So that's all the stories I have. I actually have so many more, and it would take decades to write them all, but this is all I can fit between the lines on these pages. I'm still not sure this helped, but I'm glad I did it.

It's my eighteenth birthday today. You promised you had something big planed. I don't know what it was seeing as you would be half-way across the world. I'm just sitting on your bed right now. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

Not much has changed since last week but a few papers on your desk that your mom must have brought in. Would you mind if I look at them? I'm extremely curious. You always say it will be the death of me, but I remind you I am not a cat.

Okay, well I'm going to look at them. I'm going to regret this.

Ashton Irwin.... Were you really!? You know how mad I would have been with you! THIS was the surprise you had for my birthday!? You were going to fly all the way back here just to stay for twelve hours! You're insane! So beautifully insane. Fourty-four hours here and back just for twelve hours home... why? You stupid turd monkey, stop making me love you more! I can't.

Our boys decided to continue with the tour.  I know that will make you happy. They're leaving next week, and I'm glad, but I'm going to miss them terribly. They're the only real support I have right now.

You never told me how big you guys were. I never really cared much to see, but now your fans are finding me. There's so many of them, Ash, and they are all such lovely people. They truly care about you. But maybe they care just a bit too much.

I can't go online anymore because they keep tagging me in stuff. I know they mean well, but they don't know me like you do. They don't understand. I just need them to stop. I just need to be left alone.

When will there be a time in which I don't just want solitude? When will be the time that others don't have to force me to interact? Has this really changed me so much that it has altered such basics of me as my social tendencies?

I know you'll want me to move on, but that's the problem. I know for sure I can't bounce back like a rubber band, but I don't even think I can melt like an ice cube. I'm forever frozen in this state.

How am I to find someone that compares to your smile, the dimples which light your cheeks and the spark of life in your hazel eyes? Where am I to find someone that smells of fresh woods and vanilla, who understands everything about me, whose presence is all that is needed to make me content?

When will I find someone whose hair feels like yours as it runs through my fingers, twisting in and out of my grasp?

What can even hope to compete with the plethora of childhood memories?

Who can ever compare?

Maybe that's the idea.

Nobody will.

So I have to forget, but I can't without you.

You see my dilemma?

You're my black hole, and I can't get out.

I'm sorry, but I'm still in love with you, you beautifully stupidly insane turd monkey

~Sierra

Arranging the papers in order, I folded them in thirds, sliding them into the envelope. I pulled the glass bottle from my bag and sprayed a bit on the pages. Signing the giant white paper, I licked the back checking and double checking the seal. Carefully, I lifted the sticks, sliding the paper between them and the drum below. Stepping back, I clicked off the light and walked out.

"To: My love

From: Your lover

Hey, Ash...""

A/N

300! omg! This is not the end! Don't leave yet, please!