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Nic had classes until three the next day, but by that point Sav had texted Leo. Silently, he was dreading his drawing studio course that would come the following day, but for now... he just had to deal with this flimsy plan they had going. They barely had half of it together and it was already in motion. They hardly even had the staring roll—okay, so maybe they didn't have the staring roll at all.

Which was why Nic was meeting Milo at Starbucks and treating him to a coffee where they could talk to Kieran from over the espresso machine.

"So your roommate, who is... also an RA..." Milo started, and Nic nodded along with him. Kieran glimpsed over at them as he rinsed out a cup in the nearby sink. "... Doesn't think Sav is valid and to validate her in his eyes... you want me—me—to stalk her."

"It sounds like a shit plan but I think it might work," Kieran said, though scowled as he looked at Nic, "Though I still think we should have kidnapped Leo."

"As if that would blow over well," he scoffed.

"As if stalking someone will blow over well?" Milo laughed nervously. "I may have been in theatre in high school, but I'm not even sure my acting skills are up for any Oscars when it comes to playing the part of a stalker. Look, I'm sure Sav is a nice girl and all, but I really think if you just talked to your roommate—"

"Been there done that. It's like getting in an argument with your Republican parents about liberal ideals," Nic confessed with a sigh. "But this isn't nearly as dramatic, trust me. Leo means well. He's just... stubborn. I guess."

"But stalking? Seriously?" Milo complained, looking uncomfortable. "I don't want to have sexual assault charges on my record, man."

"Dude, Sav knows the plan and she knows you're a nice guy. She won't press charges on you, God. That's why we're discussing the plan first," Nic explained rapidly. "And we're still figuring out the details, but hopefully Leo will see that Sav is uncomfortable about shit like that, and boom! we're golden."

"'Figuring out the details' is an understatement," he whined, scratching the back of his head. He hissed out his breath through his teeth. "And I mean, anyone would be uncomfortable being stalked, not just Sav. You'd have to have it, like... more personal, you know? Like, an accidental date scenario."

"Accidental date? With Leo? That would be a disaster. And he has a girlfriend," Kieran commented as he snuck over to them again to slide a drink onto the counter. After he called the name of the customer, he turned to them and said, "But if you had an accidental double-date scenario...?"

Nic considered the idea. He glanced momentarily at Milo, who shrugged and murmured, "I dunno. Seems like a more positive option depending on which way this is gonna go." Kieran agreed with him, and recommended they stop loitering around before his boss came to kick his ass. Nic fist-bumped him from across the counter before walking off with Milo towards the exit.

Nic was almost certain that this was a task set for someone other than him. Who was he to know what was best for Sav? And since she seemed more or less indifferent about "winning back" Leo, it was just him and Kieran and Milo against the ignorant. Well, at least she agreed to trying, so it wasn't like they were forcing her to re-befriend Leo against her will. In all honesty, Nic was starting to become furious with not just her, but Leo as well. Lately he hardly felt like holding up a decent conversation with his own roommate. Half the time Nic ended up too exhausted to finish what they were talking about, and just collapsed onto the couch in a blanket burrito because the heating still refused to work, and the cold shriveled up any motivation he had left.

When Nic and Milo parted ways—under the condition that when Kieran and Nic figured out what the hell was going on, they'd contact Milo—Nic wandered back to Kingsley feeling gross and angry and annoyed. He needed a shower. He wanted to smell like fresh lavender and Ocean Spay shampoo.

So the second he waltzed through the door to his dorm, he kicked off his shoes, tossed his portfolio bag and backpack onto the futon, and yanked his shirt off over his head. Leo wasn't around—probably hanging out with Olivia, Nic bitterly fumed—so he went ahead and stripped down to his boxers before rifling around in his desk for the speaker he often used in the bathrooms.

Somehow he was still jittery about Kieran. He just saw The Guy in a normal, every-day setting. It was a miracle Nic hadn't thought about the day before for even a second while he and Milo talked to Kieran. Nic paused just before entering the bathroom, thinking, Yeah, no, don't think about that right now.

