6/2/17

MY EYES PAUSE on my reflection in the mirror of the bathroom.

My eyes stop on the black one-piece bathing suit I'm wearing. Nothing special, understated, easy to pass over. And nothing like the expensive lingerie I own in secret. Pieces of hand crafted artwork that sit stowed away where none of my friends can stumble across them.

"Maxine!" Hayley's voice calls out for me from downstairs.

My gaze lingers on the simple clothes I dawn. The bathing suit suddenly rubs my skin the wrong way. It grazes and sits awkwardly and begs to be torn away. To wear in its place the mauve string bikini I bought on a whim before this trip.

But the ever-familiar and unwanted sensation of unease and fear weaves its way through me. Unease and fear of being judged, of being looked at differently, of disappointing my friends and of course my mother.

I've always been quiet; shy even at times. I've never been one to stand out and draw attention to myself. Especially after my father left. My entire life has been about being the best I can be for my mother. Proving that I can be who she raised me to be, and not the flake my father proved to be.

I quickly shove away the heady feelings that cloud my thoughts before tossing on a white crochet cover-up. "Coming!" I shout back with a sigh as I grab my tote and sunglasses.

I make my way downstairs taking two steps at a time and round the corner to see my best friends standing at the kitchen talking. They are both dressed and ready for the beach day we have planned.

"Here," Grayson says as soon as she spots me. She turns to grab a beach towel off the counter before tossing it at me.

"Thanks," I murmur holding the large neon orange towel close to my chest.

Hayley pulls her dark hair up into a messy bun. "Ready for some day drinking?" she asks us letting her faint green eyes flicker between us both.

"Ready," I nod with a smile.

"Always," Grayson beams before pulling her sunglasses down from her hair so they now rest on her nose.

Hayley and I each grab a handle of the large blue cooler filled with drinks, and follow Grayson out the back door to her house. As soon as we step outside the sun hits us like a spotlight. My fair skin instantly becomes flush at the sweltering heat. The sand flies around us as my flip-flops kick it up with each step we take leading us closer to the ocean. She lives right on the beach and it's so perfectly beautiful I'm almost jealous this was where her family vacationed for majority of her childhood.

We walk down a ways to settle at a more social part of the beach that is less secluded than the area right behind her house.

Hayley and I drop the cooler with a thud as soon as we find the perfect spot for the three of us. All of us begin to unpack and set up our area for the day. We lie out our towels, set up an umbrella, and connect the small Bluetooth speaker to start playing Hayley's summer playlist.

I am pulling up my auburn hair when I see Hayley's eyes scanning the entire beach as if she's looking for something, or rather someone. My shoulders fall because I know she wants to ask if Clayton is coming by today, but at the same time doesn't want to seem needy.

So I ask the question I know is burning at the tip of her tongue. "Is anyone coming to hangout with us today?" I try to inquire slyly but as soon as the words leave my lips Hayley locks her gaze on me.

A faint smile lifts her lips as if in thanks before she turns back to the glittering water before us. She lowers herself to her towel and relaxes as if my question helped relieve a bit of the stress that I know is weighing on her shoulders.

Grayson rubs some sunscreen on her cheeks before rotating to face me. "Cale is," she confirms quickly. "And I think Colt," she adds with a roll of her eyes as if not too happy he's tagging along and crashing our fun.

My body tenses at the name of the one Hasting brother I would rather not see again. Ever. I haven't seen him since the morning after I had one too many margaritas, and I wish it could stay that way for the rest of the summer.

He may be nice to look at, okay more than nice, but he makes me feel unsteady with nerves and uncertainty with the way he seems to read me like a book. See right through me.

I clear my throat and turn my head to take in Hayley. Her head drops slightly and I know she's disappointed but won't say anything. Unless we ask.

"Have you talked to him lately?" I ask her quietly as Grayson messes around on her phone.

She lifts her head to meet my eyes. "We text almost every day. It's just been a few days since we've talked," she says with a casual shrug but I know it's anything but.

Hayley loves fiercely and the fact that she can't love the man she wants, the way she wants, is eating away at her slowly. She knows it won't last forever, and it's what is needed for now. But that doesn't make it any easier.

She turns the music up a touch louder and I know that's her way of saying she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

I grab my tote and begin to dig through it on the search for my sunscreen. I quickly locate it and pull it out before lifting myself up to a standing position. I squeeze out the cool white lotion and begin to lather it thickly all over my pale and freckled body.

My hand falls to the small cut out on the back of my swimsuit though I can't quite reach the entire circle with the angle it's at.

"Can someone help me apply?" I ask taking in my lounging friends.

They lift their heads but don't make a move to help me. I can't read Grayson's expression because of the large sunglasses covering half her face, but Hayley's eyes are wide and her mouth agape.

My eyebrows furrow and I part my lips to speak when suddenly I feel someone touch me. Knuckles graze deliberately against the circle of naked skin and send a wave of unwanted chills throughout my body.

