6/25/17

My groggy eyes blink repeatedly as a heavy yawn falls from my lips. I roll over and tap my phone screen to see that it's almost seven in the morning. I have a million and one texts from my friends but I ignore them with a fluttering sigh and fall back into Colt's comfy mattress letting the scent of laundry detergent and the faint spice of him envelope me.

The thick curtains of the bedroom keep the room dark but I know the sun is beginning to rise and soon light will be filling the sky and taking me into the day and away from the night where I made one too many mistakes. Mistakes that have awakened the butterflies in my stomach but also have my chest tightening in fear of what's to come.

My fingers clutch onto the soft comforter and tug it up my body so it's covering my shoulders. The air conditioning must be on high in his apartment because it shouldn't be this cold in the summer but in here it is. Chills race down my spine from the combination of the chilly air and as the memories from last begin to come back in full force the more I awake.

Before I can let my mind dissect the night before, or rather the early hours of this morning, a soft knock causes my heart to thud loudly in my chest before coming to an abrupt stop.

"Maxine?" Colt's deep voice calls out from the other side of the door.

I swallow the thick lump of nerves in my throat and continue to stare at the door before I realize he's expecting an actual answer from me. I could pretend to be asleep, but I know that's only putting off the inevitable. He's going to knock again. I'm going to have to see him to leave. There's no escaping Colt so I might as well say something now, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Nerves cling to my skin like a light sheen of sweat and my fingers dig into the comforter holding it to me even tighter. "Yeah?" I ask before I hold my breath as I wait for his response.

"Can I come in?" he asks but I can hear the hesitancy in his voice as if he's unsure I will actually let him.

Of course my first instinct is to blurt out hell no, but I know that isn't fair after what happened last night. Though I want to forget that kiss even happened between us I know I can't. Even if I wanted to, the memory of his lips against mine is seared into my brain and leaving me wanting more.

Also I know Colt would never let me forget. He's not one to let me forget or evade my mistakes though he would never call last night that. He holds me accountable and refuses to let me run away scared even when I want to, and somehow that scares me even more. Because I'm so used to running away and walking in the shadows. It's all I've ever known.

After letting my thoughts consume me and letting the silence between us linger I finally respond. "Okay..." I trail loudly enough so he can hear me.

The door opens slowly and right before my eyes appears Colt. Relief instantly floods me that he isn't half naked again. I don't think I could handle that right now. This time he's in grey sweats and a t-shirt. His hair is messy as if he just rolled out of bed and it makes a smile tug across my lips because for some reason it's adorably sexy on him.

I almost want to roll my eyes because what isn't sexy on him?

His eyes trail over me tucked into his bed with only my head peeking over the large comforter and my hair a complete mess spread across his pillows. Amusement shines in his eyes almost lightening the darkness of them. He doesn't share his brother's golden hazel eyes. His are dark almost to a fault, but at times when I least expect it they brighten and take my breath completely away.

Colt walks over to his large windows and pushes the curtains aside letting the orange and yellow sky flood the room in a golden warmth.

He then rounds the bed and lowers himself until he's laying down beside me. He's on top of the covers while I'm tucked underneath. He keeps distance between us, making sure to not invade my space as he lays on the other side of the large bed.

We are quiet but there's this hum that buzzes between us and hangs in the air. It's almost palpable. I don't know where it's radiating from but all I know is that heat begins to flood my veins and the only sound I can focus on is the beating of my heart that races in my ears.

"I'm sorry about last night Maxine," he begins. His deep voice surprises me, making me blink rapidly. "You're right I was a dick."

I feel an astonished chuckle fill my chest but I shove it back down as shock continues to take hold of me. I shift so I'm laying on my side facing him. I tuck my hands so they rest against my warming cheeks.

"Wow," I breathe trying to form the right words.

"What?" he questions remaining on his back before placing his hands behind his head making his arms flex beneath his shirt.

"I never thought I'd see the day that Colt Hasting apologizes," I admit though a teasing tone edges my words because I don't want to come off rude even though my statement still stands. Colt is brash and cocky and unapologetic in every way.

Out of nowhere he follows my lead and flips so he's facing me. The gleaming morning sky paints across his face making him look younger than his twenty-seven years. The sun reflects in his eyes making them shine even brighter as they trail over my makeup free face and burnt nose.

"I do when it's someone I care about," he says with such ease I can't help but believe him even though my perfectly protected heart screams at me to run away.

