With you in my life I felt like I could conquer anything.
If was as I was on top of the world and even the stars themselves were just within my grasp.

But without you...
Even getting through the day is hard.

Jahan

I lowered my head, not able to look Zaryaab in the eye. I was ashamed and how could I not be. I was the man who married his sister. The man who promised the world for his sister. The man who held his sister's hand and treasured her heart. And now how could I look him in the eye when everyone was discussing about another woman's name with mine.

I was ashamed.

Looking down, I walked past him and up the stairs. Ignoring all the voices that rang through the once silent haveli. Keeping the messenger bag in my room, I shrugged off the blue jacket and walked outside on the terrace. Sitting on the swing, I let myself sulk.

Ronaq, I am so helpless without you. What have you done to me. I am nothing without you.

Zaryaab sat next to me making me slid a little to give him enough space on settle on. We watched the same sky together with different perspective. And let the silence roll in till it couldn't be held inside and pursed out into bubble of thousands.

" You've done nothing wrong!"

" I would do no such thing to my Ronaq." I told Zaryaab.

" I wish that I could say the same for my sister. But you know what? She's gone and your not! And I won't spend the rest of my life seeing you mourn for her. Would it not be selfish of me, I found my happiness. I got married. I am happy now. At least I've found someone that I can share my pain with. I could-"

The clouds were solitary. Like me. Without her.

" I cannot give her place to someone else, Zaryaab!"

I hissed through clenched teeth.

" You don't have to give her place to someone else Jahan. You have to make a new place for someone else. It should hurt me, Ronaq was my sister. But she'd be happy if I at least find you happiness again. Live goes on Jahan. We don't stop there and if we do, we get pushed down. Think about it. Think of a better life than this. You still deserve to be happy. Remarrying isn't a punishment for the loved ones. It wouldn't make you love Ronaq any less. You've loved Ronaq more than any one else could. Give that chance to someone else now. Let someone else love you more than you've ever been loved before."

" I don't understand. I am not ready. Is this all very necessary?" I had questions. Lots of questions that compressed my chest cavity and snatched my breaths. And when I turned to him, I could see the mist that clouded his green eyes.

" You just have to take the first step, Jahan. Everything will fall back to it's place."

He stood up to go.

And I watched until the blue sky dissolved into dark.

•

I hadn't opened her diary in a while now. A while that had turned into twenty four months. My hands had shivered the last time I turned the page and read the title in her beautiful handwriting.

We are going to be parents.

That's what the title read. And I had closed the diary and stuffed it into the very back of my wardrobe. Hiding it behind the close like a deathly secret. If only I had been smart in her life, and read her diary then. Read what she wrote every night before sleeping in my arms peacefully. I had seen the filled pages after the title and my weak self hadn't allowed be to read any further.

Today, just tonight something was pulling it to me again. I wanted to reach out and hold her today. The closest thing for her after me was her diary. And with a thudding heart, I opened the wardrobe and dug in between my clothes. The black carved surface scarped my fingers and I stiffened for a moment before pulling the diary out. I kept it on top of my writing table and examined it like a scientist would do to a chemical in lab.

Opening the first page, I ran my hand over her handwriting. Beautiful. It brought back her scent, nostalgia. And I sniffed like an addict. I had read half of her diary, book marked it till destruction. Turning the pages softly and carefully, I halted as tears easily streamed down my eyes. Reminiscing the memories she had jotted down like a fairy tale. We are going to be parents. The title appeared again. And holding myself up, I turned the page being awestruck of what awaited me.

She had pasted a picture on the page after the title where a small baby lay in bed with his back to the camera. A white outfit sporting his very small figure with a big red heart on the midsection.

