Flowers growing in my lungs

Wish I could tell you what you mean to me

I'll rip them out to give to you

A bouquet of unsaid I love yous!

Saboohi

'I need to tell you something'

The man had said with a very nervous tone and equally shivering hands. Yet his eyes gleamed in a way they never had before. And my heart lurched in my throat thinking about all the signs he was giving me about what we wanted to tell me. The problem was his amber brown eyes weren't very conundrum to me now, and I understood the underlying emotions in them.

And my insides shook seeing the new emotion spark in his eyes for me. His love.

And God! I'd be doomed to not be the first person to not recognize it. And I fell for him more.

I couldn't remember when I woke up but as I stared up at the ceiling thinking about how he had said about telling me something, I wondered if I had even slept all night. My own nervousness and jittering feeling was causing my toes to curl. Because as much as I wanted the man to love me back, I was scared. I was scared to embrace the feeling that he actually loved me.

If I was bàtshit crazy for him, I knew. But someone else being in love with me, scared me to heights. Jahan being in love with me scared me to heights. Jahangir Ali Khan being in love with Saboohi scared me to unlimited boundaries and beyond that.

I always reciprocated what others showed me and for the first time I had a thin possibility of seeing someone else reciprocate what I had for them. And it was mind boggling to think that at the end, or somewhere in between, two people find love and happiness. And what would be my happiness without Jahan?

But for Jahan? Was I everything he wanted? Was I making him as much happy as he was making me? Did I meant the same what he meant for me? Would I be his essential? And the answers to many more innumerable questions like these scared me. And I so did the best thing to do. I decided to run off.

Temporarily.

Getting up from the bed, I did my business in the bathroom and then pulled out the small duffel bag like thingy from the top of the wardrobe. And started to thrust in my clothes. And my shoes. Keeping in my toiletries, I zipped the bag up and set it near the door. Before gathering myself for a minute.

I wasn't running away from Jahan, I was just running away from the feeling of a confession. I was just buying us sometime. Because I wasn't ready to just listen to him. It would leave me overwhelmed and having a weak heart, I'd probably die because of the ultimate happiness Jahan would grant me. I was just buying some time for myself.

Skidding down the stairs, I found the hall almost empty as the men had already left for work and Dadi Gul Jan remained resting on the large sofa. A hand resting over her eyes. My feet probably whirred her senses as she removed her arm from over her eyes to look at me.

" You finally woke up? We waited at the breakfast for quite a long time."

I smiled sheepishly and heat of embarrassment coated my cheeks. Playing with the corner of my veil, I took the seat on the sofa besides her.

" Um, Dadi Gul Jan I was wondering to visit Moma-"

" Sure why not? Her Iddat ended two days ago, you should go and spend some time with her. Instead, I'll accompany you as well."

I smiled before moulding my words again.

" Hm but I was wondering if I could go and stay with her for a few days."

My eyebrows quirked up as I waited for her reaction. Her eyebrows frowned and her nodded as if calculating something.

" Why not Saboohi. She is your mother. Go pack a bag and stay as long as you want."

Once her permissive words took over my doubts, I jumped up before murmuring ten words of gratitude and running up the stairs. Minutes later when I returned down with my purse and duffel, Dadi Gul Jan was arranging something in the dining room.

" Wait Saboohi, take these things with you."

I looked at the baskets lining the dining table and frowned. Staring from seasoned fruits to all kinds of dry nuts and shawls. A few packed boxes of crockery and tea set were also kept.

" What is all this, Dadi Gul Jan?"

I asked confused. The woman however smiled and cupped my hand.

" Your mother's Iddat just ended, so I got some things already stored in before. Take these, she'll feel nice."

I nodded before pointing to the packed boxes.

" And these?"

" These are for her new house. Just some gifts Saboohi. You talk a lot now go, hurry up. The driver is already waiting."

My heart warmed up and I leaned down to embrace her as the driver loaded the baskets and boxes in the car. Sitting in the car, I waved at the woman before the car rolled out of the driveway.

My heart chanted to leave a message for Jahan. But I knew better, if I messaged him I wouldn't be able to leave. And it would take only a few hours before he knows that I am not at home. My eyes automatically wandered to the passing by trees from my mobile screen and I enjoyed every moment of the ride.

