There was barely a knock at Jude's office door before it flew open. She looked up from her scheduling to see Arthur Arden, Carl, and the Monsignor practically running each other over in her threshold. "Gentlemen." She stood calmly.

"Sister." Arden was the first to claim the chair. "This place is a madhouse."

"Yes, I'm aware." She looked to the one who would no doubt make the most sense at the moment. "Carl?"

The buff orderly raised his hands in surrender. "I guess I have a knack for sussing out the naughty nuts, Sister Jude."

"What happened?" Father Howard looked positively scandalized. Arden was stroking his goatee nervously.

"I uh - I caught Shelley up ta no good again." Carl explained. "She went missin' from kitchen detail and I found her at the nurse's station."

"At the nurse's station?" Damn. Shelley worked fast. "Is she alright?"

"Oh, she seemed fine. Although the examination she was getting was...questionable, so ta speak."

"A modicum of professionalism, please?" Arden requested.

"Good luck." Jude mumbled. A heavy sigh. "Explain, Carl."

"I'm not certain that -" Jude raised a hand, silencing Timothy Howard's hesitance.

Carl's voice lowered. "Nurse Douglas was um - well, it seemed she was uh - I guess doin' a lady exam on Shelley but -"

"A gynecological exam." Arden clarified. "Which she is not qualified to perform!"

"With her mouth." Carl clarified.

"Ah." Jude sat. "I see."

"No, you didn't see." Carl shook his head. "Burned onta my retinas, that is."

Father Howard was leaning on the window sill, staring out at the peaceful falling snow, clearly trying to put himself anywhere but here in this office in this moment. Jude almost sympathized. "Carl. Are you certain that you saw -"

"It was a mutual exam, Sister Jude." He looked sheepish. "If ya get me."

Arden stabbed a finger at Jude. "I told you she needed distraction!"

"They've been makin' ornaments far the tree! She has kitchen duty, laundry duty, bathroom duty! What more can I possibly distract her with, Doctor?"

"She seemed pretty distracted in the nurse's station." Carl offered helpfully.

"Shut up, Carl!" Jude snapped. She flung open a drawer, thrust a sheet of paper at the orderly. "Here. I need a report."

"Anothah one?" Carl groaned. "I'm startin' ta feel like a pulp novelist, Sistah."

"The point here is that Shelley just had a disciplinary action what? Two days ago?" Arden asked.

"Yes." Jude threw up her hands. "I'm at a loss, Doctor."

"Corporal punishment doesn't work, Sister Jude."

"Not when they're afflicted by the devil to enjoy it."

"Staff members must be held to a higher standard than patients," the priest spoke quietly. Everyone hushed to hear him. "Sister Jude is correct. Shelley is afflicted. But there is a soul inside to be saved." Arden rolled his eyes. "And there is only so much that can be done at a psychological level. Or a corporal level." He nodded at Jude. "I shall have no choice but to recommend the immediate termination of Nurse Douglas."

"Undoubtedly." Jude tried to look regretful. "I'll draw up the paperwork. Is Nurse Douglas still here?"

"Yes. Awaiting our decision in my office."

Jude nodded. "Would you like me to deliver the news, Fathah?" Pleasepleaseplease...

"Please, Sister. I believe I shall go to solitary for a word with Shelley."

"You, Fathah?"

"Yes, Sister. Me. It's time I reminded our patient that there is help beyond medical reach." He dabbed his sweaty forehead with a handkerchief. Clearly his broken arm was paining him.

Quietly, so as not to embarrass him, Jude halted him. "With all due respect, Timothy. I believe you should go easy far a time. Give yar arm a rest. Take something far the pain. I'll handle Shelley. Let her stew far a while."

He patted her hand on his good arm. "Perhaps you're right, Sister. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen." He dismissed himself.

"Carl. Yar report on my desk befar ya leave today. Dr. Arden. I will...discuss terms with Shelley."

"Worst case scenario, Sister? A hysterectomy is a simple procedure that will -"

"This is an asylum, Doctah." Jude reminded him firmly. "Not a butcher shop. There will be no unnecessary surgeries on my watch." She gave no time for replies. Swept out her own door and down the hall to the Monsignor's office.

Katherine Douglas stood when the imposing nun entered. "Sister Jude." She was red faced. Looked as though she'd been crying. "I can't imagine what you think of me -"

"It's not my place to pass judgment, Nurse Douglas." Jude didn't leave her position near the door. Didn't feel the need to. "Not outside of a professional capacity. I doubt I have ta tell you yar behavior is so far outside of Briarcliff's code of conduct that a new zip code has been created far it."

