"Henry..." My voice slightly cracks and I clear my throat. "Henry, look at me. Do you want to live?" I ask and she starts to cry and whimpers even more. Can I take that as a no? "Look at me. I am sorry... I'm sorry!"

I already killed so many other women, why does this one matter so much all of a sudden.

"Do you want to live? Henry!" I need to know. I will not let her suffer if she does not really want it.

"Yes... yes... dear Lord, help me... yes," she presses out between some heavy sobs. I think she is about to collapse. I need to calm her. I take her from the wall and slowly carry her over in my bed. The wound is bad, but it can get treatment.

"I know I'm the last one from whom you want to hear this now, but you need to trust me. I'll correct my mistake. You will live. I promise." I cup her face with my hands for a moment to force her to look at me.

"Do you understand me? You will live, if you want to," I take off my shirt to press it against her wound and she nearly screams aloud at the sudden impact. I am able to put my hand over her mouth fast enough so that nobody hears her. Damn it. I will become minister of ethical affairs and have a woman with a critical wound in my bed. This is not good.

I need to calm her and get Erwin in here. Fast and unnoticed. He has the necessary equipment and experience. The only experience I have is the first aid from the battlefields. Unlike any vampires, she will not heal fast enough to make sure she will survive with that.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. Think carefully, Ethan! Think!

Then it clicks. I take her hands and press it against the shirt over her wound. "You need to hold this for a moment, little lady." I stroke over her forehead which starts to be covered in sweat. She stares at me blankly and I cannot blame her. I think she is in shock. That is why she is not screaming. She gave in to me and I did that to her. I just approved the rumors about me. It is true that I am a monster and a brute.

I am rummaging around in one of my cabinet drawers. I know that it must be here somewhere. I am not too proud of it, but I am not only smoking tobacco. When I find the little box with the rolled opium cigarettes, I take one out and look at her, as she is still staring at me.

I do not think that she will take it just because I tell her to take it. I need to trick her. I light the opium and take an initial draw. Well, I also need to calm now.

Thinking about it, I can only see one way. I get over to her taking another draw and start to search eye contact with her.

"I will make the pain go away, okay?" I murmur before I take another deep breath, taking her face into my hands. Her eyes widen, when I come close to her face with mine to try as softly as possible but with as much force as needed to press my lips against hers and the smoke into her lungs.

She tries to free herself and coughs when I keep my mouth over hers and my fingers over her nose. I need to make sure she has no other option than to breathe through me.

After she realizes I will not give in, I take over the pressing against her shoulder again. I need to stop the bleeding. She is not able to move up her arm high enough to press against the wound. I guess moving up hurts too much.

"Good, good," I whisper when I let go for a moment and repeat the procedure a few times until she finally starts to breath more steady.

"Look at me," I force her chin in my direction, "Henry, is it better now? I need to get you a doctor, but I cannot bring you there. Do you understand that? I will have to leave to get him here."

She grabs my arm and tries to hold me but her grip is even for a human woman fairly weak. She says no word so I repeat my question. I wonder if she understands me. To my surprise, she is not cursing, or blaming me or trying to fight me right now but just holds me.

"Don't leave me alone!" she starts crying again, "I don't want to die, I don't want to die, please, don't leave me, I don't want to die, please don't kill me," she keeps repeating.

I feel totally caught off guard at her pleading. I feel so bad that I did not realize how much I was hurting her. The thought that Tristan could get hurt made me so angry and anxious, that I lost track of reality.

"All right, little lady. I won't leave you alone," I should stomp out the opium cigarette, but take another draw on my own, "I won't let you die, but I need to get you a doctor."

She still holds my arms while I press the cloth against her wound; holding her half lying on my lap now.

I need to at least give her a proper bandage. I silently keep cursing at my own stupidity. Why did I let go so much? This was totally unnecessary, but I can't get myself to kill her either. How could I kill a girl who just pleaded for me to stay with her, even though I was the one hurting her?

