I was wide awake.
I turned over in the bed but his face wouldn't move from my mind. 
I turned back, kicked the heavy duvet off me and tried to take a breath. 
I was shaking yet I felt so hot, sweat dripped down my back and my palms were sweaty. 
I couldn't shake him out of my head. He was around every corner in my life. After dance class today I thought I saw him but when I did a double take I wondered how I'd even mistook the obviously older lad for Phil. When the day ended I had felt secure in my little dorm room, I thought I could pull the duvet over my head and just forget. 
I fell asleep not long after I came back in, dance was always tiring, but he was still there. In my mind but in a distorted dream-like way. I couldn't remember what my dream had been about but it left a shiver down my spine and made hot sweats drip down my skin. 

I thought about Phil some more but I was constantly stuck at a crossroads. I didn't know which Phil I should be thinking about.
You see, there was the Phil who liked me - funny, sweet, just happened to be led down the wrong path by the wrong people. 
Then there was the Phil who hurt me - a liar, a fake, a user. 
I loved one of those Phil's but I didn't know if I was loving the real one and I wasn't sure I would ever find out which one was the real one. 

I turned over again and gripped my pillow tightly. The digits on my bedside alarm threw a vivid red light across the room.
How could it be five am already? I wondered as I continued to stare at it until the numbers blurred and my eyes burned.
Eventually, I sighed and reached out to grab the alarm. I turned it around so the light receded but it just seemed to draw attention to the slight morning sunlight beginning to peak through the curtains. I shouldn't be wasting so much time on him, he didn't deserve it. There were other people who deserved it, other things in my life that needed my time. 

That thought was still vivid in my mind when I was woken up by a knock on the door. In my blurry eyed daze, I managed to unlock it and there stood Mason. Over the past week and a bit since being here, he's come to my room in the morning to walk with me to ballet class. He'd ask me if I wanted to hang out afterwards and I'd always tell him I was too busy. I don't think he believed me but that didn't stop him from trying. 
"So, you still busy today?" He asked me after I'd got ready and we'd walked out of the dorm blocks.  
Usually, he worded it differently. Before there had been a nice script we followed:
"Would you like to go someplace after dance?"
"Can't, I've got stuff to do."  
"Stuff?"
"Stuff."
I felt like he was more distant today. He realised the script was flawed and maybe he thought it was his fault for that. Maybe that was why I changed the script too. Maybe there was another reason. Maybe it was the thought that was still circling my subconscious since the night before - other people deserved my time. 
"No, I'm free today," I told him and tried to smile a little.  
Maybe that was it, maybe I could be free. 
"Awesome!" Mason fist bumped the air like a little kid and I couldn't help but laugh at him. He was actually pretty cute. 
"Phil is cute too, though," my mind spoke up.
Then again, maybe being free of Phil wouldn't come so easily. 

Mason stared at me for most of the ballet lesson. I loved the attention but I also hated it so much. I hated that he looked at me like I was the greatest thing to have ever graced the sheet vinyl flooring of the studio. I wanted to tell him to stop. I wanted to yell or cry or both because I wasn't the greatest, I was the worst. I felt like I was using him to forget Phil and he deserved much better than that. He deserved to come first because he was such a sweet guy. I don't know what I hated myself most for: giving Mason the hope that we could be together or giving myself the hope that I could even be with him. I had too much baggage and a carry on of trust issues that I dragged along everywhere with me. 

"Where would my fair prince like to go on this terribly shit afternoon?" Mason asked as he grabbed hold of my hand. We stared out at the rain as it threw droplets against the ground. 
"You're the one who asked me out," I reminded him. My mind was going blank as all my attention was on the softness of Mason's hands and how they felt compared to Phils. Phil was a lot gentler when he held my hand like he was afraid of how fragile I was, Mason held it like there was a whole new meaning and purpose to it which I couldn't quite figure out. 
"I was trying to be a gentleman and let my date choose," Mason whined and I would've laughed if he hadn't said that word. Date. 
"Well... um... I want you to pick somewhere," I replied sheepishly. I wondered if I should've tried flirting but it didn't feel quite right. It felt like I was cheating on Phil even though I knew I wasn't.
"Oooh!" Mason suddenly outburst and let go of my hand. I was confused at first until he stood in front of me and pulled my hood up so my hair wouldn't get wet. "I know this perfect little bakery in town." 
"Let's go," I said but I didn't really need to since he was already pulling me along before I had finished the second word. 
"I'm sure you're going to love it! They have this whole entire menu-"
I zoned out. I just focused on his facial expressions and the rise and fall of his voice as he spoke. None of the words really got past the wall I had begun constructing around me after Phil happened.  

