Every fiber of my body aches due to that horrible ride home. I'm glad that the horse knew its way home better than me because I actually seem to have forgotten what it means to lose too much blood.

I must have lost my mind to think I would have needed that fight. Lyall already gave me a way out. All I had to do was to turn around and walk away, but whom I try to fool? I already had troubles to hold back to only mark her instead of taking her soul.

My vision was sliding in and out the whole while I was riding that stupid yet wonderful horse home and I know I should go to talk to Jacque but it's not safe right now. How can I expect anybody to trust me while I'm the best to know that I can't be trusted at all? I'm not Tristan's moon, I'm his demise. Shoving the thoughts away, I need a bit of sleep and a bottle of blood.

The second one is easy to acquire and I'm working on the first one very hard. My mind plays tricks on me as I see figures in the blurry dark edges of my room. It was good that Eve came to find me, otherwise, I would have to close the wounds in a much more painful way. Handling a heated knife with the hope to aim correctly at the first attempt, would have been tricky. I can't risk getting another fever. All I need is to sleep... a bit of peaceful... sleep.

***

"Father, when will mother come home again?" the big brown orbs of my little boy look at me with anticipation. Reaching out my hand to mess up his golden hair I smile.

"Soon, potato. You know that mother is a busy woman, right?" I lie. I never know when or if she will come back, but that shouldn't be his burden to carry. So far she always did, even though it never takes long until we start another fight and she leaves us with a pouting face; or with an angry one; or crying. It's the worst when she leaves crying and I

always feel the urge to follow her, but I can't. Someone needs to take care of Tobias.

Last time she didn't even say a proper word of goodbye and I know it makes him sad. It's been over three months now. Maybe this time she won't come back at all, maybe she finally found someone else who can give her what I never will be able to do. Thinking about my turning, it nearly took her eight years to find me again. I love her and want her to be happy, but I won't let her drag our boy into our world.

"But what about practicing a bit with the bow?" I try to distract his mind and he grins.

"Okay!" It's so easy to make him happy. He really is a good boy.

"Alright, have you been able to figure out what you want to name your bow?" I told him last time to think about a name for his weapon because only weapons with meaningful names can help a great man to achieve his goals.

I smile as he hesitantly nods. "So, what is it?" I want to know and he is a bit hemming and hawing. "You don't want to tell me?" he then shakes his head. I take the two different bows out of the shelf. Stepping outside with him, I take one of the lit torches with me and fire up the ones in front of our little cabin in the woods.

After traveling around the first year with a baby I decided that it was not good for the little one to never stand still. So I started building the cabin. And then I had to rebuild it, after the first one was leaking. I made so many errors that it was a threat to all of us. This one now is safe and further away from the cliffs and the sea.

This was also about the time when Gwendolyn and I started to have different views on how to raise a child. I never really had a place I could call home when I was little.

Even though the castle where I grew up half in a cell half on the edge of getting beaten to death was the place I spent most of the time, I'd never call it a home. It was a prison and I had to work on the battlefields to even been given food. I will never let my boy lack of anything like that.

It's hard enough for Tobias to understand that we are living in the night mostly. Sometimes I can hear him sneak out during daytime and take a look at the world in the light. It fears me to death that I won't be able to help him if something happens during the daytime, but I also don't want him to live in fear of the light. I don't want him to grow up like I had to. I want him to decide about his life.

It's been nearly seven years since Gwendolyn brought him to me and I still can't believe how tall he's growing every passing day. It won't take too long and I will need to tell him the truth. The truth about what I do, when I'm out for a whole night and I don't allow him to follow me. The truth about why he has those little scars on his arms and shoulders. The truth about why we are not living in the village where the others are. The truth about why it is not good to have other kids around us that he can play with.

The truth, that I am not his real father.

He takes a stance and fidgets around with the arrow that just won't stay in place. I grin. "What about this: I help you once more with how to properly hold the arrow in place for aiming and in exchange, you'll tell me the name you gave your bow."

