╰─➤ fireflies, a million little pieces,
                 feeds the dying light, and brings me back to life

➳༻❀⏳❀༺➳

as a fair warning, this has some triggering content.
i'm not saying don't read, but do read with caution as with all chapters of this book, really </3

one night three years ago, when the harem looked much smaller than it did now, an unlikely little boy surprised an unsuspecting gang leader.

it was winter at this point, and everyone was in low spirits with the deterioration of the weather and the bad business that seemed to affect everyone in seoul. garnet was no exception, and jeno had been weary as of late.

mark and jaemin were still as happy as ever, and mark was completely clean of drugs now after a year of hardcore rehab and tender loving care. they had been displeased when jeno claimed he needed a night to himself — that he couldn't rest well lately and wanted to try something else.

so here the blue-haired man lay at seventeen years of age, drifting off into restless slumber. nightmares were recurring one after the other and true peace was never within his reach. his lovers had told him to try some sleeping pills, or wake up later in the morning to catch up. but he didn't want to. he didn't wish to become reliant, or to miss the busy workday.

one particularly haunting dream plagued him this night, one that had him breathing shallowly and barely able to get comfortable. towards the end, a giant black cat leapt upon his chest, spreading all of its weight over him so that he couldn't breathe and pressing one paw to his throat, claws out. inside he knew he shouldn't have been so terrified, but the way it's fangs were borne at him and it's eyes were soulless black pits made sweat form at his brow.

he inhaled deeply, trying to sit up but failing and choking when the sharpness on his throat remained. eyes wide open, he stared dazedly at a teenager sitting on his waist, leaning so closely over him that he could smell him. his forearm was pressed tight against jeno's shoulders lengthways and the other hand had a knife pointed to his neck, perhaps drawing a small fleck of blood.

"who..." jeno blinked, trying to wrap his head around someone who'd managed to sneak into his well-protected room. "have we met?"

"don't," the brunette hissed, pushing the blade a little deeper. now that the leader was awake and aware though, he no longer felt so threatened, simply very curious now. the kid couldn't have been older than fifteen, and he was quite cute if you casted aside his frantic, terrified expression and, well, the fact that he was poised to murder.

"do i get to know who's going to kill me?" he tested, not really worried an iota, "or perhaps, why?"

"don't ask questions," he forced out between heavy breaths, clearly petrified and yet so determined. someone had put him up to this, and jeno was quite impressed he'd made it so far. too far, actually.

"got it. no chats," he smiled faintly and shifted his hips a little to discover the teen wasn't actually too stable up there. he took his chance, pushing him up with his waist, even under the sheets, and quickly kicking his leg over to trap the boy in the covers underneath him. the manoeuvre was nearly perfect, but for the knife the brunette wielded and promptly jabbed into jeno's side before he could debilitate him.

they both stared at each other, faces inches apart and the realisation of what had just happened sinking in.

"oh..." jeno swallowed, taking one hand away and reaching down to the other's fist gripping the weapon. he was trembling, and hadn't gotten a fatal location but wasn't far off. the leader took his wrist and pulled it away with the knife still firmly in his hold. warm blood soaked up his side quickly and he bit back a groan from the pain.

"shit," the kid gasped, coming to his senses and trying to regain control, but he messed up his chance and the blue-haired teen pinned both his wrists above his head, the dagger dropping down by the pillow.

"name, please," jeno insisted, focusing on his face instead of the burning wound. "let's play nice so i don't have to torture you."

"no!" the other hissed, kicking his legs out and finding himself hopelessly enveloped in the duvet from the waist down. his chest was rising and lowering rapidly and one would've been worried he'd panic to death had he not been trying to kill someone.

jeno had never had to fight a kid like this before, not when he himself was older. and it was quite disconcerting that he'd broken through garnet's defences to get in here. but if he was so talented, why had he failed at the last step? five minutes ago, jeno could've been dead.

"let's try this," he sighed and took both of the other's wrists in one of his hands, (they were worryingly thin), and used the other to lace through his brown hair and pull at it, jerking the teen's head back and forcing his chin up. exposing someone's neck was the easiest way, jeno found, to make them talk. "you answer my questions, and i'll hear out your sob story. i know you have a reason for breaking into lee jeno's room and attempting to assassinate him."

the younger boy paused, looking apprehensive but probably weighing his options. his pretty face was tensed from the pain of his scalp, but he caved. through gritted teeth he murmured, "they told me to do it. topaz."

"you were hired by them? or a member?"

"neither," he winced, and jeno relaxed his hold enough to watch his expression soften. "m-my mother...they have my mum."

