6/28/17

THE PHONE RINGS as I wait for my mom to answer with an eager grin spread across my still burnt lips. It's been over a week since I last talked to my mother and I miss her like crazy. My toes sink into the warm sand as I continue to walk near the water. I watch as the sea rushes up to brush my bare ankles as the sun begins to set.

The toasty evening sun splashes against the sky in a mixture of pink and orange streaks. There's a light breeze that trails against my cheeks and my bare legs in a salty whisper. I'm still in my sundress from the day but I grabbed a cardigan before I came out knowing the evening can bring a chill with it.

It's weird how quickly I've acclimated to the weather down here in southern Florida. I'm from the north, I know what real cold weather is like. But when the evenings drop to the low seventies boarding in the high sixties I instinctually grab for a light jacket now when back home I'd be dawning shorts and a tank commenting about the great weather.

How quickly things have changed.

An image of Colt's dark eyes and warm smile flashes in my head and sends a chill down my spine that has nothing to do with the breezy night air. My eyes squeeze shut for a moment as I think of just a few days ago when I was lying in Colt's bed watching him be himself without any fear of judgement from the ones who usually surround him.

He let down his shield and in a way it made me lower mine, even if just an inch.

He's my biggest contradiction. He makes me feel comfortable yet on edge. He makes me feel nervous yet at ease. He makes me feel invincible and like I can be anything and to never feel ashamed but he also reflects my every fear in his dark brown eyes.

The line trills once more before it clicks, drawing my attention from the man who continues to haunt me even when he's not around. "Hey honey," my mother's chirpy voice rings out through the speaker.

My smile grows at the sound. "Hi mom."

I hear her moving around and I just know she's making dinner. I can perfectly envision the old white apron I gave to her when I was five tied around her waist featuring my colorful handprints splattered about. "How have you been?" she asks and I can't help but wonder what she's making tonight. She has always been an amazing cook and I was lucky to grow up with such great tasty food for every meal. Even when times were tough she would still whip together something special just for me.

A heavy sign flutters from my lips. "Good...fine," I trail, unable to hide my true feelings even when I attempt to bury them deep, deep down.

"Honey what's wrong?" my mom questions and I can hear the concern reflected in her voice.

"Nothing," I push back not even knowing where to begin in actuality. There's so much wrong. I have a huge secret hanging over my head. I'm developing these confusing feelings for a man who is the exact opposite of who I always thought I'd end up with. I still feel confused and lost even though it's been almost two months since graduation and everyone around me is figuring out what they want to do with their lives.

If I see one more Facebook update with another class member getting their dream job I swear I'm going to throw my phone against the wall.

"Maxine." My mother says my name is her famous stern voice making my shoulder deflate as I give in. 

My tongue draws across my bottom lip. "Nothing really there's just this guy—"

"Wait? A boy!" my mother exclaims, cutting me off with bright excitement and a touch of shock.

"Mom," I groan with a roll of my eyes.

"Sorry! Sorry! It's just you never talk about boys with me so this must be huge," she comments and I realize how accurate her words are at this moment. I was never one to date a lot in high school or college. My focus was always on making my mother proud and not repeating the mistakes she warned me about since I was a child.

And Colt is a one massive flaming red mistake and yet here I am wishing I was back in his bed. Wishing I was pressed up against his body with his lips against mine. Wishing for so much that I shouldn't want, but can't stop thinking about.

"It's not that big. Far from," I shrug off trying to keep my tone nonchalant. "He's annoying and smug and rude—"

"Is he cute?" she asks and I can picture the smile on her freckled face.

I shake my head as I continue to walk slowly against the shore. "Mom!" I shout, feeling blood rush to the rounds of my cheeks.

"Fine," she relents. "Do you want to talk about him?"

"No," I answer truthfully. I don't want to talk about Colt. My brain is already so full of him at all times I can't start talking about him as well or he will consume me just like I fear.