But nonetheless my entire body still flushes at his comment. It wasn't said with a smirk twisted across his lips. It wasn't said in a teasing manner. It was said in earnest and my heart doesn't know how to react to that so it doesn't. It simply stops beating for a full lingering second before attempting to jump through all the walls I have surrounding it.

My tongue brushes against my bottom lip. "I'm sorry too," I tell him, unable to stop the three words from spilling out. "You're right I should own more of myself and my life but—"

"But?" he pushes, refusing to let me back down from this conversation. Refusing to let me walk or run away like I always have. I'm good at hiding in the shadows and putting the focus on the ones around me instead of letting it shine on me. But he refuses to let me leave this moment in the early morning light where we can just be open and honest with each other.

I feel my throat constrict because what's on the tip of my tongue is something I've never admitted aloud. Let alone said to a man who makes me feel things I've never experienced before. "I'm scared that the people I love will leave me so I hide the parts of myself that they might not like. The parts of myself that could ever give them any reason to leave," I finally confess and I wish I could take it back but it also feels as if one of the perfectly constructed walls around my heart has been stuck and now there's a big crack in the middle making it vulnerable. Making me vulnerable but also makes me feel so much lighter.

He dips his chin in a soft nod. "I know the feeling," he replies and I want to ask what he means because Colt doesn't hide his imperfections he makes them well known. But then I quickly realize maybe that's how he protects himself from being hurt. My lips tingle to push but I also know what's like to not want to share either so I don't push. This time at least.

We lay there as the morning sun rises even higher in the sky and flushes the room in bright light. No longer soft and warm. But we don't move from our spots. We continue to face each other and watch each other. Colt will wink and make my giggle. I'll make a funny face and then he'll make a funny face and we go like this until someone breaks and laughs.

But we don't speak and we don't touch. We just breathe the same air and exist in this one moment where no outlying pressures exist for us. Where we can just be us. Not the older brother of my best friend's boyfriend and not the friend with a deep dark secret.

Just us. Just Colt and Maxine.

I don't mean to ruin the quiet but weird yet oddly perfect moment we are having but my mind around Colt tends to keep running meaning I end up speaking without thought.

"I wanted to hate you," I profess in a single rushed breath as I let my eyes trail over the touch of dark scruff on his face and the straight slope of his nose.

"What?" he asks with his eyebrows draw together obviously taken back by my hurried admission.

"I wanted to hate you," I say once again. "Because you're everything I've been told to run away from. But the night of the party at your parent's house you were cold. You were different towards me and I hated it and realized I don't hate you."

"You don't hate me?" he repeats slowly.

"Not like I should," I whisper letting the words only exist between us. My heart begins to beat faster before my next words because I'm taking another leap today. "So I'm proposing that we actually be friends," I say remembering his proposition to be friends after my first night in Easton.

It hasn't even been a month since then but someone everything has changed and my view of Colt has completely shifted into something I could've never have expected.

A grin spreads across his face. "How about friends who kiss?" he counters letting his eyes narrow a touch as they linger on my parted lips.

My body flushes as flames lick my skin in the wake of his traveling gaze. "I don't think we should do that again," I tell him though my words come out a bit breathless and everything my body aches for completely contradicts my words.

"That's not what you were saying last night," he remarks with a mischievous smirk tugging across his stupidly handsome face.

Annoyance makes me roll my eyes but I can't help but let out a bark of laughter at his bravado. If anything he is relentless and I can admire that...sometimes. "Colt!" I shout, slapping his arm.

"Fine. Fine. Friends," he agrees though the sparkle in his eyes makes my heart jump and my stomach flip because the look he's giving me says the exact opposite of friends.

I arch a brow. "For real this time," I assert shooting him a mocking glare.

Colt offers his hand to me and I reach mine out to meet his until they clasp and are shaking. The way his hand squeezes mine ever so softly makes heat dash through me but I attempt to shove it down and drop his hand as fast as I can almost as if I'm burned.

Without warning he sits up and walks over to a tall dresser in the corner of the room. He slides open a drawer and turns around with a handful of pages and I immediately know what they are. I sit up letting the comforter fall to my hips and my eyes widen with excitement. The energy change is evident and as he makes his way back over he comes over to my side of the bed and sits on the edge near me.

My stormy blue eyes take in the handful of sketches and paintings that I know belong to him with eager enthusiasm.

