Nick Fury was about to get wrapped in a slithering scarf. A really nasty one, too. Loki clenched his fists, and tried to contain his irritation. He did not understand Fury's hasty and harsh rejection of his suggestion.

"Thor's pretty simple, so I could see this coming from him, but not you!" The one-eyed mortal was almost spitting in his agitation. "You're the God of Mischief. You brought three realms to their knees and barely blinked. Your nickname is Silver Tongue. And this awesome suggestion you have for curing or preventing super villains is SEX?"

Loki could not resist. "Perhaps if you were getting any, you would appreciate the potential of mayhem prevention."

Fascinating. He had not known that dark skinned mortals could still turn red. It was one of the most disturbing sights he had seen in over a century. Nick Fury's bulging eye and tendon popping appearance suggested he might be copying Bruce Banner's signature move. This was what Loki lived for!

He could not seem to stop. "I understand that there are discreet mortal women who sell pleasure, if you are willing to pay the price. Perhaps one of them could tutor you in the field of stress reduction."

He wondered if Thor would yell at him for causing Fury to pop like a puss-filled pimple. Rage seemed to have strangled the S.H.I.E.L.D agent, and his hands were clenched like claws, no doubt wanting to rip out Loki's heart.

"You really should try to calm down. Your eye is about to pop." Loki pressed his fingertips together, and allowed a tragic look to flow across his face. "It would be most unfortunate if you were rendered blind. I believe it would hamper your ability to battle super villains." He found his serenity in the mischief that had defined his life. "Should you not find some reliable means of stress relief for yourself, you may become the very thing you battle."

This was becoming tedious. Fury seemed right on the edge of exploding, but his impotent rage was not pushing him over into the abyss. It was a pity. Loki always enjoyed when Banner's rage broke free, because it wasn't worried about what it said, or did. It embraced the darker personality traits.

A noise at the door to Fury's office had Loki turning his head to see who was brave enough to peek in. It was Stark.

"Huh," the playboy said thoughtfully. "What did you say to him? I've never seem him incapable of speech before."

"I merely suggested that he look into the merits of sex as aggression prevention. Your thoughts on that? Do you truly think that a super villain would be able to continue an evil campaign if being ambushed by an energetic woman? Would he have turned into a super villain at all?" He cast his eyes toward the ceiling. "I may have also suggested that he was suffering a terrible dry spell, and it could push him into becoming a super villain himself."

Stark blinked at him. "Thor didn't mention this side of you, Loki. It's disturbing. And relatable. I'm not sure if I want to applaud you, or vomit."

The God of Mischief smirked. "I have that affect on most beings who meet me. I like to think that it makes my father proud."

The annoyingly good Steve Rogers poked his head around the door frame. "What's going on in here?"

"Beat it kid," Stark advised. "Loki's embraced his God of Mischief personality again. You can't handle it. Trust me." His lips twisted into a smile. "Send Natasha in. She'll handle it and appreciate it."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "Exactly how will she 'handle' it? I have no needs at this time, but Fury appears to require massive stress relief. Natasha is very capable, but I thought that mortals frowned upon that sort of thing amongst co-workers."

Rogers turned red, made a few inarticulate noises, and fled. Stark just laughed. "Way to go, Loki. He'll be having naughty dreams tonight."

Loki shuddered as he imagined what Rogers might do with the suggested naughty dreams. "I could have lived out the rest of my near immortal existence without thinking about that. I believe that now you have made me want to vomit."

"Then my day is complete. You're fun. Thor kinda hinted that you were a wet blanket at parties, but I bet you'd be a blast."

"I have my moments. Thor...talks about me?"

"Of course he does. You're his brother. He's very proud of you."

Loki's brow wrinkled. "Why?" he asked in genuine confusion. "What have I done to make him proud of me?"

"Maybe you should ask him," Stark suggested. "Nick. You breathing yet?"

Loki had almost forgotten Fury. He turned to check on the S.H.I.E.L.D director. Fury had regained some control, and was staring daggers. He did not appear to share Stark's amusement of Loki's proposal, and his fingers were still flexing. Had Loki not been Asgardian (well, adopted Asgardian), he might be intimidated. But he had survived Odin's wrath, and Heimdall's, so an angry mortal did not frighten him.

"I think you're late, Loki," Fury told him in a clipped, icy voice.

"Late for what, Nicholas?"

"Your funeral. You try your God of Mischief shit on me again, and I'll stomp your skinny ass. Now, unless you have a useful suggestion to make, I suggest you find your way out of here as quickly as possible."

"But Nicholas...I like you. I think I will hang out here more often. We will have good times. I have developed a fondness for vodka. You might like it. In lieu of sex, it can help you relax."

