Caution!

The following contains dark themes. Self loathing and suicide are present in multiple chapters. This story gets lighter as it progress, but be advised that the beginning is rather dark.

Current chapter has depictions of  self-harm, thoughts of self-loathing, trauma, as well as psychological distress. Please be warned.

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When he woke up, light blinded his eyes.

Kim Lee Hyu squinted as he let his green eyes adjust to the light. He isn't sure where this light was coming from when he's been sitting in darkness since the start of his punishment.

'Are they trying to blind me this time? So that I can't even look at my reflection?' the man-turned-boy thought with a frown.

It wasn't really creative of a punishment. Or maybe he was simply put in a new play area to further torment him. With his eyes finally adjusted, he could see that he was still in his room, judging by the way his ceiling was still the same.

"The fourth prince has awoken!" someone yelled out, and that had Kim Lee Hyu snapping to attention. He tried to move his head up, to see if what he heard was true. To see if there truly were people here.

His body refused to move, only his eyes could move to see people, actual people around his bed. The boy could see the concern in their eyes, with laces of guilt like they care. Why would they- oh, so is this the mocking part of his punishment? Make him feel comforted and loved only to take all of it away. He's seen it before, done by other villainous people. Kim Lee Hyu knows he's trash, but even he hadn't tormented someone like this, frankly, he doesn't think he ever will. Distrusting eyes glanced around the room, eyeing the priests and healers surrounding him.

Kim Lee Hyu's sure he can take them out, even with the horrendous state his body is in, but he also knows that if there are healers, there are guards.

As loath as he is to admit it, he doesn't have enough strength to fight even a normal guard. Not with his mana reserves as low as they are now. There are about five healers and one priest, so there should be ten guards and at least one paladin nearby. If he runs instead of attacks, he can possibly catch them off guard and escape. That is if the punishment will even allow him to run.

Kim Lee Hyu needed to think clearly. It wouldn't make sense if he ran away, after all his punisher would surely hate it. He'll stay obedient for now, and see what else in store they had for him. Honestly, using no named priests and healers to care for him was pretty stupid. After all, there are other people they could have used-

The boy watched as the door suddenly slammed open, sandy brown hair entering his vision and making his blood drop. Concerned reddish-brown eyes looked at him, and Kim Lee Hyu could feel his own eyes shaking.

Of all the people.

Of all the people they could use.

They used him.

The only human being who cared about him in this goddamned castle. The man who tried his best to help him, even if he initially hated the other. The one who grew to love and care for the fourth prince. His only father figure in this world, the man who sacrificed himself to save Alexander Oriel, whose death lead him to true villainy.

Diland Blade, the only light in Alexander's life.

Kim Lee Hyu is still six right now, so Diland and him shouldn't be close yet. However, the boy knew that this age would be the most painful for him. He doesn't think he can bare to see the slight disdain in his light's eyes.

It would destroy him.

"Your highness-" Diland said carefully, but Kim Lee Hyu couldn't stop a flinch from happening. He wonders how he looks like right now, unable to move, body weak, terror in his eyes as he tried desperately to move. His pathetic.

A complicated emotion passed through the servant's eyes, but Kim Lee Hyu was too focused on trying to -move god damn it- to even notice. Diland approached slowly, like trying to get close to a cornered animal, as the white-haired boy stared with unblinking dull green eyes.

"Your highness," the man said slowly, his hands up as if to reassure the young boy that he won't suddenly touch him.

"Please stop moving, you need to calm yourself," Diland said softly, soothingly, much as he used to whenever Alexander fell into one of his delirious states when his tantrums would reach their peak as his mind broke down. It's this that helps Kim Lee Hyu's body relax, even if he didn't want it to. Even after so many years, it seems that he still listens to the man who once took care of him.

Kim Lee Hyu wonders if this is because he kept thinking about his family, that his punisher chose the person he held to most regrets over. It's an obvious choice, Diland's death scarred him for life, made him scared to love again. Made it so hard for him to get close to his family way back when. Made him scared he'd lose everyone he loved. To see him again, alive, breathing, it hurt so much. And although there was slight care and concern in those reddish-brown eyes, it wasn't his Diland.

