https://youtu.be/W-w-wmXWt3k

< -- twenty - six -- >

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Opening the double doors I held a firm grip on the doorknobs feeling my arm shake at the invasion of his scent. Tears slipped from my eyes dripping to the collar of my shirt. Jaw held tight, I fought to gather myself.

This wasn't fair. It wasn't his time.

"FUUUUUUCK!" I fell to my knees punching the ground. "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Not feeling the pain like I deserved I switched to my normal hand punching with more force. "It's not fair! It's not fair! It wasn't . . . fucking . . . fair." I crumbled to the floor covering my face. My chest burned with pain, pain was so hot that it touched my soul.

Cas was my best friend. The best big brother anyone could ask for. I was nothing of a brother to Ellie compared to him. He made her laugh. Played dolls even when he didn't want to. People loved him. He was always the life of the party. Laugh contagious to anyone within earshot.

It wasn't his time

"What did I do?" Pulling my knees up I cried out for my brother. "Cas, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The tears kept coming. Unable to wipe them fast enough I let them fall to the floor until they dried to my face. My throat felt worse than this morning, so dry that the simple movement to swallow spit hurt.

Rolling over to my back I looked at the amount of clothes Cas had. Double racks on each wall were full of tops and bottoms organized by color. Our family had money but most of the things we wore were simple. Most of our clothes were bought for events we had to go to for our parents.

The floor wasn't as full but held several pairs of shoes still in the boxes and his favorite pair of crocs closest to the door. I rolled my eyes feeling the pain in moving my eyes around.

Cas loved his crocs. Always had them on around the house but never wore them out. He had two pairs, a green pair with fur inside when it got cold and a red pair for the summer. They were always ugly to me but he loved them. Seeing a black box against the far wall poorly taped together with duct tape had me curious.

Getting up I shook out my throbbing hand looking at my red knuckles. The pain was forgotten as I grabbed the box taking a seat on the closet floor. I didn't know what to expect but my heart raced regardless, my hands shook slightly as I peeled back the tape. "You damn sap." I chuckled, setting the box top aside.

The picture on top was a blurry baby picture that Cas had taken off Eloise when she first came to us. I remember the day clearly. She had been with us for almost two weeks and Cas had gotten a camera from dad. He always had it in Eloise's face snapping away asking me to hold it carefully so I could take their picture.

The second picture was of me holding her and the next was of her and Cas. Shuffling through them finding pictures of random stuff like the beginning of his baseball collection and Eloise in her crib, there were a few of our parents - or rather their parents.

The pictures were a little blurry and taken at a terrible angle but there was one that grabbed my attention. It was mostly of the white blinds he tried to open for the picture but mom was outside talking to a man that wasn't dad. They were facing each other, mom looked as if she had been crying and the man, it was hard to tell from the side of his face.

He was taller than dad and his hair was more brown. The next picture didn't wasn't any better. They stood the same but mom covered her face and the guy held her by the arms. The next picture shocked me as I stared at them hugging. I was confused knowing that both of my parents were an only child so I had no uncles or aunts to give me cousins.

There were no other pictures after that, just a stack of written love notes to Cas from girls he liked in elementary and middle school. Pushing them all aside I found a letter with our address without a name. Setting the box down with the envelope in hand, I pulled the letter out carefully.

Angie,

I know that I promised to never contact you again but I've missed you. I've never stopped thinking about you and the night we had. Do you remember how long we stayed up afterwards and talked? We talked about things I never said to anyone but you. I trusted you with the truth and still, after nine years, you've kept it all to yourself.

You never went public and I thank you for that but it still eats me up that I can't see Lars. I know that you're still married to that guy or you would have written me back by now. I don't know whether to hope you divorce him so I can be with you, or are you truly happy?

I want to be a bigger part of my son's life, Ang. I would love to eventually meet him. You can even make up a lie about me and say that I'm an old friend from college, I really don't care. I just want to hug him Ang. He's growing up without me. You don't understand how it feels once I'm alone and I think about you two.

I wrote a song for him but I'm afraid to go public with it. My fans and everyone else knows that I write our music. I'm afraid that they'll try to look into my past and find him. I don't want them to come for your family but I hate crying after I read over the lyrics so I sent them with the guitar.

I'm grateful for the school and baseball pictures. Please, if you ever catch him playing the guitar capture the moment for me. It would make me happy to know that he has a love for the bass guitar like I do. Take care of yourself Ang.