"what's your name, first of all?"

"jisung."

"jisung what?" jeno pressed, noticing he was probably quite heavy on this lanky teenager, but he wasn't changing tactics until he got the information he needed.

"park jisung. topaz tricked my mum with some sort of offer. i don't know the specifics," he mumbled, "but she said they could help us with...financial problems. usual stuff."

"go on."

jisung glanced down with what little leeway he had and tried to glance at jeno's would. "y-you're going to die."

"keep talking, kid, or so will you."

"they took her. they took her one day and sent me notes and shit, saying i had to do a favour for them to get her back."

"that favour being to kill me," jeno nodded to himself and pieced some of it together. it didn't explain why park jisung had assassin skills though. "who trained you?"

"what do you mean?"

"c'mon, how did you break in here?"

"i..." the brunette hesitated, but with his neck quite literally on the line, he glanced away and said, "nobody trained me. i taught myself on the streets."

"poor then?"

"yeah..."

the picture was making more sense. the mafia leader sucked in a breath and sat back, releasing jisung and looking down at his side where blood had stained his shirt and the sheets and continued to do so. "you should be proud, kid. not a lot of people can say they've stabbed lee jeno."

"are you going to kill me?"

"probably. a loose canon like you on the streets doesn't bode well for me. especially now that you've been in the base," he hummed and pressed against the injury, trying to stop the flow. "but, if you help me get to the infirmary without trying to kill me again, i might have a plan that'll benefit both of us. do we have a deal?"

jisung wasn't sure why he didn't just call someone he trusted in to help, and just slit his throat now that he was useless. but even a few extra minutes of life looked better than getting slaughtered immediately.

he stood, wordlessly helping the older boy up and supporting his weight as they shuffled out of the room and into the halls. the members jeno had posted to watch his room were unconscious...or dead, he wasn't sure.

"you're dangerous," he smirked, though that took a lot out of him and he coughed weakly. red dyed his lips.

"they're just asleep. the old neck chop does the trick."

he's dangerous, jeno simply reiterated, but said nothing and instead plotted an idea for what to do with park jisung. he hated when new things came along and ruined plans, or when they didn't work out the way he wanted them too. but variables like jisung weren't as annoying as he always expected.

sungchan was asleep when they called him to the office to look at jeno. his face paled and he lay the man down on the bed, ruining even more white sheets. "should i even ask?" he scoffed, pulling his shirt off and immediately going about cleaning and disinfecting the wound. "who's that guy?"

jisung stood awkwardly to the side, wringing his hands and sweating profusely.

"my assassin," jeno barked a laugh, but coughed again and looked worse and worse by the minute.

"i work with morons," the doctor breathed a sigh and wound bandages around the other's waist. they were clean and tidy, very professional, and jeno passed out as soon as it was over. probably making sure he was in good hands.

"i didn't...i'm not..." jisung tried to explain without him there to defend him anymore. "please don't kill me."

"i don't specialise in killing," sungchan hummed and grabbed a bottle of water to take a sip. "i'm a healer. but that," he pointed at the injury, "was very stupid of you, kid. if you were going to kill him, at least aim properly. like here," he pointed to his own waist and tapped on a spot right below his stomach, "the pancreas is decent. or the kidneys. but obviously the heart and the lungs and all that are better options. you just got his side without any organs."

"why are you teaching me? i stabbed your boss?"

"lucky you," he rolled his eyes and drank from the bottle again before tossing it to jisung. "my advice to you? use that cute face and redeem yourself. good graces, and all that. and better yet, his boyfriends. that's all that will save your life."

"what do you mean?"

"figure it out."

with that he left, leaving jisung in a somewhat compromising position of watching over the man he stabbed and not having anywhere to go. he nearly wanted to cry, slumping into the doctor's chair and leaning back to watch jeno sleep.

this wasn't at all what he'd planned. how was he supposed to help his mum now?

>>>>>

jisung got locked away. he'd been awoken the following day by someone he didn't recognise and was taken down to the prison where one of his ankles was chained to the wall.

jeno was still unconscious and some loudmouth with blonde hair had taken charge in his absence — one of the boyfriends, the teen presumed.

about four days passed like this, in the dark and completely alone. he wasn't able to shower, wasn't able to sleep right. only two meals were brought to him at breakfast and dinner.

one day, a guy with dark hair came down the stairs and simply stood outside his cell, watching him. he looked pensive, even a little nostalgic, with his hands in his pockets and head tilted.

