03 || The Negative Space
TORSTEN IS MUCH PALER THAN Felix was; he looks like he hasn't seen much sunlight or sleep. Some of the things he does are exactly the same as Felix, like the way he rubs at his nose, or stretches one arm up and the other behind him. I'm not sure how it's possible. I remember one time when my father came home from work excited about the advances in organ cloning, but never once did he mention that Paulsen Research could actually clone a whole human being.
"You're staring at me," Torsten says.
I blush and quickly look away. "Sorry, it's just so strange to see your face."
He takes a few swallows of water and even the way he drinks is a mimic of Felix. Part of me wishes I could believe his parents and accept that the person in front of me really is my deceased boyfriend.
I can't accept it, because I was with Felix the night he died. I saw him take his last breath.
"Were we in love?" he asks.
I take a few deep, controlled breaths to keep tears from forming in my eyes. All I can manage is a nod as a response. Thankfully that seems to satisfy his question.
"Are we still in love?" Torsten is completely calm and curious. It's weird to have someone who doesn't seem capable of feeling love asking me if they feel it.
"Do you feel in-love?" I throwback at him.
Torsten places a hand over his heart and turns his eyes upward whiling thinking. He reminds me of how Evan used to mull over answers when he was five. It's taking him too long to say something and it's starting to get dark outside.
"Why do you have your hand over your heart?" I ask.
He knits his brows and lowers his sights back down to match my gaze. "I have no memories of us together so I'm checking to see if my heart is racing when I'm near you. It does feel like it's above its normal speed."
I smile at him.
How can I find this cute? There's nothing cute about this situation! But still . . . Torsten is a lost lamb. I am his only link to the life the real Felix had.
I lean forward and reach out to touch his wrist and remove his hand from feeling his heart. His skin feels so warm, almost hot like a fever is running through him. Hastily, I pull away from him.
"You wouldn't need to check. Love is something you just know," I say, looking at him, but somehow not focusing on his eyes.
Torsten shook his head. "If you couldn't remember your family, would you still love them? I can't remember my history with my parents. You say I wouldn't have to check, but I do. Without memories, there's no love."
And just that quickly, he isn't so cute anymore.
"That's something the old you never would have said."
"What would I have said then?"
AFTER THE DAY FELIX gave me his number we texted one another every-night for a full week. We didn't say much or have a deep conversation, just one or two sentences here and there.
[Felix: Can you speak Korean?]
[Me: Some. Can you speak Swedish?]
[Felix: Some. Do you like rock music?]
[Me: Some. Do you like house music?]
It was nothing, we were harmless and innocent. I didn't think I was betraying Natalie, in fact this was a good way for me to answer her questions. I could tell her what music he liked and his favorite color. I could even tell her his favorite book.
I will admit that I looked forward to art class each day. Amanda took her art seriously and she aimed to have her work reflect the world exactly as it looked in real life. Kevin loved comic books and had a mildly successful online web series of his own. The other five students I never really got to know beyond their name and their polite greeting. The main reason I wanted to be in that art class wasn't about art itself, it was because I could talk to Felix about art.
Miss Whitman paced around our circle of desks turning her hands in motions as she spoke. "Today we're going to discuss negative space. What is negative space and is it important in art?"
Everyone in our classroom glanced at one another, but no one produced an answer for Miss Whitman.
"Negative space is the space around and in between the subjects of the image," she explained.
Kevin raised his hand and once Miss Whitman pointed at him he began to speak. "So, you mean all that blank empty space we leave on the paper or canvas? The nothingness?"
"Kevin is correct, but it's not empty space, it's negative space," Miss Whitman paused in her steps and smiled at each of us, "It's an intentional absence of something in order to define the boundaries of positive space. To explain it in terms you young minds can understand—in art there is no such thing as nothing. Everything has meaning . . . "
Our teacher continued to talk, but her words became fuzzy in my head. I lingered on her explanation. Everything has meaning. Did my texts with Felix mean something then? Were they really nothing if there was no such thing as nothing?
I slowly turned to watch Felix's profile. He ran his fingers through his curly hair and pulled it back into a small, messy bun at the back of his head. A few strands fell free from it. It looked ridiculous and somehow adorable. I couldn't resist the urge to sketch him. I kept it small and hidden within a corner of my notebook.
When class was over, Felix waved at me. "See you around, Maggie!"
"See you, Felix."
Our goodbyes felt like code-word for: I'll text you a question tonight. We didn't really talk before class and after class, Felix quickly would leave to join some people in the hallway. I guessed that the reason why he seemed so friendly the first two days of school was that he didn't know anyone. Now, he had people eager to be friends with him.
"Um, Maggie?" A voice asked from behind me.
I turned around and found myself faced with Kevin Kang. He was only two feet taller than me and he wore thick glasses and a haircut that reminded me of a k-pop star. His skin was in bad condition on his chin and a few spots on his forehead, but otherwise, he was cute. We hadn't really spoken before.
"Hi Kevin," I said and waited to see what he wanted.
"You're friends with Felix?" he asked while walking.
I shook my head and slowly walked with Kevin towards the hallway. "No, we're not friends."
