12th September, 2015

"Mom! Leave me alone! What are you doing!?" I watch my mother burn all my short skirts and clothes. She's always been obsessed with covering my skin to the extent I wasn't even allowed to show my hands to others. Her reason being...

"You're going to roam around the whole town wearing that thing? Are you a whore?" Her words break me.

"Mom... I'm your own daughter." I argue, having no energy left in me as tears trickle down my cheeks. I couldn't even wipe them from my face, it was torturous to see how they treated me and still treat me like a scum on their familial tradition.

I'm not opposing, but why do my cousins who come from the same family get to wear clothes that I cannot? They are bought jewelry from across nations by their relatives, even my own mother buys them pretty stuff but... when it comes to me, I'm given the vast size of clothes possible and thrown under a strict diet always.

Can't they ever understand me? I cannot lose weight. I simply cannot. My body's metabolism will give up on me once I lose a few pounds.

People never understand. It's always all about them.

Shaking my head, I go back to my room where she scattered all the remaining large sized clothes on the floor. The room looks rabid, even more so for me because I'm reminded of my mother's heinous acts. This is my everyday routine to cry over the things she blames me for.

Blaming me for being fat.
Blaming me for being chubby.

Not noticing the time pass by, it was already evening when things were going dark around me. I couldn't poetically express my sadness. Poetry is not just enough for me to express.

Yet, there is someone who's always been a pillar of support for my deteriorating self.

A silhouette appears from the cascading window of my room. He holds a giant smile as I switch on the light and walk towards him. I needed him a bit earlier in the morning too, but beggars can't be choosy.

Opening the window, I quickly pull him inside, not bothering that he was stumbling himself in my hold. I hug him. I hug him till I suck out all the positive emotions from him and let him drain all the negative in me. He is my solace. He's my knight in shining armor.

"I saw something ashes all over your lawn. What's that?" He asks, concern sprouting as I can see.

"My mom burned all my short skirts and crop tops. They were the only one which gave me confidence to walk in public with the figure I have. She's so cruel..." I say to him. He gently pats my hair, with all the love he has in his big heart.

"Baby, you're perfect the way you are. If I were you, I would have run away from this house already." He plants the idea in me.

"I- I would like to run away too..." I say, looking up into his eyes. He smiles, pushing my hair back and kissing my forehead.

"We leave tomorrow then. Actually, I've saved much money for you to leave." He says.

"Tomorrow? No, that's not possible!" I argue. Besides, I had money with me too. I was working at a local cafe as an apprentice chef.

That way, I could prepare tasty food which people can eat and enjoy without any concerns like myself. I could run away even tonight... but it seemed morally criminal to do so.

My parents have been feeding me and giving me shelter that I need, I can't do that to them. I'm their only daughter!

"Y/n, I love you." And that was the last I love you I've heard from anyone from this land.

Two weeks later, Dylan shows upto my room. Crying and having trouble breathing.

I was going berserk, but when he says the most dreadful words to me, at that moment, my heart was shut down for a damn good reason.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n! I'm sorry that I cheated on you!" He cries and says. My back was facing towards him.

Will I cry? Will I ever cry again?

I smile instead.

He was beyond perplexed at my response. I've given up on everything.

"P-please don't smile. You're killing me! Slap me, beat me to a pulp but don't do that... please!" He holds my shoulder and shakes me up. I couldn't help but laugh.

He grew scared of me, seeking my forgiveness until I say, "It's not your fault anyway, right? That girl was obviously better than me. You would have cheated on me anyway."

The words spill from my mouth with the most devious smile I ever possessed in my arsenal.

That's it. That was my breaking point.

He stays in my room all through the night to seek forgiveness. He tries to threaten me, harm himself and say all the silly stuff that comes to his mind. I was convinced that his heart still has me on top of everything, yet I cannot re-convince myself that someone truly, actually loves me.

That day, I had only two options to choose from.

To die, or to continue my life in another land. A completely different land where I'll grow as strong as ever through social criticism.

I thought of South Korea and nothing more, the country with the most toxic beauty standards.

I'll go there and fight for my life everyday.

That was my plan which I executed shortly.

Dylan was on the bed with swollen eyes and a tired body. I don't even make a sound as I pack my bag and the money I saved to buy one single flight ticket to South Korea.

"Goodbye, Dylan." And thank you for every little moment you shared with me.

Lovers might come and go in my future, but Dylan.... you're the only one who truly accepted me and loved me.

I'm sorry that I loved you.