< -- thirty - one -- >

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My life came from a night of regret if you look at it from my mother's point of view. My life came from a night of adultery if you look at it from my father's- David's point of view, but from my birth father's point of view, I wasn't a mistake. I wasn't an everyday reminder that the love of his life stepped out. To my birth father, I was something beautiful. I was a child that he wanted to raise. A baby he wanted to hold close to his chest fresh after childbirth needing skin to skin. I was a baby he wanted to hold his arms out to while taking my first steps. He wanted those tiny hand squeezes and slobbery toothless kisses. He wanted to witness my growth from baby, toddler, child then teen. He wanted just a small portion of me even though I was half his.

Why wouldn't she give him that- me that?

After the fireworks were done and parents were carrying away their sleeping babies. Other kids ran around with less energy rubbing their eyes trying to seem more energized than they truly were. Modern Bliss talked among themselves as they packed up their things. Ellie walked around with a trash bag collecting any trash that was still discarded on anyone's lawn or in the road. Everyone seemed to be good about cleaning up their mess since this was our neighborhood.

Mom made sure to hand out as many cupcakes as she could before covering the last few and taking them in the house. Giving a soft smile as she passed while I folded the chairs my smile dropped as soon as she entered the house. I needed to figure out who my birth father was without upsetting her. Was that even possible? Hell if I knew.

Without going to her and straight up asking who she had an affair with left me no choice but to sneak around and figure it out on my own. If I asked mom about it she would either fall apart or clam up and in turn, Ellie would want to know why mom was sad since she apparently saw everything.

Taking out my phone, I went to Neema's contact picture and hovered over the call button. I wanted to talk to her so badly but Sanai was right. I needed to let her have some space. Maybe tomorrow will be better or even sometime next week. The worst part was playing the waiting game because she could be thinking the worst of me while I was waiting for a chance to explain.

Exiting out of my contacts then clicking on the Google search bar, I typed in 9teen° while my heart pounded louder in my ears almost matching the noise of the fireworks that still lit up the night sky from other parties. Several articles popped up as well as a few pictures to encourage you to look through Google Images. Clicking through the images I scrolled through the group of six unsure of who my dad was. I couldn't see a resemblance in any of them. More digging had to be done and that meant I would need all baby pictures of myself.

Once outside was clean and everything was once again quiet, I sat at the kitchen table while mom moved around still putting away the bar-be-que. Her skin that was usually pale due to being at the hospital for long hours now held a pinkish tint from the sun. "Did you enjoy yourself today? I didn't go overboard, did I?" She asked, turning towards me with a blue tupperware lid in her hands.

"Everything was great mom, thanks." I smiled.

"Modern Bliss." Her dark brows rose to her hairline. "And that lead singer."

"Sanai?"

"They were amazing! I was completely blown away by her voice. Where did Ethan find them because I searched everywhere in this town for a band. I had to jump through hurdles to book that DJ just to have him cancel on me, luckily there was a replacement."

"They're from Jacksonville."

"They drove that far?"

"I guess getting your name out there is worth the hours on the road." I shrugged casually.

"I will definitely purchase their first album. They have a new fan plus some of the other neighbors as well. There was a lot of talk about how well they are and so many people kept dancing." She moved her shoulders left and right then snapped her fingers in a little dance.

She was right though, there were always several groups of people dancing no matter the song. There were times that even the kids would stop playing tag or throwing water balloons long enough to dance to the song Sanai was singing. I even caught Ethan bobbing his head to the beat when he wasn't lost in her beauty or occupied with something else.

"I was pleasantly surprised to see you singing up on stage though." Her smile widened and I knew exactly where this conversation was going. "That song you sang, is that special between you and Neema? Like that's your song?"

Picking at the corner of a random piece of birthday confetti still decorating the table, I nodded my head. "I guess you could say that."

"You two are so cute." She turned back to the leftovers and resumed putting them away. "Who would've thought that after years of being apart that you guys would find each other again and become a couple. That is just too cute." If she only knew. "I didn't see her after the song though. Was she not feeling well?"

"She only came to the party to say she was going to stay with her dad for the summer."

"Oh, well at least you two have each other's numbers. You can text and video chat anytime. Technology is amazing." As long as she doesn't hate me, sure.

Humming in response, I watched mom put away the food and thought about how she could keep my birth father a secret with no shame. How could she look me in the eyes for seventeen years and never have the thought to tell me that David wasn't my father. That his cold looks and favoritism towards Cas was because I was an affair baby. How could she give hug after hug every night and watch as I put my guitar away and still not say anything? Was she going to take her secret to the grave?