Rubi had gotten Moma shifted into a small house down the hill. My father's house was given up on rent so that Moma could live independently and the new house she shifted into was besides both of her brothers. It was an easy deal made for convenience of everyone. And I had to give the credit to Rubi for using her brain the way she did.

Moma had often called and asked to visit and I felt guilty for not visiting before. The car slowed down to the address I had told and I tensed seeing the main road house she had shifted into. When the car stopped, I got down and rang the bell while the driver got down all the stuff.

Abbas opened the door with his greeting features and I smiled before letting the driver in for keeping the stuff. Once everything was inside, the car drove away whilst I stood outside the door taking in the neighborhood.

Small houses lined down the road, whilst cars raced down the main road momentarily. Across the one lane road was the gushing water coming up from the mountains and flowing into the river that lay before the houses with trees immaculately stretched around.

I liked the river across from us but I missed the feel of the silent neighborhood that we had before. Abbas led me in and we set the baskets on the nearest table lined in the front room.

" Are you here to stay?"

Abbas asked as he rolled in my duffel and I nodded seeing the boys grin.

" Really?"

" Yes Abbas."

I assured giggling as he ran off.

Once left alone in the foreign room, I found it more larger and empty. Barely a medium sized table and a single sofa set was placed with an artificial tree in the corner. Some vases set on the floor still covered in newspaper wrapping. The ivory paint wasn't new and fresh but it had few scratches on the ceiling as well as scraped parts on walls.

My shoes sounded on the floors as I walked further towards the other end of the room which lead to the inside of the house. Right besides the door of the front room were stairs and a corridor alongside them. I walked up the creaky steps and my heart fell in the pit of my stomach as I turned the knob of the first door. Pink decorations and my furniture remained disguised under dust and white sheets. And overall the room was all upside down. Besides the room was terrace and that's it.

With lips tugged downwards, I made my way back and into the corridor this time as I passed the kitchen and a spare bedroom.

" Saboohi. Saboohi has come!"

A soft voice spoke and I peeked inside the room seeing my moma on the praying mat as she turned to her tilted shoulder to glance at me. I smiled before walking into her bedroom and embracing her.

" Assalam O Alaikum."

I greeted before resting my head on her shoulder. Feeling the familiar smell of her duppatta now embrace me. When I pulled back, soft warm hands caressed the skin of my cheeks.

" Saboohi. I was missing your father today and look you greeted me."

She spoke with gleaming eyes and I kissed her cheek.

" Don't worry! I am here now and won't be gone early."

I said before sitting on her darkened polished bed. Moma folded the end of the mat and came to sit besides me.

" You came to stay? What about Jahan? Did you ask his permission?"

I intertwined my fingers and shook my head in such a way that it equalled to nodding. Moma's eyes lit up and she stood up.

" I'll make something of your choice then."

She said before hurrying out of the room and probably into the kitchen. I asked Moma if I could set a few things here and there. And very soon I had made the front room a little presentable. I had even swept up some things from the room upstairs and set them in the spare bedroom.

I was half way through the day when my phone rang. Jahan's name flashed on the screen and an automatic smile made its way on my features.

" Hel-"

" Why aren't you home?"

The question smacked me before I could even greet and I frowned at the man's impolite behavior.

" I am at Moma's place, Jahan."

" Why Saboohi?"

I could hear the horn blaring in the background, indicating that he was indeed driving.

" Because I wanted to visit her. She's my mother."

" Okay. But I am coming to get you, grab your stuff fast."

Flabbergasted, I sprang up from the sofa as I listened to the man.

" What! No. No. Jahan"

" What Saboohi? I am coming to pick you up."

He sounded stressed and I hated it if it was because of me.

" Jahan, I am gonna stay here for a while with Moma."

" But Saboohi-"

I could hear the silence in the background now.

" Because I should be able to stay away from you. And other than that Moma needs me here. I wish to spend some time with her as well."

I said feeling sad suddenly. The man went quiet for a couple of seconds before he sighed.

" Well okay then. Now what should I do when I get home?"

I laughed out at his cuteness.

" Your moma won't mind if I stay with you guys for a few days as well."

I laughed again hearing the man chuckle with me.

" No she won't Jahan. But I would certainly. Now go home because I have plenty of work to finish as well."

" But Saboohi-"

" Bye Jahan."