Here is the truth, little Henriette. That is how the truth about me looks: I hurt people.

I sigh deeply and can see and feel that the opium starts to relax her more. Her glassy eyes are still pinned on my face. Softly putting her down I get up to find more cloth that I can use to improvise a bandage. I need to make sure she will not die of blood loss. At least that is what I can do now.

When I turn around again with the necessary clothes, I see another problem coming up. I come close to her and try to undress the upper body, but she starts to panic. I know what she is afraid of and I need to take both of her wrists into my grip.

"Shhh, shhh," I hush and look deeply into her eyes, while she still tries to fight me. "I will take off the upper part of your dress now and bandage the shoulder in a way that will make sure you won't die. I promise I will not do anything else. I will not touch you anymore. Ever. In any other way," I promise.

She still looks at me hesitantly but after a few moments she nods and I do as I said. I cannot deny that she is nice to look at, but I do not desire a wounded body. I am not that kind of man. No matter what I did in the past, I at least can say that I never was that kind of man.

When I am done and the bleeding finally stops enough that I dare to leave her lying alone without holding her, she grabs my wrist. I thought she was just about to give in to the sleepiness the opium gives her, but she still looks at me.

I take the chair from the little table and sit down next to her so that I can hold her hand. This seems to calm her. I need to get Erwin in here to treat her as soon as possible. But how? I need to make it happen without carrying her through half the headquarters or leaving her alone.

What to do?

"You are a complicated man," she murmurs foggy of the opium. I smirk at her. Don't you say, little lady? I think I drugged her a bit too much, but I also feel much more lightheaded now.

In any other case, I would never leave my room when I am stoned like that, but I will need to. I take another deep breath from the opium, before finally stomping it out. I can feel her hand getting limp in mine and this is the moment, I start to realize, that maybe she will never wake again if I do not get Erwin in here now.

I hurry to take on another clean shirt after washing my hand and face. Henry does not wake at the soft sound of the water running down the sink. Good.

At least I hope she is only sleeping. I do not dare to control it before I leave and lock her in. I keep a fast pace step into Erwin's place and nearly enter the morgue-like room running. I can see Warlow and the human woman lying on two biers in its midst.

Erwin looks at me in confusion. "Hello." He looks down again to inspect a bruise on Warlow's shoulder.

"Get your first aid kit, something to treat a broken collarbone and come with me!" I say hastily and he looks up again while laying down the little scalpel.

"What happened?" He hurries away to grab an already packed black bag and just puts in some additional bandages and little bottles with liquids. Looking around in the room, I see a bottle with brown liquid and two glasses next to it.

That is the whiskey. I take the bottle with me and leave his question unanswered while heading out and just making sure he is following me.

"Ethan," he hurries after me and has his problems to keep up with my speed. I do not intend to answer him anything before he stitched up Henry. Every time he tries to start talking, I just fasten my pace. Finally, back in my room, I lock us in.

Erwin pants hard and looks at my wall, floor, and bed first and then at me.

"What? Don't look at me, help her!"

He finally starts with his work. I look at what he is doing while lighting another cigarette and taking a sip of the whiskey. My first thought was that the alcohol could be needed to clean the wound, but Erwin seems to have another liquid with him for that.

Also fine, then I can have another sip.

Henry does not really wake up when he opens the bandage and exchanges the blood-soaked clothes with proper medical ones after cleaning it. "Damn it, Ethan!" he all of a sudden exclaims as he is nearly done with moving her around.

"What did you give her? She is a human, not a vampire!"

He is slightly upset, I think. "I gave her some opium to calm," answering him.

"You drugged her so much; I hope she is not just dying out of shock. What did you think? Did you even think at all?"

"I... didn't mean to...," I start but clench my teeth. "It happened."

Erwin is one of the rare vampires who never actually killed anybody. He knows nothing. He is a bottle baby. I start laughing at my own joke and Erwin just stares at me.

