I looked around in a panic but calmed down when I recognized Kabuto's lab. I saw an IV stuck in my arm and my once bloodied clothes were changed with clean ones.

"I swear a woman better have changed me." I tried to move but my body was too sore and stiff. "How long have I been out?" I wondered. "How could I have been so foolish? I should've used Slicing Blade right away." I thought as I looked down at my hands.

I heard the door open making me snap my head towards it seeing Kabuto walking in. He looked over at me giving me a small smile as he walked towards me.

"I see you're finally awake." He said as he sat down in the chair next to me.

"H-how," I started with a hoarse voice so I cleared my throat a few times before continuing. "How long have I been out?"

"A little over a week. I thought you'd never wake up." He said as his hands started to glow green and checked me over. "Does anything hurt?"

"My pride," I said looking back down watching his hands hover over my legs.

He let out a small chuckle. "Anything else?"

"Well, my body is sore," I answered trying to move my arm but a small pain stopped me.

"Well you did take quite a beating so I'm not surprised. You also have some nerve damage so you might be in pain for a while." He replied before getting up.

"Kabuto," I called out. "W-what do you think Lord Orochimaru will say? I-is he angry that I was defeated?" I questioned honestly afraid.

"I haven't seen him since you came back. He's been resting, he'll need a new body soon. This one is starting to reject him."

After he left, I started to feel nervous. I didn't know how Father will act knowing I was too weak to handle my opponents. I failed him, no matter how much I train I still encounter a challenge and get my ass kicked. When it's time, he won't choose me to be his new vessel, he'll choose Sasuke...but I don't think Sasuke is planning to be his new vessel though. Despite what he said to our former team, I know he wants to defeat Itachi on his own and he won't get the chance if Father needs a new body soon.

I must be doing something wrong when training...it could be because I train myself. My head snapped towards the door when I heard someone approaching. Father walked in and came towards me with Kabuto and Sasuke in toe. I was honestly surprised to see Sasuke; I thought he wouldn't give two shits about me.

"Now that you're awake, what happened out there?" Father questioned getting to the point.

I relayed what happened during the fight feeling terrible as I realized each mistake I made. Once I was finished, Father was silent for a few moments.

"Once you're fully recovered, I will train you so this doesn't happen again." He said before turning away heading for the door.

"Wait," I spoke up making him stop, "I want to start right away."

He slightly turned back letting me see only the side of his face.

"You just woke up, your body needs to rest. If you're so eager, I'll give you easy things to work on. Keep your eyes activated at all times, you won't over work them again if you train them properly. Start with that then I'll give you a few more tasks." He said before walking out followed by Sasuke.

I did what he said and activated my eyes watching Father return to his room and Sasuke went into the training room. I laid back down trying to get comfortable but this wasn't an actual bed so it was pretty uncomfortable. Kabuto soon left after checking me over again then returned with rice trying to get my stomach use to digesting solid food then left again. I shifted again as my back started to hurt. I wanted to be back in my own room in my soft bed instead of this lab table; the two blankets placed under me wasn't helping at all.

I was left with my own thoughts which wasn't the best right now. I kept replaying my battle over again pointing out every mistake I made.

"I could've used Needle Jizo to deflect their weapons...probably would've protected me from getting burned too. My bones could've protected me also." I said to myself clutching my fists. "I should've gone for the kill each time but I wanted to test my abilities and look where that got me. I should've summoned Manda to help with them, he could've eaten them easily. I wasn't thinking, I was too busy freaking out over how many people I was up against instead of thinking of a strategy. I should've put actual poison in Sinju...Sinju, did Athena bring my bag back? She better have, I worked hard on Sinju."

I looked over towards the door seeing Sasuke heading towards the lab. I was too caught up in my thoughts to notice.

"Come in," I said when he was about to knock. He opened the door with a blank expression on his face. "What do I owe the pleasure?" I questioned.

"Kabuto wanted me to check in." He lied looking down at the ground.

"Nice try Sasuke but you weren't near Kabuto since I woke up." I thought. "But I'll play along."

"How thoughtful," I commented. "Since you're here, can you carry me to my room?" I said holding out my arms ignoring the pain that shot up them.

"What? No!" He replied with a glare.