I hung up on him and now staring at the blackened screen I found my heart beating erratically. And every fiber in my body yearned for him.

The sun set down the horizon and soon Moma and I were on the dining table. It felt odd having dinner with just her on the table. There were no relatives, no siblings of her, no baba and no Rubi. Just me and Moma like never before. And I smiled at the efforts Moma did to make small conversation over the table.

" I'll take the plates, Moma"

I offered already taking up on the task. Feeling her eyes gauge me.

" Saboohi, I never knew you'd be this marvelous at whatever you do. I was so blinded with hate and anger that I failed to see past this. But you're doing amazing. Better than anyone else."

My eyes squinted together while my back faced her. I held onto the basin counter feeling her leave the room. And a scratching feeling gnawed at my skin at my mother's words.

" It's all because of Jahan, Moma. It's because of him that you're seeing me do amazing. It's because of him that I am even breathing. It's because I have him in my life."

I spoke to no one as large round tears pooled down my eyes.

•

" Saboohi? Is that you?"

A familiar voice spoke and I looked up from the book on my lap to my aunty who stood looking at me in amazement.

" Hi"

I awkwardly waved my hand and pushed my legs from under me and onto the floor before standing up.

" Haaa, I just dropped by to check up on your mom. Are you staying?"

She asked and I nodded my head, filling a glass of water for her.

" Visit us in the evening. The girls would be happy to see you."

I gave her a smile and soon Moma joined in giving me the perfect opportunity to slide from between them and into my room. Closing the room, utterly bored, I crashed my self on the bed ready for a nap.

Hours later when the soft touches fluttered my skin, I groaned and rolled over my back. Opening my eyes, I tilted seeing a bouquet of flowers placed before me. And seconds later I was nuzzling into it. Confused, I sat up and smelled the flowers. Heavenly.

I slipped down the bed and my eyes grew large at the rows of bouquets that lined the room.

" What the f-"

I mumbled to myself before pattering out. More bouquets were in the corridor.

" Abbas! Moma!" I yelled in the silent house.

Who even got them.

I walked into the small dining room seeing it filled with flowers as well, finally reaching the front room, I saw the man seated patiently as he listened to what Moma said.

" Jahan?"

I whispered loud enough to catch their attention.

" Saboohi, you're awake. Let me fix us some tea then."

Moma rushed out and the man with the amber brown eyes stood up. Making me hyper aware of his presence now as he stepped towards me. I remained immobile on functioning level yet the weight of the flowers in my hand grew more with each passing second.

" You brought all these?"

I asked with eyebrows drawn closer seeing a small smile grace the man's lips.

" Yes-"

" Why would you buy so many flowers for me Jahan?"

I asked seeing the more flowers around the room.

He squinted his handsome face and glanced at me before tucking a piece of my hair behind my ears. Making me aware of how ugly I looked after my nap.

" Who said these are for you? I brought them for aunty!"

He said yet I didn't miss the tease in his tone as he pulled the bouquet away from me. Making me snatch it back ferociously.

" You and I both know who these flowers are from. And how many are these?"

I asked looking around the room. Each flowers now dispersing it's colour on the walls and each unique fragrance wafting in the atmosphere. My eyes tore back to the man's as he chuckled, caressing my cheek.

" Six hundred only."

Six hundred flowers.

My eyes grew large as I looked at him in astonishment. And I swung the bouquet at his arm.

" What are you doing here anyways! Go home now."

I said pushing him away seeing the man laugh loudly. The corners of his eyes wrinkling.

" I am here to eat Aalo Gosht. Aunty has invited me."

I pouted, knowing straight away that he was lying. Keeping the flowers away, I wrapped my arms around myself before walking away. He was just making excuses to stay and ugh did I not want him to stay.

When dinner time rolled in, we had dinner quietly with Moma and Jahan conversing like long lost best friend while I momentary glared at my husband.

" I should be going now."

Jahan's voice boomed in the room outside as I did the dishes. My hands stilling on their own. Sadness filled me and I rinsed my hands. Hearing Moma call out to me.

" Saboohi, go walk Jahan to the door."

I walked into the room. Seeing Jahan already putting on his coat with his eyes trained on me. We silently walked in the corridor and into the front room. I sighed as he opened the main door and stepped outside.

Say something Saboohi. Say something. He's going. Say something.

