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-&-

Chapter 17

        "Hey Luce?"

        "What's up Rose?" Luce mumbled as her fingers typed away at the laptop on her desk. I clasped my hands together nervously and fidgeted in my place by her door.

        "Um, well... there was this party I wanted to go to tonight and I was wondering if you would take me to go buy a costume..."

        The sound of her fingers clicking the keyboard's keys instantly stopped and I watched nervously as her back stiffened. She turned her spinning chair around just enough to look over at me and raise her eyebrow.

        "You want to go to a Halloween party... and skip trick-or-treating?"

        "Y-yeah..."

        She narrowed her bright blue eyes suspiciously before crossing her arms over her chest. "You always want to go trick-or-treating... Is this because of that boy? Rex or whatever?"

        I couldn't help the blush that rose to my face in full force and I ducked my head as heat flourished across my neck. "N-no-"

        "Don't lie Rose."

        I sighed and hung my head as she stood from her chair and walked over to me. "Yeah, he's going to some party tonight and I wanted to go."

        There was a small moment of silence before I glanced up and saw a hundred watt smile playing across Luce's lips. "Sure Rosalyn, I'll grab my purse."

        I gave her a big smile and a quick hug before walking out of her room and hopping down the stairs. "Hey kiddo." Dad greeted me with a smile in the kitchen as I grabbed an apple and headed for the door.

        "Hey dad, Luce is taking me shopping for that party tonight I was telling you about."

        "Oh okay! Have fun!" He called after me as I met Luce, and a grumpy half-awake Tate, at the front door.

        We had arrived at the mall not an hour later, Luce walking quietly at my side and a very grumpy Tate mumbling behind us. "Will you shut the hell up!" Luce finally snapped after Tate grumbled about following me to the party or something like that. I just let his words roll off my shoulders. I knew Luce wouldn't let him go to the party with me, even if his life depended on it.

        "All I'm saying is that letting her go to this stupid party is a bad idea." He spoke loudly enough for us to clearly hear him and Luce rolled her eyes.

        "I'm happy she's socializing for once Tate, as should you." He let out one gigantic sigh before falling silent once again, despite my huff of annoyance. Why does everyone keeping saying that?

        "Thank God." Luce muttered and I giggled at the annoyance in her voice.

        It took three more stores before we finally gave up and drove to Party City a block away. I was staring at their picture wall, that was covered in photos of different costumes, when Luce suddenly popped out of nowhere with two different costumes in her hands.

        "Tinker Bell, and the Mad Hatter?" I rose my eyebrows at her but she just rolled her eyes.

        "It's a sexy Mad Hatter Rose, seriously." She sighed and thrust the costumes into my hands as heat burned its way into a blush on my cheeks.

        "I-I, um... I don't feel comfortable with a sexy Mad Hatter costume-"

        "Oh shut up Rose and try the Tinker Bell one on first. It's more modest." My hands were shaking as I gripped the costumes to my chest and walked into the changing room.

        This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea... Those words kept playing over and over again in my head as I pulled my jeans and sweater off and pulled the Tinker Bell costume over my head. The green jagged skirt reached my knees and the see-threw sleeves went down to my elbow. It was a cute costume, one a ten year old would wear, but still...

        "I like it." Tate said as soon as I stepped out of the changing room, his "older brother" attitude shining through.

        "I don't." Luce's narrowed blue eyes were staring at the costume in distaste. "It's too big on your waist and it makes you look like a four year old."

        "Gee thanks, Luce." I grumbled and pulled at the costume fidgety.

        "Go try the Mad Hatter one on." I tried not to roll my eyes at the bossiness in her tone but it was to hard to resist.

        "I saw that Rosalyn." Luce growled after me but I ignored her and closed the changing room door.

        I'll admit it, the Mad Hatter costume was cute. But, on the other hand it was way too short. The skirt barely reached my mid-thigh, the waist clung to me like a second skin and the stockings came up about a centimeter above my skirt, there were no sleeves either...

