< -- twenty - three -->

• •

Fourth of July was in two weeks and mom was still determined to have the block party. I wanted to go against it but with everything that she’s been going through it didn’t seem fair to make her cancel the one thing she had fun planning after weeks of worrying about us. 

I had spent weeks apologizing to Eloise making sure she was okay and had everything she needed even when her friends were there giggling about who knows what. The second week of checking on her before she went to bed Ellie asked me to come in so we could talk, she then proceeded to tell me that nothing was my fault. That she should have listened and not cared about being made fun of because her friends would never do that to her.

My heart almost exploded when she wrapped her arms around me, tears falling on my shirt as she begged me to forgive her for being stupid. I was frozen for a few seconds while my sister cried in my arms but quickly put my arms around her in comfort continuing to tell her it wasn’t her fault until she fell asleep.

After tucking her in I checked on mom finding her in the kitchen looking into nowhere particular.

“Mom?”

“Yes?” She jumped blinking rapidly. “Is everything okay?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing.” I said stepping into the kitchen. Tugging at my lip rings I rubbed over my face leaning over the counter. “You look tired.”

“I was going to say the same thing to you.” She looked at me with concern. “I noticed you haven’t left the house much and Ethan or Neema hasn’t come by. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine.” I lied. Telling my mom that Neema and I were over and I was avoiding Ethan would only make her worry. She would want to know what happened and why I ended things with my two best friends but I couldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t understand. No one would.

“Why don’t you invite them over for dinner this weekend? We can grill and you guys can have the backyard the whole night. I’ll see if Ellie wants to spend the night at her friend’s house. It would be fun.”

“I um - Ethan is actually busy making stuff, you know how he gets and Neema . . . is just busy but I wanted to ask you about something.” I quickly tried to cover up my terrible lie. “Back at the hospital . . . What dad said . . .”

Leaving the sentence hanging I watch mom’s face drop as her eyes fell to the counter. Tears in her eyes she shook her head, “He shouldn’t have said that.”

“Which part?”

“All of it.”

“So it’s true? I’m not . . . I’m not his?”

Her silence confirmed everything. That’s why dad - David tolerated me. I was the kid he never wanted. I was actually the kid her never wanted.

“I was selfish.” She sniffed. “Your dad had been contacted from a hospital in Virginia that wanted him to open a urology clinic but I didn’t want to move. We had argued about it for weeks and weeks.” She paused tapping her index finger on the counter. “He had left for three weeks to oversee some things at the clinic . . . a friend of mine wanted to go out and her husband agreed to watch Cas for a few hours . . . I um . . . met a guy at the bar and lost my mind for one night.”

We stared at each other in silence trying to decipher the other’s emotions.

My mom had stepped out on her marriage and had a child.

I was a bastard child.

“Lars -” Her voice cracked.

“Do you regret it?”

“What?”

Standing up to leave I no longer wanted to hear if she regretted me or if she was too far along to abort me. I needed to leave.

Walking away I heard mom call after me tears choking her as she begged for me to wait a second but I couldn’t be in that house another second. I needed fresh air and time to think of how fucked up things were getting.

Grabbing my keys I shut the front door behind me getting in my car to drive around until I ran out of gas or a place came to mind.

Never cared for the taste of alcohol but all I wanted to do was drink my life away. I was a child of a freaking affair. Never in a million years did I think my mom would step out on my dad. I thought their marriage was full of love until I messed everything up when I was a problem from the very beginning. My excestience was a problem the minute she found out she was growing a child from a one night stand.

Yet somehow my dad - David welcomed me to the best of his ability. He didn’t show me the same affection he did Cas and Eloise but he didn’t show that he hated my being until his birth son was pronounced dead.

Why would she keep me knowing her husband didn’t want me? Why would she purposely try to force her husband to love a child that came from a night of his wife being unfaithful?

I couldn’t fully understand either side of my parent’s or rather mom and David. 

Coming to a red light my phone vibrated in the cup holder showing a text from Kelsey asking if I was up.

Looking at the phone until it no longer showed my lock screen I debated what I should do. Obviously, she was trying to get me to come over. This wasn’t the first time I got a late night text from her but it was out of the blue and the last time we spoke she thought Neema and I were lying and now she was taking a chance to prove that we were but I didn’t care. Neema and I were over and Kelsey only wanted sex. She always only wanted sex and at this moment I needed a distraction. Hopefully she had alcohol.

“Didn’t think you would come.” Kelsey gave a sultry look. Leaning on the door she wore the shortest pair of navy blue shorts I had ever seen with a white tank top that showed her beaded pink nipples.

