"What does that even mean? How do you even know that he's your mate?" The question echoed over and over again in Cole's head. 

This entire situation felt unfair. He kept feeling that word like a shot to the heart over and over again. Unfair, unfair, unfair. 

And then he'd fall into a pit of self-hatred and guilt because he was acting like a child. Unfair? Kaia was the one in danger now. Since he'd left the mansion, he'd called her nearly every day. Already, there had been an attack on her. Cole had a feeling the Pack wouldn't just accept her. Wolves are a close-knit group, always have been. Lines were drawn and they were hard to break through. 

Still, if anyone could do it, it was Kaia. She'd managed to get Cole visiting rights to the Mansion somehow, even if he was now avoiding that place like the black death because of a certain someone. Cole supposed that after surviving the attack, the remaining members of the Pack gained some respect for her, like they suddenly realized that she was tougher than they'd been expecting. She was Kaia, after all...Cole had to remember that. 

She hadn't been raised in the blood-drenched world of wolves, but she was tough enough to make it. Cole had always believed that somewhere deep down--Kaia was his big sister, the one who helped him through their mother's death all those years ago--but he'd always listened to his father. He'd always just accepted the way things were, that she needed to be protected. Because Cole had always wanted to believe in his father. It hurt to think that the man he'd once seen as perfect was the same one wandering around upstairs like a lost child. 

And Kaia had suffered for her father's faults, for Cole's childish hopes. It made him feel guilty. He'd let his sister, who he loved more than anything, suffer because he was afraid to face the truth. The truth. It was like a monster Cole had buried alive, keeping it hidden from himself and Kaia. He knew it was there. She hadn't. And yet despite his efforts, that monster had burrowed back to the surface, stronger than Cole's lies. What had it all been for?

Cole sighed and plopped his keys down on the small table in the hallway, swinging the door shut behind him. 

"Cole?" His father's voice called. He sounded stronger these days. After his breakdown, he'd wandered around the house like a ghost. He never said anything, just gazed out the window towards the porch as if he were waiting for someone to come home. Sometimes Cole found himself watching the steps up to the house, too. He always thought it would be Kaia walking up those steps, even if it was unlikely that such a thing actually happened; Cole didn't know if Kaia would ever come home again. Even more so, he wondered if after their mother had died, whether she'd ever actually seen this place as her home. Maybe all that was left here for her here was a cage. Maybe she didn't want to come home...and what did that mean for their relationship?

Cole pressed a hand against the ache in his chest and blinked tears away. He tried to muffle the thought that Kaia might leave him behind for good. She always seemed like her mind was elsewhere during their phone calls. She was busy, had her own life now. 

And what was Cole left with?

He was left looking after his father, who was probably gazing out the window again, eyes glazed over. Cole didn't think it was Kaia that David was looking for, though. He didn't really remember his mom very well, but he knew that she had been something special. Maybe you never really forget something like that. Maybe his dad was still too stuck in the past to take a step forward. 

Still, the man had recovered somewhat. He still seemed lost, but at least he could speak. When Cole had arrived back at the house, covered in blood, he'd found the door gaping open. The entire house was freezing, and his father had been wandering around staring at the pictures on the walls. 

When he'd seen Cole step into the room, he'd started freaking out again. He was raving, talking about the wolves and Isobel and over and over again mentioning a 'him.' Cole knew that something was off. He had a theory, but he was too afraid that it would end up being correct that he never spoke of it, blocked it out of his mind. 

The mysterious 'he' haunted Cole, though, no matter how hard he tried to erase his existence. He had an eerie feeling that something was coming, like a buzz in the air before a thunderstorm. Cole didn't trust the silence. 

"Have you called Tom, dad?" Cole yelled upstairs. Within moments, David appeared at the top of the steps, looking down at Cole with a puzzled expression. 

"Tom?" he asked, frowning. Cole could feel frustration rising.  

He sighed, tired. He walked up the stairs one at a time, listening to their familiar quiet creak. Cole clutched the bannister as he spoke, "You told me that you'd call Tom. Yesterday, remember?" 

"Oh, of course," David said, taking his glasses off and wiping each lens on his sweater. "I haven't called him yet, no." 

"I'll do it, then," Cole said, moving to step around his father. 