        Oh heck no.

        "Let me see Rose." Luce's mumbled voice reached me through the door and even though my brain was going into full rejection mode I stepped out into the brightly lit store.

        "Oh hell no." Tate growled at the same exact time Luce said, "It's perfect!"

        "Are you insane! She looks like she's some skimpy college girl!" I flinched at Tate's words as he shouted at my sister. I-I look skimpy?

        Luce turned around and glared at him with her hands on her hips. "She does not. She looks like the seventeen year old girl that she is." I pulled the skirt down self-consciously as they started to argue and began to walk quietly back into the changing room.

        There was no way in heck I was going to wear this tiny thing to a party Rex was going to be at... a party he didn't even want me going to. I knew he would be furious, verbally angry even, but I was hoping that once he saw I could take care of myself in a social scene like that he would calm down... but not if I was wearing this.

        "What do you think you're doing?" Luce broke away from her's and Tate's argument long enough to snap at me.

        "I think I'm just going to stick with the Tinker Bell costume Luce-"

        "Oh no you're not."

        "Oh yes she is!" Tate's eyes narrowed at my sister angrily but she just sent him an angry glare.

        "It looks amazing Rose, that Rex kid isn't going to know what hit him." Even though my sister's words were meant to reassure me, my whole body stiffened at his name.

        Uh oh...

        "You're going to a party dressed like that for Rex?" Tate's voice had grown deadly calm but the underlying fury I head there sent terrifying chills running down my spine.

        "I'm going to the party because I want too. I need to be a highschool teenager for once in my life Tate. I'm tired of being the frightened little panic stricken four year old girl that I am. Rex has nothing to do with it."

        Lie.

        Tate sighed after a tense filled silence passed and shook his head before turning sad looking eyes on me. "You're right baby doll, I'm sorry. The costume looks great." He turned around without another word and left the store. Pain gripped my heart and I had to swallow down a swell of tears before disappearing back into the changing room so Luce wouldn't see.

        Tate was my best friend, and I hated seeing him upset but I felt like I needed to go to this part.

        I couldn't have been more wrong.

-&-

        "Call me if you need anything, alright?" Luce stared hard core at me from the driver's seat as I hopped out of her tiny mini cooper and onto the side walk.

        "Okay Luce, see you later." I gave her a warm smile which she returned before I shut the door and she drove off. Unease filled my stomach as I glanced around the crowded street.

        The place was packed. Cars littered the street and couples stood making out around the side of the house or even sprawled out on the front lawn. Red plastic solo cups sat abandoned in the yard along with beer bottles and oddly enough a couch.

        So this was a high school party... I'm not sure if I liked it or not.

        Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I squeezed through the crowd of grinding couples towards the front steps. I haven't seen Rex in two days, and although I had that terrible feeling brewing in my stomach I couldn't help the small spark of hope. I wanted him to like my costume, I wanted him to like me. I didn't realize till now how far fetched of a hope that was.

        I finally pushed my way into the living room and squealed when I felt grubby hands try to feel me up and grab my butt, but it was awkward and I was slowly growing terrified.

        "Hey cutie." A big blonde jock slurred drunkenly and tried, but failed, to prop himself against the wall attractively.

        "E-excuse me." I mumbled and tried to push past him but he blocked my way.

        "You're Rex's girl, right?"

        My heart stopped at his question and I paused long enough to glance up at him. "Who told you that?" I asked curiously, and his dirty green eyes flashed triumphantly.

        "That's what everyone's saying, cute stuff. After he beat the hell out of Jason he made sure the whole school knew you were off limits."

        My heart squeezed in my chest at his words and warmth flooded my stomach. "R-really?" The jock rolled his eyes and his words began to slur.

        "Yeah swure, whatevvaaa. Why don't we gwo somewhare weah?"

