I looked at my short hair on the morning of the first day back. I still looked like a girl but what had I expected? A hair cut wasn't going to change much and I could almost see my chest beginning to grow... most girls would be excited about that but not me. I sighed and rubbed a hand through my hair in exasperation.
"Beck? Are you up?" My dad shouted me.
"Yeah!" I yelled back and shoved my arms into my blazer.

~

"Becky! What happened to your hair?" That was the first thing Jessica called out when I walked through the high school gates. The building suddenly looked less daunting when I saw her because she made me feel more anxious than any old building ever could. She didn't even say "hi" or "I haven't seen you in 6 whole weeks, how have you been?".
"I, um, had it cut," I said and messed with it self conciously, I had been doing that a lot. I tried to smooth it down again when I realised I was making it stand on edge.
"I can see that." She narrowed her eyes at it like she wasn't sure what to think but I quickly got her to drop her gaze by changing the subject to something that would get her attention... herself.
"What's new with you?"
"Not much, I got a new boyfriend but ya know there's not much more to say about him. Did you get a boyfriend, Becky?" Her eyes lit up.
"No... and my names Dan," I muttered, it was barely audible to my own ears but of course Jessica heard and she sighed as a response.
"Still? I thought you'd be over that by now."
"Be over it?" I crossed my arms over my ever growing chest.
"Come on, Becky, we know it's just a phase. In a couple of months, you'll be laughing about this." She tried to laugh but I just shot her with the coldest gaze I could muster. Although it was hard to do so when there were tears in my eyes.
"No I won't, I'm not Becky and I never will be." I hadn't realised how much I hated the name until she refused to call me anything other than that. I had such strong emotions but I didn't know why or what to do with them.
"Come on, I've known you for years and you've always been Becky... what's changed?"
"I- I don't know." I shrugged and looked at the ground. A leaf lay soaked and broken on the floor near me, I felt like I was the leaf. I felt broken and fragile.
"You're still a girl, right. You're not a tranny?" The word stung my ears. I was taught to never say things like that, it was a rude word.
"I'm - I'm not," I stuttered.
"Not a girl or not a tranny?" Jessica continued and shot daggers into me with her sharp eyes.
"Both... neither... I don't know." I only thought I was a girl because that's what society told me, that's what I had to be and I never questioned it... but now I was questioning it, a lot.
"You're such a weirdo, snap out of it."
"Snap out of what?" I stressed.
"This," she stressed back. "I'll take you shopping and we can get you a pretty dress." She grabbed her phone out her pocket and showed off a picture she had saved from the New Look website. It was a lacy dress that made me cringe just thinking about. I pushed her expensive phone away from me weakly.
"Oh yeah because a dress will make me a realise if I'm a girl or not."
"It won't make you a girl because you already are a girl!" Jessica yelled so loudly that a few of the older kids glanced our way, intrigued by the conversation.
"Jessica!" I hissed in a whisper, hoping she would become quiet too but nothing about Jessica was ever easy.
"Don't start, Becky! All my memories are of us, me and you as girls. I can't have a guy best friend, that's just weird."
Her words stung my ears again and wrapped my heart in a nettle like grasp. It tugged hard until my entire body was alive in pain.
"Fine," I got out through clenched teeth, "then don't have a guy best friend."
"Finally, so you're Becky again?" She asked, sighing in relief.
"No, I'm leaving. Talk to me when you can accept me... I needed you but not anymore." Then I left her. Standing in the yard of a new school. I felt just as lost in the new building as I did without my best friend by my side... but she wasn't my best friend anymore. Best friends are meant to accept you no matter what, not bail when things get hard.
I was worried about telling my dad about me but I never thought to be worried about how she would react... I hadn't been worried, not until the words left my mouth all those months ago. But I couldn't take back what I had said and I wasn't sure I wanted to.

AN:
I hope this is good but I'm tired since I actually went to the gym. Shocker, right? I'd 10/10 recommend it tho bc it's such a good stress relief ~
- Rach x