The bathrooms were empty, and the crappy showers were cleaner than usual—they were probably just washed before Nic got there, so the residents didn't have time to trash the place. He flicked on the light to the shower stall before turning on his music, setting the speaker over his head onto the stall ledge alongside his phone. The music echoed off the muddy brown, tiled walls, and Nic's voice eventually synchronized with it. The acoustics in the men's bathroom were always the greatest, in Nic's opinion, which just meant he had all the more reason to sing to his heart's content.

He remembered the day he and Kieran studied together—well, Kieran studied while Nic just provided the back massage. It was ridiculous because there was music playing from Nic's list, which eventually drifted into the recommended stations—mostly Mexican music that only he knew the lyrics to. It wasn't that he was fluent or anything, but after listening to the same songs over and over again with his family, it was easy to just... belt it out, or improvise along the way.

He remembered how startled Kieran had been—and then he just laughed so hard tears dampened the corners of his eyes while Nic sang dramatically to him, completely distracting Kieran from his homework.

And then Kieran was naked in the middle of the fucking studio.

Shit.

***

How was it possible to feel this guilty?

Nic's brain was tormenting again. And here he thought his sleep schedule was back to normal—hell no. Not anymore. He barely slept more than two hours that night, fretting over the fact that he'd see Kieran again that day during studio class. Fretting over the fact that Kieran was this perfect, untainted, pure being with an absurd level of sass and sarcasm. Fretting over the fact that Nic just... wasn't that.

He worried about this before, before they even started officially dating. He worried about how he just... wasn't cut out for a relationship void of the affection he was used to, but everything seemed fine! He didn't mind it as much as he thought he would. Being with Kieran was fun and exciting, and who knew what they were going to do next. That sort of spontaneity was addictive.

I don't deserve him, he thought, pressing his palms to his eyes before dropping them with a sigh. He stared at the ceiling, and the street lights that glowed faintly where the curtain wasn't completely closed.

It was shitty of him to hope that every night he went to the Co-Op, he expected Kieran to ask him if he wanted to stay over. He hadn't realized it, but that was exactly what he was hoping. It pinched his chest and twisted every time it didn't happen, and now he sat there, stupidly wondering what the problem was. The episode in the shower told him exactly what his issue was.

The voice in his head sounded like Leo, and it said, "Why would you want to date someone who refuses to show that they love you too?"

***

Nic barely showed up to his drawing studio. Barely. He almost didn't even walk into the building, and he wouldn't have, had some of the students in his class not waltzed in, greeted him, and started talking to him like it was any other day walking up those flights of stairs to the studio. It must have been obvious that he hadn't slept much, because one of the first things they said was, "Wow, you look awful. You want some of my coffee?"

"Um, yeah, actually. I could use it if you don't mind," he confessed, pushing his palm to one of his eyes as he accepted the mug with his other hand. He took a long sip and was about to hand it back with the girl shook her head and insisted he hang on to it. "You sure?"

"Yeah, it's fine. I drink too much coffee as it is," she confessed with a gentle smile as they wandered through the door of the studio together and took their usual seats. Nic pretty much chugged the coffee in hopes of staying alive for the day. He just needed to survive three hours of bliss drawing Kieran and then he'd just have to... try desperately to scrape it from the walls of his mind where he probably Sharpied it permanently. Yeah. He could do it.

That day was honestly... easier than the first because he was expecting it. It didn't change the fact that he almost fell asleep during the break period in between the two forty-five minute drawings. Even if it was fun, getting to draw his boyfriend for three whole hours, it definitely didn't change the fact that something was stuck in the back of Nic's throat the whole time as he shaded in the velvet curves of fabric draped over the cushions of the lounging chair Kieran sat on, on the edge of the spotlight. It was all deep tones of red and creamy white. Black.

His professor had some of the spotlights turned off, creating a semi-backlit scene consisting of Kieran's hair being enveloped in a halo where the stray strands fell away from the rest. His cheekbone highlighted, his brow, his eyes on the ceiling. He was completely motionless and pale like a corpse. Nic could see the gentle rise and fall of his chest, though, when he focused enough on it. Kieran's torso was mostly washed over in soft highlights, across his hips and legs that lay partially off the couch.

When the timer went off, and they heard the class collectively set their pencils down, Kieran moved and stepped off the platform to fetch his robe. Nic busied himself with putting away his supplies and shit while his professor flicked on the lights.