" Jahan-"

" When-"

We both said at the same time and I allowed myself to join in to chuckle with him.

" Please go ahead."

I urged seeing the man now leaning against the door.

" When are you coming back?"

He asked and a small smile lifted my lips.

" Hm. Whenever you come here next time I'll-"

" I'll meet you tomorrow then."

I grinned at his eagerness. My arms lifted on accord and I embraced him. Feeling his soothing warm body encase me within his arms.

" Come with me tonight, Saboohi."

He spoke with his mouth over my hair and I tightened my grip over him.

" Tomorrow, Jahan."

I said before pulling away from him. I waved at him as he walked to his car, feeling as if a bigger part of me was going with him. The night passed and morning greeted us. Moma wanted some grocery so I accompanied her to the market. On the way back, I noticed something different on the other side of the road.

" Moma, go inside. I am just coming back."

I said before crossing the road and looking at the temporary board fixed up near the river.

Fireworks at 8pm

I read and returned back. Once inside the house, I loosened the Afghani scarf I borrowed from Moma and washed my hands.

" What was it, Saboohi."

My mother asked and I glanced at the woman.

" Someone setting up fireworks for tonight."

I said and grabbed the apple from across the table and soon it fell from my hand as Moma spoke.

" Isn't Jahan very thoughtful!"

Jahan?

Fireworks?

What is going on?

•

Jahan

" Really? What are you waiting for then?"

Afaaf and Dadi Gul Jan shared a look and I tensed.

" Should I go to her then?"

Afaaf's shook her head and scrunched her face.

" Obviously Jahan. Go to her and tell her."

The woman said and I stood up. Seeing Dadi Gul Jan add.

" Also bring her back home."

I nodded and rushed to get my keys. Pushing on the gas, I was speeding my way to Saboohi's place. Although Afaaf and Dadi Gul Jan had urged me to go and confess but now sitting in the car I found myself blank. What would I even say to her? How would I begin?

I knew I was a little crack headed but Saboohi was more than me. And God! She could make me do anything in a twisted way. She was confusion itself, how would I clear my point to her. But again there weren't any points in love.

The sky was darkening and my heart was plummeting loudly. Parking my car across the road, I checked up on the fireworks and the worker who was setting it up. Crossing the road, I made my way to the door and knocked. Oddly, the door was unlocked and two little kids ran out and into the house next door. I walked into the front room and glanced around. Feeling as if no one was home.

" Saboohi-"

I called out. The sound of clicking heels greeted my ears and I looked towards the stairs seeing the woman descend down. My eyes stilled on her and shoot my heart just lurched out.

Dressed elegantly, she sported white heels with an equally white beaded dress that hugged her in all the right places. She wore little makeup and what caught my attention was the tiara of flowers decorating her hair.

Her butterscotch eyes smiled at me even before her lips lifted up.

" Hi."

She voiced out and I was awestruck to even begin. Coming to stand before me the woman easily captured my attention.

" Saboohi."

" Hm."

She hummed eager to hear me and I gulped down my throat.

Say it all out, Jahan. She's still Saboohi.

I reached for her hand and lifted it to my lips. My heart was beating eratically and sweat trickled down the side of my neck.

" Saboohi, I-"

She beckoned me with her large eyes and I stuttered yet again.

" Saboohi, I've come to-"

" Yes Jahan."

Her voice was so smooth that it extracted out everything from within me.

" Saboohi, I love you."

Her hand quacked and I melted away as she easily burst into tears. Making my heart warm up for her.

" Saboohi, I will love you even when the world is deceiving me. And when my emotions are betraying me. And even when I know that you're north and I am south, I'll still love you. And the life I forgot to live, I want to spend every coming second of it with you. I cannot just tell how important you've become for me. And I'd be lost, Saboohi. I'd be lost if you're not there. If your light isn't there."

I cupped her cheeks. Wanting her to be more closer to me. Wanting the feel of her skin against mine. Telling her all of this felt like transferring my heart to her. And it was anything but easy. My lips wobbled on accord and I sighed in. Saboohi was close, breathing softly and tears poured down her eyes as she sniffed softly. Looking as beautiful as my eyes have never caught before.

