< -- thirty - two -- >

• •

My eyes shifted between the image of my possible paternal grandfather and myself. I thought that it would take longer for me to find the resemblance or a clue. I thought it would take me weeks or months but in the matter of thirty minutes with a quick search on Google, I found November and his family.

Clicking the plus sign at the top of my internet browser to add another tab, I searched November Fluor's parents then pressed enter. Within two seconds several pictures of the smiling couple filled the screen.

Majority of the pictures were from the past ten years but I wanted to see images from when Grandpa Fluor's hair was completely jet black. Scrolling back to the top I went back to November's wikipedia and read it again stopping at the name of his father, Leon Fluor. Searching just his name my heartbeat went into overdrive as I scrolled through his old college images that looked more like me than I did myself. It was kind of creepy.

Placing my phone against the laptop screen with my current selfie, it was clear as day. From Leon passed down to November then passed on to me was my head shape and jaw structure. From my eyebrows down to my nose, it was shaped just like Grandpa Leon. My mouth and smile was from my mom. So what the hell did I get solely from November?

Opening a new tab, I typed in November Fluor singing solo into Youtube. Several videos loaded of him in a studio, him behind a keyboard, and even him singing acapella. Just as I was about to click a video with him teaching a song that was for beginners, there was a video underneath it of him holding a guitar.

Taking in a deep breath I clicked the video that was posted back in 2007 and turned the volume up enough to hopefully not get caught since my headphones were on my nightstand and I didn't want to get up to grab them.

'Hey you guys, I know it's been a little minute since I've posted a video but there's always music going on in my head. Always. I just don't always want a camera directed at me when I sing, you know?" He adjusted the guitar in his lap. 'So you all know that my love for the keyboard is undeniable. I could go on and on about it but over the past year Bodie has been teaching me the bass and I gotta say," He gave a smirk and I found myself doing the same as I watched him. 'The bass is soul moving. It makes your pulse quicken when you first feel it and I love it. On my own time I've been practicing on my new baby here.' He looked down at the dark blue bass guitar. 'His name- I know, I'm one of those people who name their instruments.' He smiled at the camera. Leaning forward in my chair I turned up the volume. 'But yeah, it's a boy and,' He gently strummed the chords just as a soft sniff was almost covered if you weren't listening hard enough, "and his name is Lars-Larson.' He wiped over his eyes then smiled again at the camera. 'His name is Larson and I love him so much."

Pausing the video, I leaned back in the chair with my bottom lip tucked under my top row of teeth. What have I gotten myself into? I knew that watching this video was only making my curiosity grow. I had even more questions with every minute that passed and they weren't only for November. There were so many things I wanted to ask my mom but wasn't prepared to hear her side. I still hadn't let myself sit and unravel the fact that mom knows exactly who November is and never told me. That she was exceptional at keeping secrets and a cheater!

They do say once a cheater always a cheater . . . but she was my mom and I couldn't fathom the thought of her stepping out on my dad- David, yet here I am as proof that she did. Did she do it more than once? When November came to the house, were those pictures Cas took the end of them completely? Did mom meet him another time?

It was becoming more difficult to smile in my mother's face when her choices in life were now making me question mine.

'There is a song that I want to play for you guys by a band that I am a fan of. I would love to meet them especially since I've been told that I sound like Adam Levine but anyway,' he laughed, 'here is today's song . . . I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen. She left before I had the chance to say."

There it was. Every song in the car, every lyric paired with a guitar note, every crack I endured as my voice changed throughout puberty, every high pitched note in the shower, every song I sang as if my heart was telling someone else's story sounded just like his.

'Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking why does this happen to me. Why does every moment have to be so hard?"

Just like my dad's.

There was a quick knock at my door when it opened and I slammed my laptop shut, almost cracking it with my phone stuck in between the top and keyboard just as my mom walked in. Tossing my phone aside then turning to face her, her eyes shifted from me to the laptop, back to me then to the laptop. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." I wiped my forehead feeling like the heat had to be on in just my room. It was hot as hell so suddenly. "I'm great. What's up?"

"Are you sure?"

"Totally sure. I'm sure I'm sure."

"You know," she looked over her shoulder then stepped into my room closing the door a little, "if you're needing to have your personal time-" She air quoted.

"Mom-"

"I can buy you a sign that says stay out and put it on your door when you're-"

"Mom-"

"I'll know exactly what that means-"

"Mom no." I covered my face praying for a sinkhole.

"I won't even come up to the second floor and I'll make sure your sister doesn't either-"

"Mom, I wasn't doing that. Please stop."

"But the way that you jumped when I walked in Lars."

"Mom please stop." I pushed my hair back pulling firmly at the roots, embracing the pain. "I'm begging you to end this conversation."

