6/17/17

THE REST OF the night goes by smoothly. We drink. We dance. Finn flirts and I flirt back. He is cute and he makes me blush. It's a good night.

But then why do I feel so distracted? Why do my emotions feel scattered all over the place and that my heart is blossoming with blue and purple bruises?

Finn's arm is now wrapped around my waist as we step out of the loud and sweaty club. It's late and my feet hurt and I'm already looking forward to my bed. The night air is warm but the slight breeze raises goosebumps all over my skin and sends a chill racing down my spine.

We are leading the group with Cale and Grayson trailing behind us whispering dirty words to each other and Grayson giggling between hiccups, and Hayley wanders lazily behind them texting nonstop on her phone and I just know she's drunk texting Clayton right now. We turn the corner to the main downtown street where we can call an Uber when I stop dead in my tracks as surprise widens my eyes.

Because Colt isn't home miles away from here. Nope. He's standing in the middle of the sidewalk before us and it isn't just him that causes me still. It's the fact that he's talking with a woman. A beautiful woman at that.

She's petite in the way guys love, but with long legs and an ample chest that sits perfectly on display in the red velvet dress she's wearing. Her dark hair is wavy and somehow still shiny and smooth in the humid air unlike the frizziness of my own hair. Her tanned caramel skin glows under the golden traffic lights and the bright moon, and the bitter taste of something I don't expect to feel explodes on my tongue and slithers through my veins making me feel disappointed in myself.

Because I don't get jealous. I'm not a jealous person. I never have been. So why now? Why with him?

"Colt's still here?" I hear Grayson's voice question from behind me and I snap out of my daze realizing everyone is now huddled behind me watching the scene play out in front of us.

"Looks like he found the perfect distraction," Cale murmurs sarcastically as he tugs his girlfriend closer to his side.

Confusion and annoyance flare from within me. "Distraction?" I ask curiously. What does he need a distraction from?

"Dad's been riding him pretty hard lately," Cale says rather indifferently. My eyebrows draw together as I think back to the night I reluctantly hung out with Colt and we watched a movie together. He said people only see what they want to see with him, and I assumed it was just a line. But now I'm beginning to wonder if his words held some truth to them.

I watch the woman place her perfectly manicured hand on his arm as she laughs, and he laughs along with her with a comfortable ease I rarely see from him. It's a full and hearty laugh. The kind of laugh that's rare and you wish would last forever, and it strikes me directly in the chest and steals my breath all at once.

Finally she leans in for a hug that he reciprocates without hesitation, and it lasts for a beat longer than it needs to and once again that bitter taste ignites within me and I hate it. She finally leaves and Colt turns around and spots us immediately. He isn't shocked to see us almost as if he's been waiting for us.

Waiting for me. The stupid thought enters my head without permission and I instantly shove it away knowing it's far from the truth.

"After party at Grayson's?" he suggests with a casual smile tugging at his lips. "I'll get the Uber," he offers, lifting his sleek phone in the air.

I turn to look at my friend and she shrugs before casting a look at Cale and Hayley.

"I'm down!" Hayley shouts as she begins to dance.

I let out a small chuckle at her terribly drunken dance moves, and Grayson has to reach out and steady her before she falls.

"I could have another drink," Cale agrees.

I glance at Finn who's still by my side with a tilt of my head. "What about you?" I ask as his fingers tap gently against my back.

A sad smile graces his lips and I already know the answer. "I have to work tomorrow," he says apologetically before leaning in a touch closer. "But I'll come back with you so I can say goodbye properly," he whispers so only I can hear. A warm flush reddens my skin as a boyish grin takes over his handsome face.

"Call the Uber!" Grayson yells at Colt from behind me and we all then slowly make our way over to him as he taps away on his phone.

I avoid eye contact with him and he avoids mine, and I hate how confused it makes me. I want to be relieved by him giving me the distance I practically begged for since I arrived to this perfect little beach town. It's what I asked of him and he's finally giving it to me. I should be happy, right? But the bigger part of me, the one I'm ashamed of, is upset he listened. I wanted him to be typical Colt and not listen and continue to weasel himself into my life and piss me off with his dirty and obnoxious comments.

