Chapter Thirty: Research

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Ophelia:

After yesterday's shower I pretty much decided that I was ready for... well, this whole sex thing.

Oh my God, I still blush thinking about it. I don't know exactly what came over me but I was so curious and felt so hot and... The sensations that shot their way up my spine and overtook my entire body for the brief, forbidden seconds I felt his hardness glide against the sensitive skin between my legs were just impossible.

I want to feel like that again.

I try to imagine what it would be like, if he pushed himself into me, all the way. If he were really inside me, and we were together like that. Darn, now I'm blushing some more.

So while I'm mostly sure I want to, I'm just not as sure about the details. I mean, Luke seems so thick and big and I'm just wondering... well. How's he going to fit?

I've never even used tampons before. I use pads because they're just easier, I guess. I've never had anything... up there besides a couple of Luke's fingers. And, well, let's just say that I'm pretty sure his penis is a bit wider than his fingers.

Is it possible that he won't fit? How horrible would that be?

And I don't know how to put on condoms either, but I suppose I should just let him worry about that. My birth control is good to go, so the only other questions are, when and where.

Even though I know, realistically, that the very first time might be... anticlimactic, no pun intended, I still want it to be special, you know? I don't want to be rushed or worried about being caught, and I want us to be able to cuddle after, maybe fall asleep together.

So, I think I need to tell my mom. I've never... done anything really serious in my life without talking to her about it. And what could be more serious than having sex?

Except obviously that's gonna be an awkward conversation and I don't want her to be worried about me or anything like that. I'm kinda hoping, if she takes it okay, that I could... ask her, about some of this stuff. She did tell me that I shouldn't be afraid to talk to her about it. And I just... have so many questions about the actual mechanics of it?

I read so, so many things on the internet, some of which seemed helpful and some of which really, super didn't. A lot of sites recommended using lube. Do I need lube? Do we need to go buy some? It just seems so unsexy and unnatural and I want Luke and I to do it... naturally. Maybe that's stupid. I don't know.

Plus, I mean, I think I get pretty wet. Wet enough, I mean, for when he needs to...

Oh my gosh.

The more I think about it, the more the anticipation and excitement and nervousness starts to bubble and rise and tug low in my stomach and I...

Think it needs to happen.

So.

It's the Monday right after Luke and I had our sleepover. Today was our 4 month anniversary, actually. Which seems like, a lot of time but at the same time, like no time at all. 4 months ago was my sixteenth birthday and I feel like, well. A lot has certainly changed since then. It's just funny to think about, I suppose.

We didn't get the chance to hang-out to celebrate because I have work on Mondays from 5-9 at the library around the corner. But he sent me a sweet message this morning and we kinda celebrated with our sleepover, anyway.

When I'm all showered and dressed in my pyjamas, I peek into the hall to find that Mom's making her way to her room at the end of the corridor.

"Mom?"

She pauses, in sweats and a t-shirt and carrying a glass of water, turns to me and gives me one of her really sweet Mom smiles. "Hey, pumpkin. What's up?"

"Uh... do you have a minute?"

"Of course."

I plop onto my bed and crawl under the covers and she comes to sit next to me, setting her water on the side table. She pats my thigh and waits for me to say what I have to say except now I'm really nervous.

"Uh, can I talk to you about something... personal?" She nods, keeps a tolerant expression on her face. I make sure to add, "But I don't want you to freak out or anything."

"No freaking out," she promises, giving my leg a squeeze.

I take a deep, steadying breath and don't meet her eyes when I confess, "I've been... um. Luke and I were thinking about, erm..." My face is so red right now. I cover my cheeks with my palms, blushing. "This is so awkward."

"Take your time, baby." She smiles at me although I can tell from the way her eyebrows are set that she's curious. "Don't be shy, it's okay."

When I finally spill out a quick confession, it's hoarse and breathless. "We wanna have sex. I just wanna make sure I know all the important stuff before it happens, and I want it to be special and I just... have some questions and stuff."

I bite my lip and stare at the deep purple fabric of my duvet-cover. For a second, there's just silence before Mom eventually says, "That's definitely... a big decision," she agrees softly. "But it's your decision and I'm really glad you came to me before so we can... talk about it."

"It's really embarrassing to talk about."

"I know, pumpkin. But make sure you ask me whatever you wanna ask so I know you're going to be safe and... happy, okay?"

I nod, feeling relieved that she's being cool about it, for now at least. I bet she probably thinks I'm too young. Even though I think Darcy was like, fifteen.

"Ophelia, are you... sure? Really sure that's what you want? Because obviously it's... a really serious decision."

"I'm sure, Mom," I assure her quietly. "I just... wanna make sure I... uh... know what to do?"

I think she's trying to hide a small smile. "Well, I'm sure you understand the basics. And, Luke should be able to... uh... talk you through the rest of it?"