He tried to contain a wide smile as Fury growled. "I don't care if you're Thor's brother. You need a good old fashioned ass beating. Why didn't Odin ever do it? You might have turned out better."

That was crossing the line in a big way. Loki moved so quickly that Fury did not even know he had moved until the God of Mischief was right in his face. "You risk your continued health by making negative comments about my father. There are some things that are off limit to discussion. My family is one of those topics."

Fury did not back down. "Fine. We don't discuss my sex life either!"

"Or lack of?" Stark dared to ask.

"Stark – you need to shut up. Or you'll be second on my ass beating list."

Loki's mouth stretched into a tight smile. "Do not trouble yourself, Iron Man. He will not be capable of moving past the first being on his list." Loki bared his teeth at the foolish mortal in front of him, leaning closer until their noses almost brushed. "Do not make the mistake of thinking that I have been tamed and neutered. Verbal sparring and juvenile tricks may be entertaining, but for me, they are no more than an afterthought." He drew back, and smoothed his coat. "You would do well to not forget what I am capable of."

Fury did not back down. "You have daddy issues. I get that. Have some respect for those of us that are trying to make a difference. Those of us who are fighting against the chaos. If you can't do that, then stay away from us."

"But come to the parties," Stark interjected. He grinned rakishly. "You'd be a blast. I want to take you out with me. Ladies love the naughty guy. You could make their clothes disappear, right?"

Loki turned a quizzical eye on the billionaire child. "I thought you more creative than that. Magically stealing a woman's clothes is the best you think of? A strategic tightening of their undergarments would put them into a state of continuous arousal, without satisfaction. You and I would provide that satisfaction. After hours of stimulation, their poor minds would be well and completely blown. We would be Gods of Sex. We could rule the world." He frowned. "Well, I would rule the world. You would tire and wither before long, and the women would no longer flock to you. You can be my naughty sex minion."

It was the first time he had ever seen Tony Stark off balance. The Iron Man was doing a great impersonation of a fish out of water, with his mouth opening and closing. Then he seemed to shake himself. "I forgot, for a minute, that you are truly disturbed. Thank you for reminding me. I feel Thor's pain right now."

"Children – I do have matters of national and worldly security to attend to." Fury was composed again as Loki turned back to him. He was even almost smiling. "Loki, you may return when you've outgrown your horny teenager stage, or if I call you. Stark – just go. Right now I don't want to look at you. What the two of you do outside of this place, I don't want to know." He pointed imperiously toward the door of his office.

Loki debated it for a moment, but decided that Fury was right. It was time to go. He was getting bored, and wanted to begin exploring mortal dating customs. He inclined his head in acceptance.

"If you require assistance in implementing my suggestion, Nicholas, you may call on me."

A tic in the corner of Fury's eye was the only hint of irritation Loki could spot. "I'll be sure to do that. Go."

Loki exited the office, gliding past Tony Stark imperiously. "Come minion. Let us go stimulate." He grinned wickedly as he strode down the hallway. The grin faltered when Agent Coulson and six other S.H.I.E.L.D agents took up flanking positions around him. And Stark.

"Director Fury was concerned that you may have forgotten your way out," Coulson explained smoothly. "He didn't want you to wander around in circles."

One jet black eyebrow arched. "Am I to understand that I am being escorted out of Avengers Headquarters?"

Coulson's serene little smile was almost insulting. "Escorted is such a strong word. Think of me as a guide."

Loki drew himself up like the king's son that he was, and turned cold looks upon any he passed. Yes, he was that important that he required an escort of seven agents. The effect was only slightly tarnished by Tony Stark's complaints as the playboy was hustled along behind the Asgardian.

"Why am I getting kicked out, Coulson? I'm part of the team! I AM the team!"

"Your continued presence was deemed 'disruptive' today, Mr. Stark. The hope is that you'll mature a few years after you leave."

Loki could not prevent the chuckle that escaped his mouth. "I fear there is little hope of that, Agent Coulson. However, I will attempt to keep my minion occupied so that he does not annoy Director Fury."

Stark huffed. "Stop calling me a minion, Loki. I'm no one's minion."

"You are my bitch now, Stark." Loki grinned. "Be grateful. It was either that, or I would have enchanted you into perpetual impotence. I will be in touch regarding our nights of debauchery. Agent Coulson – please give Nicholas a smacking big kiss for me."

The unflappable agent's disturbing little smile didn't waver. "I'll be sure to do that, Loki. Here's the out door."

Loki's coat flared around him, and he melted from sight. An echoing laugh was his final parting gesture. Inside, he cringed a little. Thor would never let him hear the end of this.

♾️ ♾️ ♾️

I can't with Loki really. Lmao he's just something else.

I stan Lony for real. Gah.

Vote and comment.. or don't. I don't care. BYE BITCH.

Love,
InfinityHaze ♾️