"Are you stoned?" he asks and I start shaking my head but then realize that there is no way to trick him – so I nod.

Erwin rolls his eyes. "You have a wounded woman in here, just because you couldn't contain yourself? The flesh around the wound is ripped as if you have tried to eat her! Do you know how hard it is to stitch up a wound like that? Not even speaking of the brutality you used to break her bones!" he scolds me angrily.

I get up from my chair and build up in front of him. "I did not kill her! What else do you expect from me? Hm?" I stare at him and talk in a dangerous silent tone. There is no way I let him speak like that with me; not even when we are alone.

"I brought you here to help her and you will keep your mouth shut about this or I'll show you why they are used to call me butcher!"

"This is against the law, Ethan," Erwin takes a step back, holding up his arms in defense and tries a more calming tone. "You can't hurt people within these walls whenever you want. She is a maid here, right? Our Lord himself protects her. Actually, this means she should be protected by you."

I look at him for a long moment, before l turn to the wounded woman in my bed and the bloody clothes next to it. I did not want to hurt her, but that is not of the essence, right? It does not matter what my intentions are or were. I know that he is right. I would have been in charge to protect her from vampires who cannot contain themselves. Vampires like me.

"Her name is Henriette."

"What?" Erwin blinks a few times.

"Her name is Henriette, Erwin." I sit down next to the bed, where the chair still stands and take her hand once more into mine. Erwin looks at me in pure disbelief.

"I asked her if she wants to live and she said yes. So, she will live now," I keep on telling him what happened and he nods.

"Still, this wound will take weeks to heal. We can't keep that a secret."

"We have to. I will make sure to take care of her here. When she wakes up, I will tell her the options." I am not sure if that is the opium speaking or the whiskey, but when I cannot even help a single woman I damaged, how would I ever be able to be enough for Tristan.

I grimace. He would hate me, knowing that I was breaking one of his highest praised laws that state we must not be cruel to our human victims.

"Why didn't you just go on a hunt like you used to do?" he wants to know.

"She came to me as a volunteer."

Erwin still stands there and watches me. "I deeply disagree with the way you are treating humans and hurting them just to ease the itch in your throat and release your anger," he speaks his mind.

"Nevertheless, I am a doctor and vowed to help the people in need and heal them whenever I can. So, feel free to tell your Henriette that she can also stay in my rooms for the time the healing process will take." I look into Erwin's face to see his disgust for me right now.

"If you allow her to go anywhere," he adds and I have to accept that I lost him. He sees my true nature and I do not need to try to explain anything anymore. He made up his mind and I will accept it. I wonder why it took him so long to realize what I am.

I nod and look at the clock. "Can you come here again in about two hours when the sun dawns? I need to take care of the guards in the training room then."

He nods. I know that he does not want to leave Henriette alone. Obviously, he does not want to leave me alone with her again at all because he tests the chair before intending to sit down.

"Hell, Erwin. Get out! I won't kill her until then," I throw him out of my room but sit down calmly again after he is gone. The silence helps to sort my thoughts.

"You know, Henry, I am a bastard and I accept it, but there is this one person who still sees the good in me. I am not made for this. I cannot be a good man. This is not in me. Everything I touch breaks," I start talking to the unconscious woman in my bed with my eyes closed. I can tell her, she will not tell anybody.

"I mean, look at you. One should think I learned my lessons in the past hundred years. I once had a family. Can you believe that? It was not perfect, but I loved them and I really tried hard to keep them safe..." I look at the ceiling and reach out my hand in the air to look at it.

"These hands destroyed it all. The only thing I can do is to make sure others get stronger around me. They need somebody to hate. Everybody needs someone to hate..." I light myself another cigarette.

I eventually fall asleep for a while as I keep on staring into nothing while smoking.

***

I can feel someone squeezing my hand and look into a curious female face first when I open my eyes. Erwin said I drugged her far too much, but why is she awake then?