He tries once more to aim at his own before he sighs. "You are cheating, you are just big and old, that's why it stays in place in your hands," he sighs dramatically, causing me to laugh out loud.

***

I can't believe it wasn't a nightmare when someone knocks on my door. Then again I'm still sad about the memories even if it wasn't. I can't remember how he called his bow.

"Ethan, you know that I have a key for that door, right?" Tristan's voice is muffled through the closed door but I hurry to get up.

"One moment," I say with a hoarse voice. I have to hide the bandages.

"Why? Aren't you dressed?" I can hear his amusement when I slip into a shirt and vest, just closing the buttons on my arms, before unlocking the door. I'm still fumbling around with the other buttons on my vest as he enters and eyes me from top to bottom. Gladly I cleaned my room before I went to bed.

"You didn't come for your report," he scolds me, still standing close to the door.

"I'm sorry, my Lord."

"So formal today?" he smirks and I bow my head before getting myself a cigarette. I take a little look behind the curtains and can see that the sun is already around the corner. Maybe I slept a bit too long, but it was good and it gives me some peace to know I'm on the right path. Why else should I have been granted such a precious memory I nearly forgot after all these years?

I hold the cigarette between my lips when I light it and start to talk after my initial draw. "The meeting was good I think. Lyall was not too fond of the thought to bring the danger to his place but we will see the outcome when the messenger with their final decision arrives." Turning around I can find Tristan's face only a hand of mine away.

He grabs me by my shoulders and drags me into his arms. "I was worried," he says and I push him away softly.

"I'm fine. I didn't want to risk to get caught by the sun, that's all," I explain and he investigates my face.

"You look really pale," he notes and I now fully push him away.

"I have to apologize once more, I'm not at my full strength." I manage a crooked smile. "The beasts didn't serve my type of blood and I haven't had something to drink since I'm back."

He tilts his head. "Did you fight Lyall again?" the smirk works back into his face and I'm a bit irritated.

"You know from the fight with Lyall?"

"I'm not stupid, Ethan. I know you both well enough that this was inevitable," he says before laying down his hands at my shoulders again. So he did count that in. Interesting.

"This time it was actually my past that caught up with me. I had a ... meeting ... with Maria. She was not so fond of seeing me again, but we sorted it out. Guess it's an interesting experiment to throw me to the wolves I've been capturing." I take my time to dress more properly and getting a bit away from him.

"I hope you weren't too harsh, but by your skin tone, I guess she didn't hold back either." When I'm finally done dressing, he starts caressing my shoulders, his hands making their way down to my arms. I slightly shake my head before I change the subject to come back to the important parts of my report.

"Either way, I had to get a bit creative. I told Lyall we are willing to think about a possibility to trade several things. Their woodworks are very sophisticated. To return the favor they are about to agree with, I thought we could give them a bit of a starting bonus."

He laughs out loud for a moment. "Jacque will be furious. I love it and I think he would have never considered. Take what you need and tell him he can complain to me if he wants to." His hands wander back up to cup one of my cheeks.

https://youtu.be/KVGqcL_c474

A kinky smile as he speaks further, "You know that you can drink from me right now, you don't need to get someone else's blood." His hand wanders into my neck to hold it. His lips draw closer to mine. I sharply take in the air into my lungs.

"No, thank you," I try to say it without a bad aftertaste but that maybe is not possible. His grip on my neck tightens and he steps even closer.

I can feel his radiating presence and the calming scent of his skin. I know that I hurt him with my refusal, but maybe that's just the best. No matter how Lyall decides, my situation won't change. I push him away harder and take a few steps back. "I said no."

"What if I can't accept that? What if I would order you?" he builds up and I can't believe he just said that. Not even if it was meant playfully. He must desperately long for my blood.

"What will you do to me if I won't follow? Banish me?" I say

bitter and the tensions building up in a whole different manner now.