I giggle because she thinks... "Uh, no, Mom, he's definitely never... done anything like that before either." Blushing, I feel the need to explain, so she knows, "He never... made it past first base with anyone except me."

"Oh." A chuckle. "I don't know why I assumed otherwise." She winks at me. "Just because Uncle Dylan and Aunt Vic are so... well. I assumed wrong. So, if he's never done it either..."

"I know it's probably gonna be... not so great the first couple times. I'm keeping my expectations low, I guess. But, I still..." I sigh, a little frustrated. "I don't know exactly what I'm asking. I just wanna know if there's anything I can do to... make it better?"

She pauses for a few moments and seems to be thinking seriously about it before she says, "Well. The most important thing is that you guys... communicate really openly the entire time and tell each other how you're feeling and about what... needs to be different, or what's good. Does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"And don't be afraid to... take it slow? As slow as you need." Her eyebrows are furrowed and I can tell she's about as uncomfortable with this conversation as I am, but she's trying her best. "And... make sure you're completely ready. You know... what I mean by that, right?"

I stifle a giggle in the palm of my hand. She means make sure I'm wet enough. I definitely know all about that by now. "Yeah, I get it."

Which brings me to my question about lube but... I don't wanna ask my mother about that. Maybe I could bug Sienna except then, the entire world will find out that I'm having sex because she isn't exactly discreet.

You know what? Here goes nothing. "Um. On the internet I read about... You know. Lube? Do you think I need that?"

Oh, now Mom's blushing too. Talk about awkward. "Um, really it's up to you, Fee. If you think you'd benefit from some extra... help."

"Okay." Maybe... I'll try it without it and then after I can decide if I need it.

More heavy silence before she asks, "Any other questions?"

I chew on my bottom lip before saying, "Next week is spring break. Could we... have a sleepover? So we don't have to rush or anything?"

Her lips tilt up at the corners into an understanding smile. "Sure. Let me know when you decide."

"Thanks, Mom," I breathe softly, wrapping my arms around myself.

I'm still wondering about the whole will-he-fit thing but she said take it slow and make sure I'm wet enough so maybe that's the main thing.

"It might... take some time, Ophelia, before it starts to... feel good, okay? Don't be discouraged if the first few times aren't as magical as you were hoping for. You and Luke will just have to figure things out one step at a time and be patient with each other, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks Mom."

She gives my thigh one last gentle squeeze before picking up her water and standing up. As she's at the door she says, "Don't forget that it's okay to change your mind at anytime. And you can always come see me if you have more questions okay?"

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too, Ophelia." She gives me a dry, tired smile. "Now I... think I need a drink."

Oh, Mom.

She closes the door after her and I lie back on my bed, restless and jittery and nervous and excited.

Luke and I are... gonna have sex next week.

Holy shit.

***

Luke:

The internet is literally the worst.

How hard is it to get a straight answer about things?

I just want to know what I need to do to make it good for her. Especially because I'm lowkey worried that... uh... I might not fit.

Okay well, at least most sites agree that it's pretty rare not to fit. It just might take some... time and patience and maybe some extra lube.

Should I... buy some lube? I mean, she usually seems to get really wet. Like, really wet. Drives me insane for reasons I'm not completely sure about.

And, condoms? Well, I bought some a while back because my dad told me I should, just in case. I googled what the best ones were it gave me some type of Durex condoms that had these... additional features? I don't know. Something about extra lube that could help prevent premature ejaculation and some texture that would feel better for Fee so... yeah. We'll see how that goes.

When I had some time, I went into the bathroom and locked the door and practiced, uh, putting them on? I mostly forgot whatever they said in sex ed that time when they did that stupid demo with a banana so I had to YouTube a decent video. After a few tries I figured it out.

What I'm most worried about is... well. Lasting. You know. I have a feeling that she's going to be really, really, really tight and wet and hot and I'm not gonna even make it half-way in without blowing my load and ruining it for her.

I'm also worried I'm gonna hurt her. I really don't wanna hurt her, so that's why I spend a long time on the internet looking up tips for how to make it better for her. Pretty much I think I'm gonna have to make sure she comes at least once before, because she probably won't the first time. And I have to make sure she's really ready. And I'll have to take it as slow as she needs, which might be difficult for me but I'll have to try.

Also, I'm pretty sure that if I asked Dad he'd have like, a hundred and one other pieces of advice but I'm not really in the mood for that awkward conversation right now, so, maybe later in the week.

Mom said okay to a sleepover

When do you... want to do it?

Maybe... Saturday night?
Then we have the whole week to
you know, practice?

K. Let me know if you change
your mind. It's ok, I promise

I'm... excited.
Nervous but excited.

Same.
Do you wanna go for dinner before?
Or take-out or something?

Both sound good to me.
Whatever you want

We'll see what we feel like closer to
Saturday, maybe

Kk. See u soon
gtg, love you

Love you too, see you

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A/N:

First-time predictions?

First-time advice?

XOXO Ami

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