7/1/17

THE WARM SUMMER air brushes against my exposed skin and the ocean breeze forces the hem of my dress to flutter against my thighs.

My eyes flicker around as the party on the beach grows and people come flooding in for the Fourth of July weekend festivities.

It's the Saturday before the actual fourth but tonight is the night when the town of Easton celebrates, and damn do they ever do. We have been eating and drinking and dancing and laughing all day. It's been the perfect day with my best friends. A day filled with memories I know will last a lifetime and belly laughs that I'll be ever so sore from tomorrow.

"What do you want?" Grayson asks, coming up from beside me and motioning to the cooler full of drinks stuck in the sand.

"A beer is fine," I respond as the DJ in the back switches the song and earns a few excited shouts from a group of girls near us.

She hands it to me and I take a sip but it's far from what I really want at this moment. But I noticed there aren't too many hard seltzers left and those are Hayley's favorite so I don't want to dig into those.

"A beer?" A warm voice calls out from behind me. I twist to see kind eyes and handsome dimples. "That's my kind of girl."

Finn lays his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in close for a moment. The faint smell of his body wash hits me and I instantly relax. I've learned that he doesn't usually wear cologne but that he always smells fresh and clean and...safe. Hugging him feels like falling into freshly washed and dried sheets after a long day. It's comfortable and it's easy and it's not scary.

Nothing about Finn is scary. He's sturdy and reliable and secure. He's as bright as the sun I wish I could be like and his warmth makes my heart flutter lightly in my chest.

"You look beautiful," he compliments earnestly as his eyes takes in the white ankle length dress I'm wearing with an open back.

My teeth graze against my bottom lip. "Thanks," I squeak out still so unused to being called that by someone who isn't my friend or mom.

I won't bring up how you were the most beautiful woman my eyes had ever landed on. 

The memory of me pushed up against Colt's fridge and him caging me in comes out of no where and makes guilt tinge my cheeks but I know it looks to Finn as if I'm blushing from his compliment.

That only makes me feel worse.

"Will you dance with me?" he asks, keeping me close. His words are gentle and never a command. Always soft and never intruding.

Not the way Colt would ask, because he wouldn't ask. He would tangle his fingers in mine roughly and tug me close until I wouldn't know where he ended and I began.

My breath catches at the intrusive thoughts and my stomach twists in a torturous mix of shame and desire.

I nod once, shoving the thoughts of Colt far, far away. "Yes. I'd love to dance with you."

My attention then turns to my friends who are watching us with wide obvious grins. "Don't worry about us. I'll hold your drink," Grayson urges eagerly and I almost roll my eyes at how giddy they are acting. My friends are anything but subtle.

Hayley slides up behind Grayson with rosy cheeks from all the drinking we've done today and snatches the beer from my hands and takes a big swig. Hayley is a notorious drink stealer, but doesn't drink beer unless she's drunk. And right now swaying beside Grayson to country music she definitely has a buzz,  but she's also smiling so bright it's almost blinding.

She thinks moving down here and taking that job will be a mistake. But it's not. Because we've spent the entire day without any of the Hasting men and I've never seen her happier. This is her home. She's in her element by the sea and she's meant to be with Clayton.

Hayley might not see it yet. But she will. Because Easton is where she belongs no matter what the future holds.

"Or I won't," Grayson says while laughing at our tipsy friend before yanking the beer from her hands and replacing it with a water bottle. "You don't even like beer," she comments with a roll of her ocean blue eyes.

"I do right now," Hayley reasons before watching a girl walk by with a platter of food in her arms. "I want french fries," she whines with a hiccup and it's the last of the conversation I catch before Finn starts to move us towards the mix of people dancing.

I take in the area and watch couples and friends and families dance and have a wonderful time together. The air is saturated with pure joy as music winds its way through us and it makes me relax.

Finn's hands find my waist and mine curl around his neck to play with the light curls at the nape of his neck. We sway and dance and he twirls me as the music continues to carry us across the soft sand. Laughter bubbles from my throat and I can't stop smiling as we dance under the warm evening sky.

