< -- twenty - five -- >

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What could I say? There wasn’t anyone else in the picture. I made a mistake one night now here she was thinking that I was fucking around since the moment we split. No matter if I told the truth right now or not she wouldn’t believe me.

I stood in front of her with hickies from another girl which made me the bad guy regardless if I wish I could take it back or not.

It’s not what it looks like

Of course that wouldn’t work. 

I’ve missed you

One hundred percent true but she wouldn’t believe me. Probably scoff and call me a liar.

We broke up two months ago. I’m not going to sit and wait around for you.

That wasn’t true at all. A moment of weakness had my body looking like I got sucked on by thirty leeches. Guilt sat on my chest heavy as I looked at Neema.

“What are you doing here?” I went with feeling like it was a safer question. Silent as those beautiful brown eyes looked over each hickey, I grabbed a shirt slipping it over my head. 

Picking up the towel I brushed it over my head several times tossing it over the desk chair. Neema remained quiet, shifting slightly to the left as I walked past her to put my prosthetic back on.

Fighting to keep my eyes on the project at hand, the weight of the room was heavy with question and remorse. Feeling the last piece click in place I turned it on giving it a few moments to connect to the sensors, moving my fingers and wrist once everything was in right. 

Pushing my wet hair back I pulled on my snake bites. Neema’s eyes dropped to my lips widening slightly. 

For a moment I felt hope that she didn’t completely hate me. Afterall, she was in my room without an invite and even stayed after she saw the marks on me. She hadn’t thrown anything or cussed me out . . . yet.

Scooting to the edge of the bed, I called her name softly holding out my hand as a peace offering if she felt the need to break my fingers.

“I came to ask if you could take me to see Cas.”

“Oh.” I dropped my hand as well as my head. “Of course. Sure. Let’s go.”

Grabbing my cell, wallet, and keys, I followed Neema out of my room pausing when she turned to Cas’ bedroom door instead of heading downstairs.

I watched her silently as she stared at the doorknob.  “It’s it - would it,” she swallowed thickly.

“Go ahead.” I encouraged knowing Cas was her friend too. She missed him much like I did.

“Have you . . . been in his room since?” She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

Leaning against my door frame on an exhale I crossed my ankles, “Being in his room brings back a lot more pain that I can’t take. The everyday weight of knowing I took his life is enough.”

Neema looked at me confused. “What do you mean, knowing you took his life?”

Dropping my head I cursed myself for letting it slip. “Nothing babe - Neema.” I quickly corrected standing up.  “Are you ready to go?”

“What did you mean Lars? I want to know.”

“Some things you just don’t need to know.”

“Obviously.” She gestured towards me.

“If you’ve got something to say, then say it Ms. Marshall.”

“Fine.” She took a step towards me squaring her shoulders. “Who gave you those hickeys?”

Shaking my head I knew this was going to come around. I didn’t think it would so soon though figuring we could have a small bonding moment over missing Cas. “Telling you who would solve nothing.”

“It would.”

“What would it solve, Neema?” I ask feeling the taste of irritation on my tongue. “You would still hate me because I messed around with someone else and I would still have to apologize to you, which I am sorry for, okay? I’m sorry that I messed up. My intentions were to never sleep with her -”

“You slept with her?”

Gotdamn it!

Turning away from her I pushed my hair back wishing I could skip this entire conversation and jump to us being at Cas’ grave. “Yes.” I breathed out knowing that I was hammering a nail into the coffin of us possibly dating again. Turning to her I reached out to touch her when she stepped back blinking back tears. “Neema, it was a mistake. I promise you. There was nothing between her and I and there never will me.”

Wiping away fallen tears she gave a humorless laugh. “I don’t know why I’m hurting. It’s not like you and I are together, right. You have the freedom to do as you please. Screw whoever you want.”

“I didn’t want -” to screw her. Was what I was going to say but that was only partially true. No, I didn’t want to have sex with Kelsey per se. I wanted to drink to forget. She wanted to have sex and I needed a place to be able to drink freely. At the time it felt like a win win situation when in reality it was only a win win for her. I woke up with a regretful filled condom and a hangover. 

“You didn’t what Lars? You didn’t want to have sex with whoever she was? Is that what you were about to say?”

“I needed to forget my life and drown myself in alcohol with someone who wasn’t going to stop me or judge me!”

“So, I’m a judgemental bitch now? Great.” She pushed around me heading for the stairs.

“So you’re just going to leave,” I followed after her, “like we’re not in the middle of a conversation. Neema.”

“I’ll just ask your mom to take me another time.”

“Neema!” She opened the front door ready to leave me but I couldn’t let her go. I didn’t want to, not this time. “Prunes!”

Freezing with the open doorknob still in her hand Neema slammed the door shut whirling on me. “When have I ever judged you?” She yelled at me. “Not once. Not one single time have I looked at you with judgmental eyes. I’m always, ALWAYS here waiting for you to open up to me! We were best friends Lars.” Her voice cracked. “You were my best friend. I wanted to be there for you when Cas died. When Ellie fell in the pool. Whenever you have a moment in life when you think you can’t make it and need to speak without being judged or just to get away. I wanted to be that for you.”