The van pulls up a few minutes later and we all slide in. Cale up front. Hayley and Grayson in the single seats in the middle. And me, Colt, and Finn in the back with me in the middle. I'm not sure how we ended up these seats, or rather how I ended up smashed between two very different men who make me feel very different things. But here I am and I have to squash the urge to roll my eyes at my luck.

Finn places his hand on my bare thigh and the warmth of his hand is calming and nice and begins to steady my racing heart.

But then Colt places his hand right beside mine on the leather of the seat between us. Hidden. In the dark. Where no one can see. He inches his hand a bit closer until our pinkies are barely touching and my once steady heart begins to thunder wildly in my chest. Heat surges through my veins and excitement begins to simmer in my blood. The smallest of touches from him has me short of breath and wanting more.

He's dangerous and intoxicating and everything I need to stay away from because he's far from safe.

But then why don't I move my hand? Why can't I?

I remain frozen in place as sweet Finn bops his head to the music playing in the car to my left, and sinful Colt to my right uses his free hand to scroll through his phone as if he isn't touching me and setting me aflame with the simplest of touches.

The drive finally ends or in another more honest way ends all too soon because as soon as the driver parks the car outside Grayson's house Colt pulls his hand away. One moment he's there and the next he's gone. It's so small, so subtle, I begin to wonder if it even happened. If I made the entire moment up.

We climb out of the van quickly but I hang back with Finn as everyone makes their way inside. His hand slips around mine as we walk slowly up the driveway of Grayson's beach house.

Finn's hand tightens ever so slightly around my hand pulling my attention to his perfectly messy hair and adorable dimples that always make me smile when they show. "I had a lot of fun tonight Maxine," he says as we reach the small patio outside the front door.

"I did too," I tell him honestly as a smile lifts my mouth and brightens my eyes. He's nice and fun and would be easy to keep around for an easy summer fling. I've never had a fling before, but maybe that's what I need to get a certain man out of my head and out of my system. Finn gets along with Cale and the girls and everything would be so simple with him. He's far from complicated and that's exactly what I need in my life right now. Simple. Easygoing.

He's everything I always looked for with any guy I talked to in college. Everything I always wanted...before I met Colt and he started tempting me with everything I shouldn't want. Everything I've been told from a young age to stay away from.

Finn's thumb grazes my knuckles. "I hope we can hang out again sometime soon?" he says though it comes out as more of a question than a statement as a hint of uncertainty fills his gaze. As if he's worried I'm going to say no.

But my head refuses to let me say no. "I'd like that," I respond and it isn't a lie. I'm not really sure if Finn and I have a future beyond being friends, or even a fling, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy his company.

His warm eyes light up at my words as he steps forward and places a soft kiss to my cheek. It's sweet and tender and releases a swarm of butterflies in my stomach.

Finn steps away from the front patio and waves from the bottom of the driveway as he pulls out his phone to call an Uber home. I wait until he says it's confirmed and only a minute away before I wave goodbye and let myself into the house.

I lean against the front door for a moment with my eyes squeezed shut trying to decipher the entire night and understand the way my stupid heart reacts the way it does around men it shouldn't.

"Maxine!" I hear Hayley squeal and my eyes fly open to find her dark hair piled atop her head in a messy bun and her makeup gone but her dress still on as she drinks a beer. She rarely drinks beer unless she's decently drunk so I already know she's going to wake up with a hangover tomorrow.

"How was Finn?" Grayson asks as she walks over drinking water from a glass. She's already changed from her going out clothes into a pair of terrycloth shorts and an old cropped t-shirt.

I lift a shoulder trying to seem casual even though my mind is a jumble of woven emotions that are starting to give me a headache. "He was fine," I reply, pasting on a smile I don't quite feel in my bones.

"We need more than that!" Hayley exclaims dramatically as she walks forward and places a hand on her hip.

Grayson nods along. "Yeah, come on don't hold back did you kiss or not?" she urges with an eager grin.

I let out a chuckle as I playfully roll my eyes at my nosey friends. "I mean it wasn't even a real date," I remind them before finally giving in. "But he did say we should hang out again and he kissed me on the cheek."

Hayley's nose scrunches at my words. "On the cheek," she repeats slowly as if my words are foreign to her.