"I don't know what came over me."

"The devil works in mysterious ways."

"That patient -"

"Shelley is just that, Nurse. A patient."

"Who is causing me to lose my job."

"I'm not certain it's fair ta blame a mental patient far that."

The blonde took a deep breath. Her bosom swelled impressively. "Can I get my things?"

"I'll have a membah of security escort ya to the lockers and out. Discreetly."

"Frank?"

Jude hoped she wasn't smiling. "Mr. McCann is...otherwise engaged."

"Oh."

"I believe Mr. Harold will be taking you." Jude opened the door. "I'm sorry things ended on these terms, Miss Douglas. But I wish you luck in all yar coming endeavors."

"Thank you, Sister," Katherine whispered. She exited with her head downcast. Tom Harold waited for her in the corridor.

As soon as the two disappeared, Jude fist pumped. "Yesss," she hissed. A quick victory twirl. She couldn't wait to tell Frank. But first...

A soft knock next door. The Monsignor had chambers at Briarcliff, as well, although he typically spent his nights at the rectory. There were times when overnight stays were essential. "Come in." Small and spartan, his quarters, mostly bookshelf.

"Hello, Fathah. Fargive my intrusion."

"No intrusion, Sister." He was seated in a wingback chair, a teacup at his side. "Would you care for tea?"

"No, thank you. I just wanted ta let you know Nurse Douglas has been...dispatched."

He looked highly troubled. "Disappointing."

"Yes."

"Is it - is it really that good, do you suppose?"

"I don't follow." She didn't. Looked like the morphine was already taking effect again.

"You know." He made an amorphous gesture that may or may not have indicated his crotch. "Intimacy, Sister. Sex."

"Ah." She hoped a high blush wasn't rising in her cheeks but couldn't control it in the slightest. "Erm. I suppose...each of God's children is created in a singular way and perhaps some of them...yes, I suppose they find it appealing. But perhaps there are - no, certainly there are those others who -"

"Was it, though?" He leaned forward, clarifying something. "I ask you, Sister, because you were not always with the church. You came from a secular life and Mother Claudia told me once that you were nearly married."

"She did?"

And you have since confided in me that the secular life you led was one of regret. So I assume -"

"You really pay attention sometimes, don't ya?" She scoffed lightly. "So you assume that sex is something I regret?"

"No. I'm assuming you had sex in the first place. Which could be an errant and ignorant assumption in the highest. Because yes, I know what happens when one assumes, Sister."

"Who told you that euphemism?" She gestured to herself. "Me?"

"I may have heard it from you, yes."

"I'm going to start saying far less around you from now on, Fathah." She turned to the door, needing an escape.

"You didn't answer my question, Sister."

"I didn't?"

"You deflected it quite well." He chuckled, relaxed in his chair. "It is a sensitive subject, isn't it?"

"I believe so."

"What was it like?"

Her hand was on the door latch. The latch was cold in her fingers. She leaned against the door. Didn't look at the priest when she spoke. "Have you evah prayed so desperately, so strongly. Reaching for a real connection ta God. Prayed so - so deeply that everything around you seems to disappear and you can only focus on one thing - on that prayer. All you can think about is God hearin' ya and ya just want that beautiful perfect moment where you can hear Him talking back? But even if - even if that moment doesn't happen...it doesn't mattah because...the connection was what mattered the whole time?" She opened her eyes to see the priest staring at her, mouth slightly open. "It's a lot like that."

He nodded. "That sounds wonderful."

A soft laugh. "Does it?"

"A difficult thing to leave behind."

Jude shrugged. "Substitutions."

"Ah."

"I'm going to talk to Shelley now, Fathah."

"Potatoes."

Jude blinked. "Pardon?"

"My suggestion for Shelley." Jude clearly needed more. "My parents were in the war. World War II. They lived just outside of London. There were very strict rations, at the time, you see. Many people were hungry. My father had an understanding of gardening. He converted the lot behind their house into a potato patch."

"I think I see the merit in yar recommendation."

"They fed many, my parents. In the midst of a war, carpet bombings, a failing marriage. They grew...like a lot of potatoes. Probably thousands. Possibly. During the bombings, my mother would huddle beneath the stairwell, me in one arm, potatoes in the other."

Jude smiled. There was a comforting warmth in this sudden intimacy between them. This revelation. "You must be very fond of potatoes, then."

"Good God, no. Won't touch them. Dismal things. I'll never eat one again."