"is he awake yet?" jisung had asked, trying to move but finding his legs too sore and achy to do anything. he stayed still now, all the time.

the boy said nothing, just watched him for a moment before heading back upstairs and leaving jisung alone again. days ago he might've tried to get him to stay, to here him out. but any energy for that was long gone and he simply flopped back against the wall and closed his eyes.

visions of his mother in the clutches of those weird men from topaz made him weep, and he wondered what he could've done differently, if anything at all. would she be safe right now if he'd actually killed jeno, or was that all a lie too? was he being used and abused? more than likely.

he painfully curled his legs up to his chest and leaned his forehead against them, sobbing. for a place like this was no good, especially for a fifteen-year-old.

a week or so passed, and eventually the silence ended. jeno did come down to see him, with the other two strange boys in tow. they stopped outside his cell, the bars further away from him than ever. "morning, jisung," the leader hummed. he looked much better now, dressed in a black button-up and jeans.

"you said you'd help me," the brunette croaked, voice hoarse and unused. it hurt to say anything, like swallowing sandpaper.

"i did. that being before i passed out from blood loss, i believe," jeno arched his brow. he was so beautiful it didn't even seem fair. "so, are we in a cooperative mood?"

the teen stayed silent, hungry beyond belief and more exhausted than he'd ever been in his entire life. the blue-haired alpha cracked a smile and opened the door, stepping inside and leaving the other two at the entrance. they seemed tense though, probably worried he'd pull another fast one on him.

jeno crouched before him and placed his hands on jisung's knees, making him wince. "i'll take you upstairs now, okay? but we're tying your hands and you're not being left anywhere out of eyeshot of me, jaemin or mark. understand?"

he presumed those were the names of the other two and nodded slowly, relaxing just a little.

"good. we'll negotiate the plan for you. you won't like all of it, but it's mutually beneficial and you, frankly, don't have a choice."

jisung swallowed the roughness of his throat and realised some of that was still unshed tears he hadn't gotten to yet. his voice deceived him, so he nodded once more and let jeno unlock his chain and tie his hands with a surprisingly soft fabric. then, without warning, he tried to help him stand with one quick pulling movement.

"ah, p-please wait!" he shrieked, collapsing against his chest and buckling at the knees. the leader caught him, laughing quietly at something the teen didn't find funny at all and picked him up easily bridal style.

"you're a lot of work already," jeno teased and walked them both to the exit where mark and jaemin parted to let them through.

"is this really okay?" jaemin enquired, looking at jisung skeptically and yet thoroughly as though there was something he was missing.

"relax, doll. he's been down there for more than a week now, right? and you fed him the bare minimum?"

"yeah."

"then he's weak. we'll sort this out quickly."

jisung's gaze shifted to the man on the other side, mark. he was staring off into space as he walked, thinking about something else entirely. it made him wonder what he'd been thinking of a few days ago when he visited him.

>>>>>

the deal was simple, really. garnet would go and take jisung's mother back in return for him joining the gang. he had to help with the mission, of course, and risk his life as mark and jaemin were going to join him. and then he was expected to stay, and she would be returned to their old home.

jisung hated every clause he had to sign. he'd rather die than join a gang, especially one as notorious as garnet. his anxiety peaked during the little negotiation (which was more like a 'sit and listen' situation for him) and the only thing stopping him from ending it all before his life could crumble any further was the fact that they were the only ones willing to help his mum.

"you're quite quiet," jaemin said as he folded his arms and watched him from across the table. "how's your eyesight?"

"good, i think," the teen responded reluctantly. he didn't want to give too much away about himself.

"sniper, then," mark decided and leaned against his hand as they discussed the ins and outs of this agreement. "he'd be good backup, i think."

"i'd agree," jeno stated, "but that snipers need a killer instinct and this kid doesn't have it."

alright then, jisung inwardly sniffed, still embarrassed that he couldn't give the killing blow when he really needed to. it was true, however, that he'd never taken a life before and definitely didn't want to.

"we'll see how he fairs next week anyway," jeno concluded and stood up slowly, clearly still debilitated from his injury. "you know what you have to do, park jisung. and if you can't..." he didn't need to say more.

they split into twos once everything was sorted and mark walked jisung down a hall while jaemin and jeno wandered off elsewhere. the brunette noticed the older boy stood right behind him, never too far but keeping a distance. was he nervous of him? or was it something else?

what sungchan had said over a week ago crossed his mind.

"um...not that i'm planning anything, obviously," jisung suddenly spoke up and wished he hadn't when the hallways echoed with his words. "but does anyone ever, like, leave the mafia?"

mark looked slightly taken aback, catching up to him a little so they were about side by side. so he wasn't scared of him, anyway. "no. once you've seen the inside of the seoul base, you never leave. or at least, not through the front doors," he hummed. jisung took that to mean the golden gates of heaven were his last option.