Without even turning around I know who it is and it makes my stomach flip. "I can help," I hear Colt's deep voice rasp from behind me.

My body shivers at the contact. My tongue runs across the inside of my teeth and my cheeks flame. My entire body is suddenly on fire and it makes me flush even harder from embarrassment that only one touch from him has me this way.

I twist my neck so I can lock my eyes on the pair of dark ones that seem to follow me everywhere. That haunt me.

His gaze narrows and his lips twist in a smirk as if challenging me, daring me to say no and show how much he affects me.

I roll my eyes and shove the sunscreen against his still clothed chest. Thank god.

"Here," I grunt facing forward with my hands clenched at my side. I fist them tightly so my nails dig into my palm as if that will force my body to behave once he touches me again.

I wet my suddenly dry lips and the moment his hand touches my bare skin I can't help but jump.

"You good?" he asks and I can hear the smile in his voice. The pure unadulterated cockiness. It only makes my knuckles squeeze even harder.

I swallow to clear my throat. "Just cold," I murmur though we both know it's a lie.

"Sure," he drawls as his hands begins to rub the lotion into the small cutout.

Colt then lifts his hands to rub lotion into the skin at the back of my neck and then trail a touch lower to trace my spine. His touch is firm and filled with assurance and scares me at how much I don't want him to stop.

"Are you almost done?" I ask annoyance clear in my tone knowing if he doesn't stop soon I'm going to become putty between his fingers.

Colt leans forward until his lips graze the shell of my ear. My entire body freezes at the contact and my mind begins to muddle as I let out a quivering breath.

"Not even close," he whispers slowly before he pulls away and even doused in the sun I feel cold. I run my fingers over the small raised bumps on my arms and let out a pent up sigh.

I push a loose strand of hair behind my ear and turn around to see him walk back to help his brother, Cale, carry over a few things from their Jeep. I lower myself back down to my towel to only meet wide confused stares from my friends.

"What?" I ask playing dumb though my heart is pounding in my chest. I open the cooler to pull out a cold seltzer and pop the tab and gulp half the can in one swig to try and squash my nerves.

Grayson tilts her head letting her long blonde hair flow in the ocean breeze. "What the hell was that?" she questions her voice filled to the brim with unbridled shock.

I shrug letting the cool carbonation calm my racing nerves. "Don't know what you mean," I counter lamely. Playing the dumb card has never worked well with my friends, as boundaries are not something they do well with. But my past with the eldest Hasting brother is not something they will ever find out about.

Hayley lets out a bark of laughter. "Really?" she trails obviously not believing a word I'm saying. "I've seen the parade of women he drags around who are all usually more into him than the other way around. But that was something different," she tells me before her eyes focus in on me as if she's trying to piece me together, but she's missing a few rather important parts.

"What?" I echo not knowing what else to say under my friend's intense questioning glares.

"Yeah, what's going on?" Grayson questions not quite buying the act I'm putting up.

I let out an awkward chuckle trying to stay casual. "He's just messing with me. He knows it makes me uncomfortable," I tell them almost with too much ease. I wasn't raised to be a liar, and yet lying to my best friends has become something I'm rather good at. The thought makes my stomach clench with nausea.

"Well he is a complete ass," Hayley says as she muses over my words.

"Just be careful with him," Grayson warns simply, but I can feel a piece of her wants to add more.

"We want you to get laid this summer Maxine, but maybe not from Colt who's a walking STD," Hayley tells me pointedly with a look of disgust painted over her delicate features.

"Hey!" Colt calls out from behind us. "I live my life by the motto no glove no love," he says as him and his brother drop their belongings in front of us.

"Exactly our point," Hayley says with a wave of her hand at the black sheep of the Hasting family.

Both Cale and Colt lay their towels out and before I know it Colt is peeling his T-shirt off his body. My eyes can't look away as it takes in every inch of his exposed chest. He's all tan, muscular, and hot enough to lick. My cheeks flush at the visual and a bolt of heat settles between my legs. His dark eyes lock on me catching me in the act before he tosses me an arrogant wink. I advert my eyes as the ever-familiar feeling of shame courses through me at the memories of that night.

That night I touched his chest and pulled his silky dark hair. Kissed his perfectly warm lips and strong neck. Bit his shoulder to suppress the moans that wanted to escape when his fingers pushed me over the edge.

I grab my drink and down the rest of it letting the chill drink cool my body down.

My eyes squeeze shut and with a few deep breaths I attempt to slow my beating pulse. I hate remembering that night. It's not who I am. I've never done anything like that before in my life, and it was dirty and wrong and crossed lines I never thought I would.

I tug my sunglasses over my eyes and relax into my towel and try and ignore the man before me. Try and ignore the past that hammers me in the head every time he's around.

