Body check: 06/09
- Boobs: No change
- Period: Still not here. It shouldn't come but you never know... I'm still anxious I'll suddenly start bleeding.
- Voice: Better but still sound like I've been kicked in my non existent ball sack. App training could be better
- Figure: No curves. I look straighter than I am.
- Hair: short but beginning to curl upwards. Hair cut needed.
- Facial hair: Nada.
Conclusion: Doing good but need to go on T!

It's been two years since I left school and went to be home schooled with my dad.  Since then I've been on hormone blockers known as GnRH analogues. All it took was a painfully long assessment to make sure it wasn't a phase. Well,  they didn't use that phrase exactly but I got the message.
My doctors felt the need to constantly remind me I could stop taking them anytime I wanted if I felt like a girl but I doubted that would happen. The hormone blockers were the only thing that stopped me suffering from the psychological agony of going through female puberty and I thanked them for making me feel a little normal. Even if I couldn't go on T-injections yet I was hopeful for the future.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't look like a guy but I didn't look like a girl either. I reminded myself of Haruhi from the anime Ouran because I was passing as a guy but it would be only a matter of time before all the light bulbs clicked in people's brains and they realised I had a female body. The only difference being is that I'm actually a guy whilst Haruhi is a girl.  I had been training my voice all summer to sound lower in order to fit in as a guy. I was only going back to school because I needed to do my GCSEs and, to my dad, options year was the best time to go back into school. To me, there was no best time to go back to school.

"Ready, Dan?" My dad asked me and I took my eyes away from the mirror. I nodded although I didn't feel ready at all. My dad smiled at me sympathetically. I could tell he was worried about me and how people would view me. I was a boy. He knew that (after some adjustments - you wouldn't believe that amount of times he slipped over the past couple years.), I knew that, but would other people? "You shouldn't be so nervous, you'll be back home in a few hours."
But a lot of stuff can happen in those hours, I wanted to tell him but kept the thought to myself. He had a lot on his mind without having to deal with me.
He ruffled my hair and sighed slightly before walking outside into the cold morning. I stood in the house for a second, trying to psych myself up for the journey, I gripped my new school bag so tightly I could feel my fingernails through the material. It would only be for a little while. 

As I was thinking about this, dad was sitting patiently in the car. A thought crossed my mind to feign illness but it was too late for that so I walked to the door and locked up. The key locking the door reminded me of the saying 'When one door closes, another one opens.' I couldn't help but think that maybe the new door that I would be opening would not be a pleasant one. I was leaving the safety that I'd known for so long in exchange for something completely new. I had to remind myself that I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing it for my dad! 
"I didn't think you were coming," my dad said as he kicked the car in. 
"Um, no, I was just making sure I had my entrance forms," I replied and gave him my best fake smile hoping he would believe me. He didn't say anything more as we drove out of our driveway and towards the building I had been actively avoiding since that day in Maths class. 

"Are you going to be okay?" My dad asked as I was faced with the building. It looked bigger than the last time I had come but I knew that was not the case. It filled me with fear, I touched my ribs and remembered the pain. It was fresh in my brain like it had just happened. I watched two rain drops chase each other down the window, the wipers washed them away before they made it to the bottom.  "Dan? Are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, yeah," I finally responded but I didn't turn to look at him. I couldn't keep my eyes away from the school. Students were piling in, late but not caring. Some looked my way, some didn't.
Every time someone looked at me it felt like they were staring into me, judging me. I felt like they knew about what I was trying so hard to keep hidden. I was wearing a tie which only the boys are allowed to wear, what if people questioned why I had one on? 
"Do you want me to come in with you?"
"No thanks." I would look weird anyway without being escorted by a parent.
I felt myself shaking but managed to contain it and step out of the car. My legs felt like they had turned to liquid but I managed to stay standing, although not standing tall as my head slumped towards the ground so I was staring at the path rather than at the door of the reception. I was glad it was raining because at least no one would think it was weird that I was going out of my way to hide my face. 

"Hi-hi," I told the receptionist who looked at me from behind her thick glasses. "I'm a new student." I passed her my forms.
"Name?" She asked. She looked bored as she poised her fingers over the keyboard. 
"Daniel Howell," I mumbled and the women suddenly jumped up. 
"Oh! Dan, yes yes we know all about your arrival."
I suddenly wanted to disappear right out of the women's presence.  I preferred her when she looked miserable.
"Everything has been sorted out for you and your teachers are um," she lowered her voice, "aware of your situation."
"Thanks," I muttered and allowed her to sign me in.
"It's break time now but you'll see your lessons on this timetable." She handed me a piece of paper. "Any problems, and I mean any, then go to a member of staff immediately."
"I will do," I told her. 

I sighed when I left. She treated me differently and that was exactly what I was afraid of. 
 

An:
We will see Phil in the next chapter! Along with other YouTubers, guess which two Dan will become friends with...
~ Rach x