The sun mingles with the moon as they share the same sky along with the wispy clouds and incoming stars.

The night feels almost perfect. But something is missing. I can't place it, but for some reason my heart can.

Then I feel him. Without even seeing him I know and my entire body tenses in Finn's arms.

And that's when my eyes finally spot him. Almost as if they were pulled towards him. It's been a week since I last saw him. A week since our kiss. A week since we laid in bed and agreed to be friends. A week since he showed me his art and showed me the first glimmer of the Colt beyond who everyone says he is.

And now he's standing with his brothers and my best friends. He's standing yards away and yet with his dark eyes locked in on me it feels as if he's standing right beside me. As if Finn's hands are his and suddenly my body is aflame and my throat feels dry.

My tongue wets my bottom lip and as the song draws to a close I find myself pulling out of Finn's comforting embrace and into the night air. The night air that's suddenly sparking to life with heady uncertainty and sizzling lust and so many emotions I feel my cheeks and neck flush.

My head swarms. "I think I might need that drink now," I tell Finn with a weak smile.

He doesn't object. He just smiles at me. "Let's go."

Finn laces his fingers with mine and we walk towards my friends. I notice how Cale stands behind Grayson with his hands wrapped around her waist and his chin resting on her shoulder. I notice how Clayton stands inches from Hayley and how their fingers graze each other ever so often almost as if they don't notice it but the small taste of intimacy is there to anchor them to one another.

And then my eyes lift to Colt once again and I notice how they brighten when I get closer. They continue to hold mine almost as if he's been waiting for me this entire time and it makes my heart do funny things. It makes me want to lock up my heart and hide from my growing feelings. It makes me want to follow my stupid heard and run head first into trouble.

It makes me want to kiss him and never ever stop.

But then Finn's hand squeezes mine bringing me back to reality and as I come crashing down I feel embarrassment color me red that I let dumb delusions take over me, even if just for a small moment.

Colt and I agreed to be friends. Nothing more. I need to focus on that and forget anything and everything that happened between us.

He steps forward and hands me a drink without a word. But not just any drink, one of my favorite brands I've just discovered this summer. They are canned cocktails and they actually taste fresh and delicious and are made locally.

My eyes narrow in on the chilled can in my hand. "These weren't in the coolers," I comment before raising my gaze back to him.

Colt shrugs faintly. "They were for me."

I could push him. I want to push him. But it doesn't seem right with Finn at my side and my hand still clasped in his. But I know. I don't know how I know, but I know he brought them for me and that information makes my heart almost jump straight out of my chest and run full speed ahead into his arms.

"Thanks," I murmur, not looking him in the eyes as I release Finn's hand to flip up the tab and let the crisp fruity taste take over my tastebuds.

After Finn grabs a beer I notice him lift his hand and wave at a group clustered down the beach that looks to be around our age if not a bit older. He turns his attention to me but before he can say anything I cut in.

"Go hang out with them," I say with a slight tilt of my head towards the group.

His eyebrows draw together. "Are you sure?"

I bump him with my shoulder playfully. "Of course!" I tell him honestly. "Don't feel like you need to hang out with us the entire night."

Finn steps closer and slips his arm around my waist tugging me closer. I resist the urge to look at Colt. "But I do want to hang out with you all night," he whispers in my ear, making my cheeks hurt from the smile he brings to my lips.

I flick my gaze up to his. "We have all night," I remind him. The party is just getting started. There is no need for him to be at my side the entire time. Especially when he knows people here. Plus we are still just causally hanging out and I don't want to hold him back from having fun. "Go, I'll come by and bother you in a bit. If you don't mind."

His thumb grazes my hip softly. "I'd never mind that Maxine. Bother me anytime," he murmurs, making me feel as if the sun is still hanging in the sky.

I chuckle. "I'll remind you of that when you get tired of me."