"Sorry, I've been talking a lot haven't I?" Mason blushed after ten minutes of walking. I had only been able to get in a few one-word replies but I didn't mind. I liked hearing him talk, it was better than silence. 
"No, it's fine," I told him. 
"Oh, we're here." Mason suddenly stopped walking and looked up at the sign. 
"Little lions bakery," I read out. "Cute name." 
"I know right! And they do the cutest cupcakes, you just have to try one," he pushed the door open and held it out for me. He was right when he called himself a gentleman. 
The room was cosy. There was the smell of coffee and chocolate lingering in the air and I felt my stomach go hungry just from the scent. I knew I was going to like them already.
A bubbly older lady came over to us, an award-winning smile on her face.
"Over here, sweetpeas. I've just finished cleaning up this table, you'll be able to see your handsome faces in it," she said and began to welcome some other teenagers who had walked through the door.
I sat down at the table she pointed to and Mason sat opposite. 
"This is such a lovely place," Mason leant forward to get closer as he talked. He held the same bubbly smile as the lady who welcomed us.  
"I know right, it's definitely lived up to the hype," I said.
"What cupcake would you like?"
I glanced at the array of pictures dotted around and spotted the perfect one. I turned to Mason with obvious excitement.
"Malteaser!" I burst out. "I can't believe they do Malteaser!"
"Fan?" He teased. (AN: I interrupt this date to bring you a pun: he MALteased ;)) 
"How did you know?" I said in a sarcastic tone and rolled my eyes but the effect I wanted was lost by the big smile still evident on my face. "How much are they anyway?"
"Don't worry. I got this," he stood up and got his wallet out before I had a chance to stop him.

"Thanks," I said as he bought the cupcake back whilst juggling two cups in his other hand.
It looked like he had bought us some hot drinks too but when he put down the cupcake I was completely absorbed by it. It had a honeycomb drizzle around the cream cheese icing and was decorated with Malteaser's (both crushed up and whole ones). It looked more delicious than I thought it would!
"It was my pleasure," he replied.
"Can I give you some money towards it?" I asked feeling a little guilty as I picked up a Malteaser from the cake.
"Honestly, it's fine. That smile is payment enough," he told me and I felt heat rise up my neck.
I looked down at the cake, I still felt like I was cheating on Phil. I took a sip of the drink Mason had bought just to stop any conversation for a second. I was happy when I found it was just a hot chocolate. I couldn't help but think back to the 'date' Phil and I had had in Starbucks a lifetime ago. If Mason would've bought me a Caramel Mac I would've broken down right there in the bakery. That was the drink Phil had got me. I couldn't think of the drink in any other way. The more I thought about that day, the more I realised Phil and I had never actually had a formal date together. I guess he didn't like me enough to be seen in couply places with me...
I looked up at Mason who was looking at me with a sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face.
"What?" I asked and blushed.
"Nothing," he laughed it off and took a sip of his own drink.
I knew I should just try and enjoy this date. I didn't know when I'd get another chance to do so again.
Even so, Mason was laughing with me and flirting and doing everything that a date was supposed to have (besides any actual physical contact, we didn't hold hands or even accidently bump hands as we reached for our drinks). I tried to talk back just as enthusiastically; I smiled and nodded along, offering some replies, but it still felt... wrong. I think that was the right word, it was the only one I could think of. It just didn't feel right. Like I should be here with Phil. Maybe because of how we broke up; there was more I'd wanted to say and I'd left with such a big load of shit hanging over my head. It was too late to change that. I was living in the past even though I knew I couldn't go back.

"Are you okay?" Mason asked after we'd finished our food and drinks.
"Yeah... I'm having a really good time," I told him and attempted a smile.
I was having a good time, I just felt like I shouldn't be.

"But?" He urged.
"But," I continued. "I recently came out of a pretty bad relationship and I'm not sure how I feel about all this. Ya know, starting again. I feel like I'm leaving him behind too quickly."
"I completely understand, my ex was a dick too... It took me a while to get over him."
"Yeah but I bet your ex didn't only date you for a bet... I loved all his lies," I hadn't meant to say it but it felt good to have it all out. Until I realised I was still loving everything he told me and couldn't help but hope they weren't fake. 
"Sounds like a pretty fucked up guy," he said in distaste.
"He kinda is..." But so am I.
"I'm sorry about all that. Look, us going on a date wasn't a legally bound obligation for us to be together. I enjoyed hanging out with you and I hope we can do it again soon. In a non-date way if that makes you feel better," he offered.
"It does," I told him. "You're such a great guy. I hate that our time of meeting was just off."
"Maybe in another life, we'll be together."
"Maybe in another life," I agreed. 

AN: Okay so I actually hadn't planned to make a full chapter with Dan and Mason but I decided to because Mason is adorable and Dan's feelings needed to be a little bit more developed. 
- Rach x