*unedited*

N A N D I N I

He lay in my lap and I gently stroke his hair. I know you'd all think that I'm a fool, an emotional fool to be with him like this even after whatever he has done.

Yes, I am angry, I am hurt, I am disgusted, and I have tried my best to hate him. But this is love. And I have loved him with all my heart. And now that he needs me, I can't push him away. This isn't me.

Sometimes this is about love. We give people we love more than they deserve, and get hurt by the same people, more than we deserve.

But there was a part of me who wanted to stay there, to know the truth.

I stroke his hair once more with my right hand and our eyes locked. "You are my imagination right?", he asked like a little kid and I kept silent.

If I say yes, I'd betray him by lying. If I say no, he wouldn't tell me anything.

Manik was a kid, a little kid with a huge ego. He hasn't ever experienced emotions, and so when he does, he ends up acting in the wrong way and pushing people away from him.

"Nandini, do you hate me?" He asked slowly, hope in his eyes.

"No, I don't", I replied looking right into his eyes. I should hate him, I have tried hating him, but I can't. I can't.

"But you should hate me after whatever I have done to you!" He says with utmost sincerity.

"Not before you tell me why have you done this...", I said, weakly smiling.

"Princess! This monster destroyed you and you still want to know why? You should just hate me, you shouldn't look at any reason. I have given you a reason to hate me myself, why are you even here with me right now?" He says looking into my eyes. I feel confused. What does he want? Does he want me to hate him?

For once, he says he is afraid to lose me, and then the other moment he himself asks me to hate him. Manik Malhotra is one such mystery that seems impossible to decipher.

"Please tell me why did you do that, please?" I begged. I'd cry now to know the answers but I can't live anymore without knowing why, without knowing what Manik wants.

"Ask whatever you want to, Murthy, and I'd answer everything!" He said as he got up from my lap and sat besides me, both our feet dipped in the pond. He put his hand over my shoulder, pulling me close, just like a side hug.

His over coat was covering our front bodies, just like a blanket and he snuggled into me more and more like a kid. Sometimes I want to forget everything that happened and just start new with him.

"My only question is why Manik, why me? Why did you do this to me?" I asked, vulnerable.

"Do what? I didn't do anything to you!" He laughed dryly and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Okay! Okay! I'd begin from the beginning!" He said and I clutched my hands tightly. There was something in his eyes, something in our talks that told me this isn't going to end well.

"It will either mark our end, or our beginning", he said with hard eyes and a cold tone that sent shivers down my spine.

"Okay, so on your birthday, when you were at the office, and Mukti was teasing you with me, I caught you blushing, and that's when I got to know that you have feelings for me...", his voice fades. WHAT? He knew since then?

"So, when Fab4 arranged that surprise for you, I wasn't going to come. But then I saw you and you looked irresistible, I couldn't stop myself from coming and wishing you. But on our way back, my mom called and I lost it and I don't know how I ended up telling you about my past, and right there, I felt some connection with you, something I have never felt, not even with Soha!"

"So, I asked you out for Aryamman's party. But Aryamman is the guy, my friend, who Soha two timed me with. Yes, it wasn't his mistake, but then since that incident I have become insecure that I might lose anyone else to Aryamman too. And then, seeing you with him made me mad, I thought you'd cheat over me too, so I hurt you intentionally but it lead to your accident"

"And I became mad. For one day, you were unconscious and I did nothing, I just sat by you, looking at you sleeping fucking lifelessly. And that's when I realised, I was getting attached to you, I had started caring about you too. When you woke and you were with me for two days, I realised I was falling for you. The way you laughed, your innocence, everything"

I gripped my dress tighter. Manik Malhotra was falling for me?

Things would have been so different if he would have told this to me back then instead of playing those sick games! We would have been happy, probably in a relationship!

"Nandini!" He called out taking my hands in his. My eyes remained glued at our hands and I couldn't look up to meet his eyes, I just couldn't.

"Please promise me you wouldn't judge me after I tell you everything, please?" He begged and I weakly nodded.

"Those feelings were new to me. Once I had started falling for Soha and ended up broken. I thought you'd cheat on me too, I wanted to stop those feelings before they make me mad. I didn't know how to deal with them! They were knew to me, that jealousy, that liking. I used to get jealous seeing you and Aryamman together, and I always ended up kissing you."

"But one day, I met Soha at a hotel, where I had gone for my meeting. And she apologised to me, and we sort of sorted out some things, but I realised that she was here for something bigger, she was there for some reason. She had come back in my life for something and I couldn't let her evil plans succeed once again. So I was forced to tolerate her, but I realised you took everything wrong. And I don't know why, when it comes to you, I end up using my heart not my mind and I gave you that stupid promises!"

"And then I got to know that you're leaving for London and I was frustrated. But that very day in office, Soha tried to make a move on me. I wanted to let her do what she was trying to do, I wanted to act seduced, to know what she was up to, but I couldn't because of the promise I had given you. I rejected her and she felt insulted so to make it up to her, I had to make her my new P.A, and you started ignoring me, that fucking Aryamman called you baby. Everything built up together and I lashed on you!"