He laughs causing his dimples to show. "Never," he promises before he places a tender kiss against my temple and walks down the beach away from me.

I feel bad about it, but a part of me is happy to have the space from him. Don't get me wrong I do want Finn around, but when he and Colt are both around me I start to get confused and my heart and head begin to battle with each other making me nauseas from the constant back and forth.

Music swirls around us and I stand back and watch Cale and Grayson dance together with so much love in their eyes. I watch Clayton and Hayley talk to the side as they walk near the shoreline dipping their toes in the water.

I watch my friends in complete and total love and it's beautiful and my entire body aches in wanting the same feeling. But my heart is also so scared of it. Scared of letting go. Of falling into the unknown. Of being hurt and tossed aside. Of being used and left.

I've seen what that can do to someone first hand.

"Hey." The smooth velvet voice makes my pulse spike and I don't have to turn to know who it is.

It's the voice that comes to me in my dreams. It's the voice that pops into my head when I least expect it. It's the voice I don't want to lean into but can't help but to cling to when I fall into my bed every night.

I turn towards the voice and my breath catches in my throat. Every time I see him close up it shocks me at how handsome he is. How perfectly beautiful he is. He's the biggest contradiction I've ever met. How can someone so beautiful be so achingly annoying and make me angrier than anyone I've met? How can someone so rude and blunt paint the most beautiful images I've ever seen?

He's everything I know I shouldn't want but when I'm around him I don't care. When he's nearby he's all I want. He consumes my every thought. And when he touches me every rational thought leaves because he's the one who stokes the fire I hide deep within my walls.

"Let's take a walk" he suggests casually.

"With you?" I ask skeptically. My body may want him, but my mind has yet to fully trust him.

"No, by yourself," he deadpans.

I grit my teeth together. "Can you just not be an ass for once?" I ask with a huff.

A devilish smirk pulls across his lips making dirty thoughts blossom in my head. "Nope. Now come on," he says. He didn't ask before and he's not asking now. As much as I want to hate when he does this I can't deny the shiver that winds down my spine at the demand.

My gaze travels to my friends and they are all caught up in their own little worlds having the perfect night with the ones they love. My attention then flashes to Finn and he's laughing with his friends looking like the bright sun he is.

Colt's tall form appears in front of me as his dark gaze zeros in on me as he sees the hesitation shine in my eyes. "No one's watching Max," he drawls in my ear, making my blood sizzle in my veins when his hot breath sinks into the skin of my neck. "You can hang out with me and let that guard down."

My hands fist. "I don't have a guard up," I snap, hating the way he tries to read me.

Hating the way he usually gets it right.

He laughs loudly and it makes my jaw clench. God, why does he have to be so damn annoying? "Sure you don't," he mocks.

"Stop it," I say tersely but I make sure to keep my voice low so as to not draw any attention towards us.

He leans closer but he makes sure not to touch me, physically at least. But right now his breath, his warmth, everything that makes him him is touching me. Caressing me. Teasing me. Driving me wild. "Stop what?" He questions. His voice coming out quiet and gravely and making my body want more.

I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep breath before I gain the strength to take a step away. "Stop acting like you know me Colt," I voice heatedly.

His dark eyes hold mine unwavering. "I don't know everything Maxine. I want to, but I have a feeling I'll need to work for that. And I'm okay working for it because you're worth it," he says seriously. There's no humor. No winks or smirks. And it makes my skin break out in goosebumps. "But also don't act like I don't know things about you. Things you think you can easily hide from everyone else I can see. But you're right. That doesn't mean I know you."

I don't know what to say. I almost forget how to breathe. Why does he want to get to know me? Why am I special? I am no one. I am the girl who hides in the background of life while Colt is the star and life of every party. We couldn't be more opposite. So why am I the one who's caught his eye?

Colt takes another step closer and this time his gaze softens almost as if he knows he's pushed too hard. "Can we take that walk now?"