I can sense his anger. "You are a fool. We should use the little time we have until this is settled! Do you really think I will just sit here and wait when we executed your sentence? I will find a way to bring you back," he growls out throwing his arms in the air.

"No, you won't! You promised!" I reply dangerously silent and glaring at him.

"I promised to not speak for you in front of the council and unlike someone else here, I kept it. You said you'll make this easy for me and now look at us. The moment you are banned this promise is fulfilled. I will never do something so stupid again."

"Something like trusting me?" I have to turn around to hide my flashed up eyes. I'm about to lose my temper. I can hear him taking a deep breath too before I can feel his hand on the sides of my arms.

"Don't touch me!" I growl at him and shrug off his hand. Turning around I look into his eyes.

Order me to share blood with him? Order me to love him? Oh no, I know where this is going to end up and I won't ever do that again! This needs to end now - it would be over as soon as I go anyway. Maybe it was already over before it started when he started to question my honesty about killing Doctor Nowak. He won't bring me back, not before I will choose to come back.

"I mean it, don't touch me again. I told you in the beginning that this is not a good idea, but you didn't listen. Nobody ever listens! I also told Henriette to stay

away from me, but she didn't listen either!" the anger is bubbling up my throat.

"What happened to her, Ethan? Tell me what happened!" he answers in the same angry tone, but I can see that I deeply hurt him. It is just not enough, yet. He needs to stop pretending I can be more than a tool for him. I can't.

"That's none of your business," I yell at him and I have to close my eyes to breathe in and control myself. He seems truly irritated.

"...and you just killed her, or what?" he asks in disbelief.

"Yes, just like that!" I snap with my fingers, "Because that's what I do! You better find yourself another guy to deflower, because I'll be gone soon and I won't come back. You know exactly what I am." Getting a glimpse at his face tells me that he is not just hurt, but I broke something. I take my jacket and leave him behind in my room. Maybe it was also my own heart that just shattered, but it needed to be done.

Everybody needs someone to hate. My own words resonate within my head before I take a deep breath and face Jacque with some new facts and with a request that, I hope, he'll give in to. We are not at best terms but I need to try my best. This is not about me and my pride.

***

Lyall's message arrives the night after: accepted. The paper in my hand I know what path of pain and misery will follow. I can hope for whatever I want, but I know for sure that this is the piece that seals it for me. I need to carry out my plan. Stepping out into the night and the light rain I let it run down my face and hair, just looking up at the

dark clouds. I need to clear my head.

Henriette, is that how my act of contrition should look like? I damn hope for it, because it will destroy me. I gave up on praying long ago, but if I want to believe in something it's that your soul is somewhere better now, looking at me. The tale I told Nora suddenly sounds like a comfortable lie I would like to believe in myself.

I killed her, but just because she was so much stronger than me. My feet drag me away from the headquarters and before I was able to gather my thoughts I was standing in front of the orphanage. No. I can't risk it and need to move on so I go back to the headquarters again and come to the guest room where we locked Charles Holmwood in.

My clothes, which were not hidden in the coat, as well as my hair, is still wet when I enter the room. "Mister Holmwood!" I greet closing and locking the door behind me.

He gets up as I enter and nods to greet me too, "Mister Vinge," his voice is calm.

"You like your comfortable keep?" I smile coldly and he shrugs.

"It is what I agreed to, right?" I nod. "What if they'd suggested to keep you in chains for the time it takes me to sort this out?", still carrying the cold smile.

"I said that I will cooperate in any way, so what do you expect from me now?" he sounds a bit annoyed. I can understand. I did not allow anybody to give him any kind of entertainment in here. It's only him, the room and his thoughts.

"I'm here to remind you, that our Lord is generous, and as such, I felt the urge to keep you updated about your fate."

I take the seat at the little table, which is the only possible seat next to the small bed.

"What would I do without your generous reminders," he murmurs and sits up with his feet flat on the floor and looking at me. "So, what is the real news?"