"Next class we'll be doing two hour-and-a-half, full color pencil drawings. I recommend—if you haven't already—purchasing the Prismacolor seventy-nine set at the bookstore. I admit, they're expensive, so if you'd like, you can split the cost between two people and share a set. No more than two, though," she told them all, and Nic found himself agreeing to split a set with the girl next to him.

Before leaving, Nic gave her half his share so she could buy the pencils. He returned the mug to the girl who offered it to him. Or, at least, he must have done both of those things because he couldn't really remember. He blanked on everything up until the point where he found Kieran next to the bubbler, a self-satisfied grin on his face.

"You look like shit," he commented, pushing off the wall to meet Nic. "Tired?"

"Uh, yeah. Exhausted," he confessed, rubbing a hand down the side of his face.

He hadn't realized he was looking around in a panic until Kieran pointed it out. "You seriously look paranoid right now. What's the problem?" he asked, stuffing his hands in his pockets. When Nic finally managed to look at Kieran again, he was scowling at Nic. It was irrational of him to think, Oh shit, he knows, but his brain thought it anyway and sent him into a panic. The lump in his throat only seemed to get bigger.

"Can we... Um, c-can we talk?" Nic stammered out, feeling lightheaded as he said it. Wow, that was definitely one way to sound like he was in pain.

He couldn't quite look at Kieran, so he wasn't able to gauge what his reaction was aside from a simple, "Yeah, sure. Let's go out back."

They barely made it out of the distant stairwell before Nic broke down in tears. It just made him feel worse because he really shouldn't be acting like that. He was being ridiculous. This was stupid. Why was he fucking crying about something so irrelevant? Rationally he knew it was his lack of sleep causing him to implode, but he couldn't even explain that for another five minutes after they got outside and Kieran put his arms around Nic the entire time.

They hugged until Nic finally managed to say, "S-Sorry. Sometimes when I don't sleep I get emotional."

"Well no shit," Kieran sighed against his shoulder. "What happened? What's wrong?"

Nic exhaled shakily, pulling himself away from Kieran to clear up the tears freezing on his cheeks. His nose felt numb and gross. "R-Remember when you and Bev tested me that night we ate banana bread and stuff?" he asked, and Kieran nodded, folding his arms over his chest with his scarf pushed up over his mouth. "And I totally w-would have stayed the night if I was more prepared for it. A-And I still think... I would? You know?"

Kieran shook his head, brow tense now.

"I just feel really guilty because I don't think I'm c-cut out for a relationship with you. Y-You're, like, so perfect. So perfect. And I feel disgusted by some of the things I think and how I sometimes f-feel about you because I-I'm not a virgin like you—"

"Wait, you think I'm a virgin? Is that the problem?" Kieran said.

"No, that's not what I meant and—Wait, you're not?" he blurted out before he could stop himself. He slapped his hand over his mouth. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that. That's super personal."

It was so fucking cold out that the tears that collected on Nic's eyelashes were starting to freeze over. And it was a surprise that Nic was ever able to look Kieran in the eye long enough to see how glassy they were, too. Kieran looked away, fidgeting on his feet before he shrugged. "Yeah. I've had sex before and I don't like it," he said bluntly. "So if that's the problem—"

"No, it isn't. I don't—I'm not worried about that," Nic insisted. "I'm just afraid that... I'll take advantage of you and not realize it. And I love how things are, but I-I dunno. I feel like I can't touch you without feeling like I'm tainting you. I just... sometimes I wish I could kiss you and I miss cuddling with people and Leo doesn't really appreciate it most days. He d-doesn't understand platonic cuddling so well."

"As one does."

Nic found himself laughing despite himself. He started tearing up again, and held his hands over his face. "I-I'm sorry—I keep c-crying—"

"Dude it's fine. You seriously need to sleep," Kieran laughed, and his hands fell over Nic's wrists to pull them away from his face. Nic nodded weakly, aware that when he cried he often smiled because he couldn't help it. So he smiled painfully and let Kieran brush away his tears with his fingerless gloves. "And I'm serious. I'd be down for some platonic cuddling if you wanted to come by the Co-Op now."

"R-Really?"

Kieran laughed. "Yeah, you idiot."