You make me such a better version, Jahan. And this time, you've completely changed me by completing me. Every married woman thinks of being a mother and that joy I had only heard about until now. Until I now know that I have a life breathing inside of me. Growing inside of me with each passing day. And it's a combination of you and me and our love. I know you'd be excited more than me. You've always liked kids. And now. Uff I cannot believe it as well. But I want to imagine a lot. I can already imagine a small Jahan or a little Ronaq playing in our lap. Crying in the middle of nights and waking you up. And you holding our baby, taking care of it so that I could sleep for a little more until dawn knocks on our doors. And at that time when I'd wake up, I promise. I promise Jahan ( don't laugh, Mr Husband) I promise to make you breakfast instead of you making it for me. Hm and I'll just pack some lunch for you, that seems like a good idea to me. And then when you'd be gone to your office I'd spend all time with our baby. And then after years, we'll send our child to the best school. You could teach him/her your athletic side, I could nourish some polished manners. You'd always wanted to be full of life and adventurous. Jahan, in upbringing our child, I'll make sure I fulfill all responsibility and all tiny details of life we couldn't have. In this new journey, I'll never let go of your hand. I'll always be besides you like I've been before.
Hmm, at times you might get jealous of me not giving much time to you but I am here, writings this, months ago to let you know that with our child in this world my love would not for even a second dissolve for you. But instead it'll grow each day.  And I'll fall for you like I fall for you now. I'll love with more energy and all my being to never let you think that my love had deviated. But Jahan, in all of this I'll need your support and I am not doubtful about this. I know you'd be there for me. Whatever is going on in the world, you'll still be besides me. And that scares me to think that I've made you stick to me 24/7. It's not as if I want you distant but I don't want you to be so closer that something we haven't seen, haven't heard, a deathly game, a sudden pain, blemishes you. And my love and your love for me leaves you crazy. You say I shouldn't talk about death. But I cannot forget it, right. It's the taste of living, Jahan. It cannot be ignored. Okay well, all in all I've loved you Jahan. And I'll always love you be it closer than your skin or far away forever-

I slammed the diary so sharply that the room burst with protests of the dead pages. Caressing away the flowing tears, I allowed my burning eyes to close. God! I couldn't even complete reading the paragraph. How could she-

My heart ached in my pericardial cavity.

I stood up with a mission now. Grabbing the diary and lighter from the table, I walked out in the balcony. The starry night looked at me with sparkles of stars like tear filled eyes as I placed the diary on the small coffee table there. My head throbbed as I thought for only a second before lighting the lighter near the book. The hard surface of diary caught the flames. And I let it burn as a thin smoke of grey started to arch in the dark night. Only enlightening my pain more.

" Why Ronaq, why?"

" Why did you love me so much!" My bare feet slid against the wooden floor boards as I moved away from the table. Burning my wife's diary. I didn't have the heart to read it more. I wasn't as strong as Ronaq thought I was. She was my strength and what I had now.

My breaths laboured and I heaved. Letting the fresh set of tears roll down as I watched with uncanny eyes. Seeing the fire eat the pages. Eating my heart as well.

With the whirling air. I felt myself waking up to reality. Getting slapped in the face. Haphazardly, I looked at the diary and my heart dropped. Reaching forward, I blew against the fire, wanting to stop it. Pushing the burning diary on the ground, I stepped on it. Still no good, I rushed inside, grabbed a towel and wrapped the black diary in it. The fire went out and I sighed heavily seeing the damage I had done to it.

Walking back inside the room, I hugged it to my bare chest. As if hugging the woman itself. I am so sorry Ronaq. I am so sorry.

The knob twisted on my bedroom door and I saw with widened eyes as Mohid struggled to get in. His toothy smile and bright eyes directing to me as he grinned at first. But my demeanor flattened him as he frowned and then his lips wobbled. Probably seeing the condition I was in. I didn't dare move a step and had no energy to wipe my tears away.

" Mohid! Come here, Jaan chachu must be sleeping!" I heard the warning in Afaaf's voice as she called her son from down the hallway.

" Jaan." The little guy said before he was rubbing his eyes and crying.

My heart broke all over again.

" You little boy-"

Afaaf halted seeing the scene unfold before her. Her eyes switched from her son's to mine and her brown orbs widened as she looked at me. Her figure stopped my her son and she bent to his level.