The man in front of him was still too young, still not yet sure if Alexander could be saved. He hadn't spent nights in the boy's room, hugging the crying youth as he whispered love and encouragement into his ears. Hadn't helped him with his issues, almost made him realize how wrong he was treating everyone. This Diland hadn't reached the point of understanding, that his upbringing made him blind to how abusive he could get. How Alexander was cruel because he didn't know anything else.

This Diland didn't have any memories of the days he would make Alexander sweets to cheer him up after a particularly long and bad day. This wasn't his Diland, his hair was still shorter than the length Kim Lee Hyu had gotten used to. The hair that the older man grew out so that Alexander could play with it. Became someone who was scorned for being the loyal dog of the cruel prince.

Sacrificed himself to save the abandoned prince.

This wasn't his dad.

A hysterical laugh nearly spilled from his lips, but they were kept shut. He couldn't even scream. Tears of frustration, of pain, of sorrow, fell from his small face blurring his sight as he felt something in him crack. If anyone was concerned, Kim Lee Hyu didn't care. He could only feel cold settle in. The fire was dimmer at that time, as the frost began to eat away his bones, getting closer and closer to his lungs.

To his heart.

But he still didn't die, even when his organs were failing him, he still didn't die. Kim Lee Hyu could only feel pain in his heart. Could only feel it twist as the mockery of his father figure stood before him. This was truly hell.

He didn't care that he was crying anymore, he didn't care. Not when it didn't matter anymore. His tears, his begging, meant nothing. With the last bit of his strength, he tried to curl up, only for warm hands to stop him. The white-haired boy flinched as if he was burned, as teary, fearful green eyes stared into Diland's. Now that he could see him, a complicated expression was shown on the older man's face

Something dark flashed in those reddish-brown eyes, not that Kim Lee Hyu, who was far too out of it, noticed. The other healers and priest tried to get closer to the boy, sensing something wrong in him, but that only seemed to trigger him.

With the remaining amount of mana he had left, Kim Lee Hyu scattered away from them, getting closer to the other side of the bed. Away from his tormentors.

Kim Lee Hyu flinched as his thoughts caught up to him, he shouldn't have done that. His punisher must be mad at him, so mad that he dared to defy the punishment he deserved. Green eyes stayed down, remembering how torturers often prefer more defiant victims to harm.

'It makes breaking them so much more fun!~' he could remember a demented voice telling him before, during war times.

If he was obedient, maybe they'll get bored of him enough that he could kill them. Or maybe they like the obedient type and let him speak to the God who owned this place. Perhaps even letting him say his last goodbyes to his family, to his loved ones. Maybe they'll listen to him. He didn't have to fake any trembling, his body was already trembling from the pain (pain, pain, pain, pleASE MAKE IT STOP-). Kim Lee Hyu looked down, letting his head bow as he tried to look as obedient as possible.

(Don't look at him, don't look at him- you'll break down if you look at him again- ignore it, ignore it, ignore it-)

"I-I'm s-sorry" he stuttered out, his voice cracking from the not being used. Just thirteen days of not speaking, and his voice was already this fucked up? Whatever, at least it made him seem more pathetic.

"I-I won't m-move, I p-promise" he begged again, still not looking up.

"P-please, I p-promise I'll l-let you h-hurt me, I'll be o-obedient I swear" Kim Lee Hyu was sure that with this, he either disgusted his torturer or managed to make them pleased. Either way, it might just help him escape long enough to contact his family. The boy knows he makes a pitiful sight, with his tears streaming down his tiny face, while his body trembled as he desperately tried to stay still. But he knows he needed to look more desperate, more obedient. He closed his green eyes so that he could hide his iron will.

'Remember Leehyu, never let them see your eyes' his friend, and torture expert told him once upon a time. Dark orange eyes stared into shining green eyes, as confusion danced in the younger one's eyes.

