Nitya

It is late in the afternoon when I walk out of Sudha Kaki's house.

I had been wanting to meet her since Maaji told me about her telling Kaki not to return to our house to work anymore.

The guilt of being the reason behind her losing her job had been slowly chewing me from inside, and I knew I needed to meet her and see how she was doing.

That is why, I asked Prathamji's permission this morning to come out of the house in the afternoon.

It was either him I could ask or Maaji. And I knew Maaji would not let me step out of the house until it is to go the market to get the grocery or any other thing related to the house chores.

I was scared to ask for his permission, thinking he would snap at me for bothering him, but thankfully he only nodded and even said that he would drop me to Sudha Kaki's house on his way to the factory.

Surprised, I had told him I would not want to bother him, but he only waved it off, telling its not a big thing as Kaki's house is on the way to the factory.

Prathamji's behavior is toward me is such that I cannot predict it at all. At times he is considerate, caring even, but then, there are other times when he is so cold and ruthless, getting angry and shouting at me if I caused even a slight inconvenience to him.

It has been almost two weeks since he told me not to keep any expectations from him.

Hearing it from him had hurt me too much. So much so that I had felt lost for days after that.

But then, when I calmed my emotions, I began accepting it. I had to. After all, what choice did I have?

Yes, I wanted our marriage to work. Yes, I was ready to try my best to build my relationship with Prathamji. But I am not ready to grovel to him to accept me when he has made it clear that he does not want me in his life. I do not want to keep clinging to the hope that he will someday accept me. That will only sadden me daily when that hope would not come to fruition day after day.

Still, even without the hope, I feel a pinch in my heart whenever I look at him. I feel my eyes well up as I remember those times when he had cared for me. I feel acute pain wash through me as I imagine how happy we would have been if our marriage had been under the normal circumstances and Prathamji had no reservation about accepting me as his wife.

I take a deep breath and blink away the tears, wiping the few that escaped my eyes. It is of no use dwelling on what could have been.

As I take another turn toward the house, I think about the decision I took after talking with Sudha Kaki. I will no longer let Maaji and Chachiji keep taunting me and treat me as they wish. I borne it all these days, thinking it would take them some time to accept me. I had thought once they see how dedicated I am to fulfill my responsibilities of being their daughter-in-law, they will finally accept me as the member of their family.

But now, I have realized that will never happen. The only thing my silence to their mistreatment will do is encourage them to taunt me more every day, perhaps until I completely break.

The conversation I just had with Kaki replays in my mind.

"Nitya," she begins softly, her eyes filled with concern and understanding. "Apni chuppi ko apni kamjori mat banne dena. Maryada mein rehna jaruri hota hai, par waqt aane pe aawaz uthana usse bhi jyaad jaruri ho jata hai."

("Don't let your silence be your weakness. It's important to stay within your limits, but when time comes, it becomes more important to raise your voice.")

I nod, unable to find the words. Prathamji's harsh words still ring in my ears, overwhelming me at times even though I feel like I have accepted the reality of my new life. The reality wherein I should not expect anything from my husband.

"Kabhi kabhi zindagi mein aise padhav aate hain ki hume lagne lagta hai ki hum usse kabhi jeet nahi payenge," Sudha Kaki continues, her hand reaching across the cot to grasp mine. "Par aise samay mein hi hume mazbut rehne ki jarurat hoti hai. Apne aap ko samhalne ki jarurat hoti hai."

("In life, at times, there comes such mode that it makes us feel we will never be able to win against it," Sudha Kaki continues, her hand reaching across the cot to grasp mine. "But in these times, it is important that we remain strong. It is important that we will ourselves to tolerate and persevere.")

"I don't feel strong," I whisper, my voice breaking. "I feel lost."

Kaki gently squeezes my hand. "It's ok to feel lost. It's ok to feel hurt. But it's not ok to keep yourself stuck in that loop of being lost and hurt. You need to try and come out of it. For yourself."

