I breathed in painfully.
I slowly put the binder on, looser this time. I wanted to put it tighter again, would having it tighter make my boobs not grow so fast? I wondered but shook the thought away, I was in too much pain to do much more. I stared at myself in the large mirror.
My binder wasn't showing, the girls hadn't seen it... instead they had seen my baggy shirt that was sticking out of my school jumper. It was slightly faded from use so that's what they had been laughing about. I blushed in embarrassment. Something that made me feel good could also make me feel like crap... who'd have thought?

The bell rang. I couldn't miss another lesson, not now the RE teacher had spotted me. Besides, Jessica wasn't in this class... I'd be safe.
Safe from Jessica but not safe from boredom that is. The maths teacher droned on about a problem that I would never use in my life: trigonometry. I tried to pay attention but my vision became faded, I felt hot flushes take over my body, my ribs ached and it was hard to breath.
I looked around the room, it spun. Sounds were amplified but I couldn't make out what was being said.
"Becky!" Mr. Pool snapped as I stood up. I had to get out of the classroom. "Back to your seat!"
"But-" I began, the words hurt all the way up from my lungs to my lips. The world seemed like nothing as everything went dark.

~

I awoke in a bed. Not my bed. It was white, and had a monitor next to it but the monitor wasn't switched on. There was a curtain pulled around me and my dad was sat on the singular chair, clinging to my hand.
"Dad?" I croaked, my throat felt dry.
"Beck!" He sounded relieved.
"Where are we?" I asked, even though it was obvious. I still felt a bit disorientated.
"Hospital." He paused. "The school nurse tried to wake you but nothing worked. I was so worried."
"I'm fine, dad," I told him even though I didnt feel fine - far from it.
"What happened?" He asked, he tried to keep his voice neutral but it shook at the edges. I opened my mouth to speak but couldn't think of any excuse, I didn't want to lie to him.
"Miss. Howell?" Just in time a doctor walked in. She shut the curtains behind herself and smiled down at me with the signature smile that doctors have.
"Yeah?"
"How are you feeling?" She questioned. I shimmied up the bed so I was sat upright... at least I tried to. Pain struck my ribs again and I cried out, gripping them although it did nothing to help.
"Okay, okay," the doctor gently helped me upright.
"My ribs really hurt," I cried out.
"Let me help you get some layers off and we can examine you," she said nicely as she began to carefully remove my blazer.
"Ow," I complained. She got to just my t-shirt, I couldn't help but think my bandage was showing.
"Pop your top up a bit, love," she told me.
With shaky fingers I lifted my shirt up slightly so some skin was showing.
"I need a little bit more skin than that," the woman told me. I lifted it up further and her smile dropped when she saw the bandage wrapped around me.
"Becky?" My dad outburst in shock. "What happened?"
I stayed silent. How could I explain to my dad that I was trying to keep my already small chest flat? How would he ever understand? This isn't normal... I'm not normal.
"Would you like a word with me alone?" The doctor asked and held my hand, I nodded. "Mr. Howell would you mind giving Becky and I a second alone?"
I saw my dad about to argue but his eyes softened when he saw me.

