I was starting high school soon and I was really nervous. Jessica hadn't been calling me Dan but she hadn't been calling me Becky either, she had been avoiding my name entirely which made me feel anxious. Everyone in this new school would call me Becky and I couldn't really stop them. I wished I hadn't said anything to anyone but the more I thought about the name Dan, the more I knew I wanted people to call it me. Although I couldn't really understand why.
The older I got the more I grew to hate my body, especially when my chest began to hurt. I Googled it and every site I checked told me I was having growing pains which meant my chest would stop being flat. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I broke down into tears because it just wasn't right. A part of me thought it was a fear of change since things swiftly went downhill after mum left - that had been the biggest change in my life - but another part of me knew it was something more than that.

"What's wrong, Beck?" My dad asked me with a concerned face as I stabbed my mushy cornflakes with my spoon.
"I want to cut my hair," I told him.
"Okay." I put my spoon down and looked up at him, he was watching FRIENDs on TV and didn't seem all that fussed by what I had said.
"Like, really short." I continued, expecting him to question me.
"Whatever you want, I'll call up the hair dressers for you later."
"Thanks." I started stabbing my cornflakes again and sighed.
Dad hadn't been the same since mum stopped calling us. She texted me on my birthday but she doesn't call anymore, maybe that's why dad's letting me cut my hair. He'd probably let me dye it too if I asked him but I wasn't about to push my luck.

~ 

"What do you think?" The hairdresser held the mirror up behind me so I could see my hair properly. I could see the back of my neck in the mirror. Wisps of my hair fell half way down my neck.
I clutched some between my fists and nearly cried with joy, it looked amazing! I couldn't believe how right it was, it felt light and fluffy and I even had a fringe now. 
"I love it," I smiled.
Dad paid for the cut whilst I continued to stare at myself in the mirror. When we left I took one glance back at all my hair on the floor as it was being swept up. 
"So, now the hairdressers out of earshot," my dad began as we walked back to the car. "What do you really think?"
"I love it, dad. I really do." I could see a bright smile on my face from the reflection of the car window and admired my new hair one last time.
"Good." My dad nodding approvingly. "Let's go see what it looks like in a school uniform ay?" 
School. The word hung a sudden black cloud over my head. The euphoria of having my hair cut had been swept away by a simple utterance. I wasn't sure I was ready to go to school just yet, I needed another few years off to prepare myself for the dreaded world of high school life. I had heard a lot about it, I'd seen the high school drama for myself on TV. If it was that bad for a normal person than how hard would it be for a "girl" who dressed and acted like a boy? I'd be ridiculed. I needed to sort myself out before I could even begin to think about going into that dull, white building. High school is a time where you're meant to discover yourself but what if I discover something about myself that other people wouldn't understand? 
Home is my own personal bubble where I don't have to worry about anything but school is about to burst my bubble and force me to leave the safety of it in exchange for a world I didn't know properly.
I rubbed my hair self-consciously and wondered what my friends and dance teacher would think of it. I felt like I had made a massive mistake but I couldn't make it grow back. 

"Come on, Beck." Dad rushed me as he pulled up outside the school shop that would close in a little over an hour. 
He led me straight to the clothes and picked out shirts, trousers, shoes, a blazer, and a skirt. I wrinkled my nose up at the last item and dad noticed. 
"No skirt?"
"No, um, none of my friends wear them." I lied and dad arched an eyebrow. "They don't look right on me anyway, I'll stick with trousers."
"Whatever you want, sweetpea. Go try them on, quick." 
I thanked our late arrival because it meant dad would avoid an argument. Not that one would've arose anyway, he was being pretty chill about things lately. He rarely questioned my actions or what was going on in my life. I was glad but felt more closed up than ever because I had no one I could turn to. 
Jessica didn't understand. Dad was too lost in the world to get through to. Mum was too far away to even bother with. I was left all on my own to figure things out when I didn't even know what I was trying to figure out.