Stepping inside I brushed passed her heading for the stash of alcohol. “Your parent’s keep the booze in the same place?”

“Um, yeah?”

Walking in the den I flipped on the light going straight for the bar. Caring less about a cup I grabbed the first drink within reach popping the cap off. Ignoring the strong scent and Kelsey calling my name I brought the drink to my lips gulping as much as I could forcing myself not to bring it back up as it hit my stomach.

On the fifth gulp the bottle was snatched from my hands, “What the fuck Lars? What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Getting drunk obviously.” I went to grab the bottle of patron when she pulled it out of my reach.

Rolling my eyes I went for the next drink. “Good ole’ Jackie.” I smirked grabbing the bottle of Jack Daniels taking off the cap to swallow as much as my body would allow.

“Lars, cut it out!” Out the corner of my eye I could see her reaching for the bottle so I grabbed her wrist with my normal hand continuing to force the dark liquid down. “Lars! What the hell is wrong with you! Cut it out! I didn’t call you over here for this!” Trying to push past me her beaded nipples rubbed over my arm making me remember that this was a dick call.

Slamming the bottle down I wiped over my mouth blowing out my burp to the side as I pulled her to me. “I forgot that this is what you wanted.” Not giving her a chance to say anything I kissed her hard pushing my tongue in her mouth taking control of the kiss.

I didn’t want to take our time as if this was a sweet make out session. She wanted to have sex and I wanted to . . . I wanted a new life.

Picking her up I placed her on the counter stepping between her legs breaking our kiss long enough to pull her tank top over her head.

“Mm Lars.” She moaned in my ear pushing her fingers through my hair as I kissed over her chest down to her breast. Arching her back once I flicked her nipple with my tongue.

Pulling back she pushed at my chest with two fingers jumping down from the bar. “Let me.” She licked her lips dropping down to her knees.

---    ---    ---

Hearing a faint ringing in the distance I kept my eyes shut as my senses came back to me as well as the feeling of vomit rising in my throat.

Scrambling off the floor covering my mouth hoping that nothing would slip through I made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up my insides. Everything hurt. My throat felt raw. My nose burned from the smell. My back hurt like hell, my elbow and knees were sore too. 

Spitting in the toilet I wiped my mouth struggling to the sink to rinse my mouth with cold water and the mouthwash I found under the sink. Tossing some water on my face I looked in the mirror grimacing at the hickeys covering my neck and chest. Turning around to look at my back, red scratches covered my shoulder blades. “Shit.” I really had sex with Kelsey.

Easing down the hall back to the den I peeked out the window into the dark sky. Picking up my scattered clothes as quietly as possible I pulled my shirt over my head as my cell vibrated near Kelsey’s head.

Stepping over her shorts I grabbed my phone putting it on silent when I saw the used condom hanging on the curve of the table leg. Rubbing at my temples needing to get out of this sex smell I grabbed the condom taking it back to the bathroom to flush.

Hurrying out the house I took my time driving to the only twenty-four hour coffee shop that was open at three in the morning.

Sitting in a booth with a hot cup of coffee I checked my phone scrolling through the fifty-eight missed calls from mom. Ten missed calls from Ethan along with several worried text and two missed calls from Neema and a voicemail.

Checking my voicemail I swallowed nervously listening to Neema’s soft voice on the other end asking me to call my mom back because she was worried, that they all were worried. “I know we haven’t talked in almost two months but I . . . I miss you Lars.” She whispered so low that I almost missed it. My heart ached in pain as last night’s events replayed in my head while I listened to Neema give reasons why I needed to vent and she would listen with a judgment free heart. “I was so scared when you’re mom said you had been gone for over three hours and still hadn’t called her. Then Ethan called me and said he couldn’t get through to you I hoped that maybe you would pick up for me but . . . I guess not . . . Just let someone know you’re safe, please.”

Hanging up I tossed my phone on the table hating myself even more than last night. Rubbing over my face I still had zero answers for myself. Getting drunk and having sex with Kelsey solved nothing. My life still sucked. My real father was someone I didn’t know, my mother still had an affair that made me and David still hated me. 

Finishing my drink I drove home feeling more sick since my stomach was empty and nothing sound appealing enough to eat. I dragged myself to my room pausing as I passed the living room, mom slept on the couch much like the way Eloise sleeps.

Dismissing the idea of waking her up so she'd know I was home. I took one step at a time up to my room pulling the blanket off of my bed as I removed my clothes like a sloth until I was in my boxers, wrapped in my comforter, head resting against the toilet until thoughts of Neema took me to sleep.

• • •

A/N: Don't have sex to try and solve your problems kids