"I mean it is natural son and nothing to be embarrassed about. As I curious young man you-"

"We're not doing this!" I jumped out of my chair to help guide her back into the hall where she must've gotten lost. "Not having this conversation. Ever."

"Lars-"

Opening my bedroom door, she took the hint and stepped out. "If I ever have a question I have the internet or I'll ask Ethan. I'll even take it to the grave at this point." I closed the door at her back then knocked my head against it hoping that the last five minutes of my life didn't just happen. "Why?"

"I think you should ask the internet what your life expectancy is if you keep leaving hickeys on your girlfriend's neck." Her muffled voice came through the door. Cracking it open, I apologized for my previous behavior from weeks ago. "All I ask is that you be smart and be safe, okay?"

Nodding my head promising that I would be, mom left me alone in my thoughts about Neema's hickey covered neck. Soft brown skin scattered with bruises made from the simple pleasures of being able to hear her moan. One specific red mark, almost dark enough to be purple, sat just underneath her collarbone hidden from all eyes only to be a beautiful reminder when she changed at night.

Giving space to someone you really wanted to be around and talk to was harder than I thought but I didn't want to be pushy. I also had to respect her boundaries even if I was barely surviving the first 24 hours.

Searching for November's current residency would be a little more tricky but maybe I could reach out to my newly found . . . brother? But what could I say that wouldn't sound like a stalker? I wondered while pacing my bedroom trying to brainstorm something that wouldn't get me blocked.

I began my search on Instagram first and immediately found his page with over 25 thousand followers with a link in his bio that went to his youtube channel. My thirteen year old brother had several thousand followers while I was struggling to maintain 1,800. A thousand of them are mostly my graduating class.

Several pictures of him and random things like a stack of Harry Potter books. Some of him with his grandparents and plenty of him smiling with November as they traveled to different states. I could feel the tumor of jealousy growing inside as I continued to scroll through his page. Every smile looked genuine. Every caption that said my dad made my heart drop. Was he living my life? Was he getting the attention from a loving father that I've always wanted?

Reading over a few comments from a picture of him with his grandparents at Christmas, a verified blue check behind the name November Fluor brought me to my father's page. He had even less pictures than Ivan and more followers. Scrolling though his page and seeing the life Ivan was blessed to live, pictures of him when he was in elementary school down to when he was learning how to walk all the way to the announcement of Ivan's adoption made me stop. 

The picture didn't have blue balloons with a congratulations cake or even a woman in the picture that could've been his mom. Someone else had snapped a photo of November sitting outside surrounded by the earth's greenest trees, Ivan was wrapped in a pale green blanket that had his name printed all over. Wrapped like a little burrito, sleeping in the calm hands of his father, November just looked at his son lovingly with the caption, day one with Ivan. There were over four hundred thousand comments that I didn't care to read after skimming over the first few hundred congratulations.

Scrolling through a few more pictures of him posted years apart with a pin in hand or a notebook with a pin and coffee, I found the blue guitar with a caption that made me wonder if this was a sign for me to continue trying to meet him.

_novemberfluor: Went out and bought this beauty after receiving the best news of my life!! Meet my new baby boy Larson💙 #happybirthdaytome

July 4, 2007

"No way." I stood up, running both hands over my face. "No way. I sound just like him and we share the same birthday?"

I needed to talk to somebody about this! Grabbing my phone ready to call Ethan, I remembered that we ended our call because he was going to talk to Sanai. Hoping that they would still be relating about random things, I took a deep breath and pressed the phone icon under her contact.

Putting it on speaker as I paced my bedroom once again taping the edge of my phone against my lip, it rang and rang. My racing heart slowed as the call went to voicemail. Leaving a simple message asking her to call me back when she was ready to talk, I hung up.

I needed to rest and think of my next step.

Taking off my shirt, I tried to toss it in the hamper but only made it to the edge as it hung mostly on the floor. I powered down the sensors and waited for my arm to be released from the suction. Pulling the bionic arm off, I cleaned it off then placed it on its rack like the beautiful trophy it was. Mentally reminding myself to ask mom about needing to get it looked at due to the fax machine noise it made, I connected my phone to the bathroom speaker and played my favorite band as the hot water sprayed through the area that used to be my left arm and hit my side.

"Happy birthday to me."

• • •

A/N: Hey hey! So real quick, even though I haven't updated this book in about 3 years, their year is still the same. For my mathematicians, I know the dates aren't adding up with when he was born to 2025 but this is also a book to lets pause time. Also, I know that Goodnight Goodnight By Maroon 5 was released in '08 and Lars was born in '07 but the song fit too perfectly, I couldn't pass it up. 

In the past 3 years 3 chapters is all I got. I've explained how my life went over the years but I am sorry and will try my best to get back at it with all my stories. Hope you enjoyed!