Grayson swats her arm with a glare. "That's sweet. He's sweet," she emphasizes before shooting Hayley another pointed look. "I really do like him Maxine," she remarks with a smile and for some reason her stamp of approval means a lot. Not that I'm going to go run off and date him, but knowing my friends like the guy I might possibly start talking to makes my chest warm.

And before I can stop it, a feeling I can only describe as dread steals some of the warmth because I know my friends wouldn't be as supportive if I ever wanted to date Colt. Not that I would ever date him in the first place. But the realization leaves me feeling sour and upset for no rational reason.

"Yeah," I breathe out shakily. "I'm going to go change," I tell my friends trying to keep a smile on my face but it doesn't feel right. It feels heavy and fake and I know I need to get myself together before I come back downstairs or they are going to be able to tell something is up.

"Still down for another drink?" Grayson questions and I can see a flash of concern in her bright blue eyes. She's always been the most perceptive of my feelings and therefore it makes it hard to hide anything from her.

Not that I ever do. Unless it involves me stripping off my clothes on a stage in front of men for money.

"Sure," I nod. "Can't let Hayley have all the fun by herself," I tease with an ease I don't truly feel but muster up enough energy to feign.

"That's my girl," Hayley sings as she downs the rest of her beer and goes to grab another.

"You need water first!" Grayson shouts as she chases after her.

I shake my head as a laugh falls from my lips at my friends. My amazing friends...who I lie to. Guilt that's far too thick and hot floods me and my cheeks redden with the shame of lying to my best friends. I kick off my heels and carry them as I make my way upstairs to my room to change into comfier clothes. As soon as I hit the last step my eyes lock on him and annoyance burns through me fiercer than ever before. I've had enough of him tonight. I'm done.

My free hand fists at my side letting my nails cut into my palm. "Why are up here?" I snap though not loud enough to catch anyone's attention from downstairs.

Colt leans against the wall between the door to my bedroom and the door to my bathroom with such a nonchalance it grates against my skin. His arms slowly cross across his chest stretching the material of his shirt over his toned arms. His shirt is unbuttoned at the top a few more spaces than earlier snagging my gaze a touch longer than it should.

"Why are you trying to act like you hate me?" he pushes as his dark brown eyes narrow in on me tracking my movements so intensely he's putting me completely on edge.

Irritation surges through me as I drop my shoes with a clank and slap my hands against my legs. "Because I do!" I whisper yell stomping forward a few steps.

His eyes become almost black as he shakes his head slowly. "No you don't," he states calmly as if he can see into my mind. "You want to pretend, but I can't pretend Maxine," he admits and the confession weakens my resolve a touch and threatens to pull me in and drown me, but I stand my ground.

"Then try harder," I tell him snarkily.

He pushes away from the wall and stalks towards me. Every step is deliberate almost like an animal zeroing in on their prey and it causes my stomach to flip and my toes to curl into the floor.

"I've pretended my entire life and I'm sick and tired of it," he declares with strength.

"Not my problem," I say trying to remain calm but it's hard when Colt continues to wiggle his way into the creaks and crevices of my life.

He moves closer and I back away on shaky legs until he starts to corner me against my bedroom door. "Fine," he says as his dark eyes begin to sparkle with mischief and my stomach flips knowing that look and I become nervous and eager all at once. My chest begins to rise and fall heavily with a need for more that only bubbles up whenever he's around, but my fingers that are pressed into the wooden door behind me start to itch with the need to shove him away the moment he gets too close. "You know want? You want to pretend? Then let's pretend for just a moment that you don't hate me," he murmurs as his fingers reach out and trace up my arms sending a shiver throughout my entire body.

His one hand laces his fingers through mine holding on tightly almost as if to make sure I don't try to escape from his tortuous touches. I shouldn't blush simply from him holding my hand, but I can't help because he's so far under my skin and making me want everything I know I shouldn't ever want. His free hand trails up and brushes through my frizzy auburn locks before grazing down my neck scattering chills across my skin. Then his fingertips begin to graze up and down the neckline of my dress. His touch is featherlight, but that doesn't stop my thighs from clenching together and my pulse from racing under my skin.