"Ah."

"But." He sat again. "An excellent distraction."

Opening the cell door, Jude was reminded just how tiny the solitary rooms were. She shivered. "Come on out."

"Thanks, Sister." Shelley stretched proudly, preening a little. "Getting cramped in there."

"I imagine." The door clanged shut and the women stood in the hall. Shelley leaned against a wall. "I'm not gonna lie. I'm impressed."

"It was nothing."

Jude gestured down the hall and they started walking. "Dr. Arden believes you need a hysterectomy."

"That guy's a fucking psycho, Sister Jude."

"Professionally, I'm required ta say he speaks from a physician's perspective."

"Unprofessionally?"

"Yeah, he might be a psycho. And the Monsignor thinks you should be growing potatoes and getting carpet bombed."

"Sister Jude?" They stopped near the door to the main floor. "Are we the only sane people in this place?"

A gentle smile. "I'm a woman of my word, Shelley. I still have ta make it look like yar undah punishment. But what do ya want?"

"When I was in highschool, I sang in the choir. Did you know that?"

"Mary Eunice mentioned it."

"In church, too. Bet you never imagined somebody like me going to church."

Jude chuckled. "It wouldn't surprise me if you were very...active in the church, Shelley."

"HAH! You know, you're kinda funny sometimes, Sister." She touched Jude's arm. "I wanna put together a little choir here. For Christmas. I know it sounds crazy, but honest - some of these loonies can really sing! I've heard them!"

"There's not a lot of time now, Shelley."

"I'm not saying it's gonna be perfect. But maybe it would be the start of something really great. And you could always say it's part of my therapy."

A sigh. "Promise me you'll be good from now on, Shelley. Because I don't wanna have ta fight far ya ta keep yar uterus. Understand?"

"You'd fight for my uterus, Sister Jude?"

"I'd fight far any woman's uterus. I don't truck with eugenics." A self-deprecating eye roll. "I mean, don't get me wrong. Maybe...murderahs. I wouldn't recommend lettin' 'em churn out more little terrors."

"See? We agree on something!" Shelley punched the nun's shoulder and Jude winced. "I'm just a harmless slut. So. Do I get to make some nuts sing or what, Sister?"

A finger in the young blonde's face. "Don't make me regret this decision, Shelley."

A hand thrust. "Shake on it."

Jude looked at the hand, but made no motion to shake it. "No, thanks. I know where that hand's been." They resumed walking.

"You want the juicy details, Sister? Emphasis on the juicy."

"No, Shelley."

"I had her squealing like a plump baby piglet."

"Stop."

"She was sopping like a mop."

"Shelley -"

"Four fingers deep to the knuckles."

"I'll change my mind!"

"Spanked that fluffy ass til the kitty was purring."

"Let's go back ta solitary." Jude stopped, gesturing behind them. Shelley only laughed, giddy and drunk on her triumph.

Jude's seat at the senior staff lunch table was empty. Until she sat in it. She smiled, sipping her tea. Carl soon sat across from her, picking up the tomato that had fallen from his sandwich. "Hey. Good to see you back, Sistah. Nice ta not be meowed at while I try ta eat."

"Thank you, Carl. I feel truly welcomed back."

Mary Eunice was next to sit, sliding close to Jude. "Missed you, Sister."

"Thank you, Eunice."

"I uh - I heard ya already let Shelley out of solitary." Carl said.

"Shelley was in solitary? Again?" Eunice had missed the excitement of the morning. "What happened?" She looked around, just noticing something. "Where is Kitty?"

"No longah employed at our facility," Carl supplied oh so professionally.

"I'll fill ya in latah, Eunice." A gesture to Carl, who understood. "Did you three manage ta find an acceptable tree this morning?"

"Yes!" Eunice smiled. "And no squirrels, I'm happy to report. Frank is erecting it now in the common room."

"I'm sure Frank will have a stellar erection, little sistah." Carl assured.

"Carl." Jude gave him a pointed look.

"Sorry."

Finally, Frank sat to her right. "Sistah Jude. Welcome back."

"Thanks, Frank."

"Where's uh - where's Nurse Douglas?"

"Currently pursuing othah opportunities?" Carl offered. Frank's eyes slid askance to Jude's. Carl continued, clearly enjoying himself. "She's being a great asset - for anothah employah. Permanently dismissed from our midst. Relieved of her contractual oblimigations. Released from the captivity of this job. Sacked. Axed. Sent packin.' Removed like an old couch. Congratulated on a very early retirem -"

"Carl. Enough."