~ 9teen°

Flipping the page back over I opened the envelope to see if the lyrics were inside but found nothing. Putting the letter back I stuffed everything back except the pictures of the guy and his letter to mom. Placing it back into the corner I left his room closing the doors behind me.

Hurrying to my own room I tossed it all on my bed going into my own closet to grab Cresette. Putting her on the bed I flipped opened the locks taking a second before opening her up.

Raising my bionic arm I ran my fingers across the chords. I missed the sound of Cresette and the weight of her in my lap. Gliding my hands against the case top I tried to see if the corners pulled off but it was glued down nicely.

I took the guitar out placing her aside hoping that the case bottom would come out but it didn't. Closing the case I shook it to see if any music papers would shift and still heard nothing. "Damn it!" I dropped it to the bed falling in defeat next to it. Staring at the ceiling for a few seconds I got up to pace and think.

Opening the window to help with the thinking process I paced in front of my bed. Arms crossed, tapping against my chin the music had to be somewhere. He said he left it in the case so there must be a hidden compartment that I'm not seeing.

Coming to a halt I turned to the case. "If you want to send your love child a gift without the father finding out. Where would you hide?" I thought for a second then yelled pushing my hair back. "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! THAT'S THE PROBLEM! What in the actually fuckity fuck?"

Sitting on the bed pulling the case towards me, I ran my fingers across the outside, around the edges, pushing on the screws that held the case handle, then the plate that said the name brand and it pushed in. "Oh, shit." Looking around my room, leaning towards the door making sure I was alone, I leaned towards my opened window to see if anyone was walking outside.

Nervously licking my lips I pushed the button to see if it would move anymore and it did until the top popped up. It wasn't easy to tell that the lid was open but I knew and my heart was in overdrive.

Forcing a swallow as I opened the lid there were several dingy pieces of paper. Picking up one that had a note written at the top it read, "My top two favorite songs two play." Reading the song titles I smiled at the names knowing exactly who they both were.

Looking at Cresette there was hesitation to play her again. I didn't know how well I could play anymore. Without being able to feel the chords against my fingertips would be hard . . . but at the moment I wanted to at least try.

Taking my time with setting everything up Cresette was in my lap once again. I sat on the chair near the window in case I wanted to toss the music out and give up forever. "Relax." I reminded myself, placing my fingers against the chords. Beginning with something simple for a warm up I played through Seven Nation Army pausing several times when my hand began to cramp.

Shaking my hand out I looked at them both. My sleek bionic arm that was supposed to make me feel somewhat human. My normal hand that could use some sun with faint scars from the accident spread throughout. Closing my eyes for a brief second I tried to keep myself from going under. I didn't want to keep falling into that dark place of hate.

Correcting my hold on Cresette, I read over the music sheet once then began to play slowly. Going through it several times, pushing through several more hand cramps I could feel the song flowing through me.

Leaning over to the speaker I turned it up placing one earbud in then pulled up the song so I could hear the lyrics while I played. Giving a count off with a tap to my foot I pressed play coming in on the next four count.

Humming along as I played it felt good to be one with Cresette. The vibrations of her bass felt through the floor. Before I knew it I was singing along with Ben E. King. Closing my eyes it felt like I was in another place. Just me and my guitar.

"You think you're going to play in a band when you get older?" Thirteen year old Cas asked, lying on his back in my bed. One foot in the bed with the other dangling he had his baseball mitt on tossing and catching his baseball.

It was a nice day outside and I didn't feel like playing catch just yet. I was getting better with my guitar after two years and I wanted to keep practicing but Cas wanted to play catch. You needed two people to play and I wasn't going to so he fell on my bed and sat while I practiced.

"Maybe." I shrugged. "I don't know anyone else who can play though."

"I can play the drums a little bit."

I stopped playing, "No you can't."

"How would you know?" He sat up to yell at me then laid back down tossing the ball again. "You never want to toss the ball with me since you got that stupid thing anyway."

"Quit being a baby. I toss with you all the time."

"Whatever." I couldn't see his face but I just knew he rolled his eyes.

"Why don't you watch me and learn?"

"Because it's dumb."

"You're dumb! And Ellie likes when I play to her cause she likes me more!"

Cas caught the ball then turned over. "No she doesn't!"

"Ask her." I stuck out my tongue. Cas took off to find our two year old sister leaving me alone with my guitar just the way I liked it.

Feeling the tears drip from my chin I opened my eyes glancing at my bed. "What I wouldn't give to play for you again brother."

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