"i really don't want to do this," he admitted, oddly relaxed when jaemin and jeno weren't breathing down his neck. "i'll be useless and die anyway."

"when you think that way, it makes it true. i'm not going to give you pat on the back tell you it's not as bad as you think, because it's probably just as bad, if not worse. but you can make it more bearable by following the instructions you're given, going to bed as early as possible so you don't need to talk to people and just getting the job done."

"is this what you do? killing and stuff?"

"no, i never really did," mark confessed and shot a glance to him, but quickly looked away when they accidentally made eye contact. jisung's bedroom appeared down the hall. "i was a drug dealer."

"was?"

"was." mark opened his door, and gave him a gentle push inside, watching him shuffle into the centre where sun left a golden square on his carpet. "listen, you're not going to get sympathy from jeno just because you're fifteen. we've all been there, we all survived. if you really want a gold star, his nod of approval, then kill the guys who took you mum and earn it. that's all."

jisung was about to insist he couldn't do it, but the door closed quickly but gently, snapping shut and locking from the outside before the older boy's footsteps drew further and further away. the brunette bit his lip, clenching his fists and trying not to cry again.

when he saved his mum and got her out of there, made sure she was where she needed to be...he'd save himself. in the only way he knew how.

>>>>>

the moment finally did arrive when he had to prove himself. mark and jaemin were standing behind him, silent and waiting as jisung gripped two long knives in his sweaty hands, the two creeps who'd been bullying him and his mum for months facing them with not an ounce of remorse on their gaunt, horrid faces.

it'd been a hassle to get this far, and mostly the dolls paved the way with years of experience just to get him here. but his head and his heart weren't aligned and all he could think about was how much it would hurt if he got any closer, how badly their kicks felt and how awful seeing his mum's bleeding face was. his head said 'do it. this is it'. and his heart said 'you're not a murderer ji, don't drop to their level'.

"is this a staring context?" jaemin sighed, stepping forward and whispering in the boy's ear, "do it now and you'll see her again."

"you may have fancy weapons, kid," the taller of the two topaz members sneered, stepping forward slowly as jaemin backed away, "but you're still the same little rat living in a hole, letting your mum take the hits. c'mon, don't be a hero. come talk to the boss and maybe he won't kill you immediately." apparently that was funny, but jisung didn't know topaz's leader well enough to laugh with them. his stomach dropped to rock bottom.

"he won't do it," mark sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"wait," jaemin scoffed and smacked his shoulder. "you're so impatient."

jisung could hardly comprehend them before the two thugs were splitting and diving at him from his left and right. he tensed up, scared beyond belief and closed his eyes before sliding forward and evading both attacks fluidly. he now stood where they had and they were he'd been. mark and jaemin finally looked happy.

"of course a worm would slither away instead of taking on a fight," the shorter of them hissed. if jisung was a worm, he felt those two were snakes. but refrained from taunting them. he needed to focus. just like the streets, ji, he told himself, finally relaxing into a comfortable fighting stance and keeping his eyes closed. he didn't like looking at people, but he could hear them and smell them just as well.

a sharp whistle of wind whipped past him to his right again, and he tuned into the footsteps before snapping his eyes open very quickly and watching, in every minute detail, as a blade half the length of his but much broader tore straight towards his face. he breathed in once, leaning to the side, lifting one of his knives and slashing its trajectory away before using his other to stab him in the side, right where he'd gotten jeno.

"he likes that part," mark commented from the side. "it's not fatal, man. how many times do we have to—"

"shut up! for five fucking minutes!" jisung swore and kicked the guy down to the ground where he bled and wheezed, barely seeing straight.

"wow..." jaemin was stunned, looking at his lover and cracking a smirk. "i mean...i like it."

"it's your turn to shut up now," mark huffed and went silent as he'd been told.

jisung ignored them both, seeing red and finally letting the last months from hell sink into his bones. all those times he couldn't do anything. when his mum couldn't do anything.

the next man was the taller one, and he seemed better trained. the teen didn't think too much about his odds though and simply went for what he knew. his eyes closed, his breaths evened out...something whizzed through the air towards his head again.

he ducked backwards, so far back in fact that his hand supported him on the floor somewhat like a bridge and he saw a dagger much like the other guy's sticking into the wall behind him. "oh."

