So, I'm back. Did you miss me? Hell, what kind of a question is that?

I didn't eat anything. I tried, 'cause I know if you were here you would have shoved the food down my throat and told me self harm helps nobody, but I wasn't hungry. I can feel the few bites I did take sitting at the top of my throat planning their escape.  I was able to hold myself together all the way through the meal and chores though, and I'm quite proud of that. I almost lost it, though, when Kinsie walked in and said "Oh, spaghetti! Ash's favorite!"

I know she didn't mean it - she is only four - but it hurt. I don't think she understands what happened really. I don't know if anyone has told her why Ash isn't around. I can't. She loves you so much.

Luckily, Bruno was there, and he let me bury my face into his fluffy doggo neck 'til I could smile. If mom and dad noticed that I didn't eat they didn't say anything.

I have on your tee shirt. Remember that one that I stole from you years ago? It used to hang to my knees back then, but it actually fits now. Of course you know that. I wore it the day...

...sorry. I thought even though I couldn't say it I might be able to write it. I will have to eventually, but just not yet. Okay? Okay. Anyway, you got so mad when I stole this from you.

"Sierra? What are you doing in my room?"

"Mom didn't want me home alone," I explained, riffling through your shirts. "Do you have anything besides tee shirts with stupid bands on them?"

"If they are so stupid why did you steal all my CD's?"

"Whatever." I let out a squeal suddenly and slammed the closet door in your face.

When I opened it, I revealed you still standing there, your face pulled in frustration as you glared at me. Slowly your eyes scanned me, and I crossed my arms.

"It doesn't even fit you!" you finally exploded, throwing your hands in the air.

"So. It's All Time Low and I like it. Consider it my thirteenth birthday present."

"No. Give it back! It's mine!" You lunged for me, grabbing at the hem as you tried to pull it off me.

"Hey, watch it perv!" I screamed as I felt cold air hit my stomach.

Your face went red as a tomato and you jumped back leaving my arms stuck in the tangled mess around my head.

I straitened the shirt. "Wait 'til I tell Ryder that you were trying to undress me," I smirked.

"What!?" Your eyes shot wide. "No! It's my shirt! Ew!" Your face contorted as you made a gagging noise. "God, no. I didn't even see your pink bra! Not like I was thinking if everything else matches. I mean..." You continued making faces and rambling for a while until you noticed me laughing at you.

"Screw off and go to your boyfriend's house," you said, shoving me out your door and slamming it behind me.

The thing is Ryder wasn't home, and I didn't really want to see him anyway. I sat outside your door the rest of the day. I don't know if you noticed. You practiced your drums which truthfully sounded like shit. You have improved so much. I'm quite proud.

You may have acted like I was annoying and like you hated me, but I knew you really didn't. Well, I wasn't sure until you beat Ryder up at that party when you caught him kissing another girl. At least you tried to beat him up.

You were right from the start. He was a jerk. I never said so, but I should have listened to you. There were many times I should have done so. Oh, but your mom was so mad! She made me sit there and hold a package of frozen peas to your face as you got to watch cartoons because some how this was all my fault. She left to go get some more medicine and suddenly we were alone. Oh, gosh, do I have to write this? I'm already blushing! We were such awkward little twerps. Ugh! Well, might as well get this over with.

You brushed the frozen peas and my hand aside to sit up, wincing since your head must have been pounding. Reaching around me, you grabbed your glasses and slipped them on. They were so ugly. You know the ones that were cool back in the late 90's, the little, tiny, skinny, frameless ones. I'm laughing right now thinking of them.

"Sisi," mom said, sticking her head through the door. "You have school in the morning, so you should go to bed."

I nodded, twisting the dark rims of your glasses back and forth between my fingers.

"Oh, and we don't have to leave quite so early since, you know, we aren't carpooling anymore." She stared at the floor and looked up one last time before quietly shutting the door.

Mom just came in. Dang, I hope my face wasn't red. If it was she didn't seem to notice. Anyway, I have to go back to school tomorrow, and I really should get to bed, but I want to finish this story at least.

So you put your dorky glasses on and scrutinized me, your mouth hanging slightly agape so that just the bottom of your two front teeth showed. Thinking of it now, I realize how adorable a look it was with your chubby cheeks and pink lips, but back then I was just weirded out.

"Can I help you?" I asked.

"Did you and Ryder ever kiss?"

"Um, how is that any of your business, turd monkey?" I asked, surprised by the personal question.