"Interesting." Frank placed a pack of crackers on Jude's tray, seeing she hadn't grabbed any for her soup. "What happened?"

"I'll tell you latah." Jude dumped the oyster crackers into her chowder.

"Must have something to do with sex," Eunice whispered to Carl. "It always does when none of you want to talk about it in front of me."

"It's inappropriate conversation far eating, Eunice." Jude said, although Eunice was absolutely correct.

"Dunno why." Carl shrugged, plucking lettuce from his lap. "It involved eating, so -"

"Carl!"

"Nurse Douglas was eating...in an off-limits eating area?" Frank asked helpfully.

"Exactly." Jude snapped her fingers.

"With Shelley." Carl added. "At the same time."

"I didn't realize we were getting so strict on the designated eating areas." Eunice was shaking her head.

"Only if we've already given them 69 warnings." Carl winked at Frank.

"Carl." Jude warned.

"Oh, damn!" Frank laughed. "That's um...that's a lot of chances."

Eunice sighed heavily. "I imagine Shelley will be spending a great many days in solitary."

"Solitary isn't working." Jude pushed her soup away, sipping her tea now. "Neither is caning. All I can think to do is take Dr. Arden's suggestion and offer her more distraction. Work projects. The Monsignor has even recommended gardening."

"Well. Idle hands." Eunice pointed out.

"And tongues," Carl added.

"Carl!"

"I suppose I can give her extra ornaments to make." Eunice wondered aloud. "Or maybe she could work on a garland."

"She'll be arranging a choral performance far the next few days. Putting togethah some patients she has in mind. I've arranged some extra security in the gymnasium with them. If you don't mind, Frank."

"Whatevah you want, boss."

"Sister!" Eunice seemed incensed. "I really think this is a bad idea. Honestly! And what if it's rewarding her already bad behavior! Dr. Arden says -"

Jude leveled a matter of fact gaze at Eunice. "You know what, Sistah? If you wanna spend all day disagreeing with my methods, you can get in line behind Dr. Arden. But I recommend you try to avoid spending yar time on this earth standing behind any man and formulate yar own opinions based on facts and instinct. Do we have an accord?"

A heavy swallow. "Yes, Sister." The table sobered.

"Hate that I missed tha fireworks," Frank murmured.

"I can fill you in aftah yar shift this evening." Jude offered softly. "If you like."

"Sounds good. I can fill you in, too." He poured her some more tea from the pitcher. "About the uh - tree."

"I do like to be filled. In."

The guard shifted uncomfortably. Cleared his throat. "Good ta have ya back, boss." Quieter: "And yar front."

After lunch they walked to the gymnasium, arms occasionally just brushing. "So uh...is it true what Carl said? Nurse Douglas and Shelley?"

"Unfortunately yes."

"Funny seeing as how Shelley just got in trouble about that new orderly."

"Some people never learn."

"True." He conceded. "Also a little funny that she's gettin' punished by gettin' exactly what she wants."

"Are you criticizing my methods, too?"

"I thoroughly appreciate all your methods, boss." Frank nodded to the security guard stationed outside the gymnasium's double doors. "Wally. How's it goin' in there?"

The lanky black guard shook his head. "Smooth as silk so far." A curt nod to the nun. "Sister Jude."

"Mr. Wallace." Jude peeked inside the gym. Indeed, things seemed pretty on the level. Shelley had three groups of four or five loonies separated There was a controlled cacophony within. The patient in charge was clearly selecting pitches and tones. Jude felt the beginnings of being impressed. Again.

They headed back down the hall. "I wanna take a look at this tree."

"It's not a bad lookin' shrub." Frank smiled.

"Eunice have fun picking it out?"

"Of course she did. And supervising me and Carl the whole time."

"Doubtless. I think I'm rubbing off on her."

"Speaking of..." They peered into the common room next, Frank checking for an audience. "You uh - you really want me ta stop by yar office after shift?"

"Please."

"I need a full report on the Nurse Douglas/Shelley situation."

Jude smiled, still watching Eunice tend their busy patients. "Why don't we just get that out of the way now, hm? Because I'd really rathah have a nice, slow fully naked session of you in between my thighs latah."

"Fuckin' Christ, Judy." The guard removed his hat to rub his head. "Yar the boss."

She gestured to the stairs. Up to her office. "It is a good lookin' tree in there, Frank."

"Yeah, the little sistah has good taste. Did you uh - did you tell her to squirrel check it?"

Jude's laughter echoed down the stairs.