"you little prick!" he hissed, running at him while he was bent back but, luckily enjoying his flexible, young body, jisung timed a perfect kick upwards, catching him straight in the jaw and using the momentum of his large body's impact to spring back into a flip. standing upright once again, he shook out his shoulders and took his knife off the floor where he'd dropped it.

"see, i find this kind of thing hot," jaemin said to mark who waved him away like a fly.

"you want me to do circus tricks now?"

"can you?"

"fuck off."

jisung couldn't believe them, and had secretly hoped they'd hop in and help him at some stage. he should've known better. "do i really have to kill them? they're not moving, so..."

"exactly. the perfect time to just," jaemin made a cutting motion across his neck. the teen shivered and looked down to the first guy he'd tackled.

he gripped his daggers tighter and crouched down to be closer to him, watching the stab wound bleed and bleed, wondering how jeno ever held a conversation with him that night like this. what a terrifying guy. "okay. i would say sorry," he swallowed thickly, positioning the knife right above his heart, "but you fucked with my mum, so i'm not." he closed his eyes once more and took yet another deep breath, stomach in knots over this and hands shaking.

he plunged it down, sinking first into soft tissue but meeting resistance. the man screamed. jisung cried out.

"nah, you have to go harder. there's ribs and muscle and shit to get through," mark explained. "come on."

jisung gritted his teeth and forced it down the rest of the way until the man choked up blood and started to convulse. his job was done.

he left that knife in there and took his other one with him to the unconscious member whom he just realised had a dislocated jaw. it was...horrifying, really. "please, can't you do this one? i..." the pop-crunch of the other man's chest made him want to get sick. he would, when this was all over. his head was swimming.

"nope. last one, kid, and we can all go home. mum and all."

"god..." he winced, choosing this time to hold the guy's head back and line the knife up with the neck. he stared up at mark and jaemin, biting down on his tongue so not to scream again and quickly slashed across, immediately feeling hot liquid pour over his hands. "ah! ew, oh no, that's disgusting!" he shrieked, getting up and holding out his hands like they were on fire. "ew. i need water."

"re-lax," jaemin rolled his eyes and walked over, giving him a squeeze on his shoulder and finally, finally, showing him one of the prettiest smiles jisung had ever seen. "can't lie, little man, you really surprised me this time."

"my hands...are covered in a dead guy's blood. i'm going...oh no," he heaved, backing away and getting sick in a corner. he left bloody handprints on the wall he used to support himself. "i can't do this."

"you did, though," mark praised. "well done. you've proven you're not a weak little mouse and we don't have to kill you."

you won't have to, the teen thought, getting up on legs like jelly and wiping his mouth off his sleeve. everything smelled of blood now. he pretended he was better than he was and turned to meet their eyes once again. "c-can we get mum now? please."

"as promised," jaemin agreed. and they did. they found her locked away pretty haphazardly as this wasn't a topaz location, but a random warehouse a group of them had chosen to occupy for fun.

>>>>>

saying goodbye to her had been one of the hardest things jisung had ever done. she was ready to be blindfolded and taken away, back to town where she'd be released and watched over for the next year to ensure this didn't happen again. jisung had made sure of it in the fine print, and after his impressive stint at the warehouse, the dolls and jeno were much more obliged to listen to him.

"are you sure about this, ji?" she whispered as they spoke quietly in a hall near the entrance. members were bustling about, ready to leave when they were and making sure there was no funny business. "i don't want this for you. i-i know i haven't always been able to provide you with what you need—" her voice broke, thin fingers squeezing his as she stared down at them through oncoming tears.

"mum, this isn't a choice anymore. i've made my decision, i've done what i had to do to save you...please just think of me as alive and safe here. and try to move on. get a better house, keep the money for you."

"i've failed you..."

"no, not at all," he insisted, on the verge of crying himself. "we've been dealt a shit hand of cards, okay? that wasn't our fault, but we can change the game. if i ever make it out of here—" he wouldn't, he knew. he didn't intend to stay long enough, "—i'll come find you. just...take care, mum."

she looked up at him, lips trembling and voice all wobbly. "i'm so sorry, ji."

"i love you. now get out of here before they keep you."

she pulled her son in for one last, big hug. using a surprising about to strength to squeeze him close and press her head against his chest. when had he gotten so tall? when had he grown up so much? "see you."

"see you," he croaked, holding her hand as she walked away towards the group of men and women at the door and finally letting her go once she was too far. he had to turn away before he broke down altogether.

jisung fled the scene. he jogged uneasily towards the stairs and up them, stumbling along the walls and feeling his legs give in with the harsh realisation of what was next hit him. he just cried, let it out, let it go. he made it to his room, thankfully, and slammed the door shut to lean against it.

it was over. he'd gotten her back, they'd kept their end of the deal. he never intended to keep his though.

sunlight burned his eyes and he shielded them, glancing out the window to see two black cars pull out of the driveway and skitter away where he'd hopefully never see them again. she was out of harm's way.