        So much for me being off limits...

        "No thanks, I'm actually looking for Rex..." I tried to push past him again but he wouldn't move.

        "I like ywer costwumee." His propped position against the wall began to slump.

        "T-thanks..." I didn't need to worry much longer about him though, his dull green eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell against the floor in a drunken coma... gross.

        I cautiously stepped around his giant body and pushed my way into the crowded den, where low and behold, I found my Rex propped against a wall looking as calm as ever. His dark eyes skated across the room slowly and I felt that warm tingly feeling breech my stomach whenever he was near.

        He wasn't dressed up like everyone else, but his easy looking dark blue jeans and black t-shirt with his dark jacket thrown over it was enough to make my mouth water. All I wanted was to walk into his giant arms and let him shield me from this crowded mess, but the minute Rex's dark eyes landed on me they widened to the tenth degree and I knew my foolish hopes were just that... foolish.

        I gulped nervously and smoothed out the dark checkered skirt of my costume as his dark eyes turned cold as ice. I felt naked, exposed, and the way some people were staring at me starting to make me fidgety.

        I watched as Rex's angry form pushed it's way through the crowded den and I resisted the urge to back away in fear. The warmth that once blossomed in my stomach at the sight of him was gone. "What the fuck are you wearing?" His voice was like an icy dagger as it cut through what little confidence was keeping me here in the first place.

        My eyes darted nervously across his furious face as he stared down at me with gritted teeth. I thought steam was going to shoot out of his ears at any minute from how angry he looked. H-he didn't like it...? I knew it! But Luce was so sure and I-

        I took a deep breath and patted down the front of my costume again, trying to force back the pain of tears that suddenly stung my eyes. "I-It's my costume." I murmured slowly but kept my eyes cast to the floor. I didn't want to see the probably hateful look he was giving me.

        "Luce picked it out, even though Tate said I should have stuck with the cute Tinker Bell costum, but Luce said this looked cute and I-" My nonsensical rambling was immediately cut off by a painful grip on my arm that tugged me forward.

        "You should have stuck with the fucking Tinker Bell costume. You look like a tramp. I can't believe your sister would let you wear that." Rex's eyes were filled with pure hate and something I would only describe as disgust as he threw the jacket he was wearing over my shoulders and dragged me through the crowd.

        Tears filled my eyes.

        He thought I looked like a tramp? W-was I? Oh god, I probably did look like one. But I didn't want him to think that! I wanted him to like the costume! I wanted him to like me! But now he hates it and he things I'm some kind of tramp!

        "Stay right fucking here and don't move unless you see Trey... got it?" He sneered when he finally pulled me towards a vacant wall at the back of the crowded room. I nodded viciously even though he kept his gaze pointed away from me, his beautifully sculpted jaw clenched and his eyes flared a deadly fire.

        "I told you not to fucking come here Rosalyn." He growled as he released the death grip he had on my bare arm and stomped off in the opposite direction, with out sparing a glance back. I watched with wide and watery eyes as he walked over to a beautiful blonde headed girl wearing a rather decent butterfly costume.

        She didn't smile as Rex approached her but when he leaned down to tell her something she nodded and followed him out of the room. The tears finally fell from my eyes.

        Of course he wouldn't like this costume. I should have known he thought I would look like some slut or something. I'm so stupid... Of course he would walk off with a beautiful girl who actually wore a modest outfit.

        This was so pointless! I only wanted him to like me and I ended up dressing like a slut and pushing him away! This was such a bad idea! It was only right to leave me here and wander off with her, I would have too. Who would want to be with me anyway? Why would Rex want to be with me?

        I didn't wait for Trey like he said, instead I took off running for the front door, his jacket flying off my shoulders in the process. I pushed through the mass of people crowding the living room as the tears poured down my cheeks

        My fault.