But David stopped him, "No, I can call him. I'm still-"

"Just let me do it, dad," Cole said harshly, holding up his hands to stop his father's sad attempt to claim that he was still 'just fine.' You're not 'just fine' if you're shooting the Alpha of Whispers. Cole saw the hint of pain in his father's eyes, but he ignored it, fleeing into his room. He'd seen the regret in his father's eyes; David apparently remembered how cruel he'd been after Kaia had first gone missing and had suffered a change of heart, apparently. It made it harder for Cole to resent him, and for now, Cole just wanted to be mad at his dad for a while. 

He shut the door gently, sagging against the wood. He puffed to blow a rogue curl out of his eyes. Cole plopped down at his desk, wondering if he should cut his hair soon. His mind wandered, touching on innocent subjects because that way he could avoid what he really needed to think about. 

But then he saw the little black book on his desk and reality came flooding back, his emotions slamming into him like a physical blow. 

I'll finally have a new life, one that doesn't destroy my soul. Change. That's what he'd asked for in those pages, a little parasitic hope taking up residence in the back of his mind. And yet when the opportunity for change had found him, he'd run. 

He reached to the desk and opened the book, flipping past his writings and messy sketches. His hands moved on their own, his fingers guiding the pencil. The graphite glided along the page, finding where it was supposed to go. Lines upon lines appeared on the page until Cole paused, dropping the pencil. 

Lionel's face stared up at him, a slight smile on his lips and a shine in his eyes. But it didn't quite look like him. The smile looked a little bit fake, maybe because Cole was doing this from memory and because in the short time they'd spent together, Lionel hadn't smiled for very long. Perhaps if Cole had chosen to draw Lionel as though he were about to cry, it would have been more accurate; after all, Cole had practically reduced Lionel to tears. He felt horrible about it, but the frustration was still there, too. He couldn't face Lionel again...not like this. 

Cole stared at Lionel's face for a few seconds before shutting the book. He sighed, shutting his eyes and resting his forehead on his desk. The house was cold, but when he remembered Lionel's hand in his, his face started to heat up. He could feel the warmth of Lionel's presence around him still, even if he'd never see Lionel again. 

Because that's what he intended. He didn't know what he'd do, what he'd agree to if he saw Lionel again. He'd barely escaped last time without spilling all of his darkest secrets and emotional confessions to a guy he'd just met. 

He hated feeling so vulnerable like that. He'd never felt like that before, and he didn't want to again. It was terrifying. He'd rather face his angry, mentally unstable father than see Lionel again. Lionel, who was just so...

Cole growled at himself, lifting his head and flipping his journal open again. He stared at the drawing. He kept getting these...quick hints of something. It was like a part of him was coming to the surface for air after suffocating for years. And each time it came up, he was hit by this uncontrollable feeling. 

Thoughts would intrude into his consciousness, thoughts he'd never had before. He'd spoken to Lionel once and yet he had this nearly uncontrollable urge to draw his hands, to hold his hands, to get close to him, to... Cole snapped the pencil, glaring at the two broken halves. At least he could prevent one of those urges from happening. For now. 

Cole groaned, leaning back in his chair and letting his arms slump. He had to think about something else, literally anything else. He stood up and scooped his phone up from where it lay on his bed. Calling Tom seemed easier than confronting whatever mysterious force was possessing his thoughts and making his body rebel against its owner. 

"Hello, son. I was wondering when I'd be getting your call," Tom said. For some reason, Cole found his voice comforting. 

"Hi, Tom," Cole said with a sigh, "Sorry about that. I've been sort of busy." 

"With your sister, you mean?" Tom asked. 

It took a minute for Cole to regain his composure. "You knew?" 

"What do you mean?" Tom asked. 

"You knew about Kaia?" Cole asked, calmer this time. Tom was probably closer to David that Cole was. It wasn't altogether surprising that he knew something that Cole didn't. Still, it sort of stung. 

"I mean, as far as we all knew, yes I did. I mean, David had us guarding her from wolves, told us that she was extremely vulnerable. In the end, maybe this was why he was so worried about her. I didn't know, but I had a feeling. David never told me anything about it, if that's what you're worrying about," Tom said. Cole was slightly relieved at this news. Tom had an unusually good read on people, always seemed to know what to say. Tom's voice softened, "How is he, Cole?" 

Cole shook his head, sitting down again. He stared at a blank spot on his wall, "Not good." 

"How bad is it?" Tom asked, "Do you need me over there?" 

"No, Tom. I can handle it," Cole said quickly. He'd feel guilty if Tom took it upon himself to look after their family more than he already had. 

Tom's voice was almost angry when he next spoke, "Maybe you shouldn't have to." 