Finally after a few minutes both brothers are sitting down on their towels with cans of beer in their hands as the sun continues to beat down on us. It's as if the day is only getting hotter as sweat begins to bead at the back of my neck.

"How's Penelope?" Cale asks his brother before taking a swig of his blue can. The name instantly causes my ears to perk and I sit up on my elbows to look at them.

Besides the slightest tick of Colt's jaw he doesn't react. "Fine," he replies evenly though he doesn't elaborate any further on the woman his brother is bringing up.

Without a second thought I decide to ask the question that's burning it's way through my head. "Who's Penelope?" I blurt.

"His fiancé," Cale tells me so easily as those two little words didn't tear apart my entire world. The knowledge that I not only crossed a professional line at work, but a line that no one should cross when promised to another creates turmoil within me.

Heat pricks my eyes as anger slices through my body. "What?" I breathe trying to calm the storm brewing within me. If I have an outburst now I know my friends will definitely know something is up. I won't be able to hide behind lame excuses then. "You're engaged?" I question though my words come out a touch clipped.

Colt focuses his dark gaze on me. "I was engaged, I'm not anymore," he states as if that makes a difference to me. Then suddenly that fateful night comes back a touch clearer. I was told there was a bachelor party that night I just never found out who the bachelor was.

"What happened?" Cale asks pulling his brother's intense focus from me.

Colt runs a hand over his face. "Just wasn't meant to be," he says shrugging it off as if it's nothing. As if him touching me while engaged to another woman meant nothing. Disgust roles through me causing my hands to clench in the sand.

"Sorry man," his brother tells him slapping a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry about it I actually think I may have met someone new," he voices and the moment I see that smirk pull at his lips dread courses through my veins because I know where this is going.

I think I may actually hate him.

"Really?" Grayson asks doubtfully as she pulls her sunglasses from her face and into her hair.

Colt nods not phased by her suspicion. "Yeah, I met her and I knew I had to break it off with Penelope," he continues only letting the grin on his face widen and my eyes narrow knowing what is to come next. And a part of me is fully aware he's messing with me, but the other part can't help but wonder if some truth is in his words. Did I break a couple up? The question twists my insides so tight I feel like I may actually be sick.

"Where did you meet her?" Cale questions obviously interested in what his brother is going to say next.

Colt's dark eyes flicker to mine. "Strip club," he replies.

"Oh god," Grayson groans.

"Really?" Hayley states dryly.

Humor lights up Colt's expression and I know he's reveling in their responses. He loves to push the buttons of the ones around him. Loves to see how far he can push the boundaries. "One look and I swear I would've married her on the spot," he adds as he sets his hands behind him and leans back.

I suppress an aggravated response and instead jump up to my feet. "I need to go for a swim," I state not waiting to see who will follow because I need space from the one man who I can't seem to escape.

"I'll come along!" Hayley calls out from behind me.

"Same," Grayson shouts before they are both beside me as I hastily walk towards the deep blue sea.

As soon as the water touches my toes a chill scatters through my body, but I don't stop. Without hesitation I move further into the ocean until I'm waist deep and the water is slowly crashing against my chest. The sun shines off the sea, and it's so clear I can see straight down to my wiggling toes.

I dip my head back until my scalp hit the cool ocean before standing back up.

"Sorry Max," Grayson apologies from behind me. I rotate in the water to face both her and Hayley. "Colt can be a bit much at first," he explains with worry coating her expression and it makes my heart fall into my stomach. She's worried I'm offended by Colt's words, when I'm just simply humiliated by my own actions with him.

"Seriously Gray he's so gross why did Cale bring him?" Hayley complains as she jumps the passing by waves careful to not get her hair wet.

Grayson lets out a sigh. "It's his brother," she says with a shrug. "He wasn't supposed to be here this summer anyways. He was supposed to be in Illinois working on opening an office there with his team," she tells us as we slowly move out deeper into the ocean.

"Then why did he stay?" Hayley asks stealing the question directly from my lips.

Grayson shakes her head with a bemused expression. "Who knows with him," she tells us. "But seriously just ignore him," she tells me.

"Don't worry I will," I respond instantly.

"Hopefully he will become bored with us and leave us alone," Hayley says with a wishful glow behind her eyes. "So don't go falling for his charm," she tells me with a playful roll of her eyes.

I let out a laugh that sounds a touch too forced. "Believe me I would never touch a guy like that."

The truth is in the past I've always avoided men like Colt. Men that are handsome, almost sinfully so, always know the right thing to say, and so cocky it's annoying yet intriguing at the same time. That was the kind of man I knew I didn't want. Because that was the kind of man my father was, well at least that's how my mother always described him to me.

I vowed to myself at a young age I would never let myself fall for a man who would only leave me. Who would only break my heart and leave me to clean up the pieces.

And Colt Hasting is exactly that kind of man.

The kind of man I should run far, far away from.