"Do you want to take this off or are you hurt?" The doctor pointed towards my bandage.
"Yeah... I'm not injured," I spoke quietly and began to slowly unwrap the bandage despite the pain. I finally got it off and handed it over to the doctor. She examined it before putting it down on the table next to my bed.
"You're not the first one I've see with these on," she told me slowly and waited for my reaction.
"Really?"
"Really," she replied with a nod and a small sad smile. "Can I examine you a moment?"
I nodded and allowed the doctor to touch my ribs lightly. I felt pain tingle through them as her fingertips brushed against my skin.
"Just as I suspected, it's a fracture. It could've been worse." She sighed and turned serious. "Wrapping a bandage around your chest will stop your lungs expanding properly and that can cause a lot of damage. Would you like to tell me why you were wearing them?"
I sat in shock for a moment. I had expected her to ask me such a question but I hadn't had enough time to come up with an excuse. I didn't expect the question to come so soon. I had hoped she would brush it aside.
"I hate my chest..." I began but couldn't bring myself to add anything extra.
"Why would that be?"
"I-I," I stuttered but the doctor put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. She must've seen me shaking or my watery eyes.
"Beck, am I okay calling you that?" She asked me sweetly.
"...sure," I answered as to not push my luck although I wanted to see if someone would use the name only I called myself.
"Have you ever heard of transgender?"
"I'm not a tranny!" I outburst and cried out as my lungs pressed against my bruised ribs.
"No, love," the doctor tried to calm me down, "transgender is someone who was born one gender but actually identifies as the other. "
"Oh..." I went suddenly quiet.
"Does that sound like you? Do you feel like you may not be a girl?"
"I'm a boy," I mumbled. In my head I was a lot more confident than I sounded.
"I see." She nodded and was silent for a moment. "Do you have a preferred name?"
"... Dan."
"Okay, Dan," she began and my whole body felt light. "How about we talk to your dad about this and then we can set up an appointment with a gender therapist so you can talk about any worries you have and we can set you up with a doctor if you want to transition?"
"Okay..."
"I'll go get him," she told me and a moment after she'd left she returned with my dad.
"Beck?" He called out, his voice and face etched with worry.
"Dad... I, um need to tell you something."
"You can tell me anything, what's bothering you?"
"I... um... I'm not a girl..." I mumbled. Not sure how to say it, it's not everyday you go against your biology.
"What?" My dad knitted his eyebrows in confusion.
"I feel like a boy."
"Oh," my dad whispered. He sank into the chair slowly.
"Are... are you mad at me?" I replied, my voice just as quiet.
"Of course not! It's not your fault," he told me.
"The doctor told me about a few things." I bit my lip and glanced behind the curtains where the doctor was. She had given us privacy but now I wanted her back more than ever.
"I'll have a word with her before we leave so we know where to go from here. I'll help you out with whatever you want to do," my dad's voice was sincere although I could tell he was confused.
"Thanks, dad."
He reached out and squeezed my hand.

My dad did speak to the doctor and he didn't react as badly as I thought he would, he was just so relieved I wasn't hurt more. Ace bandages aren't just uncomfortable, they're also dangerous. I guess it was a mistake but it had pleasant consequences in the end if you think about it but I still would advise anyone against using them.
What had happened to me hadn't really sunk in, I was more relieved to find out I wasn't broken and there were people like me. The doctor even told me that her own son had come out to her and that was how she knew what I was going through.

~

A week later I still hadn't gone back to school. At home I lounged on the sofa. I was told to take resting periods whilst my ribs healed. Dad came home from work and sat down on the edge of the sofa so he was sat in front of me.
"Okay, Beck, I need to wrap my head around a few things."
"What's up, dad?"
"You're my son?" He said the last word slowly and with caution. It didn't seem like he was afraid of my reply but more afraid of using the wrong word.
"Son," I confirmed.
"I like the sound of that." He nodded softly and gave me a small side smile.
"I like that sound of that too, dad."
"Don't tell your mother but I secretly wanted a boy anyway." He winked and I couldn't help but chuckle. As soon as I smiled it was soon taken away as an awkward silence fell on us.
"Can you, maybe, call me Dan?" I asked suddenly before my brain could advise me against it.
"Dan?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Dan," he said instantly and reached into his work bag, "I have a present for you but you can't use it just yet." He passed me something wrapped in paper. Big bold lettering reading 'happy birthday' covered the paper.
"It's not my birthday?" I frowned but my dad just urged me to open it. So I did.
"I've been researching online and I thought this might be useful," he told me as the paper ripped away to reveal a bunch of textbooks. I looked up at my dad and back down at them.
"What is..." I began but I trailed off as I lost my words.
"You cant use them now since you need to rest," he informed me and barely even paused before running through information, "you can get T injections from the doctor in time but you're too young for that right now so if you want I'll take you to the doctors to get some puberty suppressants." I was about to ask him what the hell that had to do with the text books but he spoke quicker than I could respond. "Oh and I need to ask... How do you feel about being home schooled by a private tutor? Just until you have your hormones. I think the stress of people will be a bit too much for you at a time like this."
"Really dad?" I asked and slowly dropped the books into my lap so I could look at my dad.
"Really."
"That'd be amazing!"

I can't remember much about what happened after this, it was all a blur of appointments and counselling and snide doctors who asked me "Are you sure you're not a girl?" like I didn't know my own body. It was a lot of strain on my dad but it got his mind off my mum, sometimes I heard him cry at night and wondered if it was my fault but when he was around me he acted cheery. It wasn't until later I found out he had been crying because mum broke up with him. So, it was just dad and I in the end. Which wasn't too bad since, thanks to him, I was now Dan.