"Did you hear me?"

"Huh?" I blinked several times, rubbing a hand over my face. "What did you say?"

"I ask you to check on your sister for me please."

"Sure." Getting up from the table and heading upstairs, I stopped at the bathroom and knocked three times to get my sister's attention. "Ellie?" Hearing the shower run with no response I knocked again. "Ellie?" Waiting a few seconds to hear the sound of water being squeezed out of a washcloth or a rush of it going down the drain, I knocked with more force. "Ellie, I know you hear me knocking." Cracking the door open and covering my eyes, the heat from the hot water hit me first. "Eloise?" I called out then peeked through my fingers when the door wouldn't budge any further. Ellie sat behind the door in her bathrobe with her toothpaste covered toothbrush in hand.

Taking her picture for future bribery purposes, I took her toothbrush then nudged her foot until she woke up. Immediately rubbing her eyes with the hand that would've had the toothbrush in it, I regretted taking it away so soon.

"Hm?" She stretched.

"Mom said you've wasted enough water." I turned off the shower. "Brush your teeth and go to bed. Sleep on top of your covers or on the floor and shower in the morning." I handed over her toothbrush then left to go to my own room.

Taking off my shirt and tossing it on the floor, I took out my phone and brought up Neema's contact once again. Would she answer if I called or would she watch it ring? Would she automatically send me to voicemail? Or maybe she blocked me. That would definitely suck.

Turning on my laptop, I decided to call Ethan instead.

Answering the call while rubbing a towel through his wet hair, Ethan put his glasses back on and turned out a light. "Hey." He greeted me without looking at the camera that was facing the ceiling.

"How'd it go?" I asked, hoping for some good news.

"How'd what go?"

"You and Sanai! I saw you two talking when the party was over. Did you get her number? Did you? Did you? Did you?" I annoyingly questioned as his face came into view. I was feeling confident that something happened before they left the party.

"What made you think I would ask for her number? I barely had enough courage to give her the damn cupcake and they were for everyone!"

Leaning back in the chair as I typed in my laptop's password, I adjusted the phone slightly against the stack of music books. "Come on man. Please tell me you didn't let the perfect opportunity to get a beautiful girl's number pass you by. Please tell me you asked for her number."

"I didn't ask for her number." Letting my head fall back, I groaned in frustration. "She asked for mine."

My head snapped up so fast that my chin hit my chest and I almost bit my damn tongue. "What?"

"Don't make me say it again." He covered his scarlet face. "It's embarrassing!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm the guy! I should've been the one to ask, right? Guys should be confident enough to ask a girl for her number. Now she's going to think I'm too scared to take the first step on anything!"

"Asking for someone's number isn't a masculine or feminine thing Ethan."

"She also asked for a hug then kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear that I'll be hearing from her soon." Feeling my mouth form into an o, I didn't respond and chose to open a web browser instead. "Yeah, I was pretty speechless too."

"There's nothing wrong with liking someone that takes charge. She might've felt like the opportunity was going to pass her by if she didn't take a chance. You know, girls like shy guys too and Sanai is a prime example." I typed 9teen° song writers in the search bar and clicked the magnifying glass. "I'm not going to judge you when I ask this. I just want to know." Ethan rolled his eyes. "Did you like it?"

The video call went silent as he looked at everything but me and his neck began to take on a cherry color. Not wanting him to abruptly end the call, I clicked the first link and scrolled through the annoying ad videos that automatically play and pictures that have nothing to do with what I'm looking for.

"I didn't . . . hate it." He whispered.

Keeping my eyes on my laptop while nodding my head, I know Ethan was feeling vulnerable about his confession and was waiting to see if I would make a joke about it but I had no plans to. If he liked girls that took control, that had nothing to do with me. I wasn't having sex with him.

Songwriters for album Nevertheless: November Fluor, Jason Timble, Craig Drewmount, Constance Williams and Bailey Grans.

There were five songwriters for their first and second album, seven for the third album then four for their fourth and fifth. The songwriters' names would switch out every album but there were three names that stuck out to me and one name that was a band members.

"November Fluor."

"Who's that?" Ethan asked.

"He's one of the songwriter's from my dad's band."

"Oh yeah. Wasn't he the guy that plays the keyboard?"

Opening a new tab, I typed in his name and clicked Wikipedia to read over his life story. Silently reading over his birthplace and when he started playing the keyboard, I scrolled down until it mentioned the adoption of his son Ivan who was now thirteen years old.