"What?" I finally utter out as confusion and lust buzz through my body like I've been electrified, but I don't want it to stop. I want him to keep touching me. I want him to keep painting this picture of a world where I don't hate him and I can have him. A world where he won't break me into a million pieces once he's tired of me. Because men like him don't stick around forever. They are a fleeting moment in time that's life altering, but destined to end in heartbreak.

They are the lies we tell ourselves in the dark when we are too scared to see the light of the truth.

But I don't want to leave this lie quite yet. It's warm and heady and makes my head spin and my stomach curl in that delicious way that only he can elicit from me.

Colt's fingers trace down the side of my chest making a small gasp lodge in my throat. He continues to trail down until his hand lands on my hip, and he steps forward until our bodies are pressed up in all the right areas. All of his hard and rough against my soft and smooth.

He leans down to place a soft kiss against my neck causing me to shudder. He releases my hand and grips my hips with both hands now. "Just for a minute," he says, letting his lips whisper the words against my skin like he's trying to tattoo the words into my skin and my heart.

My hands finally move into action as I place them against his chest but I don't push. My brain is telling me I need to. My brain is begging me to. But my traitorous body takes over and my fingers clench around the fabric of his shirt and pull him closer until our noses are brushing and our hot panting breaths are mixing and becoming one. "Colt..." I start but can't seem to find the right words for this moment. So I give up and give in.

I pretend. I pretend with the most beautifully infuriating man in front of me.

But only for a moment, I promise myself.

His hands find the hem of my dress and begin to play with it before letting them trace the skin of my thighs right beneath the fabric. An uneven sigh flutters from my lips. One hand slides up my body until it cups my breast and runs his thumb over the centers causing my back to arch off the wall and my head to fall against it.

"Let's pretend we are back at the club in Chicago," he says painting a picture of that night so many months ago. That night before I knew who he was. That night before I knew he was engaged. That night where I just wanted to live on the edge and feel sexy and confident for the first time in my entire life. "Let's pretend we are back in that dark room and it's only us and our pasts or presents don't exist. Only us," he voices perfectly letting the illusion of that night take over and melt all over us. The illusion that was perfect and unmarred until reality came in and ruined everything.

Colt's hand continues to tease my chest as his other hand slides under my dress to wrap his fingers tightly around my thigh so he can hike it up around his waist opening me up to him so our bodies can fit around each other like a puzzle. Perfectly and with no room between us.

The pads of his fingertips ghost over my skin making me start to tremble and I know it will only take another moment before I'm a puddle of nothingness in his arms. I know it will only take moments before I'm begging him for more. Pleading with him to cross that line I promised I never would allow with him. But with Colt this close and his intoxicating touch drugging me, I give in. Easily.

Only for a second more, I promise myself again.

But I'm fully aware it's another lie to placate the emotions I know will overcome me when I'm alone tonight and the regret begins to sink in and tear at my already confused and bleeding heart.

His lips continue to press into my neck alternating between soft barely there kisses that take my breath away to harsh bites that threaten to make me cry out to sensual kisses that I know might turn into a hickey if he doesn't stop soon. But I don't stop him. My hands slide up into his dark hair pulling him closer and opening my body up to him even more as I shove the last bit of hesitation away and give myself to him fully.

Colt's hand continues to move up my dress until it finds the edge of my underwear. He traces it slowly. Teasingly. Causing my hips to roll into his needing more than what he's giving me. Always needing more with him.

The taunting. The teasing. The need has gone on for too long and this is one itch I need scratched and he's the only one that can do it.

His lips move up to kiss my jaw and I turn into him wanting to feel his lips against mine. Craving it more than I thought any person ever could. Suddenly my mind begins to clear and I realize we are about to have our first kiss. We never kissed that night at the strip club. We got close but it was an unspoken line we never crossed. Too intimate for who we were in that moment. Only touching. No sex. No kissing.

The idea of his lips finally touching mine sends a surge of fire throughout me and it's all I can think about. All I want. All I need. I'm desperate to know how his lips feel against mine. How they move. How he tastes.

"Do you want me to touch you?" he whispers hotly, brushing his nose against mine. I open my mouth to say something but his index finger traces the center of my underwear causing a whimper to slip through my parted lips instead. "I know you do," he smirks smugly into my neck, earning a small groan of desperation from me as my hips lift against his once again dying for another touch. I'm already so on edge I know it won't take long until I'm falling apart at his touch.