"Well how are Grayson and Hayley then?" My mother easily moves onto the next topic and it makes my chest warm at how quickly she transitions and doesn't push me when I'm not ready.

"Really good! Grayson starts her job in a little over a month so we are just soaking up our time together." I'm already feeling the early bud of nerves begin to bloom for when our perfect beach summer comes to a close. Because when it ends I have to leave my two best friends behind while I head back to a city I feel as if I no longer belong to.

Illinois has always been my home. But over the past couple years my home has been with Grayson and Hayley. They brought me in and made me feel like one of them even when I was just this quiet outsider.

"Has Hayley found a job yet?" My mom's question pulls me from my thoughts and I focus on the way the water kisses the shore and the sun melts into the sea.

"She's waiting still," I reply as I tug my cardigan tighter around my body.

"She has a big heart," my mom hums in understanding. To anyone else my response would've seemed vague, but my mom knows the basics of Hayley and Clayton's complicated relationship and there's no judgment from her. Only admiration. Another reason I love her so much.

"She does," I agree without hesitation because it's the truth. Hayley loves fiercely and without a second thought. She is there for everyone as much as she is there to lighten the moment with her infectious laughter and love for tequila. But I worry sometimes that she hides behind all the bravado.

I know I do. I may be the quieter friend in the group, but I still hide all my fears and insecurities deep behind the smile that I flash to the rest of the world.

My eyes flicker up to see the rising moon and the sinking sun. I hide just like the moon does as it hangs from the ever darkening sky, always hiding a piece of itself from the world. It's protecting itself from getting hurt. Because who can truly love every dent and piece of damage it's sustained?

"How is the job hunt going for you?"

My mother asks the question casually but it still causes my entire body to tense.

I freeze solid in the moldable sand and my heart begins to race as self doubt and uncertainty racks my body. Her question causes a bitter and unwarranted anger to fill my bones and I have to clench my fist to lessen the stark flash of it.

I clear my throat in attempts to ease the thousands of fears that are flaring to life inside me and causing a war of emotions. "Fine," I answer a bit stiffly.

"Any interviews coming up?" The genuine question makes my stomach twist and cause a sharp pang to radiate from my chest.

I don't want to lie. I'm not going to lie. "I have one next week." But the lie falls from my lips anyways and my face flames with anger, but this time at myself.

"That's great honey," my mother gushes with excitement.

Shame coats me in a sticky sheen of sweat and I want to tear the fuzzy cardigan off of my overheated body. I have had interviews, but none of them have panned out so far. I keep applying but I'm not getting any responses and the more I apply and hear nothing back the more down I feel about the entire stupid job hunting process.

"Yeah," I breathe out awkwardly. I hate lying but I've suddenly become the biggest liar and I despise myself for it. I keep spewing them out and I'm not naive enough to think they won't catch up to me one day.

I just hope it isn't any day soon.

"You know I'm proud of you right?"

My heart squeezes almost painfully at my mom's words. Words any kid loves to hear but only makes me feel like the worst daughter in the world. "Yes, of course," I tell her. "I love you mom."

"To the moon and back?" she questions and I can't help the faint smile that lifts my lips.

"Times infinity."

* * * * *

After I say goodbye to my mom I stay outside near the water until everything ounce of light from the sun has completely disappeared from the sky. Embarrassment and disappointment cloud my emotions and I have to wipe away a few of the stray tears that cling to my rosy cheeks.

I finally make my way back to the house after getting my tears and strewn emotions under control. I walk through the front door and toss my sandals to the side and hang my cardigan up on the hook in the entryway when I notice how quiet it is in the house.

Usually there's conversations happening, or music, maybe the TV playing, or even the blaring sound of the blender mixing together our world famous margaritas.

But tonight there's nothing.

I remember then that Grayson and Cale had a night out planned and as I round the corner I pause in surprise when I see Hayley. She usually tags along with them as she hates to be home alone, but that's not where all my surprise stems from.

