son, what are you doing here at this time of the night?”

Averey looked at her with blank eyes.
She felt her strength leave her.

“What does it matter to you?”

His cold voice caused her to wince inwardly.

“Of course, it matters to me, Averey! I am your mother.”

Scarlet would have flinched at the desperation in her voice had she been thinking rationally. But all reason had left her the moment she saw the pain in her son’s eyes.

“I know, mother. I am reminded of that fact every second; most evidently when I look into the eyes of Bran or Maya.”

Scarlet saw the penitent smile on his face and felt herself going numb.

“I have hurt you a lot, haven’t I? You must hate me.”

She was tired of being angry and resentful. Her tone was accepting as she spoke, her smile mirroring that of his.

Averey let out a short humourless chuckle. He shook his head slowly.

“No, mother. I thought I hated you for a moment. But, how could I?”

He fixed his eyes at hers, with an intense look on his face.
“You are my mother. You love me. For as long as I can remember, you have taught me great things. You taught me how to be the man I am today. You cared for me when I was sick and hurt when I was hurt. How could I ever hate you?”

Scarlet’s eyes filled with gratitude.
What had she ever done to deserve him for her son?

Averey’s expression hardened as he continued, his face scrunching up with incredulity,

“But I cannot help but feel disappointed, mother.
Over the years, I had learnt to live with the guilt of your and father’s actions.
What you did to Lady Saya…it was cruel. And that is not how I know you! Weren’t you the one who taught me to be kind and generous? I tried to understand why you both did it. Maybe you two loved each other too much; two people who couldn’t for once, think about anyone else.
I thought, that whatever your reasons might have been, I was going to be the one repenting for them. I would pray for Lady Saya’s soul. I seek her forgiveness every second of the day, thinking that maybe, she would be able to forgive you both for what you did.”

He paused for a moment, sighing deeply, before continuing in a hoarse voice,

“But then, the other day… How am I ever going to seek forgiveness for that unforgivable sin, mother? How? I hate father for what he did. I hate him with all my being, mother. When I think what Bran must have felt-“

His body shuddered involuntarily as he closed his eyes, a few drops of tears rolling down his face.

“I cannot even think about being at his place. If someone did that to you- to my mother, I would not rest until I have made him pay dearly- with his life preferably.
This is what frightens me, mother. What am I supposed to say to Bran now? How am I ever supposed to face my father again, knowing what I know now? Lord forbid it from happening, but what would I say to Maya if she ever came to know about this?
And how am I supposed to understand your intentions behind all this?
How could you do this?
How could you ever marry that man after knowing that?”

Scarlet bit back her sob as she sat facing him, her face pleading.

“No, son. Please understand-"

“Understand what, mother? You forgave that man! How was it your place to do that? Did you even make him face his sin? Did you go back to her- your friend, and ask her how she was?”

Her bent face and hesitant eyes told Averey all he had feared to know.
His face paled as he stood on unsteady knees, pinning her with an accusing glance.

“How, mother? How could you even bear to look at his face after that? You begot me and married him, after knowing all this. Not only that, you even went on to hide his sins from everyone. I cannot understand! Aren’t you the same woman who taught me how to be respectful towards the ladies and how to never disrespect anyone? How could you negotiate on your pride and self-respect like that?”

Scarlet had nothing to say to him. She knew that nothing she said could ever compensate for her mistakes.

Averey looked at her with a defeated expression.

“You did what you did, mother. Now, I am going to do what I have to. You failed the woman whom you called your friend. You failed all women. Not only that, you went on to dispose your mistakes and sins on the shoulders of a kind and compassionate woman- a woman who loved your sons with all her heart. You said all those hurtful things to grandma, intentionally trying to make her feel miserable. Why did you have to spread this hatred when you know how deeply it would affect her? Are you happy now? Grandma is no longer with us. And do you know what killed her? It was the guilt. She could not bear it. But you did not know that it would affect her thus, did you? After all, you had lived quite splendidly with that same guilt all these years.”

Averey sniggered as he gave her a cold look before turning back to walk away.

“I did what I thought was the best at the time, son. Believe me. Yes, I made mistakes- big ones. But please don’t ever blame yourself for that, Averey. They are not your cross to bear. Please, son!”

Scarlet’s imploring tone caused him to stop in his steps.
He clenched his jaw, speaking in a bitter voice,

“Well, it is too late for that now, mother. It is a cross I have been bearing since the moment I was born; and would have to bear till the moment I die.”

Scarlet was left with a numb chill running through her veins as she saw her son’s stiff retreating figure, knowing all too well that the ache in her heart would never dull.

__________________________________

Author’s Note-

Hello to all my wonderful readers!

So, as you may have noticed, this was sort of a filler chapter. A death of a character as major as Lady Margaret has to have a deep emotional impact on all the characters. It was important to have a chapter dedicated to that.

Lady Margaret was one of my personal favourite characters. It saddens me to know that I will not be writing her character again in the coming chapters.

Anyways, starting from the next chapter, the story would be gaining momentum.

Who do you think was the most affected by her death?

Also, the last chapter was uploaded last Thursday.
I have been thinking of making a proper schedule of updates so that there is no ambiguity. I do not want to keep you guys waiting. So, the book would be updated every Thursday.

I hope it is comfortable for everyone.
I certainly can do better with a deadline!

Thank you for your constant support.

Till the next time!👋