" Mohid, your jaan chachu needs sometime alone. Come let's go sleep!" She said softly before picking the boys up.

She did not say any further. Yet as she closed the door I didn't miss the look of worry on her features. I buried the diary again in my wardrobe, among clothes as if making a tomb of it. Deciding to cool off by a shower, I pulled out a pair of trousers and shirt before stomping to the bathroom. Red eyes greeted me as I stood before the mirror.

You deserve happiness too.

If you don't do something, someone else has to take a step for you!

She's dead now.

My eyes traveled across my bare chest seeing the scars embossed on my skin. The scars that told stories of near death. A large one travelled from the skin over the base of my lungs to the left side of my ribs. It was my surgery sign, the bullet I had endured by that vile man had almost missed my pulmonary aorta by chance. Bringing me to back to life. And how I wished I could have killed that vile man who killed my wife and child if it weren't for Zaryaab throwing my arm up at the last minute.

He said he knew I wouldn't be able to live with the weight of killing someone. Be it the murderer of my wife and so he had to do it at the last moment. But I had gotten hit in the chest. Zaryaab was messed up as well. He had gone under surgery as well. But he had a reason to come back home. He had someone waiting.

I did not have anyone waiting, the one waiting for me was past the lines beeping on the monitors. She was past the IVs and medicine. She was somewhere out where no one living was. She was waiting for me on the other end. And here I was being reminded to come back to life.

Reminded to come back to life.

•

I let the days pass down and the snow of my heart melt down. The once streaming sun has shied down, letting the cool of air to blow through. I loosened the tie from around my neck, hearing soft laughter and Mohid's voice.

" Assalam O Alaikum" I greeted the ladies in the garden seeing their dressed up forms.

" Walaikum Assalam Jahan. Would you like some tea?" Afaaf asked politely to which I nodded.

" Jaan chachu!" Mohid cradled his toy to his chest as he shied behind his mother's legs.

" Yes?" I asked seeing him grin at me.

" What's with you guys being dressed up?" I curiously looked from my mom to Dadi Gul Jan.

The women laughed and shared a glance before choosing to answer me.

" We went to meet a family. And then another and lastly we went to Saboohi's house." Mom said and I did stiffen for a moment.

She had been in hunt for a daughter in law for a week. Showing me pictures of various girls in which I had no interest.

" Saboohi is such a nice girl." Afaaf interrupted, smiling softly. I reached forward to take the cup of tea and managed to form a smile.

" And you know Jahan, she is the only girl Mohid has agreed on till now." Dadi Gul Jan said making the boy blush into red. I chuckled seeing his reaction as he hugged his mother.

" Really Mohid?" I asked pulling him towards me.

He played with my tie and rested his head against my shoulder.

" We just went to meet her family. They are nice people. The family is not big. They are looking for an alliance for Saboohi as well. Educated people, Saboohi is well an, engineer. She's a biotech engineer. And shes very lovely-"

Afaaf paused for a minute as mom interrupted.

" And she seems to have an interest in our son as well."

I like you.

"What  do you think about the family, Dadi Gul Jan?"

" Well, they are very nice and welcoming people but I cannot make a decision." The woman said casting me a glance.

" Hm. I cannot do it as well-" mom turned to me and placed a hand over my arm.

" I would not agree to something you don't agree to Jahan. Take your time, and let us know. We'll only take things further if it's okay with you."

Afaaf gave the most reassuring smile and I nodded.

You just have to take the first step Jahan. Everything will fall back to place.

You deserve to be happy.

I like you.

" I'll think about it!" I vocalized hearing a sigh of relief leave mom's lips.

•

Do,

°Vote

°comment loads

°share

°and follow

Let me know your reviews about the chapter guys and drop some hearts in the comment section below! ❤

What do you think about Ronaq's diary? Want to know more about what's in it?

Take good care of yourself,

Till then<

Love,
_Hafsa♥