At least he asked. "Fine," I relent, letting my gaze travel back to my friends. But they are occupied with each other and Colt is right, at least in this moment. They wouldn't notice if we slipped away for a little bit.

"Don't sound too eager now," he grumbles at my response.

I want to chuckle, but I don't let it escape. Instead I keep my distance and we walk slowly away from the party. From the crowd. From the music and lighthearted conversation and slowly we move into the darkness with only the moon leading us.

Colt is quiet alongside me. He isn't forcing the conversation and shockingly it isn't uncomfortable. It's nice.

We walk away from the party for a while until we naturally come to a stop and we both lower ourselves into the sand making sure to keep a distance from the shore.

I look at him to find his attention already on me which causes me to freeze. His gaze trail over me as if he's taking me in. Every time we are this close it's always like he's looking at me for the first time when his dark eyes find me and it makes me uneasy. He lingers a touch too long on my lips making them tingle from the intensity. "What are you thinking about?" I ask my voice coming out a bit breathless.

Colt breaks his gaze and looks out into the dark sea. The moon is reflecting in the midnight waves and it's beautiful as the stars shine above us. "Honestly?" he asks as he moves his hand through the sand.

"Yeah," I reply instantly as nerves creep under my skin. I swallow suddenly dying to know if the thoughts that are plaguing him are the ones that haunt me.

He turns his head sharply and lands his eyes directly on me. "You."

Chills scatter down my spine and an ache warms across my skin with the way he watches me. It's pure heat. It's everything I haven't seen since the moment we were kissing in his kitchen and now it's the only thing I can think about.

It's all I want again.

I inhale on a shaky breath. "Care to elaborate?" I don't know why I ask. I don't know why I even care. But something deep inside me is craving to know.

He lets out a dry laugh. "With you here on a date with someone else...I probably shouldn't."

I almost correct him that it isn't a date. But I don't. It's probably for the best he thinks Finn and I are dating. Maybe that will make him keep his distance, which in turn will make me keep mine if he isn't around as much. Then we can be friends without all the underlying heat that keeps coming to life between us.

I relax into the sand and that's when I notice there's something off about Colt. There's tension in his shoulders that rolls off of him in thick waves and when he meets my gaze I see the anxiety that grows in his eyes and it makes my stomach twist.

Something is wrong. 

"What's on your mind Colt?" I ask under my breath. There's no one around. I know I don't need to whisper but something about this moment makes me lean in and grow quiet.

His lips press into a thin line. "I just told you," he pushes back.

I shake my head refusing to let up. "There's something more," I observe.

"So you know me now?" he retorts back.

"Maybe a little," I joke, trying to remain lighthearted even though I can see that something is truly bothering him.

A small smile touches his lips at my words. "I don't like to complain. Actually I hate to do it. But this last week was hard. My dad...." he trails as if he doesn't want to finish. I can see the rigidness on his body and it's obvious he doesn't want to share what's on his mind and weighing on his heart but it's also obvious he needs to.

It's then I realize that maybe Colt is a lot more like me than I even know.

"What?" I question not letting this go. Pushing him like he loves to push me.

"I have all these expectations," he begins with a heavy sigh. "I always have that's nothing new, but over the last few years they've grown. First with Clayton losing his girlfriend, and then with Cale not speaking to our father for half a year because he blamed him for his split with Grayson, and then with Chase coming out. All of my brother's had these moments where my father changed how he treated them. He put on his kid gloves again because he didn't want to lose them and at different times he almost did. But with me he's never feared that. He's never had to handle me with kid gloves even when I was a kid. So he puts the weight of the world on me. All of it. All at once. And sometimes it makes me want to pull my hair out," he says on a harsh breath.

I reach out and set my hand on his shoulder. I don't think about it. I just do it and the moment I touch him I feel him relax just a bit. "I'm sorry," I tell him and it's the truth. He has a pressure on him I could never imagine and he obviously hides the strain it has put on him. He hides behind lazy smirks and stupid remarks.