"I know you said you liked them so I thought I could show you some more..." he trails and the uncertainty in his words makes me want to reach out and hug him. Pull him in and never let him go. Because Colt Hasting isn't hesitant or filled with doubt. He's confident and cocky almost to a fault and it's annoying but also just who he is and it's what draws me to him I can't lie.

"Colt—" I start but he doesn't let me finish.

"It's okay if you think they're dumb," he claims but his hands begin to shuffle the papers awkwardly.

"They are not dumb," I promise him with unwavering strength. His art is breathtakingly beautiful and evokes emotions in me I never expected from something on a piece of paper.

I notice his hands shake faintly and a question pops into my head.

"You don't share your work with a lot of people do you?" I ask but the assumption is clear as day in my words.

Colt's dark eyes lift to mine. "I don't show everyone since it's been so long since I actually worked on anything but a lot of people know about my art. Why?" He tilts his head watching me and I blush at the intensity of his gaze and the stupidity of myself.

My chest and neck flush embarrassed by my obvious miss reading of the situation. I think his nerves made me feel almost special and now I just feel downright idiotic. "You just seemed nervous...or something...that was dumb I shouldn't have said anything," I mumble with a sharp shake of my head.

Colt shifts a hair closer though he still makes sure to give me my space. "You do make me nervous Maxine." His gravely voice makes me lightheaded with the way my name rolls off his tongue. But his casual confession makes a shiver dash through me.

"I do?" I ask no sure how I could ever make someone so self-assured nervous. It's almost laughable.

"Showing something I love and am passionate about to someone I care about—"

I cut him off this time. "Like a friend," I offer with a small smile.

"Yes, like a friend," he openly laughs at my word choice. "But that does make me nervous because your opinion matters to me," he finishes and something about the way he speaks puts me at ease. He sees me as someone important. He sees me as an equal. In Colt's eyes I matter and that importance seeps into my skin and takes hold of me and gives me strength I didn't know I even needed.

"Well it shouldn't because I know nothing about art," I tell him honestly. "But I think these are amazing and I want to see more."

An hour passes as Colt and I sit together on his bed and he continues to show me his artwork. They are stunning and perfect and I'm utterly in awe of him. And as we sit together, the conversation flows easily as we talk about his art and life and I realize the more I get to know him I like him.

Like actually like him. Not the illusion of Colt. Not how attractive he is. Not that I want him to kiss me or touch me. But that I actually enjoy talking and being around him.

Yes, he's still smug and the ever annoying Colt. But he's also so much more and I can't help but want to get closer even though I know it could end in hurt.

There's only so long I can dance around the flames of the big bright sun before I get burned.

* * * * *

In my same exact outfit from the night before Colt walks me out of his apartment. I know Grayson and Hayley are waiting for me downstairs so we can get breakfast together and so they can of course interrogate me about my night.

Oh god I know I'm in for a long day of questions. Rapacious with Grayson and probably teasing comments from Hayley.

My fingers anxiously play with the hem of my shirt as we enter the elevator. He presses the floor for the lobby and we begin to move.

Before I know it Colt's pinkie finger lightly grazes my own pinkie finger. He doesn't try and link them he just lets them exist side by side.  It reminds me of the night we all went to the club together and on the car ride back he did the same thing.

Somehow it steadies me and calms the nerves even if just for a second that are racing through me.

"Thanks for letting me stay here," I voice as a soft content smile lifts the corner of my lips.

"Anytime," he replies as he pulls away and tucks his hands into the front pocket of his sweats. I clasp my fingers in front of me to stop myself from reaching back out to hold his hand. Maybe it wasn't even on purpose. Maybe it was an accident and I'm reading too much into this. 

Ugh, and now the nerves are back.

The closer we get to the lobby and my best friends I can feel the anxiety rise within me until it feels like I might overflow and burst unless I say what's on my mind. Something bubbles in the back of my throat but it's so faint it's hard to decipher.

"Say it," Colt murmurs from beside me.

My head snaps in his direction instead of keeping my gaze directed on my shoes. "Say what?"

"Say what's on your mind," he clarifies.

I swallow the dryness forming in my throat. "How do you know I have something to say?" I ask as my eyes drop back to the floor because his gaze is too much right now. He can see right through me and I hate it. I hate how he sees me when I can hide so easily in front of everyone else.