"What?" Cole asked, surprised. Tom wasn't a man who was easily angered. 

"I know it's not fair of me, but David has done wrong by you kids," Tom said, his voice gradually sinking into barely a whisper, "And I'm not sure I can forgive him for that. You two deserve more, have always deserved more than you've gotten." 

Cole was silent for a long time, and Tom seemed to understand what effect his words had. He was quiet, too, waiting for Cole to compose himself. Because it was so true. Cole had always tried to ignore it, but it was true. And only now was he beginning to realize that he wanted more, wanted better. He didn't want to be stuck with this life any longer. 

Cole wanted more than anything to stop walking the path his father had laid for him. He wanted to sprint away from it, from whatever fate had been predesigned for him. He couldn't change some things, couldn't bring his mother back, couldn't un-mate Kaia and the Alpha of Whispers, couldn't make his father suddenly sane again. But, in the end, maybe he had more agency than he first thought. 

"Thanks, Tom," Cole said finally, "You're a good man." 

"You, too. Call me if you need anything. I'll swing by to take him off of your hands soon enough. And don't worry. I'll keep him away from any wolves." 

Cole almost laughed despite the situation, "I think he'll be ok in the end. I have to believe that." 

Tom was silent for a breath and then, "Me, too. He's obviously not perfect. He's never really been a good father, not after he lost your mother. But he's not a bad man." 

Cole was comforted by that. He'd needed to hear it. Because from where Cole was sitting, his father's morals seemed questionable at best. Tom's words were a reminder that his father wasn't the villain. 

"Are you staying in touch with your sister?" Tom asked. 

"Yeah, I am," Cole responded. 

"Good. I don't want her to get so wrapped up that she forgets that you're her family, too," Tom said. 

Cole chuckled this time, "You always know what I'm thinking before I do." 

"I can read your mind, that's why. It's a bit scary in there, though. You should meditate," Tom said, humor lacing his voice. 

Cole laughed out loud, "I'll call you later, ok? Thanks again, Tom. For everything." 

"Don't stress yourself out too much," Tom said, "And find something you care about. I know you've never liked hunting. Maybe all this happening with your dad is a sign." 

"Yeah," Cole said, "I'll do that." 

He tossed his phone back onto his bed. At least Tom now knew what was going on. He'd probably been worried about David. They were good friends, after all, maybe even brothers. Cole felt like Tom was family sometimes. 

Something you care about. Cole hated that his mind only went to one place, one person. He wanted his own agency. He wanted to escape the world of wolves for once, and yet that was where his mind always ended up. It almost made him hate Lionel. Almost. 

He didn't want to admit it, but Cole had felt something around Lionel. Maybe he already knew what it was. He wasn't an idiot. But...it was complicated. 

For now, at least, he'd just avoid it. 

Cole flipped his laptop open to check his email. But then there he was again. Cole almost deleted the email on impulse, but his curiosity got the best of him. The second Cole hesitated to hit that delete button, he knew he was going to open and read the message. 

I know you probably don't want to hear from me. When we met, I was a bit overwhelmed. I want to tell you the reason why, but I have a feeling you're not ready to see me. I tried to put myself in your shoes and I realized that I was in the wrong. I never want to push you into something you don't want, so I'll wait. 

I know that your life is hard as it is. All I want is to make it a little easier. But for now, I'll stay here. I won't go looking for you. You have enough to deal with without me to add to the list, so I'll wait. But do know that I'm waiting for something. For you. 

I suppose I'm risking something by telling you this. You may not have felt what I felt, the reason why I was so overwhelmed. But I'm hoping--because hope is just about all I have regarding you--that you did. When you're ready, I'll be here. I don't know if my words will really reach you or change something in you, but I hope they're enough for you to at least consider the possibilities, the future. 

But all of this, the real purpose of this email, is to be disguised as my duty to inform you of your sister's Lunar Ceremony tomorrow. She is to be officially joined with Kaleb tomorrow evening, and I thought you should know. Perhaps this is an opportunity to confront something you've been avoiding, whether that be me or be your sister. If you decide not to come, however, I'm sure no one here will be horribly offended. 

But I'm sure she would love to see you. And so would I. 

Lionel

Aw. Lioneeelll. He's such a precious cinnamon roll. Anyway, leave me a comment and a vote and I'll leave you my unconditional love. Also, let me know of what you think of this story so far, and be honest! As always, thanks for reading. :)