Another chapter coming up within hours. Still editing.

Chapter 39

Wei Li Lian
Imperial Concubine Wei
Hougong

When Li Lian opened her eyes the following day, she knew the day was not going to be a great one. For the first time, she felt like being a coward. It was like a horse stomped over her, it sucked her soul out of her body. Thinking of doing anything felt like she needed double the effort.

She scrutinized her chamber that had brown and turquoise undertones. Then her stare became more blank as thoughts bombarded her brain.

It was on this day she wished she could stay in bed all day, not have to face the battles of life, to strategize, to lie and to be trapped. Emotions were tugging on her heart.

Why couldn't she be loved? Why wasn't she lovable? Even Mistress Ki did not want her. Nameless left her. At the first mistake she made, Yuwen Hong easily looked for the next person.

Maybe Luo Meng was the most honest person in her life, he didn't like her and he was not afraid to express it.

Luo Meng could not see people. Could it be the reason why he did not like her? Her beauty was what made people ignore her actions and look the other side? Is this why no one dared to oppose her? Then that meant that she was really nothing but vain, saved by her beauty.

Li Lian went to the officiation of her title. It was all a haze because she felt numb, her misgivings bothering her. After the ceremony, they were to go to her tea party to celebrate her.

She had attended another before. The person officiated would serve the elders tea as it is an honor for her to do an act of showing off filial duty. She would then sit in front of the table, with the emperor, which was also considered an honor. Gifts were given to the person by the elders, even the emperor normally came with something and so many other things happened.

It was all grand from the outside, but down the table the other women mocked, joked and made fun of the person. They talked of petty things, like how the person did not look good with the emperor, how her family was poor and all other downgrading things.

Li Lian went to her chambers after the ceremony to prepare for the tea party because they were given half an hour to redo their face wear and anything like using the toilet. However, Li Lian knew one thing for sure, she was not coming out.

Getting into her chambers, she took off all of her official clothes and threw them on the floor, leaving herself in her under clothes―the sleeveless cover of her breasts and silk trousers. After closing all the windows to have the room dark, she pushed her blankets aside and covered herself completely.

Not able to hold it any longer, silent tears grazed her face and she started heaving. People say they don't care when others gossip, say mean things and talk about them behind their back, but at some point it gets too much. It becomes psychological abuse that you yourself cannot handle. It was toxic, unbearable and inundating.

"My Lady?" Ai's small voice roused her. "Are you all right?"

Li Lian cleared her throat. "I am just not feeling well. Tell them I couldn't make it. Refuse all visitors for me, for I will see no one."

"Yes, My Lady. Do you need anything?"

"Just leave me." Let's see who they will gossip about now.

Li Lian was strong, she always had to be. She did not allow herself to be weak, yet on this day it felt impossible. All sorts of things had piled up that she felt suffocated, alone and lonely in this big wide world. For this one day, she didn't want to force herself to be fearless and strong. She wanted to just be.

So she cried, she slept, she woke up and she slept again. At least now she felt a little bit strong to have her head outside of the blankets, and soon she would be strong to face the world again.

She was in a hazy sleep in which she was half asleep, half awake, when she felt a hand snake around her waist. Li Lian froze at the intrusion, ready to kick the person hard when she felt soft kisses on her bare stomach, a hand enveloping hers.

The kisses trailed up her stomach, her  chest, until a head popped from beneath the blankets.

"Good morning, beautiful." Yuwen Hong gave her the widest grin, seeming happy like he just saw something incredible.

"Greetings, Your Ma―"

"Wrong." His finger stopped her, lying on her lips. "Yuwen Hong. It is just you and me now. We are equals."

Li Lian sighed which had him frown. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "Nothing."

He pretended to believe her by smiling as acceptance of her answer.

"I like this nightwear you have going on." His hand rubbed her bare stomach, then his fingers tickled her a bit, forcing her to laugh.

"That's it, that smile. I was looking for that gorgeous smile." He looked like he just won a battle.

She blushed.

"And the blushing."

She rolled her eyes.

His face took swift seriousness, she didn't see coming. "Who had you sad? Say the word and it is solved."

Li Lian rubbed her forehead and exhaled. It's not about that... It's... It's..." Tears submerged her eyes and she hated that. "You know what? I need to be left alone. Go do something, you are always busy."

"I'm not today."

"Then I don't know. Go to Noble Consort Qi."

He appeared to be taken back. "Why would I want to do that?"

Because I saw you yesterday with her, looking so happy.

"Yuwen Hong, I don't feel like talking, can't I be left alone?"

He grinned, his hand sliding underneath her breast cover and swiping her nipple. "That's a good idea too, I don't feel like talking too, we could just do other things."

When going through internal reflections, the worst person to have was Yuwen Hong right by your side.

She squealed and laughed when he pinched her nipple. "Yuwen Hong!"

"Look at that. You are so responsive. I take it our lady is ready to start playing dirty." He winked.

"All right," she laughed. "All right. I will talk." She gave in.

He nodded, ready to listen.

She sighed. How was she to say this? "I just feel unlovable and self resentment."

"All right. And what do you think is the root of this?"

The biggest rule ever. Don't mention names in front of Yuwen Hong.

He was a practical person. If you slid the blame on someone, for him the answer is simple. The person who is blamed is then the cause of the problem. Therefore, kill them and have them disappear, thus the problem was solved. Which was far from the truth. Healing came from within, things that you let go and solved. Not killing or hurting people.

"Many people left me since I was young. I think I have abandonment issues. I feel like I am not enough to make someone stay or hold on to me."

He was surprisingly quite supportive and listened. He focused completely on her as she went on to tell him about her mother leaving her as a child, meeting Nameless and Mistress Ki. All the way, he was with her on it. Of course, she covered up things.

"So that is why you think you can not be loved?"

"Sadly yes."

"And you think someone loving you could solve this?"

"I don't know. Yes, maybe."

"Then what if I said... What if I said I loved you?"

"What?" It was like someone just poured water on her to wake her. She hyperventilated.

Love? Love who?

"I'm giving an example. Slow down."

She laughed to brush it off but she did notice the little disappointment inside.

"So what if?" he asked again.

"I don't know. I would be happy?"

He shook his head. "No, you would be happy for just the first hour but overtime you still would not believe me."

"What do you mean?" She would be happy forever.

"Before someone confesses, you have to love yourself, and believe that you are worth loving. How do you expect 'you' to accept my words or someone else's when you don't believe that you are worth it?"

He kissed her forehead. "If your truth does not match my truth, then my truth becomes a lie." Who knew that man was wise? "Meaning if you don't believe you are lovable, then any person saying otherwise would be a liar."

"You are beautiful, strong, alluring, intelligent, lovable, worth it important..." He went on to whisper these amazing things that had her cry.

No one had ever said such things to her.What did she do to deserve him?

S.V