Why is he looking at me with these puppy eyes? The fresh breeze from the close sea feels so good on my face when the little window behind me is half-open.

"Tobias, you are awake." I reach out my hand to gently stroke over his golden hair and cheek, before checking his forehead.

"The fever is gone. You are a brave little boy," I tell him smiling and drag him into my arms. "I'm so blessed to have you. Do not ever go to the sea alone again. Do you hear me? Wait until the night is here and I can accompany you," I try to convince him to follow my orders but already know that I would have to say it again and again and again.

"Oh father, it is so boring the whole day, when you are sleeping... and the water is so wild and wonderful! I can't see a thing at night." His eyes get wider in excitement. "Can I become as wild and free as the sea someday?" He grins and I have to chuckle.

"You are already wild enough, potato. But even the sea has its limits, you know?"

He pouts and I start tickling him. His laughter fills the room... Tobias... Someone knocks on the door.

***

Someone knocks at the door and I open my eyes. I feel empty but I'm back to reality. I need to bury that sadness again. It is nothing I can change anymore, but at least I know again why I act the way I do.

"Who is it?" I grumble still half asleep.

"I'm here as requested," I can hear Erwin outside. I open the door to let him in and he looks once more around in the room. I did not change anything but now start to tidy up a bit by collecting the cloth and cigarette leftovers.

At some point, I also start to wash my face and upper body in the sink. Erwin does not even really look at me but gets straight to Henriette to look at her condition. Sticking my whole head under the cool water, I finally start to be awake again.

My hair is getting too long but I do not have time to take care of it now so I slick it back and put some grease in it. I do not like them getting in my way during the training. Instead of putting on a new shirt and the jacket, I change into my training clothes.

My light leather armor; I cannot tell how good it feels to wear this. It gives me back the necessary confidence. I take another look at the two of them, before realizing that Henry is still lying in blood stained bed sheets. With a sigh, I get some new ones out of the closet, placing them next to the bed.

"Erwin, would you mind to help me change those? I don't want her to panic when she wakes up and lies in her own blood."

He does not say a word but nods.

"Woman or sheets?" I ask.

"Sheets."

Now I nod and move her up in my arms to hold her while Erwin is changing the sheets. I try not to hurt her within the movement but she starts wailing and finally seems to wake when Erwin is about to finish his work. The bed looks as if it was made from a five-year-old, but it will do.

Henriette looks very confused and I am not sure she knows where she is or what happened when I put her back on the bed. That is awful timing, Henry.

"I told you, you'll live," I point out before turning to Erwin.

"I think it is better for her to get back to sleep for a bit more," he suggests and wrinkles his forehead at the confused looking woman. I nod. Actually, I am happy he thinks that is best because I really should leave now and I want to be present when her mind starts to clear.

"I'll leave her in your hands for now," I say heading to the training room but holding still once more before leaving the room, "Thank you, Erwin," I add silently. I may lose his friendship, but that does not mean I am not appreciating what he does.

The training room is not just a gym. It is in another building part and rather big compared to the other common rooms. We cannot go outside to run around and train. Everything a recruit needs to learn he will need to learn within these walls to do his job.

For the night shifts we have vampire recruits, but we also have some humans who are helping us out during the daytime. Most of them are employed by the city of London and get some little extra money and possibilities to train with us. Some may be also hoping to be turned at some point, but that is rather a rare occurrence.

I mean, that it happens, not that they wish for it. We even have a list for those who explicitly want to get turned. They see the benefits in strength, speed, and stamina when they train with some of us, but most of them are not smart enough to see what it means to live in the dark. What it means to see all of your relatives and friends getting older and die; to leave them and never get in touch with them again. All those little nice things a turning brings.

I still feel a bit lightheaded and for sure wasted when I enter the room. The day shift is still on patrol and will soon switch with the night shift. I always do the plans for them a few weeks in advance, so everybody knows their place.