Opening my mouth to say she was, she cut me off. “Don’t even fix your mouth to say I am because we both know I'm not. You run Lars. You broke up with me for what reason, I don’t know. Do you?”

“I don’t want to drag you or Ethan under with me!” I shout so damn loud my throat feels scratchy. “I have my dark moments and lately it seems like it’s an everyday thing and I don’t want you two to lose your light because of me.” Walking up to her I cupped her face in both hands rubbing my thumbs against her cheek deciding to hell with the hesitation.

Kissing her lips felt like a summer day of sitting outside strumming against Cassette. Reaching over to take a drink of ice tea. Cool to my hot senses. Sweet enough to make me want more. 

Breaking apart I waited for her dark lashes to separate so I could see my favorite part of her. “I love you Ms. Marshall.”

“Don’t!” She shoved against my chest making me stumble backwards. “Don’t say it like you’re never going to see me again!”

“I already said.” I shrugged with a smirk. “Can’t it back now.”

“It’s not funny Lars. Take it back.”

“I love you.” I stepped towards her as she stepped back.

“Stop saying it.” 

“I love you.” I whispered, matching her voice. Backed against the front door I raised her chin to look up at me. “I’ve loved you since we were kids and you know it.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to say it out loud.”

“I want you to know how I feel about you Neema Marshall. I lo-” Her hand covered my mouth muffling the rest of my sentence.

“You repeating it is not going to make me say it back.”

Removing her hand with a smile I rubbed the inside of her wrist. “You don’t need to. I already know you love me and you already know that your aura is bright and being around someone like me will dim it. As much as I love to stare at you. To sit back and take in your beauty. To stare at the gap in your left eyelashes.”

“It’s not that noticeable.” She covered her eye making me laugh as I removed her hand.

“It’s only noticeable if you stare, which I do. Small nose.” I trail down the bridge of her nose. “Soft skin.” I brushed over her cheeks. “Full lips. Things I love about you.”

“So my looks?” She asked with a raised brow.

“As well as the way you moan when your back arches by the way of my tongue.” I whispered in her ear catching the hitch of her breath. “You’re so perfect Neema and I don’t want to mess that up.”

“I’m your friend first.”

“But I can’t just be your friend. I want you too damn much to keep my hands to myself.” I step back rubbing over my face in exhaustion. “Give me some time to fix myself and we’ll talk again, okay? I want to be better for you and . . .  I’m sorry for messing up. You mean so much to me and I hope you know that.”

“Lars -”

“So for now, stay away.”

Once Neema left I leaned against the door with my forehead fighting against myself to let her leave or to go after her. I wanted to be with her. To laugh and steal kisses. To take her to get milkshakes and argue over five dollars.

With wanting everything to go back to normal, I knew that she needed better. Someone who didn’t let the guilt of their brother’s death hang over them. Someone that didn’t want to drink their problems away or thought about taking their own life on the daily. She needed someone strong and I would work up to it. 

My little sister needed me. Mom and Ethan too. I had people that cared for my well being even if my . . . the man who helped raised me didn’t. There was no point in trying to figure out who my real father was since I came from a one night stand on a drunken night.

The first step to become a better me would be to see my brother.

“Lars.” Jumping up I turn around to see my mom dressed in her scrubs. Tired now seeming like her permanent color of foundation, eyes yet still soft as she smiled. “You are going to be okay. We.” She walked over grabbing my hands. “Are going to be okay.”

“I know mom.”

“Running out of the house like yesterday is something you do often but staying out without a text or call letting your worried mother know that you’re still alive, is something you need to come to terms with. I need to know that you’re okay, wherever you are.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

“You sister was very worried as well.”

“I’ll go talk to her. Where is she?”

“At her friend's house.” She kissed my cheek then covered it with her hand lightly patting me. “We’re going to be okay sweetheart. I promise.”

It took me ten minutes to talk myself into going to Cas’ bedroom which only got me to stand in the hall. It took another fifteen until I opened his door and another five to step over the threshold. 

Cas’ bedroom was large like mine but the interior was completely different. Cas liked to keep his things cleaned. His car always washed and vacuumed out every two weeks. His bed made every single morning. 

Still neatly made up with three large tan pillows against the headboard and one long brown pillow in front of them, the smell of him engulfed my senses immediately bringing tears to my eyes. 

Making my way over to his bed I ran the fingers of my bionic arm across the fabric not yet ready to touch what was once his. Looking to the right, my reflection stared back at me. Taking up the entire wall, Cas' mirror rested against the wall, ‘I need to see myself from every angle,’ He would say when I asked why he needed such a large mirror.

Dust coated the furniture from being unused.The window kept shut as well as the curtains. His closet stayed closed, too embarrassed to let a girl look in his closet for some reason he never explained to me. ‘I can’t explain it. Just . . . you’ll get it when you’re older.’

I still didn’t understand why he always kept his closet closed. The reason mine was kept shut was because I hid Cassette in there. 

Now more interested in what was behind the closed door, I stood in front of them with a gut feeling that going through his things would be wrong. Cas had nothing to hide. He was the amazing kid that loved his family, friends, and baseball. What did my big brother feel the need to keep hidden?

• • •

A/N: Model that portrays Cas is actually Spanish, I know, but he fit my description so well. I had to use him