Those last words she had told me echo in my mind and I walk, each step taking me to the harsh reality I need to face.

Face and be strong.

Face and persevere.

For myself.

As I reach the doorstep, I pause, taking a deep breath. Then, pushing the main door open, I step inside.

"It's ok to feel lost. It's ok to feel hurt. But it's not ok to keep yourself stuck in that loop of being lost and hurt."

With those words reverberating in my mind, I walk inside the house, willing myself to face all the adversity with all the courage I can muster.

The moment I step inside the living room, I am met with the cold, sharp stares of Maaji and Chachiji, their expressions twisted with disdain.

"Oho, the queen has arrived after being out gallivanting again," Maaji sneers from where she is seated on the couch. "She only needs excuses to avoid doing her chores."

I take a deep breath, gathering strength to speak up. "I was not out gallivanting. I had gone to meet Sudha Kaki and see how she was doing."

"Really?" Maaji says, glaring at me. "It took you hours to see how she was doing? Did you think the chores in the house will do themselves while you are off having a chat?"

"Kuch nahi sikhaya iski Maa ne. Bas bhej diya hamare sar pe baithne ke liye," Chachiji adds, huffing and shaking her head in disappointment.

("Her mother did not teach her anything. Only sent her here to sit on our heads.")

Their words sting, the weight of their scorn pressing down on me. But I do not let my resolve waver. Closing my eyes, I remember Sudha Kaki's words and cling to them like a lifeline.

I won't take it. I won't take it anymore.

"I always do my share of the work," I say, my voice loud and with such edge that they look stunned. "And I will go and do them now too. I never try to avoid from doing any chores.")

Their stunned silence fills the living room as I head to my room to freshen up and get changed.

But as I reach the staircase, I pause when I hear Chachiji's voice.

"Whole day, either you run your feet to go out of the house, or run your mouth to eat. And now you have also started running your tongue to disrespect us?" She glares at me. "Why don't you try to run your hands to do the chores? Perhaps then, the fat from your body and mind would shed off, and you would learn to respect your elders."

"You need to do that more than me," I counter, unwilling to back down or cower due to the nervousness rising within me.

I cannot--and won't--be vulnerable in front of them anymore. I won't let them take advantage of it.

Chachiji frowns at me. "What do you mean?"

"Umm, actually, Chachiji, I had heard you talk with your friend day before yesterday. You were telling her that you were watching your diet because your recent weight gain. But you lied, didn't you?" I ask, folding my hands over my chest and tilting my head a bit as I gaze at her. "Because you and I both know that you can never control yourself when it comes to eating. That is why, I am telling you this. Do some house works. If you keep sitting in the sofa, just eating and shouting all day, your weight will never decrease."

Shocking them as well as myself with those words, I turn and rush to my room, feeling my heart pounding against my chest.

Once inside the room, I close the door and slump against it, feeling my whole body tremble.

I have no idea what came over me that I spoke in such a harsh manner with Chachiji.

But she deserved it.

Taking deep breaths, I try to steady myself and my racing heartbeat, wondering what the consequences of my harshly spoken words would be.

I am sure they will tell everything to Prathamji and I will have to bear the brunt of his anger.

Not only that, they might even throw me out of the house. After all, they had thrown Sudha Kaki just because she told Prathamji about their treatment-or rather, mistreatment-toward me. And that too, when they used to consider Kaki as their family member.

But me.... They do not consider me as their family. So, why would they not throw me out after I misbehaved with them?

Both instances only slightly scare me, especially when I try thinking about what I would do and where I would go if they threw me out of the house.

I am sure Babuji won't take me in and Yash Bhaiyya may or may not help me. After knowing what he did to get me married and then no communication from him since the marriage, my faith in my brother has begun to waver.

I sigh, sinking to the couch, shaking my head to stop thinking about it.

What's done has been done. The only thing I can hope for now is to have strength to bear and fight against whatever consequences that might come my way.