" I forgot life. I forgot that I'd be given a chance. I forgot that I'd be loved again. And I forgot I could love again, Saboohi. I am sorry that I am hard to handle but I promise I'd do anything-"

" Jahan"

The woman cried out and I stilled seeing her look at me with so much love that I almost failed for loving her less. The more she'll love me, the less it would be in comparison with me. I knew she'd always love me more.

" Ronaq said that she loved me because I never stopped pursuing her, she said she loved me because loving me felt like celebrating our souls together. And I thought that there was only one home; her heart. But maybe I was wrong, there's another home for me; your soul. So please entwined your soul with mine. But my love for Ronaq-"

I paused.

How would I ever stop loving Ronaq? Would I stop loving her? Would I ever erase her? Would I ever forget about her?

Saboohi leaped forward in my arms and tightened hers on the nape of my neck. Her soft breaths hitting the side of my neck as she spoke.

" Shsh Jahan. I know you. I understand you. And I understand your love for Ronaq. She'd always be your jahan, your everything. And you know what I'll say about Ronaq, I'll say she's his jahan. And let her be your jahan because I would never take her place, Jahan not now and not after twelve years from now. But I'll make my place. Give me a small piece of your heart and I'll cherish it."

She spoke still embracing me and I felt so blessed to have found her. She was beautiful in ways I couldn't define.

" Saboohi."

I called out softly.

" Your confession is more beautiful than mine."

She chuckled and I would feel the haorsness of her throat vaporize.

" Caress my back when we are about to sleep. Comb my hair on a random day. Hold my hand when we descend the stairs. Cook me spaghettis when I am grumpy. But whatever you do Jahan, I'll believe it with blind eyes that you love me now that you've said it."

I smiled before tightening my hands on her waist and kissing her cheek.

" I love you very much."

I said gazing into her butterscotch eyes. Seeing a beautiful smile come across her lips.

" I love you too, Jahan"

I did not care to think who advanced inches forward till we were lips to lips. But Saboohi laughed out as she kissed my cheek and pulled away.

" You set up the fireworks?"

Her eyes sparkled and I scratched my head like a nervous school boy.

"Yeah, I thought you'll like-"

" I love them."

I grinned before leaning down and kissing her forehead.

" You're coming home with me"

" Yes I am. But come on right now. Otherwise we'll miss the first fire!"

She jumped excitedly and outstretched her hand. I shook my head at her excitement. Following close behind her, we stepped outside seeing the silence and calmness greet us.

" Fireworks here we come!"

Saboohi shouted loud enough for the neighbors to hear and I chuckled closing the door behind me as the woman easily stepped down the front steps and onto the empty road.

My eyes caught the flickering of the headlights coming from the road end and my eyes tore to Saboohi. Seeing her now in the middle of the road as she beckoned me to join her. Time slowed down for me as I looked at the speedy vehicle racing towards her.

" SABOOHI!"

I yelled as loud as I could seeing the large jeep now race towards her more faster than ever as she stood oblivious to it. My dropping heart rate and buckled knees worked up, as I ran to my wife. Loud honks filled the main road and I grabbed Saboohi's  arm seeing the terror in her wide eyes but I failed to move quick as the honks got louder and tires screeched. I felt Saboohi's hold tighten just a fraction on me before headlights flickered onto us.

My eyes reached for hers as I tried moving us away as fast as I could but-

My hand left hers and I felt my body being pushed away brutally. A heavy impact tore multiple muscles in my body and I went flying down the road. A gurgling sound tore out from my mouth as  my head hit the road. My blurred vision tried to focus on anything. Night, sky, stars. The felt being burned all over. My body pained in places I couldn't point out.

My heavy breathings and shards of glass was all I could feel before footsteps welcomed me. Warm liquid trickled down my face and I focused on breathing through my compressed lungs.

Saboohi. Saboohi.

The tips of my fingers moved and I tried to turn on my side but I felt paralyzed as I laid flat on the road.

" Saaaa-"

My voice. My head spun and I tried to push myself up feeling hands now shake me, compress me and awake me. My head tilted to the side with my blurred vision and I found a body sleeping peacefully beside me. Her hair all over her face. 

Shrill voices distracted me. And I lost focus on everything. Saboohi. Stars. Nights. Limbs. Blood. And breathing. And darkness invaded me.

And to ALLAH, we shall return.

•

Love,

Saboohi and Jahan.