Kinsie was asking about you yesterday. I was right. She doesn't understand. She thinks you just went away with some friends, which is what you were doing anyway. She asked me to smile more, so I'm trying for both her and you.

You know what people have the nerve to tell me? Someone actually said to my face today at school "at least you got to say goodbye." Like what the HELL!? And it was Kat. We aren't really on speaking terms anymore. She's being a pain in the you know what. I want to cuss so bad, but I'm writing this for you, so I won't.

I'm wearing that perfume you bought me. It really is beautiful. You know how you took the extra piece with you? Well I might have stolen the cologne from your room. Oops...

I can't decided what to do with this letter, or more like these letters -I have been writing forever!-. Mom wants me to keep them so I can read over them and remember, but I won't; I can't. I'll remember anyway. Without you there is no way I can forget. She wants me to go to the doctor to get tested for depression, and I told her to shove off. I'll get better, right? This is normal. It's only been a bit less than a week.

It's only been a week since I saw you wave from the plane window, the widest cheesiest smile ever taking up half your face, your tongue barely peeking through. I have a picture of it on my phone. I haven't looked at it since, but I remember taking it. It is the latest photo I have of you.

Kat suggested I put the letters in tomorrow, but I don't think I'll be finished by then. Don't worry, I'll get them to you somehow.

Of course you had to do the whole 'no goodbyes. I don't like goodbyes' bull when it came the day for you to leave. The night before, I stayed up late with you, checking and double checking everything to make sure you had it all. We ended up passed out on top of the clothes still piled on your bed, and in the morning we frantically threw them all in. I guess there was too much dancing like idiots and not enough packing.

Three other boys waved at us frantically from where they were standing with their friends and family when we ran up to the terminal. They all had that same hairstyle you seemed to think so amazing. My favorite days were when you just left it to dry in that crazy mess it was. Of course you had to look your best that day, so your hair was just perfectly styled. –I'm rolling my eyes- 

The boys were all shoving and nudging each other when we neared. The dark haired one pulled you forward. "Is this her?"

You giggled, pulling back and sliding your hand around my waist. "Yeah, and she's mine." You tried to glare strongly, but you were just too giddy to pull it off, and you all ended up laughing. "Uh, Sierra, this is Calum, Michael, and Luke. They're my band."

"Really? You're in a band!? You told me you were doing this solo, Ash!" I teased, pulling forth all the acting skills I could muster.

The boys all grew silent.

"Erm, yeah, well I was hoping I could leave without you seeing them. I'm sorry, babe," you tagged along.

"I can't believe you lied to me!" I cried and shoved away from you.

"Ashton, what is she talking about?" the blue-eyed blond questioned, looking worried.

"Nothing, man, I can handle it."

"Oh." He backed up, and we burst out laughing.

"It's nice to finally meet you guys," I greeted, pulling them all in for a hug. "Sorry, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to mess with you."

"Now boarding phase three for flight 241. Now boarding phase three for flight 241," the intercom buzzed. Regretfully, you four picked up your carryon bags and shouldered them, saying your goodbyes.

I watched, smiling, as you hugged Harry and Lauren, giving a nice talk to each of them to behave, like the good big brother you are. Then you moved on to your mom, and you couldn't see, but she fought so hard to stay strong with your head on her shoulder. I was last, but I better not have been least... Just kidding. Your family is amazing.

You've never been one for excessive PDA, but as you approached me my stomach flipped inside out. There was something in your eyes. The childish part of me wanted to run and make you chase me, but instead I waited. Okay, maybe I didn't wait so well. You were taking too long to walk the short distance, so I sprinted toward you and jumped into your arms, wrapping my legs around your waist.

"Calm down, there," you teased. "Trying to knock a fellow over?"

"I do what I want," I mocked.

"Mmm well what do you want to do now?"

You didn't let me answer. You just assumed you knew. Well you didn't know. I actually wanted a pretzel at the moment, but I settled for a kiss.

Varying sounds from disgusted grunts to cheers rang out, but I ignored them. I swear I saw a flash through my eyelids, and if one of those twerps has a photo I'm going to personally fly over there and destroy their phone. Anyway...

The announcer called again giving a last warning, and I broke away only to see you pouting at me, your bottom lip quivering. My heart melted to the floor.

"You're going to miss your flight," I said, gesturing to the other three who were already standing next to the gate.

"I don't care," you whispered, wrapping your arms tighter around me and pressing your lips to my forehead.

"I do."

"Remember those words," you mumbled.

"Huh?"

Moving down, you kissed me gently this time. Sweeter than honey, well, sweeter than powdered cheese?

After a moment I dropped my legs and backed up, offering you a weird glance.

"I ate Cheetos just for you," you said and winked while I slapped you arm. Our laugher faded, and you tried to force a smile.

"I'm yours forever. Don't worry," I consoled.

"Forever is too far away."

"Ashton Irwin, cheer up." I shoved your shoulder. "Now go!"

You started to walk away and turned back around, picking me up and spinning me in a circle.

"Why aren't you leaving!?" I said, now actually mad because there was a high chance you would miss your flight.

"I can't. It's not my fault you're my black hole. You just keep pulling me back to you, and I can't escape."

"Not that you want to."

"Well, traveling the world..."

"Without me," I pouted.

"Without you," you sighed.

"Go, you turd monkey, and smile for me; let me know it's all going to be okay."

You smiled wide, a tear dripping to your cheek and falling into a dimple. I laughed at the oddity, and your lips met mine one last time before you disappeared behind the doors.

My lips stung with that odd mixture of a  burning numbness, just like the first time four years ago. All the other family and friends began chatting, but I just stared out the window. Ten minutes later the plane began to move, and I plastered my face to the wall of window, catching just a glimpse before you were gone.

If I had known... if... They say that is the most powerful word in the English language. I never believed them before, - Shouldn't it be something more like love, or disparity, forever and never? - but now I understand. "if" can start so many questions which one has no answer for, questions which can haunt for eternity.

I'm sorry. I wish I could make these letters more happy, but I can't.

Forever in love,

~Sierra

"Sisi, mom wants you!" a little voice sang from my door just as I lifted my pen. With a sigh, I rose to my feet and folded the letters, tucking them under a book sleeve and placing the book back onto the shelf. Delicately, I ran my finger down the decorated spine. J. M. Barrie's Peter Pan, it read. Squeezing it in all the way, I stepped from my room.

"Yeah, mom?" I called from the balcony, too apathetic to actually go down the stairs.

"Honey, I was going to go shopping when I realized you don't have a black dress, do you?"

"No," I replied, glad she couldn't see my face.

"We need to get you one! I can't believe I am just now thinking of this. How can a girl not own a little black dress? We had all this time, and now we only have less than a day!" Her words trialed off as she walked to pick up her purse, still mumbling to herself. "Well come on now!" she called, and I picked up my shoes, starting down to join her.

I wanted to finish the letters that night, but deep down inside I was glad for the distraction. The notes were getting harder and harder to write, but I had to finish. Ash was always telling me how I needed to learn to finish stuff. For him, I would.

"See, it's good to get out," mom said, rolling the car windows down.

"Yeah," I agreed, resting my head on the still. That is, it was good as long as I didn't think of why I was out.

A/N

Dedicated to 5sossparkle because she is just awesome.

o.o anyone know what is happening? What's going to happen? GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS! I WANT TO COLLECT THEM IN A PICKLE JAR AND SET THEM ON A SHELF! ummmmm