They were seated on the floor, staying hidden in a safe area, somewhere the monsters dared not to touch. A holy place that burned those vile creatures. It was a good thing they found it too, Kim Lee Hyu doesn't think he could have made it if they didn't

'Hu?' was the Korean's only reply, confusion going through his veins. His friend gave him a look, already guessing what the black-haired male was asking through expression alone. The taller man sighed pushing his short but thick hair back before explaining.

'Torturers enjoy defiant people. They take the longest to break, but it's what makes it all the more satisfying to see their broken expression' the orange-eyed man started.

'Eyes are the window to the soul and it just so happened to be that your eyes held the most will I've seen in a very long time' he said with an amused chuckle. Kim Lee Hyu pouted at that, as the other chuckled.

'I live to spite everyone' Kim Lee Hyu replied as his friend laughed, reaching over to pat-

Don't think about that right now. He had to focus.

(He can't break down again)

Kim Lee Hyu wasn't sure he was thinking straight, but he didn't care all too much. Right now he had to be pathetic to trick the enemy. He still couldn't help the flinch when he felt warm hands reach out to touch him. The hands stilled, and he forced his body to relax. It isn't good to let them think he was being disobedient. The hands moved, pulling him closer as Kim Lee Hyu prepared himself.

His mind was going haywire, tense as it prepared to take in any attack given to him. Since he was in punishment, it would only be right if he was punished.

Soft, warm (so warm, warm- why does he feel so cold-) and gentle hands laid him on his bed, making sure to be slow as if it was taking care of a frightened animal. It wasn't wrong, he is an animal after all, a savage little monster even after all these years. Kim Lee Hyu peeked his eyes slightly open, only to see Diland.

Warm, concerned reddish-brown eyes stared at him, face showing fear not of him, but for himself. Kim Lee Hyu could only look away. At that moment, this Diland looked too much like his dad.

"Young master..." he could hear the older man mumble. He sounded worried, it wasn't good. Kim Lee Hyu had to remember this was all an illusion, his dad is dead, he isn't here right now. He died and isn't coming back. There's no way he's coming back, his soul had already left to be reborn. That's what those bastards told him when he first reincarnated.

Kim Lee Hyu looked at the healers instead, just to see their saddened, pity-filled, faces. A small amount of confusion filled his body but chalked it up to him reading them wrong. After all, even in an illusion, not a single person here would look at this monster with pity. Or perhaps this was a mocking tactic like he first thought.

Either way, he couldn't help but look away. Warm hands gently touched his forehead, causing him to turn his eyes back to Diland, with the imposter's stupidly accurate kind eyes. A softness was in them, regrets, self-blame, and sadness. Even after so many years, Diland's eyes were still as expressive as they had been.

"Are you feeling better now, your highness?" The reddish-brown-eyed man asked gently, a bit of pity in his tone. Kim Lee Hyu hated it. Nonetheless, he nodded his head, being complacent with the imposter.

"Sleep for now young master, your body needs rest," his soothing voice told him. Hands gently petting his hair.

Now that he thinks about it, it didn't feel as sticky, or heavy as it had prior to passing out. Like it's been washed like he's been washed. Without his mind panicking, he could assess his mana, and most importantly, his stomach. It strangely didn't hurt like it usually does. Odd.

"Rest, your highness. Nobody shall harm you, I swear upon the Great Goddess of Protection" Diland said. His voice sounded nice, even for a fake. It was comforting as it was heartbreaking.

Kim Lee Hyu couldn't resist nuzzling closer to the hand petting him, a small pleased smile as the bigger hands continue to pet him in soothing motions. It made him feel nice, warm, and oddly enough, safe. Like he was still at home and that this was all a bad dream. That Jin Lee-hyung was petting him, playing with his hair, as the younger man rested after a tough battle.

He closed his eyes in contentment, his mind drifting away to slumber.

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Hello hello! I'm still not free from being grounded, but I managed to finish this chapter between breaks at school!! Mostly because I was bored and we had 2 hours of waiting time for our next class ;-;

Anyways, I'd like to thank Ren for the wonderful help. They really came in clutch with this chapter. I'm bad at writing conversations, guess where I got it from. Hint, it's from the person I beta read before.

Jokes aside, I really don't know if I can update again. But I try because honestly this has been pretty fun :D