"okay," he whispered to himself, moving quickly to the drawers, finding nothing, to his wardrobe, finding nothing and finally to the bathroom where he stumbled upon a razor blade. his eyes widened, since he'd forgotten about it. he admittedly hadn't reached the stage yet where he needed to shave and usually left it alone.

taking it in his hand, he really considered what it was he wanted to do. would this even be enough? he didn't know. he'd never thought much about suicide before, even with his crap life before, and now wished he had more of a clue. something told him this wouldn't work...but there was an infirmary here.

he paused.

overdosing? how much did it take for one to overdose? what if he failed and they did worse to him for the betrayal? he had made a deal and he was working against it. what if everything he considered failed? he didn't want to be in this gang, to kill people. his eyes watered again and he dropped the razor into the sink, leaning against it and staring into the mirror.

am i going to die here? he wondered, lowering to his knees and sobbing quietly alone for the following hour. people came and went from outside his room, knocking and asking if he was there. even without his answers, they left. maybe they knew, maybe they didn't care.

days went on like this.

he couldn't figure out how he wanted to kill himself. didn't know what was the least painful way, what was the quickest. between thinking and being trapped in his own head, he was sulking and crying. jisung spent an abnormal about of time on the alcove by his window and stared for hours at the driveway.

"this isn't right," jeno sighed and stood at the boy's doorway with his two boyfriends. "this is like mark all over again."

"well fuck you," mark scoffed and watched him too. the kid didn't even seem to realise they were there. his eyes were glazed over and his usual squishy cheeks were deflating — a bit gaunt. "he's depressed, jen. i knew this would happen, i told you."

"how do we fix it? was it sex last time?" jaemin enquired completely seriously.

"not even your ass cures depression, idiot!" mark slapped his shoulder. "it took me months. the guts of a year."

"ughhhh."

"shhh," jeno gushed, holding up his hand. jisung had started humming, something slow and unintelligible. it was weird, but the first noise he'd made in two weeks.

"is he possessed?" nana wondered aloud.

"he needs more interactions," mark decided and pushed through to walk in. nobody stopped him and watched quietly as he sat on the other side of the alcove from jisung, facing him. "it's three in the afternoon, kid. aren't you hungry?"

the brunette looked at him, though mark wasn't sure if he really saw him or just knew he was there. when he'd been this bad, withdrawing and whatnot, he could hardly remember his own name, or to go to the bathroom. "i already ate."

"yeah, last night. you skipped breakfast as well."

"last night..." jisung blinked in confusion, looking at the window and sitting up straighter. "no...it was only...last night?"

"how about we go for a walk?" mark tried, reaching out his hand to take his. jisung looked down at it, swallowing audibly and shaking his head. "no, i still need to decide."

"decide what?"

this time the teenager looked as though he was about to cry again and pursed his lips sadly. "i don't want to do this anymore."

"mhm, neither did i. believe me, it sucks at the start. but i know you're a strong, sassy and independent individual who wouldn't even be talking to me in his right mind, and i was the same before all this. don't you want to tell me to shut up again? or try to escape or something? sitting here like..." he paused, realising the irony of it, "like a doll, isn't going to save you. so get up and hit me, get up and hit jeno even, or eat, or take a piss. just get up and do something."

"if i do all of those things," jisung whispered and really did start to cry, but only barely. only quiet tears started to streak down his cheeks. "if...if i do all those things, i have to think of an order. and i have to move, and then, when it's done, i have to come back and sit down and it's all too much. i just want to do nothing."

"and it'll kill you."

his eyes sparkled, and at long last he actually looked like he heard what mark had said. "it'll what?"

"kill you. look at yourself!"

jisung snapped back to reality for a moment and wondered if doing nothing was the right way after all. how long had he been sitting here like this? how many sunsets had he watched while envisioning hundreds of slow and quick deaths that could be done by one's own-self? "how long does it take to die like this?"

"let's not find out," mark insisted and snatched his hand, starting to get up when he felt jisung recoil and pull away. he startled, looking back at him. "what?"

red scratches littered his wrists and he quickly pulled his hoodie sleeve over them. "nothing."

"what are those?"

"i was itchy."

"uh huh? itchy enough to dig out your veins? what the fuck were you using? shit," he looked to jeno and jaemin who were suddenly on alert. "check his bathroom."

