PUBLISHED 03/01/18
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While the eating disorder may have started  before freshman year, I hadn't honestly noticed how bad it was until a couple months ago. The lunch table I sit at is always full of people so hardly anyone paid enough attention to one person for something like that to be noticed. Lately though, a few people had said something about it.

"Where's your lunch? Do you need some of mine?"

"I feel like you never actually eat"

"Lunch is my fave part of the day so I have literally no idea how you don't eat"

Lunch is my least favorite part of the day though. It's loud, it involves food, and the people in it are extra annoying at this time. Who could possibly enjoy that? Before I knew it, there were times I'd buy a bag of chips just so people wouldn't try and talk to me about my eating habits. Of course it never got eaten, but it halted the awkward situations for both sides. I knew then that it was getting bad. Maybe it's been this bad the entire time, I don't know, I just know that it finally came to my attention. Worst part of it was that I'm fine with it, I don't really care all that much at this point.

Even when people started asking me about it or mentioning my eating habits to me at lunch, there was never anything else to it. Little comments here and there, nothing more. That's the way I liked it. These were mainly people I've known since first grade, they didn't need to be up in my personal business. Newer people especially didn't need to be.

Walking to third hour I can just feel eyes on me. While that's somewhat normal seeing as I am one of the popular people, it feels off. Stopping at the water fountain to refill my bottle I casually look around. It had felt like there were eyes literally inches away from me staring, yet no one seems to be paying me any special attention. Before I know it I realize my bottle has been overflowing, already full. Still feeling eyes on me, I screw the bottle on and continue my walk to class. As I turn though, I know exactly why I felt those eyes. Rylie Salander.
                                    ——
The frisbee glides through the air so effortlessly, a free bird in a caged world. She's the athletic one, so of course she catches every throw possible. Then there's me, I'm an average weight but couldn't be athletic if I tried. Every time she tosses the frisbee my way, my hands are jello and covered in butter. I think I catch it a total of three times. If even that many.

"Wanna go out for burgers later?" The question was extremely basic yet the answer was extremely complex. My stomach wanted to say yes yet my mouth wanted to say no and I couldn't explain why. My meals have gotten smaller lately no matter how hungry I may be. Excuses to not eat happen naturally even if in reality I want to scream my head off until someone shoved some food down my mouth.
"I left my wallet at home but I'll go with you so you can grab something," it's an honest statement but I know that to Rylie, it isn't the right answer. Her lip turns up in disagreement and I can tell she's about to offer to pay for me. In which case I'll just end up declining for the umpteenth time this summer.
Suddenly though, she's raised her voice, "you need to eat."

Trying to remain calm I reply, "I'll eat at home, you know I hate having you pay for me."

Almost yelling at me she explains, "you know I don't mind. What's going on Ann? We used to binge out on pizza while marathoning Gilmore Girls almost every weekend and now I barely see you. In the few times that I do, you never eat with me"

She makes a good point. We have barely hung out this summer. This is my best friend and yet it feels like we have no idea what's going on in each other's lives. It doesn't even just feel like that, it's true, that's one hundred percent the case. Maybe we aren't even really friends anymore.

"I'm sorry Rylie, I am. You're in volleyball and I'm working and stuff. Don't try to blame it on me that we never hang out when you're most of the reason. I have enough people on my case about food, I don't need the person I see maybe monthly joining in"
I feel the tears coming. I run home.
                                     ——
It's been three and a half years since our fallout, yet I'll never forget our friendship. Walking into third hour I feel the wave of sadness that comes over me when bad memories get remembered. Rylie was the first person to notice that I was eating less. It made sense for to be her seeing as she was my best friend at times. Even if we'd barely talked since that summer, we still saw a lot of each other. Same lunch table, same classes, same neighborhood. It's hard to avoid someone that by force is always close to you. Speak of the devil, she sits in the desk next to me right as the bell rings and for a second I'm confused. Right, we have classes together. Of course this just so happens to be one.
"Ann" she mumbles. I can tell that somethings going on, yet I don't know if I want to find out what it is.
"Yeah Rye, you need something?" I'm reluctant but know enough to just get it over with.
She stutters out, "I-I'm... I'm sorry"
Confused, I simply ask, "for what?"
Her eyes are clearly watery and she turns her head away. I'm honestly lost in what's going on yet she isn't answering my question. Nor is she looking at me. After a minute or two she wipes her eyes, looks up at the light, and looks down. As much as I want to know the answer, I know there's something going on in her life that I've lost my right to ask about. Rylie doesn't just get emotional during class. Definitely not over something she'd be saying to me at this point. Before she has time to answer though, class starts. I turn towards the front, away from her, waiting in anticipation.
After about ten minutes of lecture and notes, an office worker walks in holding a few slips of paper. Giving us a break from class, I look over at Rylie. In the past ten minutes I can tell she's been looking over at me every few seconds. I notice a piece of notebook paper that she's gotten out on her desk and seems to be writing a lot on. We have printed out, fill in the blank style notes, so I find that a little odd but try to not question it. Soon though, there's another paper on her desk. She lets out a loud, sad sounding sigh and begins packing her things. As she begins to walk out, that slip of notebook paper lands on my desk. It's obviously not a happy love note so I slide it into my bag to read later.

After class I rush to the bathroom to read Rylie's note. It's free period, I have thirty minutes to see what it says and recollect myself as needed.

"Dear Ann,
I'm sorry. For everything that happened between us and for what I'm about to say. You still don't eat lunch. Don't fool yourself thinking that no ones really noticed. We have. Maybe you don't care about us and in all honesty that feeling might be mutual in some cases, but I do care about you. I'm sure you'll find that surprising but it's true. Please just eat. Eat or get help, for all the people worrying about you. I need you to eat because right now, I need you. We've barely spoke a word to each other since summer of freshman year and a lots happened since then. We're both popular but I know neither of us really got close with anyone since our loss of the other so I want you in my life again. Maybe it's selfish but mainly because I can't handle what's going on right now. Remember my dad and how he seemed to get sick either really badly or really often? It's gotten worse. He might be dying...
I miss you,
Rye"

Wait, what?
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UPDATE WILL BE OUT 03/08/18