Kevin suddenly smiled and looked more relaxed. I wondered why it would have been a problem for him if I had been friends with Felix.
"So your family is Korean?" he continued.
I nodded and found it easy to look at Kevin's face and meet his eyes. "Half. The other half is Filipino. Everyone says when they look at me all they see is the Korean part though. What about you?"
"My parents are both Korean, graduates of the University of Seoul where they met. They moved to New York before I was born. Are your Asian parents mad that you're taking art like mine?"
I laughed. "That's racist . . . and yes."
"That's why I wanted to talk to you. Felt like we might have something in common," he said.
I kept smiling and didn't say what I was thinking. If I hadn't been Half-Korean, would Kevin have still wanted to see if we had things in common? I didn't have any friends that were Asian and at my old school, I was one of three in my class.
"I should go, my next class is starting soon," I said.
"Right, mine too," Kevin turned around to leave and then stopped to look back at me. "Is it okay if I join you and your friends at lunch?"
I didn't expect that.
"Sure?" I didn't mean for it to sound like a question, but it did.
Kevin looked happy with my answer and left. I would spend the rest of the morning worried about what Lizzy and Natalie might think about a boy joining our table. But that's what high-school life was supposed to be about, making friends with all genders.
"Who is he?" Lizzy asked me as we waited in a lunch line.
"Kevin Kang, he's in my art class. I don't think he has any friends, please let him sit with us," I nudged her tray with mine. "He's a nice guy."
"First Natalie with Felix, now you with Kevin," Lizzy said, taking a glass of juice and placing it on her tray. "In two weeks I bet he'll be your boyfriend."
"Lizzy, I am not going to date Kevin," I said firmly.
A glass of juice magically found its way onto my tray—or rather it wasn't magic, it was Felix Paulsen who placed it there. He smiled at me and I felt frozen in place. Poor, puzzled Lizzy tried to figure out why Felix was even beside us. Had he heard everything we said?
"Hey Maggie, can I join you and your friends for lunch?" Felix asked.
I couldn't let him join us! If he mentioned our texts Natalie would never forgive me. Then again, how long could I even keep that a secret? If Natalie got close to Felix he would tell her. At least if I helped Natalie and Felix date she might forgive me for not telling her about the messages.
"Yes," I said and pointed to Lizzy, "This is Lizzy and you already met Natalie. She'll be here soon."
"Hey, Lizzy!" Felix was far too chipper.
Lizzy didn't look happy at all. We paid for our lunches and the three of us settled at a small round table meant to seat six people. Immediately, Felix began to separate his bento meal into individual piles. Strawberries by themselves and pineapple by itself.
"I love strawberries," he said, downing a few of them moving on to the next fruit, "I love grapes too . . . and apples . . . and melon . . . "
I laughed and found myself enjoying my meal because of his excitement. "We get it, you love everything."
"Yup. That's the whole point of life—love. Kids want their parents to love them and to grow up and have a job they love or a home they love, maybe even find the love of their life. Have kids they love and start it all over again. Some people want to be able to love themselves, some people love themselves too much. It's like my aunt was saying in art class today—there's no such thing as nothing because love is everything," he said while holding eye contact.
We didn't break our gaze, even after he was done. Felix didn't talk like most boys our age. Maybe it was because he'd been going to expensive schools his whole life.
Lizzy cleared her throat and it made me jump.
"Hey Maggie . . . and Felix," Kevin said from behind the three of us. The glow on his face had dimmed back to the way it looked before I mentioned Felix and I weren't friends. That must have looked like a lie to him.
"Kevin, sit here," I pointed to a seat beside me. I had made sure that Felix was across from me and not beside me so that Natalie could claim that spot.
Kevin looked grateful when he sat down beside me. We both exchanged an awkward smile. The whole situation was weird and it really shouldn't have been. Before any more words could be shared Natalie bounced over and claimed her seat beside Felix.
"Hey, Felix! I didn't know you were going to have lunch with us," the ever sociable Natalie said.
"I've decided to go around from table-to-table each lunchtime and get to know everyone," Felix explained.
So that was the reason. Just like Felix loved all the different fruits it seemed like he loved all people too. I thought he specifically just wanted to join me for lunch, but that was stupid of me to assume. I don't know why I let it bother me so much, but it did. I deliberately focused my attention on Kevin who I knew actually wanted to spend time with solely me.
"Kevin, I'd really like to read your web-series," I said.
Kevin became bashful, maybe he was shy about his artwork too. "Sure, I can show you after school."
Natalie and Felix were too distracted talking with one another to really take notice of anything I said to Kevin. Natalie twisted in her seat and tried her best to appear as cute and funny as she could be. She was trying too hard, but this is where Felix's age really showed. He hung on her every word. I guess no guy—mature or immature—was immune to a pretty girl.
During the rest of lunch, Felix and I said nothing to each other . . . and it was everything.
Important Note:
• This story has migrated to Radish where it will continue, to read more download the Radish Fiction App (it's free!) from the App Store or Google Play and search on Radish for "His Clone" or click the Radish link on my profile on Wattpad •
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