She's sitting at the kitchen table with her back to me and it's hard to ignore the way her shoulders shake gently. I can hear her sniffling and my heart leaps from my chest in attempts to race over and soothe any of her worries.

It's rare to see Hayley emotional. Like me she holds many things inside but also unlike me she also shares her pains and worries and her highs and lows with her friends and family. 

I pause for another moment wondering if I should just wait for Grayson. I'm not the best at these types of moments and Grayson is the one we both run to when we need help. She's the one who's wise words keep us afloat, not my messy rumblings about life and how I'm walking blindly through it.

"Hey," I call out slowly, unsure of making my presence known. What if she just wants to be left alone? What if she doesn't even want to talk to me? I haven't seen her face yet but from the quiet and tense air I can feel something is majorly wrong and it makes my chest clench with worry.

Her dark whips when she jumps at the sound of my voice obviously not expecting me. When she turns to face me her pale green eyes widen in shock as she spots me before she turns away and begins to hastily wipe at her warm freckled cheeks.

I move forward hesitantly not wanting to press her if she's not ready. Grayson is better at the advice and at the end of the day they are closer. I love them both so much but that doesn't take away that fact they've known each other longer and there's a more comfortable rapport between them.

Their bond is more secure and sometimes I get nervous in situations like this. Will I say the wrong thing? What if my advice backfires? Do they even want me around right now? Or do they wish I was someone else?

"Hey Max," Hayley calls back though she still remains facing away from me.

I slowly step closer scared to cross any boundaries. "Are you okay?" I ask, trying to gauge what's happened but it's difficult when she still has her back to me.

"I'm fine," she mumbles in response and I instantly don't believe her words. And it's not because they sound terribly weak and filled with thick unshed tears, no it's because not even an hour ago I said the exact same thing to my mother when in fact I was anything but okay.

I'm still not okay if I'm being honest but this isn't about me. This is about my friend.

"Hayley..." I trail as concern coats my tone.

I finally make my way over to the table and sit down across from her. Her dark hair still holds some of the curls from the night before, but the makeup is now long gone and her eyes are bloodshot as they flash up at me.

I tuck my hair behind my ears and lean my elbows against the table, "I'm always here to talk. I hope you know that. I know I'm not Grayson but—"

Hayley's tearful gaze narrows at my words and her red nose scrunches as she instantly cuts me off. "I don't want you to be Gray. Ever. I love her to death but you're Maxine and I will always want you to be Maxine," she expresses truthfully and without any delay.

Warmth explodes in my chest and radiates throughout me easing a touch of the shame that still clings heavily to my bones. "I don't deserve you," I practically whisper trying to keep myself from breaking down in tears.

That is a major insecurity that I try to ignore. I know I have my place with my friends and I know they love me like I love them, but that doesn't mean that I don't get down on myself at times because of how close they are. The years of inside jokes and memories that I feel as if I can't live up to.

But Hayley's words make me realize that's not true. I don't need to live up to anything because I'm already there. I have two amazing friends who make me feel like family always and never act as if I come in second place.

"You deserve the world," Hayley continues. "It's me who doesn't deserve anyone," her words break off towards the end and send a jolt of pain directly through my heart.

If anyone deserves someone it's her and her unending compassion and love and generosity. How could she think she doesn't deserve anyone? "Hayley seriously what's wrong?" I push hating to see her like this. So down and broken. So similar to last year when she came back from winter break.

I'd never seen her like that. I really thought I'd lost not only her warm light but also her friendship with the way she locked herself in her room most nights.

"It's just one of those days. I received good news today and of course the one person I wanted to tell and hug and just be around...I couldn't. I know he needs his space and I respect that but that doesn't mean it doesn't get hard. I know we've seen each other more this summer than he was anticipating and he needs to take a step back. I know that. I'm just being dramatic." She tries to wave her words off but I don't let her.

Her feelings matter and she shouldn't trivialize them.