        This was all my fault and Rex hates me now. He wouldn't even look at me! This was such a stupid idea! I never should have let Luce buy this costume. I never should have dressed up. I should have stayed home like Rex wanted me to in the first place. I knew this was a bad idea, than why did I insist to come?

        I burst through the front door and raced down the sidewalk as I wiped aimlessly at my cheeks. The sidewalk looked blurry as I stumbled my way down it in a blurry eyed, skanky costume, mess. I didn't care that it took Luce thirty minutes to drive me here by car. I'll I cared about was getting away. I had no idea where I was going or how long I was running but I finally collapsed to my knees next to a tree a few streets later.

        My striped thigh high stockings were covered in dirt but I didn't care as I leaned against the thick trunk and buried my face in my hands. Tears fell from my eyes in horrible sobs and it took all my will power to try and hold onto at least one breath of air... but I couldn't.

        Rex thought I was a tramp. He walked off to be with a different girl who didn't need to dress like a slut to get his attention. He left me there by myself against a wall with no one... but I deserved it. I shouldn't have hoped for anything better.

        I knew he could never want me. I knew he could never like me. I knew all along. It was just a silly little girl hope that I could ever gain his attention in a way that was positive instead of negative. I knew no one could ever like me that way.

        They always said no one would care. They always said no one would ever like some one like me... no one could ever love me. They drilled it into my head, and they were right. No one could ever like some one like me... especially Rex.

        I was so stupid to think I ever had a chance with him. They were right, they were always right.

        It was getting harder to breathe. My throat felt like it was tightening. My lungs felt like they wanted to cave in. I clasped my hands to my chest when my breathing started coming in short painful pants.

        Hyperventilating.

        I was hyperventilating and that was never a good thing. I-I couldn't breathe. It felt like my lungs had shut down and black dots were beginning to dance across my vision.

        No.

        No, no, no, no! Please no! Not again!

        I doubled over in fear. One hand clutched to the tree while my other scratched helplessly at my throat. I couldn't breathe! I couldn't see! The black dots had widened across the expanse of my vision and now all I saw was an empty void.

        And then panic sets in.

        I began screaming, and not just helpless little girl screams, but full bellied, tear your ear drums out, screams. My hands went from my throat to my head as I twirled them in my hair and pulled viciously at the long tendrils. But I couldn't feel the pain. The panic was too much.

        I couldn't see. I couldn't see. They're going to come! They always came when I was like this. Breathe. Air... I needed air... But I can't breathe... They're coming.

        Can't see, can't breathe.

        Panic. Darkness.

        Can't-

        "Rosalyn!"

        I could barely hear the voice, but I knew it was there... yet I couldn't stop screaming. I couldn't stop pulling viciously at my hair even though my scalp was sore and badly throbbing.

        "Rosalyn stop!"

        Can't see, can't breath.

        Panic.

        Darkness.

        They're coming.

        I screamed louder.

        "Roza stop! Please!"

        Someone was talking. Telling me to stop... but I couldn't. All I felt was fear, my fear, and the panic it brought with it. They were right, they were always right. I don't know why I bothered trying to fit in, why I bothered trying to get people to like me.

        Everyone would leave me in the end, just like they said. I was going to die alone, useless, and broken. Who would want some one like that? I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be around these people. These people with so much life and love, people with a reason to live... a purpose.

        Did I have a purpose?

        No. I was useless.

        Just like they always said.

        I wasn't screaming anymore, but that was only because oxygen would no longer enter my lungs. I felt someone there, someone besides me, helplessly shaking me by the arms, but dead silence was the only thing that reached my ears.

        Everything was so dark, so quiet... and my chest hurt... Why did my chest hurt? What was going on? Why couldn't I see? I tried to reach my hands out but my body felt so heavy and I couldn't move a muscle.

        But I think that was okay... It didn't matter really, that my body was shutting itself down or that I was running my own mind into insanity, because I lost all consciousness soon after and all I knew was darkness.

-&-

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