It is parole time.

Eve already started with some exercises. Good – she is the one who I promised some extra treatment and she might be surprised what that means now. She will need to take over my position, this means I will need to do some preparations.

"Good evening! I hope you had a hell of a good beauty sleep because we have a shitload of work that needs to get addressed the next days," I start yelling into the room and get the recruits' attention.

I am maybe a bit old school, but Eve is the only woman within the guards. I always thought that women shouldn't fight, because of their natural disadvantages. I remember exactly what Tristan had to say to that.

You are also a bit short, aren't you?

I was so angry about that, that I left the headquarters for a few days.

The recruits and guards come closer forming a circle to hear my orders for the day. "We got a murdered council member, who was found with a female human companion. Is there anything to report that I need to know?" One of the guards, who was on duty at the main entrance, raises his hand.

"Yes."

"The visitor who arrived last night wanted to leave in the middle of the day. I followed the protocol and told him I won't let him pass," he reports.

"In the middle of the day?" I raise an eyebrow.

"He was nearly covering every inch of his skin with a cloth. It looked suspicious."

I nod at him. "Good work. I will take care of this guy myself. Anything else?"

Silence. Good. At least the rest of the headquarters didn't seem to have troubles. I straighten out. Now to the less comfortable part.

"Alright, you all can thank Eve and the three friends of hers who carried the corpses into the big meeting room for some extra training lessons today."

While I'm grinning I can see Eve rolling her eyes. A lot of the guys cursing especially about her, even though there were three other guards involved too. A wolfish smirk escapes me and Eve looks alerted.

"What is it, Ethan?" she asks. She is the only one to call me by my first name here.

"Lester, Lloyd," I command them to step forward. "Attack Eve."

They look at each other instead of just doing what I said.

"What?", I can hear Eve.

"Now!" I yell at them and they finally turn to Eve while the others make some room around her to not get into this. I can see that most of them are totally enjoying the situation. The two experienced guards start circling her and after her first shock Eve finally starts to get her defense up.

"Attack her, now!" I get impatient, but even though they finally start to fight her, I can see that they are not taking off the gloves. They barely land some hits and she is not used to having more than one aggressor. I frown and start to show my fangs at this.

"What a bad show!" I yell once more and all three of them stand still, slightly panting already. Walking over to her I show her my fangs and growl at her.

"Who do you think you are, Lass?" I wave to the two guards to move away before I start to circle around her. Her bearing tells me that she is totally tensed up, maybe also a bit confused. It's about time this happens.

"Do you think your enemies will get tricked by your pretty face? Do you think your womanhood will protect you to get attacked by more than one?"

"Of course not! But I will never let them come so close at all!" she spits the words at me and I can see her also showing her fangs.

"Is that so?" I come to stand behind her and before she can turn around I already rammed my elbow into her spine.

She falls over; totally in shock that I really hit her from behind. I step in front of her and take her by her hair. The vampires around us release surprised noises about my doing.

I can smell a familiar scent coming from behind me, where the door is, but I do not turn around. Maybe it's good that he will see that. He can comfort her afterward.

I crouch in front of Eve and slap her badly. She still seems to be totally confused why I'm like this after I told her, that she won't get too much of a punishment for her doing the night before. The situation changed. She needs to be ready and someone needs to wake her, that she needs to be able to defend herself.

"What is it, little princess? Why so silent now?" I loosen my grip on her hair and get up again. She needs to become angry and seeing her fists forming and the tears in the corner of her eyes I guess I'm on a good road. "Get up," I command and she follows. I grin at her from above but taking a stance.

"Don't call me princess!" she finally speaks up.

"Ah, the princess found her voice again. Why should I stop, little dolly?" I laugh at her and can see her body slightly shivering out of anger.

"I won't let you call me like that!" she growls at me. Good, nearly there.

"Makeme stop, buttercup."