"You're not dramatic at all. Clayton's doing what he has to do so he can make his way back to you. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Both those feelings can exist at the same time," I remind her. We can acknowledge the rough road that it takes to reach happiness and also hate it with all our might.

We can know we aren't right for someone and still want them more than we should.

The thought slips into my mind without preamble and I immediately shove it away. This is about Hayley right now. Not my weird non-relationship with a certain man I shouldn't even be thinking about at this moment.

"Okay no need to lie I know I'm dramatic," Hayley's chuckled words bring me back and I laugh along with her. I see the way happiness warms her eyes for a moment. I see the Hayley I know and love appear for a few seconds and I smile knowing she's still in there.

"Fine. Yes you can be," I admit in a teasing tone before I turn serious. "But about this you're not. You have a strength most people don't have and it's beautiful," I tell her unwaveringly.

"Thank you," she says with a soft smile.

"Always," I promise her. "So are you going to tell me the good news or am I going to have to pry it out of you?"

Her face swells with pure joy. "Well the first part of my good news is that my mom is engaged," Hayley announces and my heart soars at the news. Her father passed away when she was young and it took a while for her to accept that her mother moving on didn't mean she didn't love her father anymore but meant she deserved to be loved and not lonely.

"Ohmygosh! That's amazing!" I exclaim knowing this wonderful news.

"Yeah. I knew it was gonna happen for a while now. Gavin told me a few months ago his intentions and asked my permission and it was the sweetest thing ever," she explains with an eager smile and it makes me smile at how happy she truly is for her mother's new relationship. For their relationship as a family that was finally able to heal from the past and move forward.

"You're mom deserves it," I tell her honestly.

"She does. She deserves the whole world and with him she has it." The brightness in her eyes dims as her words come to a close and my heart beats a bit faster worried she will begin to cry again.

"So what's the next part of the good news?" I ask tentatively unsure of what's to come next.

"I'm so excited," she starts and I can see the anticipation in her eyes but I can also see the anxiety that coats her gaze. "But I also feel like I'm rushing into this and I'm afraid it's going to backfire on me," she explains as her fingers tap against the table softly.

"What's going to backfire?"

"I got a job," she blurts out nervously and my breath catches in my throat.

I hate that the initial emotion I feel for one of my best friend's isn't happiness but instead jealousy. It's potent and dark and makes my heart sink into my stomach before I force it away and let the bright light of happiness take over and shine for her because that is what I truly feel.

I am so happy that my friend found a job, but it does once again remind me of my own failures and inadequacies. Why can't I find a job? Am I not good enough?

I shake my head to clear the thick mix of emotions. "Holy shit that's awesome! Where?" I ask.

A smile lifts Hayley's face. "There's a great sustainable denim brand closer to the city and it's a role on their sourcing and logistics team."

"Hayley, that's amazing," I tell her.

She nods but I can see the nerves that fill her. "What if I start this job and it doesn't work out between me and Clay and then I moved my entire life down here just for him?"

"But is it just for Clayton? Obviously it's a big part, but you love this town Hayley. You love the ocean. You love Grayson. I can already tell you love this job. You love more than just him down here so moving your life to Easton isn't just for him at the end of the day. It's also for you," I tell her believing every single word I say.

Tears well up in her eyes. "Can you stop making me cry?" she laughs a bit choked up.

"I'm just telling it like I see it," I tease.

"I'm glad you were here to talk me off the edge."

"That's what I'm here for," I shrug.

Hayley shakes her head. "You're here for a lot more than that I hope you know Maxine."

And I do.

Maybe I don't always. And maybe I bottle up more than I need to, but right here in this moment I know I'm here for my friends and I'm a needed branch of this friendship that will never break. Even if I move away. Even if one day my secrets come spilling out. The branch may weaken but it will never break because we are stronger together always. We are more than best friends, we are family.

And in this moment a few of my dents and insecurities heal and I wonder if I will always be the moon or maybe just maybe I can one day shine like the sun instead.