I sat down in the library at break. I knew Phil wouldn't be here and I doubted he would even look for me... he didn't really seem to care that much about me today. Maybe he was going through some stuff. Who knows. I mean, how much do I really know Phil anyway? His personality is so different to how it was when I first met him but it could all be fake. I hoped it wasn't. Phil was so sweet to me now. He was loving and kind and he's been there for me in times of need. Except for this time. Maybe I'm just too needy and he needs a bit of a break, I can understand that. I know I have a lot going on in my life and I can't just unload everything onto Phil and believe he can take it all. He's just one person. 
I sighed and rifled through my backpack in search for the dance post I'd gotten. I saw the matte finish booklet poking out of the inner pocket and lifted it out carefully. This was something I had to figure out on my own. The paper felt heavy in my hand although it barely weighed anything at all. There were few pages inside but as I flicked through it I could see they were filled with pictures and text. Not so much that it looked overcrowded but somehow it managed to look professional - high-end London fashion for you. 

These were the same pages I had seen last night but for some reason, the place looked a lot more stunning. Maybe I was just seeing it differently because I felt differently about here. I hated how Phil could mess up my feelings just by his actions.  I tried to rid my mind of him and just focussed on the large, white building that was showing on the front cover. They didn't use the word "royal" in the school's name for no reason. It truly was something grand and I couldn't help but compare it to the shabby little building I went to every week. I flicked through the book and mentally compared the images to the ones I have of Miss. Chic's dance studio. It looks so much bigger and cleaner. They have a separate space for the stage where performances are and even have their own little theatre connections in the centre of London. I see images of famous ballet dancers teaching. I've never been taught by anyone other than Miss. Chic. She's an amazing teacher but being able to be taught by someone like that would be a chance of a lifetime.
The thing I focused a lot on was that there was a mixture of boys and girls on the course. A gym that both could use. Neither gender was placed on top of the other, they were both treated equally which led me to believe that maybe they'd treat me the same as the other boys. Miss. Chic did, mostly, but sometimes I feel like she still sees me as a little girl. It's hard to be around someone who knew you before you came out. They know there's a past name and the past life that comes along with it and as much as you try they won't forget that. I'm lucky I started puberty blockers when I did because it meant that I could blend in easier now but it still wasn't the same as being a cis boy.  To me, I've always been Dan. This me is me. To others, I've been half Dan and half the name I was born. 
I flicked through the last page. This had everything that I needed to know about the non-dancing part of the course. After GCSE's, I can learn A-levels there just like I would do if I stayed. My education wouldn't falter, and they even have worldly connections. It could be the starting point to my life, so why do I feel like I'd be giving my actual life by taking it up? I'd finally settled here and gotten good friends, a boyfriend, and a loving dad. Did I really need to up and move to London?

"Yoink!" I jumped as the paper was tugged out of my hand.
"Hey!" I outburst and tried to grab it back but the mystery thief was too fast. 
"There you are," I heard PJ's voice before I saw him emerge from behind a bookcase. 
I turned around to see Chris holding the booklet in both hands. 
"We provide our students with a carefully structured two year training programme followed by a third year pre-professional programme..." Chris began to read in a posh voice and then trailed off. 
PJ grabbed the booklet off him. 
"What is this?" 
"Nothing!" I grabbed it back. "It's- it's nothing." I smoothed the paper out but there was still a crease slicing the building in half. 
"It didn't look like nothing," PJ pressed and raised an eyebrow. "It looks like something about a dance school." 
"Yeah," Chris agreed and grabbed the chair next to me. He flattened his fringe down across his forehead and stared me down. 
"What are you doing here?" I asked. 
"We were looking for you," PJ replied and took the chair on the other side of me. 
"We were worried when our little guy didn't show up," Chris added. 
"You're making me sound like your love child," I scoffed and tried to shove the booklet into my bag whilst the topic switch stayed. It didn't work. 
"Hey hey hey!" Chris outburst and pointed at me. "I see what you're doing." 
I put my now free hands in the air innocently. 
"Dan, just tell us what that booklet is all about. We won't be mad or anything."
"You can tell us anything man," Chris tried to settle me but it didn't really make me feel any better. 
"I know. I know." 
"Then just talk to us, you're worrying me."
"Worrying us," Chris interjected.  
"It's just some stupid dance scholarship my mum showed me," I tried to speak about it like I wasn't interested at all. "It's full time so I wouldn't be... here anymore if I went," I said the last bit slowly. 
"That's not too bad," Chris said. "We can go to your house still. I mean it's only school and if it's what you want to do then-"
"It's in London," I cut him off. 
"Oh," Chris mumbled and pushed himself down into the chair. 
"And are you going to go?" PJ asked me. He was sitting more forward.
Looking at them, they were two opposites. Everything they reacted to they had different ways of dealing with it. PJ was more to the point and composed. Chris was overdramatic and emotional. Both put together make a great team but not one you want to be on the other end of the interrogation of. 
"I don't know," I said truthfully. 
"What about you and loverboy!?" Chris asked.  
Loverboy isn't all he seems. I held my head in my hands and shook it. 
"I don't know..."
"Have you told him?" PJ asked me. 
"Yeah," I scoffed and threw my back into the chair. "And he didn't care! He just told me it was a great opportunity and then he walked off to class like it was nothing."
"Maybe it just shocked him," PJ suggested and placed a hand on my shoulder. I hadn't thought of that.
"Could be it. It just I thought maybe he'd want me to stay," I admitted. It sounded a bit selfish to have wanted him to be upset at the thought of me leaving but he just hadn't and it hurt to think I wasn't worth missing. 
"Well, we want you to stay," Chris placed a hand on my other shoulder and, as comforting as they were trying to be, it felt a bit suffocating. I smiled at them even so and they let go. 
"Is this something you want to do?" PJ questioned. 
"No. Yes. Maybe," I replied.
"Take all the time you need, okay?"
"Yeah. If something makes your little heart happy follow it," Chris poked the left side of my chest.  
"We'll be by your side no matter what happens," PJ told me sincerely. 
"You won't get rid of us that easy!" Chris outburst and practically tackled me into a hug. 
I tried not to laugh but Chris had a way of making everything better. I chuckled as his nose snuggled into my neck and tried to knock him off me. I looked to PJ for help but he just watched with an amused look on his face. 
I would miss these people so much.
Now I was questioning everything all over again. 

AN: 
Heyo! This is the first time I've written anything in over a week and I've really missed typing stuff up wow. Usually, I do little bits of writing every day (even if not for this story) so it's been weird not doing anything at all but I've been super busy doing assessments (and sleeping... a lot of sleeping). 
The school above is based off one I found whilst Googling - it actually fit really well with what I wanted. Also, it's half term so I hope y'all  have a good time off and relax! (Side question: Why do I say y'all when I'm British? The word has somehow made its way into my vocabulary and I like it oops). 
- Rach x