So they went back to the Co-Op, during which time Nic managed to calm down enough to recognize the weight lifting from his chest. There was no longer someone pinching a valve of his heart closed, or tightening his throat. Even if he still felt like he didn't deserve Kieran, he tried to make his sleep-deprived brain think otherwise as they walked past all the signs out front. Kieran pushed the door open and dramatically greeted the people in the living room as he led the way to his hallway. Nic rested his portfolio bag against the wall behind the door in Kieran's room, and instantly felt out of place. Like he wasn't allowed in here.

But then Kieran kicked off his shoes, tossed his bag, and collapsed onto the bed. "You know I feel so clean. 'Cause ya can't just waltz into a nude modeling gig without taking an hour-long shower I swear to God," he said with a groan, rolling over and pushing himself up so he could slouch against the headrest after retrieving his laptop from the floor. "What're you doing over there for? Get over here."

Nic lazily pushed off his shoes and jacket, and unraveled his scarf before crawling onto the red comforter. Kieran pulled back the blankets for him, closest to the wall where there was a body pillow cushioning his back. Nic sniffed as he crawled under the blankets and gingerly leant over Kieran to press his head to Kieran's raised chest. Kieran's arm went around his shoulders, so he wrapped his own arms over Kieran's torso and avoided the laptop he had resting on his lap.

Nic was out cold in a matter of seconds after closing his eyes.

***

He was entirely, wholly, disoriented when he woke up again.

His cheeks still felt tight from crying earlier that day, but that was at... three in the afternoon. It was dark in the room now so he couldn't really see much aside from Kieran's laptop lying open off to the side, still on and facing them. It was just Tumblr, and it illuminated the comforter that Nic associated with Kieran's room. He was lying in Kieran's bed.

After a moment, he stretched his legs out and found them tangled with Kieran's. He pressed his head against Kieran's chest before looking up and seeing that his boyfriend was still asleep. His arm was lazily dropped to the side, and he was partially folded over the pillows when he slouched.

Nic reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. It was nearly eight—which meant... he missed the chance to eat in the dining hall, and had twenty missed calls from Sav. He listened to the voicemail that shouted, "I missed my usual dinner time because of you! I didn't want to sit with the enemy. Prepare to get your ass kicked when you call me back."

"That Sav?" Kieran asked with a yawn, pushing himself up. "Were you just talking to her?"

"No, she just called me. Voicemail," Nic said, voice unintentionally hoarse. He cleared his throat as he folded his legs, the comforter pushing back. "I missed dinner."

"Shit, sorry. We have an excellent supply of wholewheat bread and chunky peanut butter, plus Bev's mom makes the best strawberry jam," he said, and Nic laughed a little, and spared a glance over at Kieran. He was studying Nic, and reached out to pull Nic by the hand. "Do you feel better though? After taking a... five hour nap?"

Nic nodded, grinning wider at how ridiculous that was. If college taught him one thing, it was the necessity for naps every now and then.

They wandered out of the room and into the cold of the remainder of the house. Kieran held onto his hand on the way to the kitchen until he had to get the supplies out for sandwiches. Nic went to the fridge and pulled out the mason jar of jam. There was a plate labeled "EVERYONE" which Kieran pulled out and checked. He scooped the tuna salad onto two plates and put the rest in the fridge.

When they returned to the comfort of Kieran's room, Kieran hesitated to eat as they sat side-by-side against the headrest. "What is it?" Nic asked.

"I was scared you were gonna break up with me today," he confessed, eyes on his desk across the room.

"Same here," Nic admitted, which drew Kieran's eyes over to him. "But I thought you were gonna be the one to break up with me. 'Cause I'm a hormonal ass."

"You aren't," he insisted, and Nic just gave him a dull look before going back to eating. "It's normal. Just... tell me if I'm doing something wrong because this isn't just about me. It's about you, too. Neither of us are the center of anything."

"That's kind of cynical."

"But it's true because relationships aren't the center of the universe, you know. There's bigger things to worry about than whether or not I fuck people, or care about cuddling and shit," he explained, and started eating. After a moment of listening to the music from his laptop, he said, "Guess that's a pretty good description of me. Indifferent to a lot of things."

"You make it sound like you're not passionate about anything. You like plants, though, right? Otherwise you wouldn't be majoring in environmental science."

"I care about the planet, not the people on it. We're all parasites killing our host," he explained. "And it's stupid to think we can do anything to fix what we've done in the immediate future. It really... pisses me off sometimes."