Just as his fingers are brushing my underwear to the side and his lips brush against mine, when every need I have is finally going to be fulfilled, the sound of glass shattering below us erupts through the house along with a shocked scream and drunken giggles.

We remain frozen in place with our bodies intertwined and our gazes locked on the stairs acting as if we can actually see anything. Then the next words rip me from the moment.

"Hey, where's Colt?" I hear Cale's voice inquire from the level below us.

Everything shatters. The bubble is burst, and the moment is obliterated as the palms of my hand press against Colt until I'm free of his touch and his lips.

Hot shameful embarrassment swallows me in a single flame and my hand fumbles for the doorknob to my bedroom, but my sweaty palm misses a few times before I can finally twist it open and step inside.

My eyes lock on a dishevilved Colt Hasting as his dark eyes stare at me intensely, but I don't read into anything and I don't say anything as I slam the door shut and lock it for good measure.

I fall into my bed as tears begin to prick my eyes. My hands slap against the comforter before grabbing a pillow and shoving it in my face so I can let out an angry scream without anyone hearing.

I hate how easily I fall into him. I hate how easily he plays me like I'm a game but he knows all the rules. I just want to forget him. I need to move on and stop falling into his trap. I can't end up with someone like him. He's too much like my father, and I refuse to end up like my mother.

She's strong now, but I spent years helping her move on from the man who ruined her beyond repair.

Colt will only hurt me. It's not a prediction, it's a fact.

And I need to stay away.

* * * * *

6/18/17

I didn't end up going back downstairs last night. I texted Hayley and Grayson to tell them I wasn't feeling well and stayed locked in my room for the rest of the night. I didn't sleep well though. I tossed and turned all night long as images of Colt and me assaulted my brain. I know he isn't someone I should get close to. He isn't someone I should even entertain the idea of getting close to, but I can't deny that I like the way he makes me feel.

But I can ignore it. I can shove it deep, deep down until the end of the summer and avoid him at all costs.

In a pair of cropped leggings and an oversized off the shoulder sweatshirt I make my way down the stairs. I spot Hayley immediately as she fills a pitcher with champagne and orange juice. My eyes cast out the back window to see Grayson, Cale, and Colt all sitting at the table on the deck with plates full of breakfast food.

"Morning!" Hayley calls out more chiperly than I expected after her beer from last night. "Are you feeling better?" she asks, glancing my way with worry etched into her expression.

I nod sharply. "Much better," I say and the white lie burns but it's better than admitting the truth. "No hangover?" I ask with drawn in eyebrows.

"I'm maturing apparently," she laughs and I roll my eyes at her response. In all honestly Hayley very rarely gets drunk anymore or drinks in general especially when Clayton is around. So I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to cut loose last night.

"I'm so happy for you," I joke around as she lifts the pitcher from the counter and cradles it into her arms.

"Well load up on food and then come out cause we have drinks," she says lifting the pitcher up with a bright smile.

I quickly grab a plate and toss two pancakes and some bacon onto the plate along with some grapes and a few orange slices. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I started dishing up and now my stomach is begging for a little taste of everything.

With a full plate in my hands I head outside to sit next to Hayley at the table. The morning air is perfect and the sun's not too hot yet, but I know it will be once the afternoon comes.

"Heard you're feeling better," Grayson comments as she grabs a glass and fills it up to the brim with mimosa before handing it to me.

I take a sip letting the fizzy bubbles tickle my throat. "Yeah," I mumble before taking another drink not really wanting to talk about it.

Attention finally pulls away from me as the group falls back into the conversation at hand before I came outside. They talk about last night with laughter, but I can feel Colt's gaze laser focused on me and it makes me squirm in my seat. The cool morning air suddenly becomes a lot hotter under his intense stare.

I try not to pay him any attention, but I notice he's changed into a shirt and some basketball shorts and I assume he borrowed some clothes from his brother.

Grayson casually mentions the girl Colt was talking to last night when she talks about how much she liked the woman's dress and I can't help myself from turning towards him.