"It says that he has a son but you said only two band members had kids."

"Sites are wrong all the time. I didn't look into the band anymore that day. I was kind of leaving it up to you just in case you changed your mind about wanting to find out who he is. Plus, celebrities sometimes like to keep their kids hidden from the world."

I think I've been hiding for long enough.

"I've never met someone with the name November." I heard Ethan say.

Shifting my eyes from the laptop over to my phone, Ethan had sat up to prop his own phone against something while he typed on the laptop that was in his lap.

"I'm not surprised at anything anymore. I hooked up with a girl named August and her sister's name was April."

"Were either of their birthdays in those months?"

"I think one was in June and the other was in December." We both laughed but then Ethan's smile dropped as he looked at the screen. "What's wrong?"

"She wants to know if I'm busy. She wants to talk. Lars, she's actually texting me! I don't know what to do!" His voice rose higher and higher as he grabbed the phone.

"Woah! Calm down!"

"Hoooow? She wants to talk to me! What do I say?" His brown wide eyes moved quickly over the screen as he kept reading the message.

"First, you should calm down and tell her that you're not busy."

"B-But-"

"You're not busy. You're just talking to me and we can talk later." The screen vibrated and his eyes grew even larger as he read over the text. It made me wonder if she was sexting but seeing how he was having a nosebleed, it could be something more simple. "What'd she say?"

"That it's not her turn to drive yet so I didn't have to worry about her being reckless." His phone vibrated again. "She asked for my opinion about the band."

"She's going to stop texting you if you don't reply."

"I don't know what to say."

"The truth!" I laughed. "Do you think Modern Bliss was trash?"

"Of course not!" His voice cracked at the high pitch. "They're amazing! Absolutely worth the extra money I was trying to give her."

My eyes slid over to my cell phone screen. "What extra money?" I frowned.

"I offered Sanai $200 after she asked for my number. She didn't take it, kind of frowned at me a little but then Elias took it and said they would use it for gas money."

Shaking my head, I told him to text her back. Within two minutes of his reply, his phone started to vibrate continuously. Already knowing that she was calling him, I told him to be strong and hung up.

Licking over my bottom lip feeling my piercings rotate against my tongue, I stared at the black letters on my screen. What was I going to do once I found out who my birth father was? Ask him if he remembered his one-night stand from seventeen years ago?

Leaning back in the chair rubbing both hands over my face, I felt like maybe this was a waste of time. Finding out who my dad was would only make my mom upset. She wasn't proud of what she did and I was already an everyday reminder.

I couldn't imagine watching my wife grow with child from another man. Did I want to add to her stress while she was going through separation from David? What would happen if she found out what I was doing and banned me from looking any further? I was still a minor in the eyes of the law but I had my own car and money to get me to wherever he was.

Pressing the home button at the top of the web browser, I typed November Fluor into the search bar with the addition of the word family and pressed enter. The first row of pictures were of him and a young boy at several awards. The boy's dark hair was cut short in one of the pictures, his brown eyes sparkled against the paparazzi's harsh camera lights as he smiled next to November.

Clicking on a random picture of November and the boy walking down the street with pretzels in both of their hands, smiling about something only the two of them thought was funny, I read over the photo's caption.

November with 13 yr. old son, Ivan, coming out of Ben's Pretzels

Ivan didn't look like November but neither did I. What happened to his mom?

Exiting out of the picture, I scrolled to the fourth row, three from the left, when one specific one caught my attention. Clicking on the picture, it enlarged as did my eyes. The caption read, November with his parents. His mother's smile was beautiful. Her green eyes were slightly squinted from the paparazzi's bright lights as she stood in between November and his father.

November's dad smiled like a proud father. His silver hair held a few black strands from his youth. His shoulders wide and strong probably from all the nights he carried his sleeping grandson to bed.

Not wanting to depress myself with all of the things I've missed from the possible grandparents I've never met, I looked at November's dad more thoroughly and noticed his mitch matched eyes. The shape of his eyebrows and narrow nose.

Grabbing my phone to find a selfie in my gallery, I frowned at the few pictures that were of random things or images I've saved of guitars and cars. Was it normal for a seventeen year old to not have a recent picture of themselves?

What was I supposed to do? Stare into the camera while biting my bottom lip? Look off into the distance?

"Fuck it." Looking into the small camera at the top of my phone, I snapped the photo and tried not to cringe.

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