He scoffs and shrugs out of my touch. My heart tightens in pain at the action but I don't comment on it. "Don't be," he says, waving me off and plastering on an easy grin that I know isn't real. "I'm complaining about working for my successful father at his successful company where I'm on the board."

"Colt," I chide refusing to let him brush this off. "You don't have to do that with me. You can complain. Everyone needs to."

"Not me. Never me," he announces but then he pauses and lifts his eyes to meet mine. "Well until you."

Shock widens my eyes. "What does that mean?" I ask with a wrinkled forehead.

Colt tilts his head. "I've always been an ass as everyone likes to tell me." He shoots me a pointed look with a lazy smile obviously referring to when I called him an ass earlier. "They also like to assume I do whatever I want whenever I want. Which is true to an extent, but I was also ready to marry Penelope for my dad. I do and have done a lot for my father that no one even knows about. But then I met you and...and I wanted something for me and only me for the first time in a long time. But that only made my father angry with me. Because I do what I'm told when it comes to him, and this time I didn't. But I'm the oldest. I don't get those nice kid gloves at twenty-seven."

I swallow down the tears that prick my eyes. I can see the way he wants to play it off, but I can also feel the pain. His relationship with his dad is strained from him not choosing to marry the woman his father chose for him. But it's also strained from taking years of his family putting him last. He's Colt so he plays it off and puts his pain behind walls like I do mine and pretends everything is fine.

Colt may be older than me by a handful of years but right now under the moon he looks young and broken and it makes me want to pull him close and hold him until his heartbeat syncs with my own.

I don't miss the words he says about me and how he chose me, but that was the past and we are trying to be friends in the present. So I move past them even though my heart is dying for me to circle back to them.

I don't quite know how to react so instead I do the only thing I can. I lower the ten foot steel walls around my heart and share a piece of me. A piece of me I have never shared with anyone.

"I only have one memory of my father," I start and try to keep my words even but my pulse is hammering and my voice sounds louder than usual in my ears. "One good memory that I hold onto so that one day if I run into him and see that he's changed I can maybe try. Maybe try not to hate him."

My mom doesn't know this. She doesn't know I try to keep my heart as open as possible to the idea that my dad might one day come back into my life and maybe even hers. I've seen the way she was after he left. She was broken. Her heart shattered and her entire life in shreds. It took years for her to be brought back to life, and even now she isn't the same person she was when I was a child.

It's the reason I keep my shield up so high. But a small part of me remains open to the idea of my dad. It's small. So small I usually forget about it, but right now it's glaring me straight in the eyes and it's hard to ignore. I can't shove it down like I usually can. The cracks in my shield are growing and I know who it's because of and it only makes me more scared to be around Colt.

But I don't run. Instead I push forward and continue.

"He took me to a concert. My one and only concert I've ever been to. And that night he called me Maxamillion for the first time because he said that my smile alone was worth a million bucks." The words burn on my tongue making my eyes well up at the memory.

"He's not wrong."

Colt's words catch me off guard. "About what?"

The look on his face is too much. The spark in his eyes too hot. "Your smile."

My body melts and my heart squeezes in a way that is not at all friendly.

An hour passes with ease and I hate to admit it but talking and being with Colt is so easy. Just as easy as the morning on his bed in the fresh sunlight. He makes me laugh and tears back the layers and let's me see the person he really is. Not the man everyone loves to talk about behind his back.

I understand why people say what they do about him. He's abrasive. He's an ass. He doesn't know when to shut up at times. Or ever. But underneath all that he's smart and funny and considerate. He hides this entire side from the world...kind of like me.

Kind of like the moon.

We hide our true selves in attempts to shield ourselves from the pain we think will come. We are damaged and yet here we sit on a beach together laughing and forgetting about our bruised and bleeding hearts.

I come to terms that we might actually be able to be friends. I know we agreed to it after our kiss, but I doubted it to be honest. But now I truly want it.

I want his friendship because I like the way his voice sounds. I like the easy smile on his lips. I like the brightness in his eyes.