I shrugged and sat up suppressing a grunt when pain shot through my body. I swung my legs over the table attempting to stand but I fell to the ground. I tried to get up but my legs wouldn't move...what happened to me? I heard Sasuke sigh and he walked over helping me to my feet. He put my arm around his neck then put an arm under my legs carrying me bridal style to my room. It wasn't a long walk which I bet Sasuke was grateful for, I know he's hating this right now. When we reached my room he placed me on my soft bed.

"Did Athena bring my bag?" I questioned before he left.

"It's still in my room, I'll grab it for you." He replied.

Just before he closed the door I spoke again, "thank you Sasuke."

He hesitated before closing the door looking as if he were going to reply but chose not to and closed the door. I couldn't just sit here and do nothing but my body wasn't letting me do anything. I cursed and hit the bed in frustration.

"Why am I so weak?" I whispered looking down at my hands.

"You're not weak," Sasuke spoke up as he walked into my room.

Once again I was caught off guard. "Yes I am Sasuke. This is the second time you snuck up on me even with my eyes activated." I let out a small chuckle. "I almost died...I probably should have."

I was shocked that I said that out loud. I didn't mean to but it just came out. I looked over at Sasuke hoping he'd just ignore my comment. Sasuke was silent for awhile most likely trying to find the right words. He walked over to my bed placing my bag down on my desk.

"You were ambushed, they had experience and teamwork against you. When Kabuto healed you, you should've woken up right after but you didn't. He said that you might never wake up."

"Why did he think that?" I questioned raising a brow.

"Because you didn't have the will to live." His words did shock me. I remembered when I was waiting for Athena that I said I should die but...I didn't think my words were true. "He checked your mind and said there wasn't a lot of brain activity. After a few hours your body started to shut down again and it took days for him to get you in stable condition. Did you really want to die?"

I opened my mouth then closed it again not knowing what to say. "I...I remember thinking, before I passed out, 'do I have anything to live for?'"

I looked up at Sasuke seeing him staring at me but I quickly looked back down. I was a little curious on why he even cared to talk to me but it did feel nice to talk my feelings out.

"I don't have anything to live for Sasuke, my only purpose in this life is to die."

"What do you mean?" He questioned.

"When I was young, before going to the Leaf, Orochimaru promised me that I would eventually become his vessel....or I'd use my Subete Miru to bring him back to life which would kill me. That power I used in the Land of Waves to bring you back...that is meant for him. You were still barely alive when I used it which is why I didn't die but it's suppose to kill me. That's the whole reason why he captured a woman from the Himura Clan, so I can revive him."

"Why didn't he just use the woman to revive him herself instead of forcing her to have a child?"

"I did wonder about that since he told me I was born naturally...my only conclusion was so that the user would be devoted and never betray him...and he got it."

Sasuke put a hand on my shoulder most likely trying to comfort me the best he can but soon left without another word. I felt a little better talking it out but his words still stuck with me. I really did lose the will to live.

I was ripped from my thoughts when I saw Father leaving his room heading towards mine. I sat straight up as he entered. He had four training weights in his arms along with a few books and strolled over to my desk placing them closer to the bed.

"You will wear these to get your strength back. Start with ten pounds each and we'll add more pounds as your body is back to full strength." He said standing over my bed. "These books are about various jutsu and poisons for you to study while resting. Every day I want you to store half of your chakra into your necklace storing it." He ordered.

"I can store my chakra and it gets replenished?" I questioned honestly wishing I knew that a long time ago. "I thought it keeps my chakra unless I make a seal?"

"After I make this seal you will be able to replenish your chakra when sealing it in the necklace." He said making the ram hand sign followed by dog dragon and horse before touching the necklace making it glow blue.

I looked down at it feeling a bit angry he didn't do this sooner. "Yes Lord Orochimaru," I replied bowing my head.

I looked back up at him seeing a strange look in his eyes that I've never seen before. I kept my face blank but I was confused about what he was feeling right now.

"How are you feeling? Kabuto said it's almost time for another vessel." I questioned honestly wanting to know the truth.

"Don't worry about me child, I've been through this many times. Focus on getting your strength back." He said as he turned away exiting my room.