My smile broadens. "Everything will turn out as discussed. We will know when we are able to realize our plans by tomorrow end of the night, but the preparations already started." I eye the guy in front of me. He hasn't changed, the same dark spirits surrounding him as before but somehow I have the feeling he is a bit too calm.

"Have you ever seen one of the beasts? Do you have vampires who nurture from animals where you come from?" A slow nod.

"Yes, we have some of them. They are more feared in the cities than us," a chuckle escapes him. "The humans hunt them like a very special prey when they find one to be stupid enough to come too close."

"Well, that's interesting. Do your people also fear them?" I ask further, trying to find out more about where he comes from; or at least pretends to come from.

"They don't harm them as long as they don't get harmed," he shrugs.

I was hoping that the beasts would be able to impress just by their looks to help us make all this a little more impressive without even doing anything. Of course, it is not that easy. It never is, right? I lean back and fold my feet while running my fingers along my jaw. For a few moments, my thoughts drift off.

"What was his name?" I then ask. Charles different eyes look at me and he lifts one eyebrow.

"Whose name?"

My face slightly softens. "The name of your fosterling," I explain.

"His name was Edward," he murmurs quietly. He turns away his look and towards the locked door and there it is. This expression I was missing before finally is on display. The little bit of fear mixed with guilt.

"Tell me about him." I should have asked him all this far earlier, but I was distracted. Now, this case has my full attention again.

"He was promising but filled with so much anger and heat. I was amazed by his strong will and his strange kind of charm," he cracks a sad smile and I'm not sure what kind of relationship they really had.

"The kind that somehow puts you under a spell and you need to listen to that person," he sighs, "I thought I could calm him down a bit after I turned him. His temper was... uncontrollable... but it got worse than better..." he says and I somehow can relate to that. It feels like he is describing my relationship with Tristan.

"How long did you try to calm him, before he had that glorious idea to come here?" I try to push further.

"Oh, we kind of worked together for several decades, but I lost the grip on him after he got to know that Charlotte. She somehow knew which strings to pull so that he dances after her will and still thought that it was his own. Do you know what I mean?" his eyes finally finding mine again and I have to slightly chuckle about the situation and similarities.

"Sounds like a clever girl. Where did he find her?"

"In some of those bars, he went to. It was not like I followed him every step he took, and with Charlotte, he wanted to be extra mysterious," he shakes his head.

"We all had a rebellious phase... didn't you?"

"Sure, that's why I thought I can handle everything in the end," he sighs.

"Was he your only fosterling? I guess losing him hurts." I keep my light smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes anymore.

"Yes, he was my first and only one. Even if I survive all that, I definitely won't try it again," his voice is getting quieter, pain inflicted.

"Not all of us are made to have fosterlings. Even though, who knows what if you find that kind of clever slut as Edward did?"

"My taste is a bit different kind. So I don't worry about that kind of clever slut," his angry eyes try to pierce my look at the way I call Charlotte. Maybe there was more to that relationship that he doesn't want to tell, but I guess I don't need to know in detail.

"Oh don't get me wrong, I don't worry about you," I can't prevent my mouth corners to twitch up and I can see him rolling his eyes.

"Who would have guessed?"

I lower my voice. "Even though, I am able to understand your kind of pain." Clearing my throat I get up from my seat and straighten out.

"You are?" he asks surprised and I start staring at my opponent's eyes for a few long moments, unable to decide at which eye I want to look at.

I opt for a simple nod, without showing any other expression in my face. "That's why I had no objections to not chain you down in the dungeon. You will need to live with that forever - and I will make sure that you won't forget it as long as you are within my reach," I promise and he can barely understand what that will mean. How should he? He doesn't know we are in this together.

"You are sick," his chin lifts in a proud manner. Ah, there is the fire that made him kill. We will have a fun time. I grin at him again.

"Come back in a few hundred years and tell me that again. For now," I start to head to the door, "I'll leave you alone with your thoughts. Get prepared for your big showdown, and don't dare to chicken out when I come for you!"