I can't stop the question from leaving my lips nor do I really want to. I don't seem to have a filter when Colt is involved.

"Who was the girl last night you were talking to?" I ask him trying to sound easygoing and not at all obsessive and creepy.

A smirk lifts his pink lips. "Why do you want to know?" he questions with amusement shining in his eyes. The early morning sun glints in his brown eyes lightening them almost making them resemble the hazel of his brothers.

I shove a few grapes into my mouth as my knee begins to bounce under the table. "It was just a question," I tell him after a moment before I shoot him a glare but we both know it's more. So much more. I was jealous and he can see it, and I hate it.

"You jealous?" he asks, calling me out before taking a long drink of his mimosa without dropping his gaze from me.

And once again the annoyance that never seems to leave when I'm around him flares within my chest and I roll my eyes.

"Haha Colt," Hayley states sarcastically.

"Yeah, why would Maxine be jealous when she has a super cute new boyfriend," Grayson says and my eyes dart to her and widen at her word choice.

"He's not my boyfriend," I correct her with narrowed eyes and a faint flush that reddens my cheeks.

"He's a boy and he's a friend," Hayley steps in to say and I shake my head at her lame explanation.

"Very different Hayley," I point out with a raised eyebrow and pursed lips.

"Fine. Whatever," she concedes before taking a bite of her syrupy pancakes.

"And I'm not jealous Colt. It was just a question," I say easily but my knee doesn't stop bouncing and I know he can see right through me.

His eyes don't budge from mine as he traces his finger around the rim of his glass.

"Just a friend," he finally responds. "You know a girl who's a friend," he adds dryly, earning a small chuckle from Cale.

"Funny," I drawl.

"You know me. I'm hilarious," he counters with a devilish smirk that makes me want to punch him in the face and kiss him at the same time.

I shove down my fiery annoyance and look to see the drinks across the table are low. "Looks like we need a refill," I comment tensely, changing the subject as I reach across the table to grab the mimosa pitcher.

I make my way back into the house letting the door close behind me with a click, and I set the large pitcher down as I grab the orange juice and champagne and set them on the counter in front of me. I take a few deep breaths and for a moment I'm all by myself, but then I hear the back door open and shut.

My tongue runs over my bottom lip and from the faint smell of his cologne and the way my skin tingles I know who it is. My hands tighten around the edge of the counter until my knuckles turn white from the pressure.

"You need to leave me alone," I spit at him refusing to look at him as I release the counter and begin to pour the rest of the champagne into the pitcher with a heavy hand. I'm going to need to drink more if he's going to be around.

He rounds the counter until he's right beside me only a couple feet away. "You weren't saying that last night," he taunts darkly and it only pisses me off even more.

"Seriously Colt I'm done playing this game with you," I tell him with complete and utter seriousness in my tone.

"Why?" he asks and I can tell from the look in his eyes he really wants to know. As if it's not obvious enough at this point.

So I give him the truth. "Because you scare me," I admit and I have to drop my gaze back to the glass pitcher filled with bubbles in front of me to stop the self-consciousness from overwhelming me. I'd made dumb excuses in the past with Colt, but that was the truth. And I hate the vulnerable feeling that comes along with it.

"I scare you?" he questions with confusion lacing his words.

"Yes," I reply right away. "You are the exact opposite of everything I've ever wanted, and you make me feel things I've never felt before, and we haven't even kissed yet. So yes, that scares me. A lot," I ramble out telling him my truth even if it hurts.

"So you want me to stay away because what you feel for me scares you?" he asks with a harsh edge as if my reason isn't good enough for him.

"Yes," I breathe finally lifting my eyes to meet his.

"Why are you so afraid?" he asks with a curious glare.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I retort taken a bit back by his question.

"You're so concerned about what everyone thinks instead of living your own life. Stop thinking so much," he tells me like he has the right. "Why can't this just be fun?" he asks on a whisper that only makes anger spike within me.

"Why does everything need to be fun?" I push this time letting my emotions show. "You chase pleasure too much Colt," I say sharply.

"And you hide from it," he declares harshly before walking out of the kitchen, but he doesn't go back to the deck with everyone else. Instead he leaves out the front and slams the door shut behind him. The sound echoes through the house and my bones making me flinch in response.