I like Colt Hasting.

This line we can ride as long as the summer sun lets us because the moment we cross it I know my heart won't be safe.

My father cheated on my mother. Colt cheated on his fiancé with me. There's too many parallels already and we've barely even begun and it has fear seeping into my bones like ice. Because I can't become broken like my mom did. For years ruined and wrecked. A shell of herself and the woman she used to be.

I can't let someone wound me like that. And Colt has that power.

But I can be his friend. And he can be mine.

"I should make my way back," I finally say though I don't want to. It's weird to acknowledge I don't want to leave his side but I have my friends. I have Finn.

I can't ditch them the entire night.

"Finn?" he asks without pause.

I shrug, not wanting to answer because it makes my stomach twist. I don't want to ruin the time we spent together. I don't want to take away from it by mentioning Finn. So I rise to my feet and sweep my hands across my sandy dress making sure everything is in place. "Are you coming?" I ask when I notice he hasn't moved.

"Yeah..." he trails but his voice is distant. "I'll come over in a bit," he says but I don't believe him. Not in the slightest.

"The fireworks should be starting soon," I say lamely, hoping it will drag him back to the group. I don't want our night to end here.

I don't want it to end at all.

He stands up and a small smile lifts his lips before he steps towards me. He lifts a hand and trails his thumb against my cheek. It's soft but with a rough edge and it's all Colt. My delicious contradiction. Dirty and rugged and everything I was told wasn't good and to stay away from. But here I am putty in his arms.

"See you over there?" I question but I know it's goodbye for the night.

He nods but doesn't say anything. Colt being quiet is weird and makes my stomach flip uncomfortably.

I turn to walk away when I hear him.

"Enjoy the fireworks Maxamillion." It's quiet but I hear it. And I let the words trail against my skin like the ocean breeze and it feels beautiful and perfect.

I don't turn back. But I smile and somehow him using that cherished nickname makes me feel lighter.

As I get closer to the party the bonfire rages and the music grows louder as people dance and talk and laugh. The party is alive and bright even at night and it's so different from the dark corner of moonlight Colt and I created for a small moment in time.

I make my way over to my friends who are sitting on a large blanket. Lounging and drinking together.

Grayson notices me first. She's laying back in Cale's arms looking relaxed and happy. "Where did you go?" she asks as I sit down beside her.

"Yeah you disappeared!" Hayley chirps in bringing a bottle of water to her lips.

I set my hands in the sand behind me and lean back. "Just needed a moment," I say, not wanting to elaborate.

"Did Colt leave?" Cale asks as if just realizing he didn't around.

"Probably banging some girl in a porta potty," Clayton jokes and everyone laughs.

But I don't. I want to open my mouth and defend him. Say how hard his week has been and the weight that's on his shoulders that's drowning him slowly.

But it's not my place. So I keep my mouth shut even though it hurts my heart.

I notice Grayson eye me at my sudden silence but thankfully Finn comes back and sits beside me saving me from my friends questioning gaze.

"Did you have fun with your friends?" I ask him as he drapes a hand over my shoulders.

"I did but I missed you," he says holding me close. "I tried to find you earlier but I couldn't everything okay?"

My chest clenches. I was hoping he didn't notice.

"Just needed a break," I say keeping the same vague excuse.

Finn nods and doesn't push me any further because he's nice and kind. But that doesn't ease the guilt from my heart.

Nothing happened between Colt and me so I don't know why I lie about it, but something about the time we spent together was special and I don't want to share it with everyone just yet.

A loud bang echoes through the sky and suddenly sparks are flying overhead and everyone's attention is staring up at that sky.

Finn shifts to sit behind me and wraps his arms around me and it's nice.

But it's no firework. It's not glitteringly bright and mesmerizing. It's not loud and makes my heart race. It's not spectacular and wildly hypnotic and everything I didn't know I needed but crave.

No. There's only one person who is that for me.

And he's gone.