"I'm just curious. It would be sad if your first kiss was with a jerk like that."

I wanted to lie to you and tell you a big story about Ryder and I's 'first kiss' -I would do anything to one up you- but you looked so genuine I couldn't lie to the bruised lip and purple eye. After all it was my fault you were in such a pitiful state.

"No." I shook my head, blushing. "We never did."

"Good."

You just kind of kept staring at me. I tried to put the frozen veggies back over your face so you would stop, but you brushed my hand away.

"Hey, Sierra?"

"What?" I bit, not so much out of anger as pure discomfort.

"I have a proposition."

"You hold the peas yourself, and I leave? Gladly."

"No," you corrected, shaking your head and letting the over grown curls bounce around on your forehead. "I'm not a jerk am I?"

I sighed. "I guess not. Though you are stupid."

"Am not!"

"Whatever."

"So, you don't want your first kiss to be with a jerk, right?"

"Yeah...? Okay, I'm lost."

You didn't really explain to me, though. You just kissed me. One moment you were sitting there, and the next your lips were on mine. My immediate reaction was to jump back, but your hands kept me in place. I responded, gently, remembering that your lip was busted up. They were freezing cold from the peas, and you tasted like the cheetos you ate at the party. It really only lasted a second before your shoved me away.

"There," you said, studying the pillow in your lap. "Now you don't have to worry."

"Ummm..." I would have said more, but my lips were burning, and I had forgotten how to use them. You seemed to have no problem, though.

"That meant nothing," you stated, looking up.

"You're such a turd monkey!" I shot, jumping to my feet. My heartbeat continued at an ill pace, but now for a different reason.

"What?" You stared up at me, wide eyed. It's hard for me to understand, but you truly were confused. "I was helping you."

"Your help always just makes things worse! It starts with sand, now a kiss, what's next!? Just stop helping me!" I cried. "Didn't you think for a second that I would want my first kiss to mean something!? I would rather have had it with a jerk like Ryder and it actually had meant something. Now I don't know who is the bigger butt head!"

I tugged the pillow from your hands and hit you across the head with it. That really was drastic of me. You were just trying to be nice in your dumb way, and you were already injured. You clutched your head, and I immediately regretted my actions.

"Irwin," I said, sitting down beside you again.

"No, go away. I don't deserve you. I'm so inconsiderate. I always just mess things up." You lip quivered and my heart thawed.

"I didn't mean it, Ashton."

"Yes you did. And it's the truth."

You wouldn't say anymore, and I was at a loss for words, so I did as you said. I left.

Soooo.... I really should get to sleep now. It's really late.

I love you, you turd monkey,

~Sierra ;)

I stood and changed into on a pair of shorts. Grabbing a few things off my desk I shoved them into my backpack before glancing from the pile of papers back to the already stuffed bag. Somehow I managed to fit them in and zip it up before climbing in bed.

Fighting exhaustion, I stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Bored, I pulled the stuffed dog closer and sat it atop my stomach. I picked up its paws and moved them around a bit, humming. "You, wherever you are," I murmured. My fingers itched to pick up the phone and tap in the number which had become second nature, to see his photo pop up on the screen, but I just couldn't. "Aw screw it, Miss Jackson," I told the dog, reaching for my phone.

I put in the number and waited through the ringing until a familiar giggle met my ears. I half-heartedly laughed along with it. "Aw fu- I'm always so awkward at these. Um this is Ashton and I can't talk now so leave a message, or yeah," the recorder said, playing back another gentle laugh. A beep shook me from my reverie and I jumped slightly.

"Oh, hey, Ash. I'm writing you a letter," I laughed. "I think it's kind of stupid, but you'd probably find it cute. Miss Jackson says hi. I hope you don't mind that I took her. She looked so lonely there on your bed. You should come home. Please," I begged. "Please." My chest tightened, and I constrained a gasp. "If not for me then for her. She looks so sad." I pouted at the stuffed dog which stared back at me with black beadie eyes. "There's teeth marks on her nose. Don't tell me you used to chew on it. You're such a dork, Ashy." I bit my lip. "So, um, yeah. You know I won't be able to help but look for you at lunch, right? I hope you know that. Wait, no I don't, 'cause that will just make you sad. No, no, I'm fine Ash. Really I am. It's just-" the recorder beeped, and I sighed, tossing the phone beside me. "No, Ash. It's I who doesn't deserve you," I finished.

Pulling the dumb dog closer, I closed my eyes and finally let my exhaustion win.