"But guilt, princess! I came back at night, woke up your neighbours, took the spare key from them and care to your house, and stared at you sleeping until I fell asleep. The next morning, I apologised to you, and it was just my misery that I couldn't tell you why I had to keep Soha because any plan could backfire. Maybe you told Aryamman and he was in the plan with Soha? That's when your phone rang a message from Aryamman and he said he's outside your house. Jealousy overtook me, and I opened the door to them without letting you know and I kissed you to show Aryamman that you're mine. Fucking mine!" Manik screamed.

I was left open mouth. I have known the story from my side, not from his and knowing his side of the story wasn't easy. It was like moulting the reality I knew to accept his!

"But you took the wrong move, you punched me. This over took my ego and I threatened to destroy you. I hadn't ever met any girl who challenged me, my ego, and you did that! I couldn't decipher what to do and I left from your house" I gripped his jacket. Everything was fine till here, but I knew there were secrets in the three days that I had locked myself in my house.

"Angry at you and me, when I went home, I fucked Soha. Yes, I did. I remembered your promise, I remembered everything, but that inflated ego and anger brought out the monster in me, the monster that doesn't listen to anyone, the monster that destroyed us...", his voice faded. I shut my mouth tightly and my eyes filled with tears.

"It will either mark our end, or our beginning"

"But I realised my mistake, and I came to your house! I promise I had come, I wanted to tell you the truth and apologise. Aur mein aaya bhi thaa But I couldn't meet you aur mein tumhare ghar ke seedi par hi so gaya.....", his voice faded. His eyes were bloodshot red and filled with tears just like mine.

"But the next morning, it was Soha who came to meet me! Our night, mine and hers, she had recorded it completely. She had fixed cameras in my room and she made it look the way that I had forced her. But I had not, Nandini...... I was just lost, and I had just given into her, that is it, but......", his voice faded and I kept a hand on his.

"She threatened me that if I don't want her to get that out, I will have to give her my Instagram handle and to leave you, and I desperately agreed. You weren't there since two days, you weren't answering me, I didn't know what to do. If I would have refused her, mere saath the entire Fab5 ka career would have ended. I was not so selfish Nandini, I couldn't do that to my friends. So I agreed to her demand. But.. I.. didn't know that she'd upload our video... I didn't...", he cried and I cried too.

"Just as this video got out, it went on a viral, and I got to Soha, to destroy her. But she spiked my drink and I was high, and then Aryamman came to defend you, she filled my brain saying it was he who loved you and would take you away from me. The monster took over me once again, and meine Aryamman ko jhuth sunna diya, because I thought he loved you and by telling him that you and I had sex, I would hurt him the same way when I got to know that Aryamman and Soha...... But, I didn't know you wouldn't be there too! That you would hear everything! It was a full trap by Soha, and I fell into it miserably....", he face palmed himself as he broke down in front of me.

I was crying too, I couldn't take it anymore.

"I just wanted to protect you, and I lost you instead! Mein... I felt like a loser, when you were termed as a slut on national religions and I couldn't do anything. Yes, I am a monster, but not a monster who can play with a girls self respect. It was Soha who did this, and I destroyed her. I killed her with my own hands Nandini, for all the pain she gave you! But it wasn't of any help, since you had already left!"

"You could have for once spoken to me, for once waited for an explanation, for once you could have waited for a day more but you decided to leave, leave me, leave us. You forgot that I can't sleep without you, you forgot that I get nightmares and only you can calm me! Haa, meine galtiya ki hai! But kya jo tumne kiya sahi hai? You promised to heal me, and just as I showed you the darkness of my world, you ran away like a coward?" He shouted.

I nodded my head negatively vigorously trying to wipe away my tears which refused to stop. Was I wrong?

I felt to bad to judge myself in this situation. Was I wrong or was I right?

"I hate you, yes Nandini, I hate you because you did what you promised to never do, you turned out to be what you exactly what your promised to never be! Yes, I was the monster, I did mistakes! But you weren't innocent too! You could have waited for once Nandini, for once looked at how vulnerable I would be without you! Everytime I try to move on with another girl, your promise comes into my mind. I have started hallucinating you Nandini, from dreams do nightmares everywhere! You say I destroyed you, but you destroyed me equally Nandini! I hate you, I hate.....", I didn't let him complete more, I hugged him tightly and so did he.

He needed this, and so did me. I cried in his arms and I let him cry in mine.

Was I wrong or was I right? I don't know if I'm guilty or innocent but I know that he's suffered just as much as me!

"I'm sorry Manik, I'm sorry!" I whispered crying more in his arms.

"it's still your call Nandini!" He said coldly wiping his tears.

I looked at him confused as I broke the hug.

"This marks our end, or another beginning?" He asked and I stood rooted to the ground.

I didn't know the answer to this question. All I knew was that I love him.

And he loves me too.

"our end", I said with a heavy heart as I got up and left.

I didn't have the power to face him anymore and neither did he.

~I'm caught. Caught between wanting to let you go, and holding on to what we could be~

~•~