"i didn't use anything!" jisung snapped, holding out his hands again and showing off his long nails. "i...i thought...i don't know, thinking about it made them itchy, and then it wouldn't stop, and—"

"jesus christ," mark sighed and sat down once more but this time right up against him where he could pull him against his chest. "i advocated for leaving you alone to sort this all out. i'm sorry, i didn't think..." he gritted his teeth, "i didn't think you were this bad."

"what do you mean?"

"don't worry about it. don't worry about anything. i'm going to fix you right up, so your wrists aren't itchy anymore."

"i don't want to kill people," jisung sobbed against his shoulder, shaking hands weakly holding onto mark's jacket front. "i don't want to be in a gang."

the oldest looked back over towards jeno and jaemin, who were in the room now, the latter with a clean, unused razor in hand which he confiscated regardless. he told them both with his eyes that this was beyond 'healing itself' now, and needed intervention.

"if he doesn't get better," jeno sighed, looking up to the ceiling like this killed him to say, "i'll let him go."

"what?" jaemin stared at him in disbelief? "there's no way—"

"it's a last resort," he assured him, "and i don't want to go there. it involves a lot of work. so you better know what to do, love," he said to mark. the other nodded in return, already thinking about ways to help a kid he knew next to nothing about.

>>>>>

it took forever.

months went by — three, to be exact. jisung never really 'healed' in the sense they wanted, not for another year or so. mark knew once someone felt this bad, it never truly went away. there was always a piece of it there in the background, reminding you that despair worse than death existed.

but he did manage to function again and start training. the fighting kept him focused, jisung claimed, and he spent hours in the arena each day honing different skills. he was quiet and withdrawn, never really getting much closer even when they talked for a while. jaemin was stressed about it, but jeno and mark had known to expect this.

"you'll be sixteen soon," jaemin hummed as he brushed jisung's hair gently. sometimes he did this before bed as a chance to chat, to say anything at all to get closer. when ji had arrived a few months back, nobody thought of him as doll material. but while they'd been training him up to unlock all that hidden potential, they'd all grown rather fond of him.

"really? what month is it?"

"january. you don't remember?"

"i don't really notice time or dates," jisung admitted and closed his eyes while jaemin put the brush down and started to plait tiny braids into his fringe.

"mhm. you said it was the fifth of february."

"yeah. i'd nearly forgotten."

"do you want anything?" the blonde asked, fingers deftly weaving the brown hair. "maybe new gear? or jewellery?"

"i..." he didn't know. he didn't know what he wanted at all anymore. his heart sank at the realisation of how numb he'd grown, even do the idea of his sixteenth birthday. "i don't need anything."

jaemin's plaiting slowed, but he kept going. he hid his emotions well these days, pretending concern was indifference and the alike. "if you think of something, tell me. we can do anything."

jisung felt him stop and stand away, looking at his fine artistry. he reached his hand up to touch a braid and jaemin gently shooed it away with a smile.

"it looks cute. leave it, i want mark and jeno to see."

the brunette lowered his hand and nodded softly. he was a little disappointed the fussing had stopped actually, since he quite like when jaemin played with his hair. he liked the smell of him, even though he didn't have pheromones, and he liked the sound of him humming when he was distracted. "when are you going to bed?"

"soon. whenever the other two are finished with the paperwork."

"okay." inwardly he didn't want to go back to his room, but he refrained from saying anything and got up. "then—"

"wait, stay a bit longer. they'll be a few minutes, so wait with me," the older boy pouted and went to sit on the bed, kicking up his feet and laying back.

jisung ignored the dull ache in his chest and slowly shuffled over, sitting down on the edge and staring off to the window. before he could start to get lost in thought like usual, jaemin pull him down and suddenly he was laying, facing the ceiling, on the other's lap.

"i had this dream the other night," the blonde began, "you were in it." he proceeded to describe it , not missing a single detail, and played with a braid as he did. his voice was so soothing when he was calm, which wasn't often, and he remained serious for once which jisung hadn't seen since the beginning when he had gotten off on the wrong foot.

"why was i wearing that kind of shirt, though?" he found himself asking randomly without anything else he could say. "i've never worn something like that before."

"my brain thought you'd look good, and it didn't lie," jaemin chuckled, back to his silly antics. "funny how our heads know what we'll like before we've even proven it."

jisung blushed, right up to his ears. he sat up and twisted around to look at the boy beneath him. "you're a creep sometimes. i'm fifteen..."

"and i'm seventeen. phenomenal, isn't it?" he giggled.