He was different. I could tell he was getting weaker as each day passed which started to concern me. If someone were to attack us, he'd be an easy target. In the shape that I'm in, I won't be able to protect him. I needed to get better faster. I sent chakra to my hand until it glowed green and started to run it over my legs hoping it would help heal my nerves but I knew if Kabuto couldn't do it then I definitely couldn't but I had to try.

It was useless, after what felt like hours, I didn't notice a change. I gave up and stored my chakra into the necklace then reached for one of the books. I grabbed the one about poison getting an idea of what to put into Sinju. It was very difficult to read while able to see all my surrounds trying to focus on that also. I'm guessing this is the main reason Father brought me books to read; so I could focus on everything.

I grew tired of reading while watching each movement in the hideout and shut the book putting it back on the desk. It was getting late and I could see Kabuto in the kitchen with a woman who showed up about an hour ago. It looks like they were discussing something while she was making dinner; most likely another disciple of Father's. Sasuke just finished training and retired to his room to rest while Father stayed in his own room resting as well. At the end of the hall were stairs which I couldn't see below which frustrated me. I wanted to be able to see below and above ground as well like the clan members who were able to.

Kabuto headed towards my room leaving the woman alone in the kitchen and walked in giving me a plate with fish and vegetables on it.

"Who is that woman who cooked this?" I questioned looking down at my food. "And please tell me she was the one who changed my clothes."

"Guren, she's one of Lord Orochimaru's followers and yes she did. She thinks she's worthy of being his next vessel." Kabuto explained which made me scoff.

"Is she serious? Why does she think so?"

"She has crystal release. Lord Orochimaru only wants her power to experiment on, not to have. Most likely he'll give it to you if it's successful."

I looked back up at him then took a bite of my food. "I see, how foolish of her." I commented then took another bite.

He left again heading towards Father's room giving him a plate. When I was finished eating, I laid down on my bed looking up at the ceiling thinking about the dream I had while I was out but all I could remember was being darkness and a light also some voices. It was fuzzy but the more I thought about it, the more I started to remember.

_______

I was floating in darkness unable to feel, see, or hear anything. I looked around trying to find any source of life.

"Am I dead?" I wondered as I looked around.

Suddenly, I saw a light appear to my left and I instinctively started to head towards it, but I stopped halfway there.

"Go," I heard someone whisper.

I turned around but didn't see anyone. "Go where?" I called out.

"Towards the light. You'll find peace." The voice echoed.

I recognized the voice, it was mine. "Peace," I whispered then looked back at the light heading towards it once again.

I stopped once more looking behind me seeing a few figures. Who were these people? I squinted unable to recognize them. Are they important to me? Why are they here? Finally after a few moments, I remembered them.

My team, Kakashi, my old sensei, he protected us in the Land of Waves. He encouraged our skills but wasn't really there to train me, he wasn't that much of a sensei but he did save my life. Sakura, my old teammate, she hardly did anything and was annoying, but she was really sweet when you were on her good side.

Naruto, he annoyed me too but never gave up which part of me admired. Sasuke, an acquaintance or maybe a friend? Comrade? I didn't know what we were but he was the reason I was in the Leaf, he was the reason why I was weak in the first place. I could've stayed and became stronger with Father training me instead of wasting my time in the academy. He was my first student though and he never annoyed me. The other three, they meant nothing to me now, I betrayed them and they hated me.

Kabuto, my first..friend? I didn't trust him at first and he taught me medical ninjutsu but we never really bonded. Kankuro, a sand ninja, the first person who actually tried to know and understand me. He never cared about my affiliation or who I betrayed...he wanted to save me; he cared. Lastly, Father. The man who destroyed an entire clan just to get their power to create me. He only wanted me to make him either powerful or revive him if he ever died. He doesn't love me or even care. He has Sasuke now, he doesn't need me. I turned back towards the light.

"I have nothing in the physical world but pain." I said as I started to walk again. "I just want peace."

Just before I was about to go into the light something stopped me. I turned away from the light and back towards everyone.

"No, I can't take the easy way out, the cowards way. I must become stronger no matter what." I said as I walked back towards everyone walking right through Father. "I don't need anyone, I just need myself."

Edited: 2/20/2021