"Understandably so. So you aren't indifferent about everything," Nic said. "And I know you care about Ellen and Bev. If you're worried that you're a psychopath or something..."

Kieran's scowl broke into a grin, and he looked at Nic, giggling, "I'm not a psychopath. I swear it."

"Then is it cool if I look under your bed or in your closet?" he asked jokingly. As they both fell into a fit of giggling, Nic continued to shout, "S-So maybe you being a nude model is your way of luring beautiful young women into traps and killing them!"

"It is not!"

"Is to! I'm your first victim, aren't I?"

Kieran shoved down his plate and dove across the bed to tackle Nic. Nic let out a high-pitched shriek and pulled his plate out of the way as Kieran shoved him in the face and clamored on top of him. They were both yelling by the time a knock sounded on the door, and a moment later it creaked open. Nic peered around Kieran's bum where it was blocking the view of Bev looking in, startled.

"Uh..." she started. "What the hell is going on? If I didn't know it was Kieran living here I would have suspected you two were having sex."

"Fuck off Bev," Kieran muttered, pushed Nic's face into the pillows again because he was laughing so hard, and then rolled off to snatch his plate. He grabbed the remainder of his sandwich and bit into it, mumbling around the bread, "Your sass is not appreciated at this time."

"It's always appreciated," Nic countered as he twisted around, arms throwing over his head with a groan.

"Aw, thanks Nic. Also, hi Nic!" she said, flashing him a wide grin before scowling at Kieran. "But seriously. Ellen's been complaining asking where you are. We knocked on the door before but you didn't answer."

"Then what made you barge in this time?" Kieran demanded.

"'Cause y'all were making a racket! C'mon, Ellen needs your help."

Kieran sighed, frowning down at his sandwich before devouring it in one bite. Bev laughed, eyebrows up to her hairline at this point. At last, he twisted around to look at Nic, who was still sprawled out across the pillows. "Sorry. Got shit to do, so I'm gonna ditch you," he said.

"That's fine. I should probably get back to Kingsley anyway," Nic confessed. He swung his legs off the bed and landed them softly on the creaky wood flooring. Bev left and closed the door behind her while Nic went ahead and tugged up his boots. Just as he finished shrugging on his coat, Kieran came over with the scarf and swept it around Nic's neck.

"In all honesty," Kieran started, folding his arms over his chest, "I'm glad we talk about shit. I mean—I haven't been in many relationships, but... I like to know what you're thinking."

Pink dusted over Nic's cheeks as he looked down at the ground, and busied himself with picking up his backpack. "Yeah, well... I like hearing how unbearably sassy you are in your head. Like—I can't believe you thought I was on a date that one time you barged into the sushi place."

Kieran's jaw dropped, and he promptly shoved Nic by the shoulders. "It was a valid assumption!" Nic giggled into his scarf, head ducked down so he didn't quite see Kieran come up to him until he had already pressed his lips to Nic's forehead. "You're a good guy, Nic. And if you ever think otherwise around me, know that... it's okay. 'Cause I'm not too great, either. We can fuck up together, all right?"

They stared at one another while Nic's brain imploded and he felt like his soul just transcended into space because how on Earth could someone like Kieran exist? All that came out of his mouth was a nervous squeak, which caused Kieran to laugh and flick Nic upside the head. "And if I ever make you uncomfortable, tell me. I... probably shouldn't have let my instructor sign me up for your class. So I'm sorry about that."

"What? Are you regretting modeling for my class?" Nic asked, startled. "You like it, don't you?"

"Well—Yeah, I do, but clearly I made you uncomfortable—"

"Don't worry about me! I love drawing you, you know that," he insisted, and was satisfied to see Kieran go red at the cheeks, averting his eyes as he tried his best to suppress his smile. "And if I thought your face was beautiful—Goddamn—"

"Nic, shut up," Kieran murmured, bumping his head onto Nic's shoulder. They both laughed at one another, and talked in quiet tones through the house as Kieran accompanied Nic to the front door. It was too cold now for Kieran to escort him off the steps, so Nic held out his fist when they reached the foyer. Kieran bumped it with his own, grinning as he promised, "I'll text you. Think about what we're gonna do this weekend."