"Because you're easier to read than you think you are Maxine," he observes and I can hear the smirk in his voice without even looking at him.

My head lifts slowly and I take a deep breath. "We're friends now and I want that because I do genuinely enjoy hanging out with you, but I don't want to tell anyone about what happened last night," I disclose and the bitter taste of guilt I perceived earlier is now back with force as it slams into me and makes me flinch at its strength.

I tense waiting for hurt or annoyance or anger to come from Colt, but what comes out instead is a boyish chuckle.

My face pinches at his reaction. "Why are you laughing?"

"Again you are just so easy to read," he continues to laugh. "But for the record I was never going to tell anyone," he adds with a casual shrug as if that idea never even crossed his mind. And even though I know I shouldn't believe him because hello he's Colt and arrogant enough to brag to just about anyone I also trust him. It's weird but it's also true.

"I...okay...sorry I guess," I rush out as embarrassment makes my entire body flush.

Colt shakes his head before stepping forward so his body is brushing against my own. It's always a shock how much taller he is than me when he gets this close. I love how tall he is and I love how on edge yet protected he makes me feel all at once.

"Don't be sorry," he assures me as he lifts his hand to brush his thumb across my still inflamed cheek. I note it's the first time he's truly touched me today and something about the soft gesture makes my heart do a backflip. "I don't mind being your dirty little secret for now," he adds with a raspy voice and a sexy wink.

I open my mouth to respond when the elevator doors open and I see my friends waiting in the lobby. Thankfully their backs are to us so they don't see Colt touching me. I step away from him though my body urges me to step forward and let him touch me some more.

"Bye," I practically whisper as I step out of the elevator and offer him a wave of my fingers.

A small but genuine smile takes over his face and makes my teeth sink into my bottom lip because something about this smile makes me want to toss caution to the wind and run back over to him. But before I know it the door is sliding shut and he is gone.

I turn on my heel to meet the gazes of my best friends. Hayley is trying to contain a smile and Grayson is watching me with questions clear in her eyes.

"So breakfast?" I say as casually as possible as I move towards the exit. My friends trail me slowly and I feel like I'm the prey about to get attacked.

Hayley breaks out into a fit of laughter as we leave the apartment complex. "Oh, Maxine I love you so fucking much," she voices with more giggles.

"Breakfast? Breakfast?" Grayson begins with a shake of her head. "That's all you have to say after last night?"

"I'll pay?" I offer with a wide smile though it's forced because if I'm being honest I'm still tired but I know I'm not getting any sleep anytime soon with my friends involved.

"I'll take you up on that offer," Hayley announces before we all slide into Grayson's car.

"Maxine you text us that you don't need a ride and then when we try and call or text you don't respond!" she exclaims as she starts the engine and pulls out of the large lot.

Shame curls in the pit of my stomach. "I know. I'm sorry that wasn't right," I apologize knowing I should've at least responded to their messages and calls earlier.

"And then I call Kylie to see if she knows what happened to you and she tells us you left with Colt of all people!"

The image Grayson is painting isn't the best and makes me feel like a crappy friend for not being more honest with them. But I also know my honest streak isn't about to start now so I shove down as much of the guilt as I can so I don't feel as I'm drowning.

"I was drunk and tired and he lived closer," I try and make excuses but I know there really aren't any. I made my friends worry about me and I should've done better than that.

"Did anything happen between the two of you?" Hayley asks slowly as she turns in the passenger seat and settles her green eyes on me.

The lie forms before I can stop it. "Of course not." Acid churns in my stomach at the white lie but somehow my little white lies have a tendency to turn into full blown fabrications.

"So he just offered up his bed?" Grayson questions not believing me and if I was her I wouldn't either. She's known Colt the longest out of anyone here and she knows that's not his personality.

"Was he in it?" Hayley asks with a bubbly laugh.

"He wasn't in it," I tell her with a roll of my eyes. "It was nothing. We talked some and he let me have his bed...alone," I specify though technically we did lay in bed together this morning but nothing happened so I don't feel too bad for not saying anything.

"Are you interested in Colt?" Grayson asks letting her eyes flicker to the rearview mirror so her gaze can hold onto mine for a second before they fall back to the road ahead.

"No of course not!" I assert. The nonstop lies burn as they continue to spill out as my friends keep asking me questions about my night, and I know at some point they'll catch up with me.

I know at some point, and all too soon, all the lies I've told will burn me to the ground alongside with them.