"that's—!" he made a stupid point. and he knew he and the other two had been messing around way too young. it made him blush even more to think about it. "what's it like, anyway? you know..."

"what's what like?"

jisung looked away to the window again, his pink ears deceiving him. "nothing. never mind."

"no, seriously! what's what?"

"you're so stupid!" the brunette hissed and grabbed a pillow to suffocate him with. jaemin was cackling under it, kicking his legs a bit behind jisung and finally managing to pull it aside to inhale some air.

"oh god!" he wheezed. "you're so funny, ji!"

"i hate you!"

"never!" he giggled, pushing the pillow down between them and wearing a shit-eating smile. "were you asking about sex, by the way? is that what you meant?"

"no. i didn't ask anything."

"awww, little maiden sungie is catching the feels."

"you can die now."

"not before a kiss," he teased, pointing to his cheek and making ugly kissy noises. jisung scrunched his nose and pushed his face away.

"no. pervert."

"ouch. fine then, would you kiss jeno?"

the teen hesitated, looking at him for a moment too long and giving it all away.

"ah, so he's your type. should've known."

"he's not. i don't have a type. i'll never kiss anyone, alright? so piss off."

jaemin smiled happily, pinching the younger's cheek and gently caressing the hair behind his ear. "it's okay to like people, sungie. i know we're not saints, and we keep you here against your will...but all you have to do is ask, and we'd do what we can for you."

"would you let me go?" he suddenly asked, baffling himself and immediately regretting it. but he couldn't refute it either, staring at jaemin's surprised face and feeling his chest tighten with panic.

"is that...really what you want?"

"say it and i'll start the process," someone suddenly spoke up from the doorway. jeno and mark had arrived, both wearing loose sweats and t-shirts. "is it what you want?" jeno reiterated.

jisung scrambled away from jaemin and perched at the end of the bed, at a loss for words and suddenly very nervous. "ah, i...i don't know why i said that."

"but do you want to?" mark pressed. "if i'm not helping, and you want to leave, say it. now."

"it was an accident," the teenager insisted. "i didn't mean it."

"you can go if you want, jisung," jeno said gently now, coming over to sit on the bed too and kicking off his shoes. "i said i'd let you go if therapy didn't work, and i meant it. i won't do this for anyone else."

jisung pressed his lips into a thin line and looked at all three of them, wondering if they actually wanted him gone at this point. it wouldn't surprise him, with how boring and frustrating he could be. "i mean, i did...before," he mumbled, nervously playing with one of the braids in his fringe now and getting self-conscious. "but i don't know now. i don't know."

"it's your birthday in two weeks," mark hummed. "say the word, and we'll give you freedom to leave. it's that easy."

"do you want me to?"

"god no," jaemin piped up. "not at all. but it's your choice at the end of the day—"

"then just drop it. if you don't want me to go and i'm not pushed about it, then i won't go. okay? can we not talk about this anymore," he pleaded and went to get up, but jeno caught his arm and he was once more tugged onto the bed.

they all lay around him, looking down at him and making his heart rate spike. "you're the one who agreed." jeno reminded him. "that's that."

"okay," he whispered, not sure who's face to look at. he could smell all of their beautiful scents, of body spray, shampoo and natural things too. jaemin's halo of golden hair caught the light and he closed his eyes to shutter it.

"can i suggest an early birthday present?" the boy beamed and poked his cheek.

"what is it?"

"keep your eyes closed."

"they are," he couldn't help but remark, but before he had room to add any more snarky comments, something warm was pressed against his cheek. actually, three somethings against both his cheeks and his forehead.

his breath hitched.

and a moment later, they were gone. one after the other.

"what—" he blinked his eyes open and looked at each of them confusedly for a moment. "i didn't get to..." he cleared his throat so his voice wouldn't break embarrassingly. it hadn't stopped doing that yet.

mark was smirking into his hand, eyes dark and beautiful like onyx. "hmm?"

they were teasing him again. but four could play that game. "do it again," he murmured airily, his hands coming up weakly to press against jeno's chest and jaemin's.

and they did, peppering chaste, innocent kisses over his face and neck, leaving it at that and refusing to meet his mouth. he seemed to like it better this way though.

that night was the first night he shared their bed, cuddled between all three and feeling a warmth inside he was sure he hadn't had in years, or hadn't existed at all.

➳༻❀⌛️❀༺➳

to be continued...

7800 💀
that took a while ;-; hope it wasn't too long, i tried to keep it moving at all times
thanks so much for reading, and hopefully it wasn't too triggering

love you all
-lily